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Who is your ideal life partner?


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44 minutes ago, Epitaph said:

I gravitate towards people with dark things in them and dark things in their past.

Yep I get that. Had to learn the lesson that all people with 'dark things in them' are not the same, though. In my first relationship I learnt that I can't relate too deeply to someone who doesn't really have any particularly dark things. In my second relationship, I learnt that sometimes their dark things don't work with my dark things and you can't really be good for each other. In my current one, I learnt that sometimes your dark things work well together and that's... healing... and you both become better versions of yourselves.

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J. van Deijck

My husband. A short smartass who's going grey and who says the main reason is me :lol:

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VengefulDogHater

I'm sure most of what I want is the opposite of what most others want lol. A lot of things people consider red flags to me are green flags and vice versa for example. I doubt I'll find anyone, but I rather be alone then with someone I wouldn't be happy with. I'm not currently looking either atm as I'm still living with my ex while on the ever long waiting list of public housing and I don't feel anyone decent would date someone living with an ex. But hey I mine as well get this out here and maybe one day there will be someone who comes across it whose what I'm looking for. Though I'm in Michigan and can't really travel as I don't drive.

 

Here is my ideal partner (I'm a female, age 40, looking for men 21-60)

 

- Someone asexual but who likes to cuddle while we go on our phones or watch stuff. Also I'm fine with kissing but I'm a germaphobe so they need to have great dental hygiene as I do (my dentist always praises me when I go to see him)

 

- Relates to the above, but I am very picky on food, both for germaphobe and texture reasons and I won't eat food prepared by others unless I know them super super well. It's unlikely I'll ever be willing to eat anything their family prepares which means they'd have to be accepting of me bringing my own food or not going. I never ate anything my ex's parents cooked or made and we were together 10+ years. 

 

- Monogamous, but more then that I want someone who doesn't go off with friends without inviting me along. I'd be happiest in a co-dependent time relationship but also where if we didn't share all our hobbies we also spent time together but alone doing our separate hobbies.  

 

- Someone loyal - I'm very loyal and would never be friends with someone my S/O or even a friend of mine had issues with. I except the same.

 

- Someone who is fine with never living with a cat or dog, as I am allergic to both. I do have an older cat that I got before I knew, but I will not be getting more animals. I also have a very strong hatred for dogs, especially Pitbull's so it would be a plus if they didn't like dogs either.

 

- Someone who doesn't smoke or vape

 

- Someone who doesn't have or want kids 

 

- Someone who is a misanthrope. 

 

- Someone quiet - I'm very sensitive to noise and I'm a light sleeper. I doubt I'll live with anyone ever again, but they need to understand if I do they can't play music/watch stuff while I'm sleeping (unless using a headset) I can do the same for them too of course.

 

- Someone who views it as a red flag not if you go through their phone, but if you refuse to let them. I'm not one who believes that if you trust someone you don't go through their phone lol, if you trust them and are honest then you should be fine if they go through your phone. Unless you are worried they will delete stuff, which would mean you didn't trust them, then there is no reason not to let them. 

 

- Someone who is mostly liberal, but believes in the second amendment

 

- Relates to the above, but someone who would view it justified if someone broke into my home and I shot them. I've come across people who say things like "If you shoot someone who breaks into your home it means you view your possessions as more valuable then their life."  They say it like theirs something wrong with that which is insane to me. Of course I do, why would I view a stranger who broke into my house as being more valuable then my things? 

 

- Someone always looking to "stick it to the man" whether this be illegally downloading stuff, or just goofing off on your job not doing the work you're supposed to

 

- Someone who understands the difference between shoplifting at Walmart vs shoplifting at a mom and pop store. Walmart deserves it lol.

 

- Someone who believes that the income bracket you were born into effects how your life will go even more then your race, gender or sexual orientation. 

 

- Someone who views finances as you pay a percentage of your income to rent, etc. I don't want somebody who if I lived with them would expect me to pay half the rent if they made more then me. And If they own their own home they have to understand I won't be moving in, unless they marry me and put me on the title. I'm on ssi so I have to look out for myself, I'm lucky my ex is nice to let me stay here until I get into gov housing even though he owns this house. The whole relationship I felt insecure and worried about what if he died or left me how I'd be homeless, I won't go through that ever again. I moved hundreds of miles to move in with him (we met online) so I feel as soon as I moved he should have put me on the title.  What can I say, I was much younger and way too trusting.

 

- Someone whose outspoken, and doesn't follow rules they don't believe in, and who will outright tell if they think the rule is stupid - I'm like this and I can't picture myself happy with someone passive. An example would be I am trying to find subsidized housing and one of the places I was gonna apply to the woman there told me that I wouldn't be able to have a chest freezer because they're too noisy. Well, anyone who knows anything knows they aren't and I outright told her it was a stupid rule and that they're quiet. I of course decided to not apply to this place and will later be writing a negative review.  My ex who went with me is a passive person who just thinks I should accept it and apply and get rid of my chest freezer. I want someone who will be with me on things like this.

 

- Someone who also laughs when bad things happen to people who've wronged them, One thing I did like about my ex is his high school bully died a few years ago and he was happy about it. I've been happy when people who have been shitty to me have died too. I want someone who can not only accept this but also laugh along with me. 

 

- Someone who accepts themselves how they are and isn't looking to try to fit into society's mold. I think too many people are brainwashed into believing certain things are wrong just because the majority says they are. My ideal mate would never ever describe themself as an average guy.

 

- Has a few hobbies in common with me. I'm into the paranormal, writing fiction, video games, world of warcraft, board games, watching tv/movies that I torrent, genealogy, cooking. I go to the gym regularly but I'm obese. 

 

That's all I can think of for now. Not all of these are requirements, some are just what I'd prefer.

 

 

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1 minute ago, Baasje said:

A short smartass

Hey I know that type...

 

2 minutes ago, Baasje said:

and who says the main reason is me :lol:

I'm glad Tele started going grey before we met. 😅

 

My ex-husband didn't though, not till after we met lol.

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2 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

My cat 😻🐈🥰

Who knew someone with the username 'Geekykitty' would have a cat? :P 

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8 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Who knew someone with the username 'Geekykitty' would have a cat? :P 

Yep I'm a geek and I love cats 😝

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22 hours ago, weird elf said:

That sounds 100% reasonable to me though.

Sounds reasonable to me, too 😄 it's just rare to find someone like this. Say 2% of the population are ace or willing to go without sex. Half of them are introverts who like to hang out in the same room doing different things. Maybe 80% are reasonably good at making decisions? And half of those again are more liberal than conservative. And, hmm, twenty percent of those are in my age group. Around half of them are male. And half again single... it goes on and on 😄

Who did the maths? 😝

And let's be honest, in the end, meeting all these requirements is no guarantee for chemistry.

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16 minutes ago, Pomelord. said:

Sounds reasonable to me, too 😄 it's just rare to find someone like this. Say 2% of the population are ace or willing to go without sex. Half of them are introverts who like to hang out in the same room doing different things. Maybe 80% are reasonably good at making decisions? And half of those again are more liberal than conservative. And, hmm, twenty percent of those are in my age group. Around half of them are male. And half again single... it goes on and on 😄

Who did the maths? 😝

And let's be honest, in the end, meeting all these requirements is no guarantee for chemistry.

Too true.

I certainly didn't do the maths. Maths and elf don't mix. XD

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21 hours ago, Sally said:

My kitty.

Yep cats are the best life partners. Everyone needs a cat 😻 They're especially great for asexuals. They cuddle you bed and comfort you when you're sad, without you ever having to worry that they might want to do anything sexual with you 😝 Perfect asexual partner!

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15 minutes ago, weird elf said:

Maths and elf don't mix. XD

That sounds 100%  reasonable to me 😉

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Monke Jimmy
42 minutes ago, Pomelord. said:

Say 2% of the population are ace or willing to go without sex. Half of them are introverts who like to hang out in the same room doing different things. Maybe 80% are reasonably good at making decisions? And half of those again are more liberal than conservative. And, hmm, twenty percent of those are in my age group. Around half of them are male. And half again single... it goes on and on 😄

Who did the maths? 😝

One thing I've learned about being a romantic ace is to never to the maths. Also, I think the first couple numbers might be higher than you think. 

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21 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Yep I get that. Had to learn the lesson that all people with 'dark things in them' are not the same, though. In my first relationship I learnt that I can't relate too deeply to someone who doesn't really have any particularly dark things. In my second relationship, I learnt that sometimes their dark things don't work with my dark things and you can't really be good for each other. In my current one, I learnt that sometimes your dark things work well together and that's... healing... and you both become better versions of yourselves.

 

Of all the folk I've met it's the ones with the dark things that seem to have a deeper grasp of life or at least the ability to ponder it. As if they know how to be serious when shit really goes down, but not so unbalanced to always be in a dark mood. But it's all a balancing act. Walking the line between light and dark as it were. You can't get along with somebody who's consumed by whatever personal darkness they have as they'll take you down with them. You need somebody who knows how to navigate their own dark waters. They either stay afloat by themselves, or help you come back up and reach something resembling peace and equilibrium.

 

I realized something the other day. I have periods where I self isolate and tend to go completely dark from others or nearly. There's a sad irony to these periods, I realize. I withdraw and collapse not because I neccessarily want to be alone. But because I want so badly again for a pair of eyes to recognize what I'm doing, reach out and snap me out of it. It's when I withdraw from things that I actually want to know intimacy or recognize care again the deepest. When it never arrives, I tend to collapse even further.

 

I guess, either that means I have to try and stop it on my own, or hope for a partner that's as perceptive at reading people as I can sometimes be.

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1 hour ago, Epitaph said:

Of all the folk I've met it's the ones with the dark things that seem to have a deeper grasp of life or at least the ability to ponder it. As if they know how to be serious when shit really goes down, but not so unbalanced to always be in a dark mood. But it's all a balancing act. Walking the line between light and dark as it were. You can't get along with somebody who's consumed by whatever personal darkness they have as they'll take you down with them. You need somebody who knows how to navigate their own dark waters. They either stay afloat by themselves, or help you come back up and reach something resembling peace and equilibrium.

That's an excellent summary of how it seems to work, yup.

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I'm very content on my own these days. After close to 30 years of sharing, compromising, being aware and respecting someone else's likes and dislikes, adjusting to their moods and needs, investing time and effort ... It's actually pretty awesome to live alone again (mostly, my teenagers are still at home) 

I have lots of contact and friends at work, not looking to add another human factor to my 8 hours of me-time again.

👋

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potatoesinacoat

I guess someone who’s understanding? And shares similar opinions on certain things but up for a respectful debate too. There’s a lot more but those are among the important things

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No one.

 

Maybe a robot or something to take care of me in my dotage, but life is happier for me when I can pick and choose my involvement with others.  My work is very social, and I tend to be kinda peopled-out by the time I go home.  It feels good to know my evenings will be almost assured silence, free of disruptions from noisy housemates, unless I myself choose differently.

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Ideally, my partner:

* Is socially and fiscally conservative, non-woke, or leans at least slightly conservative on most issues (Have nothing against same sex relationships or marriage or bisexuals though, and I'm supportive of other Asexuals. I try to recycle paper, glass bottles, aluminum cans, and plastic if I remember to with my ADHD brain. I oppose socialism, big government, the public school system, destruction of conventional gender norms and traditional values in general, abortion except for cases of rape, incest, or danger to the mother's life, and big pharma).

* Is Asexual and hetero-romantic.

* Is atheist or agnostic (preferably, but I'd be open to dating a Jewish or Christian guy if he's not preachy about it or anything like that.  I dealt with that a lot when I was RC).

* Wants kids or is open to having them (he can give name ideas but I'm very particular about naming styles, spelling, popularity, and gender of the name, particularly with girls, as I strongly dislike traditionally masculine given or middle names/surnames or even most "unisex" names for little girls. We'd have to find something that both of us can live with. Definitely nothing too common and no Juniors. Lol I was given a common first and middle name and I've never liked them, mostly my middle.  I have so many girls' names on my list for future daughters and some for sons, though I'm not 100% on my boys' list yet 😆).

* Is preferably vegetarian or vegan, at least if we're at home (I have food intolerances so I can't even eat small amounts of animal products or take meds or vitamins containing them without moderate to severe digestive symptoms, so I worry about cross-contamination. Also peanut and tree nut-free. I'm allergic. I'm also a supporter of animal welfare, though not PETA).

* Is a non-smoker and non-druggie.

* Loves cats (I have a black cat who I love a lot and I'm not giving him up because the man hates cats. Plus Dragon is good emotional support.  He helps me not completely lose it when I have anxiety attacks).

* Is a supporter of people with disabilities, especially mental health issues and invisible disabilities like chronic pain and fatigue, and we share some common interests. 

* Supports animal rescue, cops, EMTs, firefighters, and other first responders.

* Is as comfortable at home as he is in social situations.  I'm severely anxious in social situations, but I respect his need to socialize if he's more extroverted than me. I don't get jealous unless he's a cheater.

 

I know, I'm kinda picky and weird sometimes.  XD

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Rain dancer81

Someone who loves animals and hates sex.  😆 I dont care if they’re male or female. I just want someone to spend my life with who has zero expectations when it comes to intimacy and accepts my menagerie of animals and doesn’t get annoyed when I bring another one home. I work in animal rescue so I think my home will always be filled with animals ❤️🙂

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/17/2023 at 11:20 AM, Monke Jimmy said:

I don't think I've seen a topic about this?

 

Platonic, romantic, etc., I don't care. What kind of long-term partner(s) are you looking for, or who have you found? Is it more than one person? What else can you tell me about what you expect to find in a partner?

I'm thinking more about positive attributes rather than dealbreakers. I'll post my own response below. 

That depends do you mean the healthy option or the fun option? Cuase my fun options are going to get my life derailed one day. 

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Someone who is similar to me, kinda like my twin. Someone who gets my morbid sense of humor and is kind and loyal. I had sorta given up at this point lol but I'm hoping to have that soon. 

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Exoplanetarian

I don't know, I keep asking myself that. I think I'm aromantic as well and what I feel like I do want is a QPR but it still kinda feels like I "can't ask that of people". But then on the other hand I've been with people who said they felt romantically about me and from my perspective what it constituted was feeling certain things about me and projecting certain fantasies and then punishing me for not being exactly that and all this does to me is make me feel disgusted and angry. I do want to love people but I don't know how and the way I do it doesn't seem to be enough. 

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Monke Jimmy
8 minutes ago, MelVersai said:

Someone who is similar to me, kinda like my twin.

A couple weeks ago I was joking to my friend that the only person similar enough for me to date is myself, and I tried bringing her into the joke, but I forgot she has an identical twin (like, joined at the hip, IDENTICAL identical). Oopsie daisy. 

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Exoplanetarian
1 minute ago, Monke Jimmy said:

A couple weeks ago I was joking to my friend that the only person similar enough for me to date is myself, and I tried bringing her into the joke, but I forgot she has an identical twin (like, joined at the hip, IDENTICAL identical). Oopsie daisy. 

I get that because there is that intersection of "what do I want in someone" and then I have this reaction of "okay I will try to be that because...you know...treating people how you want to be treated and all that" 

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