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Am I asexual? What is sexual attraction?


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binary suns

I'm uncertain if I'm asexual, even though I've had a few sexual feelings in the past, although it was infrequent. There was a time when I was open to sex and felt that way towards many people, but I felt scared by the thought of pursuing sexual intimacy. I'm not sure if what I felt was actually sexual attraction because of the fear of being sexual with them. I haven't experienced those feelings in a while, and it's hard to explain them. I don't want to be graysexual on top of being grayromantic. The few times I felt attraction, it was more of seeing the person as "sexy" rather than desiring sexual intimacy with them. I was again intimidated by the idea of being sexual with them. I'm not sure if I'm just a confused allosexual, and I don't think I'm gray because if my feelings are sexual, I want to overcome the fear of sex. I consider myself asexual because of the fear and lack of desire for anything sexual, but I'm not sure if an allosexual can be afraid of sex. It's also been nearly eight years since I've seen someone in that way.

 

What is sexual attraction? Am I asexual?

Edited by binary suns
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TormentDubz
1 hour ago, binary suns said:

The few times I felt attraction, it was more of seeing the person as "sexy" rather than desiring sexual intimacy with them.

Maybe it was more aesthetic attraction or a different type; if you didn't really desire to engage in sexual activity then that's probably not sexual attraction

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, binary suns said:

I'm uncertain if I'm asexual, even though I've had a few sexual feelings in the past, although it was infrequent. There was a time when I was open to sex and felt that way towards many people, but I felt scared by the thought of pursuing sexual intimacy. I'm not sure if what I felt was actually sexual attraction because of the fear of being sexual with them. I haven't experienced those feelings in a while, and it's hard to explain them. I don't want to be graysexual on top of being grayromantic. The few times I felt attraction, it was more of seeing the person as "sexy" rather than desiring sexual intimacy with them. I was again intimidated by the idea of being sexual with them. I'm not sure if I'm just a confused allosexual, and I don't think I'm gray because if my feelings are sexual, I want to overcome the fear of sex. I consider myself asexual because of the fear and lack of desire for anything sexual, but I'm not sure if an allosexual can be afraid of sex. It's also been nearly eight years since I've seen someone in that way.

 

What is sexual attraction? Am I asexual?

Hi 🍰

 

Sexual attraction/desire could be as simple as being close to someone and wanting to share sexual intimacy with them becaue of how you feel about them. It doesn't have to be like that and can be detached from relationships but I think it's a good place to look at because it largely has to do with how you like to share intimacy. If you get past your fears of sex, do you think you'd like to and desire to share that kind of intimacy with someone? If it doesn't go as far as sexual, and only sensual at most (like hugging, cuddling, hand holding, or even kissing), then you might be ace or gray-ace, potentially.

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A few questions that might be helpful to ask yourself:

 

1. When you were having sexual feelings, were they directed to a specific person/people?

2. When you describe a person as "sexy", what are you referring to specifically?

3. When you were having sexual feelings, did they come with a set of physical symptoms after you saw a sexy person?

4. When you were having sexual feelings, were they intentional or unintentional?

5. Is it real fear? Or is sex something you just don't want?

 

Your answers to these might point you in the right direction. An ace and an allo will likely have very different answers to these. But yes, an allo can be scared of intimacy. It seems to be common, actually. Anyone who doesn't know what to expect, for example, or someone who has trust issues will likely be scared of intimacy, ace or not.

 

But also, there's nothing wrong with identifying as gray. I personally identify as grayromantic. When I met my current partner, the second I suspected it might be going somewhere, I made sure to tell him that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to feel the same way about him as he might come to feel about me. I was transparent, and he chose to take a risk on it. I still don't feel romantic attraction to him, but I definitely love him. And that's good enough. I'm not sure why you don't want to be graysexual, but you should know it doesn't have to interfere with your life at all. It's just important to identify what you want and be honest about it with any people you let into your life who may be affected by it, with or without putting a label on it.

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binary suns
4 hours ago, TormentDubz said:

Maybe it was more aesthetic attraction or a different type; if you didn't really desire to engage in sexual activity then that's probably not sexual attraction

My answer to this question is sexually descriptive, so I'll put it in a spoiler.

 

Spoiler

Actually, I liked touching them and being touched by them. I'm sorry, I feel uncomfortable specifying where... I mean that I would like if we would stimulate each other, sexually. Does that make me Gray? I don't want anything beyond that, but dislike anything beyond that. I don't really know if I feel attraction though, what is attraction? Is liking stimulation both from them and to them sexual attraction? I hated oral sex, both from them and to them. It made no sense to me. My partner also went inside me with their hands, that was completely unnecessary. I didn't really want either of us to orgasm either, but my partner was definitely into that. Their orgasm made me uncomfortable, and they seemed depressed that I wasn't having orgasms, whereas I just didn't care about that at all. He just seemed obsessed with sex, but I preferred to stay with foreplay, and not go beyond it. Besides, if I want to orgasm, I could just buy a vibrator. Those are supposed to get you there easily. While making out, I liked touching his chest, or him touching mine. 

 

 

 

4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi 🍰

 

Sexual attraction/desire could be as simple as being close to someone and wanting to share sexual intimacy with them because of how you feel about them. It doesn't have to be like that and can be detached from relationships but I think it's a good place to look at because it largely has to do with how you like to share intimacy. If you get past your fears of sex, do you think you'd like to and desire to share that kind of intimacy with someone? If it doesn't go as far as sexual, and only sensual at most (like hugging, cuddling, hand holding, or even kissing), then you might be ace or gray-ace, potentially.

 

 

I don't want to share sexual intimacy because of any kind of feelings or closeness to them. I did feel close to him, but sex wasn't really linked to that closeness for me. It was just some activity we could do. I guess I wouldn't want to do it with someone I'm not close to, but as I said in the spoiler I didn't exactly want to do sex with him. 

 

2 hours ago, BeADreamer said:

A few questions that might be helpful to ask yourself:

 

1. When you were having sexual feelings, were they directed to a specific person/people?

2. When you describe a person as "sexy", what are you referring to specifically?

3. When you were having sexual feelings, did they come with a set of physical symptoms after you saw a sexy person?

4. When you were having sexual feelings, were they intentional or unintentional?

5. Is it real fear? Or is sex something you just don't want?

 

Your answers to these might point you in the right direction. An ace and an allo will likely have very different answers to these. But yes, an allo can be scared of intimacy. It seems to be common, actually. Anyone who doesn't know what to expect, for example, or someone who has trust issues will likely be scared of intimacy, ace or not.

 

But also, there's nothing wrong with identifying as gray. I personally identify as grayromantic. When I met my current partner, the second I suspected it might be going somewhere, I made sure to tell him that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to feel the same way about him as he might come to feel about me. I was transparent, and he chose to take a risk on it. I still don't feel romantic attraction to him, but I definitely love him. And that's good enough. I'm not sure why you don't want to be graysexual, but you should know it doesn't have to interfere with your life at all. It's just important to identify what you want and be honest about it with any people you let into your life who may be affected by it, with or without putting a label on it.

1. yes, I would consider the person as attractive. I don't know if that attraction is sexual or not, though.

2. I don't know how to explain it, sorry. I feel a certain way about them. It's a mental and physical experience.

3. Sort of, yes. I feel something in a specific part of my body, but only some of the time that I feel this way about someone.

4. Unintentional.

5. I don't really want it. I was more elaborate in my answer to a previous poster in the spoiler.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
3 hours ago, binary suns said:

 I mean that I would like if we would stimulate each other, sexually. Does that make me Gray?

I'd ask if you could share more.. if you're comfortable to. But I can say at least that sexual stimulation to me would have to be about the genitals (and breasts could count as well). And it's still sex even if it's not penetration.
And I think it's more useful to think about desire rather than attraction. Or what makes you feel a pull towards sexuality. And if there's no pull, you might be doing it just because you're bored, or to please a partner, or because you have libido and don't care whether you masturbate or have sex, things like that.

 

That said, with the rest that you mentioned, it feels graysexual at least, if not asexual. I don't consider sensuality to be 'foreplay', because to me sensuality is how I share intimacy with a partner (it's my love language and I just like touch in general). I don't look to sex for that, so I consider cuddling and caressing to be physical affection and not sexual. (no need to stimulate genitals and all that)

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binary suns
8 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I'd ask if you could share more.. if you're comfortable to.

Spoiler

it's just that I like touching each other almost anywhere - including erogenous zones - but I don't really want to touch those parts of the body with the goal of getting off. It's just another way to connect physically. I guess I'm probably gray-sexual because of this.... would this make me gray?

 

 

8 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I don't consider sensuality to be 'foreplay', because to me sensuality is how I share intimacy with a partner

I think I feel similarly

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19 hours ago, binary suns said:

but I'm not sure if an allosexual can be afraid of sex.

They absolutely can be.  Probably happens more often when they're younger and it's newer, but it's a potentially very scary thing, so why couldn't it be scary?

 

The difference is that a sexual person will generally be more driven to push through and overcome this fear (in whatever way it takes) to experience the things they want to experience.  Asexuals will not necessarily be driven in this same way, and therefore is more likely to remain content without it.

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Sarah-Sylvia
4 hours ago, binary suns said:
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it's just that I like touching each other almost anywhere - including erogenous zones - but I don't really want to touch those parts of the body with the goal of getting off. It's just another way to connect physically. I guess I'm probably gray-sexual because of this.... would this make me gray?

 

 

I think I feel similarly

That's a tough one. Personally I would have no trouble touching places like that in passing, as just another part of the body, I think it takes to come back to it enough to build up sexual tension that would count more as sexual, though that's just my personal opinion. I do think that it's possible to have sex or reach orgasm without having to keep touchign there but it still takes sexual tension for that. And if someone likes the sexual tension but doesn't go to orgasm then I don't know, maybe that graysexual would fit like you think. It's up to how you like to see yourself. Though like I said I don't consider sensuality  to be sexual by itself so if it feels more like it's just another part of the body that you might go over you might not consider it sexual to you, I don't know.

 

One thing I can say is that it would be hard for a lot of people who allosexual to not reach orgasm if you would go over those parts which would likely build sexual tension for them. If you prefer not to go there for you or them then it would make sense to use an ace-spec label, not fitting a regular mold.

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On 3/15/2023 at 7:56 PM, binary suns said:

I don't want anything beyond that, but dislike anything beyond that. I don't really know if I feel attraction though, what is attraction?

Questioning is a process, but ultimately, I stopped the whole game of "am I ace or not?" when I accepted that if I can't understand a certain type of attraction, I probably don't feel it. I spent forever trying to make sense of sexual attraction, and I still don't truly understand it. But all my allosexual, alloromantic friends never had a single doubt about what they were feeling. And neither did I when I had my first and only crush. That's what it means when people say, "You just know".

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binary suns
On 3/15/2023 at 3:12 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

If you get past your fears of sex, do you think you'd like to and desire to share that kind of intimacy with someone? I

I think that when I had sex it wasn't very interesting. Can someone dislike sex falsely?

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Sarah-Sylvia
14 minutes ago, binary suns said:

I think that when I had sex it wasn't very interesting. Can someone dislike sex falsely?

There's all sorts of situations but I guess it would be about how well you know yourself (how you'll feel) and if you identify on the ace spectrum or not. You can keep open  whether you use a label or not, just that the most important is to know for yourself and for any potential partners.

 

Long time ago I thought maybe I was asexual because I wasn't into sex, but really it was that I had low libido, probably a big part of that by depression, and later when I did have some and wanted to have sex, I eventually felt that it wasn't important to me and I couldn't really match up to how most people feel about sex so I started identifying as graysexual and it's felt more and more right. That took time, so just to say it's ok to take the time you need.

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19 hours ago, binary suns said:

Can someone dislike sex falsely?

It's definitely possible to have underwhelming experiences with sex and lose interest in trying more of it, despite having the capacity to enjoy it. In fact, I believe that's where I'm at. I just wouldn't call that "falsely disliking", since that sounds like dishonesty or self-deception, instead of simply having other priorities.

 

On 3/15/2023 at 11:56 PM, binary suns said:

Actually, I liked touching them and being touched by them. [...] I don't want anything beyond that, but dislike anything beyond that. I don't really know if I feel attraction though, what is attraction?
[...]

1. yes, I would consider the person as attractive. I don't know if that attraction is sexual or not, though.

2. I don't know how to explain it, sorry. I feel a certain way about them. It's a mental and physical experience.

For what it's worth, I strongly resonate with these parts. Personally, I identify as gray-asexual because I have experienced what I'm pretty sure is sexual attraction, but it was far less common and intense than what my partner was feeling. Even when I do feel that someone is "sexy", the urge to cuddle is often stronger than anything sexual.

 

We could (and people do) spend all day arguing about the precise meaning of "attraction", but I believe we use that particular word because sexual orientations are usually about desires to perform sexual acts with other people. Not what sex acts you've actually done, nor what effects they've had on you, nor what decisions you've made about whether to do them, nor your reasons for making those decisions, nor anything to do with solo sex acts. After all, most allosexuals experience attraction long before they "do anything about it", and often decide not to act on that attraction. Plus, lots of asexuals (gray or not) enjoy sexual acts because of the emotional intimacy with their partners.

To me, the ambiguity you're describing is not about whether the feeling is attraction, but about when romantic/sensual attraction crosses the line into sexual attraction. And it does sound like you might be in a gray area there.

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lovemyaussies

Am I asexual if I want "everything but"?  I'm lesbian, and I want to be touched:  hugged, held, kissed, cuddled, hand held.  Genital contact just doesn't do anything for me.  I don't like it.  However I've also been through a bad breakup/divorce in which there was some alcohol-related emotional abusiveness.  I haven't experienced physical affection since my divorce, and I miss it.  I like being partnered, but I don't think I want sex anymore.  How does that even work?

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