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Hi I'm not asexual (though I use to think I was as a teenager). Actually I am a hetrosexual female who is also sapiosexual. Anyway I'm seriously considering breaking up with my boyfriend because he is an autistic savant. I was in denial of it for a long time but now that I'm living with him I'm starting to realize he just might actually be an autistic savant and being sapiosexual I just can't love an autistic savant. I told my mom about it and now she is mad at me and saying I'm being selfish. I tried explaining to her that I need an intelligent man in my life and even came out to her as sapiosexual but she still thinks I'm being selfish. Part of me hates to break up with my bf we've been dating for so long and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay rent if we can't split it. Other than that I know I can easily get a better smarter boyfriend. Guys tend to find me attractive anyway at least physically. Still my mom doesn't seem to understand my sapiosexuality and needing a smarter boyfriend even though I did my best to explain things to her. What can I do. I just can't be in a relationship with an autistic savant no matter how selfish others think I'm being. 

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First, to start out with, you don't need to justify to other people why you're ending a relationship you don't want to be in. If you don't want to be with your boyfriend, leave him. Whatever that requires with regards to your living situation, that is something that happens in life and you'll have to find a way to adjust, whether financially or by moving.

 

Next...it sounds to me like you're using "autistic savant" in a rather ableist way. Feel free to elaborate on what you mean by that.

 

Though, in general, "intelligence" is a flimsy concept that we have preconceived notions of that are very much rooted in ableism (and racism and sexism as well), because in reality there are many ways somebody can apply their minds to the world. What is your version of "intelligent" that you think makes a person attractive? Is it the knowledge they have about subjects like art, philosophy, or science? Their skills at things like chess? Their abilities to do quick calculations to divide up restaurant bills or estimate how long their tank of gas will last? You say you want a "better smarter boyfriend" but what does that entail to you? What will a "better smarter boyfriend" net you in the end? And how will you ensure that you have the best and smartest boyfriend at all times?

 

Or — or! — maybe you just need a more compatible boyfriend and it's not really about "intelligence" in its conventional form, and just about what you find appealing in a partner. Maybe it doesn't need to be worded — to yourself or to others, including your mom — in such silly ways as "I need somebody of superior intelligence as a partner, which must mean people I'm incompatible with are of inferior intelligence" but rather just... "I'm not attracted to him anymore." You don't need to make some official case that demonstrates your current boyfriend has a subpar IQ to break up with him. You don't need to turn this into "nono, you see, he is just inherently genetically in his bones not good enough for somebody like me, who has superior intellectual taste" or whatever. Just break up and move on.

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Please break up with your boyfriend. He deserves someone better.

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For someone so attracted to "intelligence" I'm not sure you're using the term savant correctly...

 

I'm also curious as to why you particularly need your mommy to be on board with your relationship decisions.

 

13 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Please break up with your boyfriend. He deserves someone better.

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General good advice about breaking up with someone: Make it about you, not about them.

 

Even if it is about them, the way you word it affects how everyone perceives your actions.

 

Like, maybe wait till you have figured out a way to make it about you.

 

Even if it really is about them.

 

It is harsh to just blame someone else's being for your dumping them. Selfish? I don't know if I'd say that. Your needs matter. But there's a way to do it like it's all their fault, and there's a way to do it like it's not their fault - which it kind of isn't, if it's just who they are.

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11 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Please break up with your boyfriend. He deserves someone better.

For real, my jaw dropped reading this. Like, you're allowed to break up with someone for any reason, that's fine, but be tactful about it and have empathy, especially when they've done absolutely nothing wrong.

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DragonflytotheMoon
23 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Please break up with your boyfriend. He deserves someone better.

Yes. Exactly. If this is indeed a real situation. Honestly, I'm getting a troll vibe. 

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@Greens The OP's attitude is fairly arrogant and selfish and dismissive and ableist. I really feel for her boyfriend. He does indeed deserve someone who's going to be better to him and show him more respect in situations even when he's not around (like in this post here on AVEN, which I assume he's not reading). He's a whole human being, not an accessory to be upgraded to a better model. She wasn't being particularly tactful herself, hence my phrasing.

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1 minute ago, Greens said:

@Ceebs Oh yeah definitely, I was agreeing with you, sorry if that wasn't clear 😅

Ohhhh you meant the OP re being tactful. Ok, gotcha. 

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rainbowocollie

You realize that autistic people are not automatically intellectually challenged, right? Autism is a social and sensory disability. Some autistic people are also intellectually challenged, but they don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Even if he were intellectually challenged, this is still rather a yikes response. I have intellectually challenged people in my life and I would never think of them this way, let alone speak about them this way.

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I realize that this is not the most helpful of responses, but that was my sincere reaction as an autistic person reading the OP

 

 

I hope I sufficiently reinforced the OP's belief that since I'm autistic and choose to respond this way instead of intellingently debating her in the marketplace of ideas in an intellectual and cerebral manner (intellectually), it reinforces her beliefs about all autistic people being dumb as rocks, because her boyfriend deserves better than a partner who "can't love him" over his neurotype.

 

OP, please dump him. If he were here, I'd be urging him to dump you instead, because you clearly have zero respect for him and he deserves better.

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@BunnyJen90 I have some genuine questions for you.

 

When you say that he's not intelligent enough for you, what do you actually mean? Specifically in what ways? If you've used the term 'savant', it sounds like he's actually very smart in certain ways. Are you the one deciding he's autistic, or does he have a diagnosis OR has he realised that he is himself (because well-informed self-diagnosis can be legit when someone does their research and recognises themselves in what they learn)? If he's autistic, is it actually other traits relating to his autism that you aren't ok with that have nothing to do with being smart (like he struggles socially, has behaviours that bother you, or you have incompatible ways of connecting and showing love), or does he seriously have an intellectual disability? You don't have to date an autistic person if you can't cope with their autistic traits, but don't make it out that he's just not smart enough.
 

None of my questions and your answers to them will change the fact that I've told you to break up. That needs to happen. You literally said that you can't love him. Why be in a relationship with someone you don't and can't love? The way you talk about him is so disrespectful... if my partner spoke about the things I struggle with in that way when I wasn't around and I somehow found out, I'd be heartbroken. (Also he wouldn't do that. I asked his opinion on this thread and he came up with a word for the way you're being that was less charitable than 'sapiosexual'.)

 

But yeah, honestly I don't even really know what you're trying to say about him.

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I would also like to know what an "autistic savant" is. Are you trying to say he's "very" autistic? Is he an "expert" in autism? Is he the most accomplished "at" autism? Tis most intriging🤔 ....

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Locking this for a cooling down period. Skycaptain moderator TGA 

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Unlocking this  Can we all please remember that disagreement is fine.  Suggesting that someone is a troll and otherwise insulting them contravenes ToS. If you suspect that someone is a troll please use the report button. Likewise it's perfectly acceptable to suggest that someone is in a relationship fraught with incompatibility issues without saying that they are inferior or words to that effect.

 

Thanks, Sky 

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I'd just like to advise that breaking up doesn't have to be about anything at all other than "I'm not feeling it anymore" and "I don't love you."

 

There often isn't any good reason to tell the other person how they're inadequate. But they'll ask, so, it's almost always worth it to be big enough to just not go there and simply insist that this is what one has to do for oneself.

 

This isn't a situation where they did something shitty and gonna get called on their shit, you know?

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rainbowocollie

Just my thoughts....
I don't want to make you feel singled out or anything, OP. But "I can't date you because I'm sapiosexual and prefer intelligent people" just isn't the same as "I can't date you because I'm gay and prefer the other gender". Sexual orientation is based on gender/sex and is innate. Sapiosexual is a thing, but I wouldn't call it an orientation. It's more a quality that attracts you to someone. If you were initially attracted to your bf, what changed that, aside from an autism diagnosis? People who are autistic can be very intelligent, they just have trouble with social cues.


All that said. You don't necessarily need a reason to break up with someone beyond "I'm not feeling it anymore". But I would encourage you to try and unlearn ableism, at least.

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