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After 15 years of marriage, my wife comes out as asexual.


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So, this is a long stressful story so ill try to keep it as short as I can .
First off in the beginning I never wanted to get married and I married for the wrong reasons (she was pregnant) I grew to love her deeply didn't really take that long tbh . 
We were very sexually active in the beginning and up till she had our first kid it was nearly every day.  then it was like we hit a wall sex became far in-between for the next 10 yrs sometimes only receiving sex 2x a yr and EVERY time felt like i was a chore and was a "quickie". Mind you i have a high sex drive I can go everyday , physical intimacy is my "love language" it's the only way I know of that makes me feel "close" with my partner.
Yes, I enjoy the other forms of affection but none actually make me feel loved. that being said I must say she doesn't really do any of the other "intimate" things a kiss goodnight  or as she's leaving for work that's it..
Anyways, back to the story. Turns out she had been cheating on me with 4-5 other men over that 10 years, and according to her it was all purely physical having sex up to 3x a day at some points (not a relief for me). After finding out I tried working with her on fixing "us" , but then 2 months later our 3 yr old daughter died. It took a couple yrs b4 I was even ready to look back into our marriage which hadn't changed understandably. But whenever I brought up my needs I got attacked or gaslit. so I fell into a deep depression crying myself to sleep at night wanting just feel loved and even sometimes straight begging to feel loved from her with little or no response. She'd promise to try and do this or that.. made 100 promises, but never followed through with even 1. Eventually I started confiding in a female friend that I happened to at one time have a crush on. You can guess where this went. To make it short I was to break contact so we can work on us.. so I did. My wife had started seeing a therapist earlier that month and her therapist basically pushed her to "move on" and my wife decided to start having a physical relationship with another man again. This actually starting the day after she asked me to break contact and also on the angelversary of our daughter dying and when she returned from this date, she straight told me she never loved me and never really wanted me to begin with... so I in return simply went back and took off where I ended with the other woman. As soon as my wife found out I was physical with this woman she FLIPPED. She started stalking us showing up at the woman's house making ALL my friends send me messages about "where I should be". so this stress ended up in me and the gf at the time " taking a break" and during this time my wife was threatening suicide like daily so I ended up going to where the family lived and staying there till things were better and it did subside. BUT during this time I drunkenly ended up sleeping with my wife and she ended up pregnant.. lol i know, trust me i know! On top of this the same day she told me she was pregnant, my gf at the time called to say she couldn't live without me and didn't wanna be on break anymore (literally an hr. after I was told of the pregnancy) I cried...it was a mess to say the least (6 moths of them fighting arguing over me). after i ended it with the other woman, we went to marriage counseling dredging everything up.. talking it out.  wife kept saying what she needed for this to work and me to have a " normal" sex life with her again.. I did everything the therapist and the wife asked, EVERYTHING! It seemed as if i was the issue and i needed to change even going as far as making the marriage counseling just me counseling and on top of that the wife wasn't so engaging kept moving the goal. promising that IF I just did these things she'd be open to my needs being met and even promised our sex life " will never be like this again". So after a while we couldn't afford to keep therapy up, money was tight. fast forward 5 yrs and nothing has changed and is arguably worse than b4 I left the marriage. We have sex roughly every 3 months, I have to make a deal about it for it to even happen and then its a quicky where she barely is there for it. For the past 2 yrs I've been openly telling her how lonely I am. We don't really talk much other than small talk we sleep in different rooms, She a lot of the times locks herself in her room avoiding both me and the kids. Mind you I'm still breaking down walls that were created by all the cheating and working my best to try to work this out.

Anyways in frustration I started digging through her stuff thinking there's gotta be some other guy and found a 200$ "long distance toy". I immediately think somethings up and start asking who is on the other end.. she denies it all and even says she didn't realize it was long distance and only solos with it to help her sleep.. and only used it maybe 3x..and never even installed the app for long distance. Okay well that's not terrible. I try to chill on the paranoia but some even now don't feel right.. and I push for info from her whenever i think of any new questions. I find out the app was installed just 3 months ago and she claims to not remember doing it. I'm trying my best to trust/believe it. So I bring up my needs and like every time I have in the past it turns into a fight cause somehow my needs do that. a day or so later she comes out as asexual telling me this is how it's always gonna be, that she can do it but she wont want it. I feel like I can't do that because I don't wanna feel like I'm forcing anything on her. We discussed me finding my needs with other woman, but I have to promise not to fall for them and that kind of thing being my love language and making me feel "close" to someone I cant promise that. (I made a profile on a singles app.. only to have her ask me to delete it) So going outside the marriage isn't something I really wanna do. Her suggestion ? we watch a movie on Sundays and that be our spending time together and maybe if she feels like it it'll happen ( she never feels like it) and I get therapy alone.

I reluctantly need outside minds.. is she asexual or is it she just doesn't want me. could she be cheating again and using this as a way to keep me away from trying? its all confusing and I'm tired of feeling alone. I feel hopeless .

Edited by nerdnuggets
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Leave, please leave. Your wife is treating you horribly. I have no idea if she's asexual (very much doesn't sound like it to me, like at all) and it doesn't matter anyway. She's a controlling, selfish, serial cheater who's engaged in actual gaslighting. She's told you she never loved you and never wanted you anyway, which is a horrible thing to say to someone -- particularly if you're trying to stay together. It's clear you're in a lot of emotional pain. It's a bad atmosphere for your children too. You don't have to tolerate being treated this way.

 

I got my partner (who used to be an active member here) to read this thread as well because I wondered what he would say, and he suggested that your wife may just be saying whatever comes to hand to keep control of the situation, which sounds quite likely to me as well. The rest of his advice: "She's a bad 'un. Leave."

 

Please do consider that option. You (and your kids) need to be your main priority here, not someone who's treated you the way your wife has. And should you want to pursue another relationship at some point, there are people out there who can love in the ways you need, without the manipulation and cruelty.

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1 hour ago, nerdnuggets said:

I reluctantly need outside minds.. is she asexual or is it she just doesn't want me. could she be cheating again and using this as a way to keep me away from trying?

It all sounds plausible, I don’t think any of us have any way to know.

 

At any rate, I’m a little skeptical that an asexual woman cheated with 4 or 5 other people. Is it possible that was a lie too?

 

I’m with Ceebs, it really sounds like there’s nothing for you in that marriage, whether your spouse is asexual or not. You are getting royally shat upon and it has been going on for years.

 

What’s in it for you?

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sorry , I'm not used to using forums at all this is actually the 1st time I've ever posted anything in a forum.

I know it's bad!
The cheating was real I had to find out from the other men or on my own she never came clean, until she was shown actual evidence she strongly denied it even making me feel like I was wrong for even thinking it. That being said I've let that stuff go and only included it in the story for context into why I'd think she may be cheating rather than being asexual as she says. I feel bad even asking this cause it invalidates her if she is. My main issue is weather I should take her word. Because I may not understand the asexual part of it , but I'd imagine they wouldn't be serial (physical cheating only) cheaters. I apologize if I'm wrong in the assumption, up till she claimed this I hadn't done any real research and am still learning.
The reason I stay atm is that I love her, I love my kids with her. but, IF she is cheating again I wont be able to deal with it any longer .. I refuse and have stated such.

on a side note when I was gone for 2yrs with another woman i was technically/legally cheating as well. i feel like crap every single day for what I put the other woman through, because I genuinely cared for her and i hurt her.

and until my wife came out as asexual ,she used that I was with the other person as a reason it is how it is (resentment)

and I know I'm messed up as well, I've.. we've been through the ringer who wouldn't be?

Edited by nerdnuggets
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$200 is ridiculously expensive for a sex toy, and I don't believe for one minute that she got something that expensive on a random whim, and didn't know anything about the long distance aspect of it. Someone only buys something like that if they have someone to use it with. The two of you have a pretty horrifying history of deception, secrecy, and cheating; almost any relationship can be saved if BOTH people really want to and will commit to intensive therapy, though... Is there any chance that she would agree to that? If not, you should start seeing a therapist yourself, to work on your own issues, so that, whether with her or someone else, you can have a relationship without cheating, without violating her privacy by digging through her things, and the various other issues that have been your half of the problems here. As part of the therapy, the therapist will eventually help you see whether you have anything in your marriage worth saving, which is beyond our ability to know in an anonymous forum.

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Picklethewickle

Setting aside whether or not she is asexual, this relationship hasn't been working for either of you for a long time. She hurts you. She lies to you. She cheats on you. She told you she doesn't love you. You in turn have felt driven to cheat on her.

 

This relationship has brought unhappiness to both of you, and will likely continue to bring unhappiness in the future. The best solution may be for the two of you to separate, and each pursue new relationships of your own, without each other's input. You said you still love her and the kids. Continue to be a parent to the kids. If you feel it will be safe to do so, continue to be a friend to her. The two of you can watch movies and not have sex as friends, instead of as partners.

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Don't think about "asexuality". Go to a much simpler question:  Are you happy in the marriage, and if not do you see a realistic path to being happy?

 

Life is too short to spend in a relationship that makes you unhappy.  If that is the case, offer fair terms for the divorce and find someone who does make you happy and she can do the same. 

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11 hours ago, nerdnuggets said:

Because I may not understand the asexual part of it , but I'd imagine they wouldn't be serial (physical cheating only) cheaters.

It really makes no sense to me at all. Someone who is asexual is certainly capable of having sex and doing so willingly (like to please a partner, conceive a child, whatever), but repeatedly pursuing sex isn't a very asexual activity, and even less so when it involves cheating on your spouse multiple times with several people purely for the sex itself. That's just not adding up.

 

11 hours ago, nerdnuggets said:

n a side note when I was gone for 2yrs with another woman i was technically/legally cheating as well. i feel like crap every single day for what I put the other woman through, because I genuinely cared for her and i hurt her.

We often make bad choices in difficult situations and you can't change the past. Been there myself. Forgive yourself and work on your own stuff and move forward. 

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1. OP, you need to leave. Life is so much better than that, and you deserve better.

 

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

It really makes no sense to me at all.

2. I have a golden rule: When it doesn’t make sense, there’s a lie in there somewhere. 

 

14 hours ago, Dawning said:

Someone only buys something like that if they have someone to use it with.

Categorically false.  I bought a WeVibe a few

years back and had zero clue it was a long distance thing. (It’s close distance too!😂) The sales girl told me all about it, but failed to mention the obvious “WE” aspect. 🙄😂

 

Ahem - No “we” needed. To this day, it’s easily my favorite toy, and it’s (usually) a solo thing.
 

With that said. The OP’s story is ripe with BS from his wife; Plus, she installed the app. She’s a serial liar and, well, needs to go. Imho

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I read your post a couple of times and I'm basically of the opinion that the question is not is she or isn't she asexual but is she or isn't she a narcissist? 

From what you write and from your perspective it sounds to me she's more like a grandiose narcissist with perhaps borderline personality disorder.

If she is, freeing yourself of her will not be easy. Many therapists don't even take on NPDs because they often outwit them.

I suggest putting the sex on standby and talk through everything else with your therapist. Don't be harsh on yourself what's been has been. You'll have time to reflect and be remorseful, but for now try and save your own skin and that of your kids. Very good luck to you.

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16 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

I read your post a couple of times and I'm basically of the opinion that the question is not is she or isn't she asexual but is she or isn't she a narcissist?

Bingo!

 

I hate throwing that word around because people seem to use it nonchalantly these days when it's a clinically diagnosable psychological disorder (whether someone actually gets diagnosed is another thing, as many never seek any type of help because they see nothing wrong with their behaviour). The reason I asked my partner to read this thread is because some things about the OP's wife instantly reminded me of my partner's mum, who was a nightmare of a woman, somewhere in the narcissist/sociopath realm of things. Not with the cheating/sex thing specifically, but the selfish manipulation and control aspect. His dad was her main enabler and he and his sister grew up in that fucked-up atmosphere. Borderline personality disorder is a bit all over the place and manifests in many diverse ways... some people with BPD don't behave like this at all and when someone shows certain other traits that lean more towards NPD, I try not to drag out the BPD label. But anyway, grandiose narcissism honestly sounds about right here, and people like that don't do genuine empathy because they can't, and they don't change and they drag everyone around them into their narrative. They can be very charming too, which confuses and fools people.

 

But yes I have genuine concern for the OP and his children here.

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To add context.
After talking to her some last night, she says the best way to explain why she cheated b4 was she thought something was wrong with her and didn't know why she didn't enjoy or get what other ppl do from sex, so she thought maybe if she did it with this person or that person, that it would "feel different" but it didn't and that she was seeking to feel "normal". She also said for most of her adult life she only had sex to get ppl to like her or for the reason that she thought that was what is normal and what she is supposed to do and has just recently researched and came to terms that she is just asexual.

I'll try to answer replies as I can, I stay mostly busy being at home parent that homeschools my kids.

Edited by nerdnuggets
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I am not qualified to diagnose anybody. I've been reading a lot on NPD lately, It's darn serious. These people know manipulation, lying, drama etc. 

They don't do empathy at all. They can fake it like good actors but there is nothing there. 

Your account of your angel anniversary is what made the penny drop for me.

If your wife has a personality disorder do seek help. You will need a lot of support mentally with a therapist or neuropsychiatrist and legally with an understanding and able lawyer. Put the kids first, but be strong and safe.

 

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14 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

The two of you can watch movies and not have sex as friends, instead of as partners.

This reminds me of that joke about asexual swingers.

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6 hours ago, nerdnuggets said:

To add context.
After talking to her some last night, she says the best way to explain why she cheated b4 was she thought something was wrong with her and didn't know why she didn't enjoy or get what other ppl do from sex, so she thought maybe if she did it with this person or that person, that it would "feel different" but it didn't and that she was seeking to feel "normal". She also said for most of her adult life she only had sex to get ppl to like her or for the reason that she thought that was what is normal and what she is supposed to do and has just recently researched and came to terms that she is just asexual.

I'm not sure I'd believe a word she said. Asexual, not asexual, who cares? She's been deceitful to a frankly astounding level.

 

Nobody's sexuality is 'liar'. 

 

The phrase 'missing the forest for the trees' comes to mind, but to the nth degree. Sexual incompatibility isnt where your focus ought to be, my friend.

 

Say, fo the sake of argument, that she is. She experiences little to no sexual attraction. How does that change everything/anything that's happened in the marriage? You've both still been unfaithful. She still moves goalposts. Does no work on herself.

 

Feels a little like you're coming to Aven to ask for a bucket of water to put out a wildfire.

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7 hours ago, nerdnuggets said:

 She also said for most of her adult life she only had sex to get ppl to like her

Guess she stopped wanting you to like her somewhere along the line.

 

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