MamaSwan Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 Hi! Okay so I realized a few weeks ago that I'm asexual (at least gray). And few days ago I found out I'm aromantic too. Always have been and all this has been a shock to find out at 47. I have written about these already in a couple of times on this forum. Sex has been okay sometimes. I have had high sex drive sometimes and having partnered sex has fit with that quite well. Sometimes I have even liked sex. Sinetimes it has been "meh", sometimes awful. But I have been able to perform it, more often than not. The more straightforward the easier. I have been described as "wild" even. I have played my role well. But romantic sex. That... No. One boyfriend once critisized that I have no idea what it means to "make love". True. I have no idea and don't even care to know. I cannot attach the idea of intimacy to sex. I suppose you cannot perform or act that. Can anyone else relate to this? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rebis Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 I think I get what you mean. You're saying it's easy to "perform" sex, but that partners can on some level recognize that it is a performance? That, in short, while you could fake an orgasm, what you can't fake is genuine sexual desire? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MamaSwan Posted February 2, 2023 Author Share Posted February 2, 2023 1 hour ago, rebis said: I think I get what you mean. You're saying it's easy to "perform" sex, but that partners can on some level recognize that it is a performance? That, in short, while you could fake an orgasm, what you can't fake is genuine sexual desire? Yes, something like that. I have a sex drive (sometimes) and when that hits, I can get physically aroused, so as a purely physical act sex works (sometimes). But romantic desire, intimacy etc... that truly requires acting. Maybe my partner wouldn't know but I would. So maybe I am aromantic more than asexual... I don't know. Still on my way to understand everything... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Allpur Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 I thought my partner was just shy and needed lots of patience and TLC and I was actually enthusiastic about the gems of emotions that would unravel. She insisted on a precise procedure to cause her to climax. Which after years, remains the ONLY response from her of any sort of participation. Although sometimes I feel like a total fool for the past... I can not change it or her. Not sure sometimes about the future- Any insights or advice? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rebis Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 1 hour ago, MamaSwan said: Yes, something like that. I have a sex drive (sometimes) and when that hits, I can get physically aroused, so as a purely physical act sex works (sometimes). But romantic desire, intimacy etc... that truly requires acting. Maybe my partner wouldn't know but I would. So maybe I am aromantic more than asexual... I don't know. Still on my way to understand everything... Oh, I hope my previous comment did not seem to somehow suggest you should not consider yourself asexual? That was not my intent at all, so I apologize if I gave that impression. No, I get what you mean about sex working on a purely physical level. I think is is similar to what I meant about a lack of "genuine desire", we are just using different wording, I think. Physiological arousal is not the same thing as mental/emotional desire. The two often overlap, so people expect that it will be automatic. I think the two overlap less evenly in folks on the asexual spectrum. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 I think this is another type of variation in human sexuality. For some people sex, romance and love are so tightly interconnected that they have trouble imagining that its different for anyone else. For others sex (like the OP) sex is not at all romantic. It might (or might not) be fun, and physically pleasurable, but there is no romantic connection. Huge variation between humans. As always was matters is compatibility in a relationship. Part of that is recognizing what matters to your partner even if its difficult to imagine yourself. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 7 hours ago, MamaSwan said: But romantic sex. That... No. One boyfriend once critisized that I have no idea what it means to "make love". True. I have no idea and don't even care to know. I cannot attach the idea of intimacy to sex. I suppose you cannot perform or act that. I think it takes to be alloromantic to do this. I'm romantic not sexual and that's basically one thing I have trouble with, because sex to me is not really something to share love with, it's more like physical pleasure fun, I guess? Which seems fine to share with someone loved, but it's not that interesting to me xD. You can be romantic/intimate without sex. For me I love cuddling and being physically close because that's my love language, but it just doesn't translate to sex. There are a lot of other ways to share romance and intimacy too. Just mentioning in case. Most important is just to be true to you, as I say often. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Eutierria Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 9 hours ago, MamaSwan said: Sex has been okay sometimes. I have had high sex drive sometimes and having partnered sex has fit with that quite well. Sometimes I have even liked sex. Sinetimes it has been "meh", sometimes awful. But I have been able to perform it, more often than not. The more straightforward the easier. I have been described as "wild" even. I have played my role well. Some people refer to this type of sex as 'Hookup Sex', "Meaningless Sex" or a 'Quickie' - depending on their needs & how they define these moments. 9 hours ago, MamaSwan said: But romantic sex. That... No. One boyfriend once critisized that I have no idea what it means to "make love". True. I have no idea and don't even care to know. I cannot attach the idea of intimacy to sex. I suppose you cannot perform or act that. If I were to ever engage in this type of activity, "making love" is probably the only way I would know how to do it - as a demiromantic, this makes sense to me. I sometimes wonder if I'm aroflux but thinking about this has made me realise maybe not(?) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MamaSwan Posted February 3, 2023 Author Share Posted February 3, 2023 18 hours ago, rebis said: Oh, I hope my previous comment did not seem to somehow suggest you should not consider yourself asexual? That was not my intent at all, so I apologize if I gave that impression. No, I get what you mean about sex working on a purely physical level. I think is is similar to what I meant about a lack of "genuine desire", we are just using different wording, I think. No problem! I didn't take it like that. I do still struggle myself with this. Asexuality (or gray) fits how I feel and really resonates. But my past sexual behaviour baffles me. It doesn't fit anywhere. So I think about it a lot, from every perspective. Somehow I think that I've been "over-doing" it to hide the lack of desire. But the past is past and maybe I don't have to understand and explain everything in it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rebis Posted February 3, 2023 Share Posted February 3, 2023 1 hour ago, MamaSwan said: No problem! I didn't take it like that. I do still struggle myself with this. Asexuality (or gray) fits how I feel and really resonates. But my past sexual behaviour baffles me. It doesn't fit anywhere. So I think about it a lot, from every perspective. Somehow I think that I've been "over-doing" it to hide the lack of desire. But the past is past and maybe I don't have to understand and explain everything in it. I honestly think you have the answer to the dilemma at the end there: the past is past, and you really don't need to explain everything. I wasted quite a bit of time struggling with that idea, but it's really not more complicated. We can't change the past, we can only be honest about how we feel going forward. But yeah, not surprisingly, most asexuals tend to either have not had sex, or have been in one (or very few) long term, monogamous (and likely near-sexless) relationships. So having a more active or colorful sexual history ... you know, just makes you a statistical outlier, for the asexual community. You're not the only one, tho! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
aafire Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 I struggle with this too - I *really* dislike romantic sex. The entire romantic aspect of sex just feels wrong and weird to me, and I'd much rather have a fun fling without worrying about the connection. Like sex can be fun and enjoyable and all, but I'm not doing it for the sake of professing my love to someone. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lulu48 Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 As a romo-ace, sex and romance are two very different things to me. Romance is romance and sex is just sex, the two aren't really connected in my opinion. Even though I have sex with romantic partners, I do it for sex drive and libido, not for romance. I show romantic love in another way. So yes, I can relate with you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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