I have no clue how I feel about sex

[micr0chip]

Ok so, I’m a 20 year old gay male and I’ve basically always been confused about the way I view sex. Whenever I jerk off I find sex repulsive, which I think is just post-nut clarity. But like, I don’t know anybody else who has it as bad as I do. Like, every time I end up spiraling afterwards and am confused on why I did it. I’ve had sexual partners in the past, most of them being one offs, and I’ve always felt the same way after them too. I had a semi serious thing over the summer and he was hyper sexual so we did stuff a lot. The thing is, I’m not sure if I did it because I enjoyed it or because I wanted him to like me (for context I have bpd and doing things to make others like me is very common). Now I’m left here confused because I don’t know if I actually enjoy sex or I just want people to like. It especially sucks because the gay community is extremely sexual with one another so being sexual back is basically a requirement. I don’t know what asexuality even is, should I not enjoy orgasms? Everything is just all too confusing for me and I wish I had an answer. Can anyone relate? Please?

[Monke Jimmy]

The simplest (and least sensitive) way I can say it is just to say don't have sex. Don't lean into the stereotype. Like the "just say no" anti-drug campaigns. 

 

The better way I can say it is you should consider how sex benefits you. Lots of aces have a libido experience orgasms and enjoy them, but don't necessarily feel the need for someone else to be a part of that. If you think you would be fine without having sex, then don't do it. Try to say no every time someone offers. Practice it in your head. Maybe offer to do other bonding-type activities like board games or a movie or something. 

 

Sorry if this sounds a little mean. I'm not the most knowledgeable. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @micr0chip

I think the most important thing is to be true to yourself. If you feel like exploring sex, then you can, and if you don't, then you don't need to. Of course it's important for a partner to know if you don't want to be sexual, because like you said it's normal or expected for a lot of people. You might be on the asexual spectrum, or you might have complicated feelings about sex. I wouldn't call how people feel after sex 'clarity', but there are feelings that can come up. And you can maybe find something that makes sense in them but if they're negative then don't listen to them fully, but more try to process them and see what you really want when it comes to what makes you happy. At least that's how I approach it but it's ok to take your time and see what makes sense to you (over time).

 

Hope the site is useful too in finding what you want for your relationships.

[silent__]

I do relate to some of this, since I'm also not sure how I feel about sex. I've never done anything sexual with another person, and I have no idea if I would want to or not.

 

The thing about confusion is that it usually means we have more to learn about something. I don't know if this seems helpful to you, but I've found it helpful to think about my sexuality from a perspective of curiosity and learning. I remind myself that I don't need to know for sure how I feel about sex, and I can learn as I go, and it's okay if I think I know something and then decide later that it's something else.

 

You never need to do anything you don't want to, in terms of sexuality, but it's also okay if you do something and then realize afterward that you didn't really want it. That's not a failure, that's just learning. But also, it's okay to not want or enjoy sex!! And it's okay to say no to something if you're not sure! And it's okay to be confused about what you want! I do know how frustrating that confusion can be, though. Especially as I've found it does make it feel difficult to have relationships with people when I don't even know what I want from them.

 

I guess the main thing, for me anyway, is trusting that I do know what I want deep down, and eventually I'll figure it out. For now, all I need to do is accept what I don't know and keep learning.

[DaveyG]

I am an 18 year old gay male and I feel the same way about sex, it doesn't appeal to me. I don't desire to get naked with someone, but I do feel attracted to guys in a way I can't describe. I just don't know how to identify myself: gay or ace? a mix between them? gray-ace? It's all very confusing to me too..

[Geekykitty]

20 hours ago, DaveyG said:

I am an 18 year old gay male and I feel the same way about sex, it doesn't appeal to me. I don't desire to get naked with someone, but I do feel attracted to guys in a way I can't describe. I just don't know how to identify myself: gay or ace? a mix between them? gray-ace? It's all very confusing to me too..

Asexual people can still be attracted to people in a romantic way. So they may think that person is good looking, or want a romantic relationship with them, or even desire some physical intimacy like kissing and cuddling. Asexuals just don't feel a need for the sexual part. So a guy who is attracted to men in some romantic way thats not sexual might say they're homoromantic.

[Geekykitty]

On 2/2/2023 at 6:39 PM, micr0chip said:

thing is, I’m not sure if I did it because I enjoyed it or because I wanted him to like me (for context I have bpd and doing things to make others like me is very common). Now I’m left here confused because I don’t know if I actually enjoy sex or I just want people to like. It especially suck

I think its perfectly ok to be unsure about your sexuality and to need some time to figure things out. 

As an asexual I guess I describe it as just not feeling any desire or need for sex. I'm 38 and never had sex and it doesnt bother me one bit! Wheras a sexual person would probably not be happy they werent getting any sex 😝 I hear sexual people sometimes being upset that their partner doesnt desire them sexually or want to have sex with them. So for a sexual person the sex part seems to be an important part of a relationship, if it was missing they would be unhappy - (in very general terms!). But asexual people would be perfectly happy in a relationship without sex. So maybe think about how you feel in that way. If you never had sex ever again would you be happy about that? Or do you feel an inner desire or pull to have sex with someone, do you feel like if you had a relationship you would want sex to be part of it? 

[CincinnatiAsexual]

It doesn't seem like you have a desire to have sex, other than to be more approachable for a significant other. 

 

There are asexuals that have libido and have the urge to masturbate. I am one of them. I on the other hand have never desired to have sex. My wife and I prioritize our physical intimacy in a way that we can have orgasms without actually having intercourse. It is certainly possible that you enjoy orgasms but do not desire sex, but I think you would need to figure out for yourself what you are or are not desiring.

 

If you met someone that was asexual and you were dating them, would you be fine with never having sex?

[Alylib]

I wish I had an answer too! I am a 30-year old woman and I still don't understand my feelings about sex. I sometimes feel like, the idea of sex sounds nice but I think if I was ever in the situation where I’d have sex with someone, I don’t think I would. I don’t have any experience because I always felt really weird about sex so I can’t really say for sure how I’d feel. It’s all really confusing and I wish I knew others who I can relate to and talk to about it. 

[Mike D]

On 2/2/2023 at 2:39 AM, micr0chip said:

Ok so, I’m a 20 year old gay male and I’ve basically always been confused about the way I view sex.

Others have tackled the "what is asexuality" question so instead I'm going to talk about dealing with the other issues you mention.

First off, be wary of the role internalized homophobia can play in this.  Most of us grow up being told that M/M sex one of the worst and most degrading things that exists, so if you start feeling some same-sex attraction it can be galling.  Finding out that you are the thing that most of us are taught to hate can definitely color your thinking about sex.

A serious question to ask yourself is this:  what do you fantasize about when you masturbate?  That is a huge tell of where your actual interests lie, of what really turns you on.  The erotic imagination has a way of getting directly to the point.  If there are certain scenarios that almost always turn up in your head then like it or no, that's what you're into.  But as long as what you're into is legal and consensual then you do not need to be ashamed!  Embrace your sexuality, including your kinks.  Whatever you're into, or not into, you're not alone!

If you want to date men in a non-sexual capacity, though, you can do that.  I know the stereotype is that all gay men are horndogs -- and a lot of them are, it's true, espiecally in your age range -- but there are gay men out there, including young gay men, who are less sexual.  Some are even non-sexual, and some are sexual but perfectly capable of pursuing non-sexual friendships with other gay men.  Those guys do exist, I promise!

While you grapple with this see if you can find guys whose interests align with yours and date or at least befriend them.  Be very up front about where you are on all this.  If you don't feel ready for sex, let your partner know and let them know early.  Yeah, sometimes you will get the cold shoulder from guys who are hoping they can talk you into sex, but don't worry about them.  Some will insult you, some will guilt-trip you, some will gaslight you, and that sucks, but toss them aside.  Those guys are are chaff; you're looking for wheat.  Find your tribe of gay men who you can hang with who won't pressure you for sex, and you will have a good launch pad for further self-discovery.

And if it turns out there are elements of M/M sex that you enjoy and some that you don't, you are never beholden to do it all!  There is actually quite a surprising number of gay men out there who aren't into anal, for instance, despite the stereotypes.

But remember, you don't owe anybody sex, ever, period.  Sex should always happen with mutual enthusiastic consent from all involved parties.  Within that, your boundaries need to be respected.  Guys who don't get that go into the chaff pile and you should never give them a second thought.