glitterdiva6 Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 So for some quick background info- I am now in my early 20s , but I began to be sexually active when I was 16. It was never something I desired for myself growing up, but when it was offered by my then partner- I figured why not try it out. Long story short- I didn’t enjoy it but I thought I was just inexperienced and didn’t have enough experience to say I didn’t really like it. But I continued to not enjoy it as time went on, so I just decided to just keep doing it for my long partner’s sake. It felt like an obligation to me. Overtime it began to feel very draining so I just stopped. So almost two years later- I still don’t have fond memories of my experiences nor do I really desire to have sex with anyone. When I discovered what sex averse was- I immediately connected to it. But after doing more research on asexuality- I feel like the term ‘gray asexual’ may apply more to me. Just wondering if anyone has similar experiences or any advice to give? Thx! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 Hi @glitterdiva6 That does sound like an experience someone on the asexual spectrum would have. That's to say not really feeling desire or finding enough to enjoy much about it. Hope your time on the site is useul. Feel free to share or ask anything. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 What has you thinking grey instead of just outright ace? For the record, aces can go along with sex to either satisfy a partner or their own curiosity -- it doesn't really change what they are if it doesn't lead to outright desire for the act. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 1 minute ago, Philip027 said: What has you thinking grey instead of just outright ace? That was my immediate thought as well. Obviously I can't tell you how you ought to identify @glitterdiva6, but it sounds to me like you simply don't ever desire sex at all, which fits with just being straight-up asexual. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glitterdiva6 Posted February 2, 2023 Author Share Posted February 2, 2023 30 minutes ago, Philip027 said: What has you thinking grey instead of just outright ace? For the record, aces can go along with sex to either satisfy a partner or their own curiosity -- it doesn't really change what they are if it doesn't lead to outright desire for the act. (I don’t know if I’m replying to this correctly, I hope I am lol) I say gray because I am okay with having sex to satisfy a partner somewhat occasionally. It makes me happy to see them happy from it. I just don’t have the drive to do it nearly as much as past partners essentially expected me to. I thought being okay with it sometimes would mean I fall more into the ‘gray’ spectrum. I’m very new to the terminology in the ace community so thank you for explaining this to me! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 22 minutes ago, glitterdiva6 said: (I don’t know if I’m replying to this correctly, I hope I am lol) I say gray because I am okay with having sex to satisfy a partner somewhat occasionally. It makes me happy to see them happy from it. I just don’t have the drive to do it nearly as much as past partners essentially expected me to. I thought being okay with it sometimes would mean I fall more into the ‘gray’ spectrum. I’m very new to the terminology in the ace community so thank you for explaining this to me! Someone asexual can be sex favorable, and what you said pretty much falls into that category, unless it's not just being ok with it but actively desiring it naturally, or it being important for you in a relationship as a love language. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 Yeah, being okay with sex (or even being able to enjoy it if it happens) can still fall under the realm of asexuality. The determining point is whether or not it's something you actually desire for your own sake and satisfaction (i.e. internal motivation), not necessarily for anyone else's (i.e. external motivation). I also like seeing my partner happy, and that's why I go along with it. But if were simply up to me and how I felt, it's not something I would ever even think of. It doesn't mean I dislike the experience by any means; there's just only external motivation for me rather than internal. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted February 2, 2023 Share Posted February 2, 2023 You sound totally asexual. It also sounds like maybe you thought you were sex favorable at the beginning of the relationship, or at least you thought having sex to please a partner would be more sustainable for you that it actually was. And now you are really sick and tired of having sex you have no innate desire for and either you've become sex averse or you've realized that you're sex averse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glitterdiva6 Posted February 3, 2023 Author Share Posted February 3, 2023 7 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said: You sound totally asexual. It also sounds like maybe you thought you were sex favorable at the beginning of the relationship, or at least you thought having sex to please a partner would be more sustainable for you that it actually was. And now you are really sick and tired of having sex you have no innate desire for and either you've become sex averse or you've realized that you're sex averse. I think it definitely became unsustainable over time. We were together for nearly four years. It was a clear priority to them and not to me. But in the time I have been single, it has definitely allowed me reflect & realize it, and also embrace & accept it :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kroete Posted February 3, 2023 Share Posted February 3, 2023 I think there is a confusion in terminology. "Asexual" doesn't neccessarily mean "no sex ever" but that you *for yourself* feel no sexual attraction or have no inner urge/drive to do it. Or in a tiny amount only. Gray-asexual thus means that sexual attraction or an inner drive still occurs sometimes, but it's rare enough that it would fall outside the societal norm. It's somewhere in the "gray zone" between asexual and allosexual (=not asexual). Both asexuals and gray-asexuals can still CHOOSE to have sex, but it's not neccessarily driven by sexual attraction. One example for such a choice is to engage in sex to please in partner, although it doesn't excite you very much. Now, what is important to understand, the asexual spectrum is large and diverse, so many different people on the asexual spectrum might be more, or less open to sex. Or not at all. I think as long you don't feel abused in this kind of relationship, it's OK. But if you have to *force* yourself into sex, that's a huge red flag and you should stop. It's never a good idea to force sex into a relationship when one of the partners clearly has a problem with it. I'm asexual who never had sex but even if for some strange reason I CHOSE to have sex once (unlikely), I would still be asexual because it would not come from my inner urge. Allosexuals, by contrast, DO feel an inner urge and sexual attraction. Now about the term "sex-averse": This is actually compatible with many other aspec-related labels. Sex-averse means you feel averse to the act of sex itself, so it's not about your sexual orientation. It simply describes a different thing. Usually, the term "sex-averse" is thus used in combination with some other term to describe the sexual orientation. It's a fallacy to think that you can only carry one label at once. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CincinnatiAsexual Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 On 2/2/2023 at 8:01 PM, glitterdiva6 said: I think it definitely became unsustainable over time. We were together for nearly four years. It was a clear priority to them and not to me. But in the time I have been single, it has definitely allowed me reflect & realize it, and also embrace & accept it It is great that you took some time to process what was happening. When I was in my teens and early 20's I thought I would want to have sex when I found the right person, but here I am at 35 and still a virgin, happily married. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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