This self understanding keeps on giving...

[MamaSwan]

Hi! 

 

I'm 47 years old and just a while ago realized I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum. I have never had real desire to have sex with other people in real life. Only in my imagination. But I have thought I have it because I didn't know it could be possible to not have it. I have pushed  myself into doing it. I have faked and for short moments even fooled myself. I can get aroused and kinda like it. But there was always something off. Finding asexuality has helped me understand many things in my past relationships.

 

But now... Oh no... I'm starting to see that I'm not very romantic either. I first found myself telling the man I'm currently seeing what kind of touches I like and what not. Then I realized I liked only platonic touches. And always have. I have always felt awkward with boys/men being "touchy-feely", making out and cuddling. Abouy kissing... platonic pecks are nice and if there is sex, then skilled french kissing is okay (at least it prevents from eye contacts) but the weird sitting on a couch or park bench and kissing... I don't get it. This lead me to thinking do I like anything romantic? Have I ever wanted? Well... No.

So why am I dating? I don't know. I didn't date for many years until I met the man I'm with now. I suppose I need to talk some more with him. I already told him about asexuality and now this... Not fair for him. He is sexual and definetely romantic. And he is in love with me. Or at least was. I cannot ask for a platonic relationship with him... Right?

 

What I would want is a best friend to share my life with. Maybe a roommate. A companion in old age. But not a romantic or sexual relationship. 

 

It is good to finally knowing myself. Buy no more new twists in learning to understand myself. Please! I'm not just happy about all this. This kinda sucks too! 

 

[rebis]

I mean, it never hurts to ask, I don't think?

[Guest]

I don't see why there would be harm in telling him that you've realized you're aromantic but would be interested in a platonic relationship. He's the one who knows what he's okay living with. As long as he clearly knows what asexuality and aromanticism mean in practice he can make an informed choice.

[MamaSwan]

Thank you for replies. I will talk about this with him. He is a very kind person who tends to put other people's needs before his own. In a way that makes it harder for me. But we'll figure it out.

Anyway, that wasn't really my point. I tried to (not very well) say that finding these things out about myself is weird. It feels great to finally understand everything. Including in the past relationships. But it also feels like losing something. I always wanted to be like others regarding love. I wanted to find or fix it. Somehow it's shocking and... sad, I guess, to realize it doesn't exist. Even though it is also a big relief.

When I found out I'm asexual, it felt safe and familiar to think that at least I do feel romantic attraction. Now that seems to be dissipating. All the false costumes are being taken away and I feel exposed and cold... 

After so many years happily on my own I felt weirdly drawn to this man I'm dating. Did I really have to start dating just to finally understand why I'm not into dating? It's baffling.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, MamaSwan said:

Thank you for replies. I will talk about this with him. He is a very kind person who tends to put other people's needs before his own. In a way that makes it harder for me. But we'll figure it out.

Anyway, that wasn't really my point. I tried to (not very well) say that finding these things out about myself is weird. It feels great to finally understand everything. Including in the past relationships. But it also feels like losing something. I always wanted to be like others regarding love. I wanted to find or fix it. Somehow it's shocking and... sad, I guess, to realize it doesn't exist. Even though it is also a big relief.

When I found out I'm asexual, it felt safe and familiar to think that at least I do feel romantic attraction. Now that seems to be dissipating. All the false costumes are being taken away and I feel exposed and cold... 

After so many years happily on my own I felt weirdly drawn to this man I'm dating. Did I really have to start dating just to finally understand why I'm not into dating? It's baffling.

I don't think that's such a strange thing. Imagining romantic situations and actually experiencing them can be very different.

 

I also thought that I might enjoy a romantic relationship, but after repeat attempts a pattern is emerging where I never can genuinely reciprocate the romantic interest.

 

There are many paths to a fulfilling life, romance just gets put on a pedestal. I recently discovered the Solo podcast by Peter McGraw, which covers a broad spectrum of experiences relating to solo living. I also discovered Bella DePaulo's work on single living. I think this article in particular is great, as it dispels many common myths: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202212/the-unsung-joy-of-living-alone

 

Also keep in mind that relationship scripts are more flexible these days. As long as you have open communication you might be able to unearth alternatives that could work for both of you. And if not... I do understand that sense of loss. I've met wonderful people I could potentially have shared life with if I did have the romantic inclinations - but there are so many other ways to lead a wonderful life and we mustn't lose sight of that.

[Lupin-]

2 hours ago, MamaSwan said:

Anyway, that wasn't really my point. I tried to (not very well) say that finding these things out about myself is weird. It feels great to finally understand everything. Including in the past relationships. But it also feels like losing something. I always wanted to be like others regarding love. I wanted to find or fix it. Somehow it's shocking and... sad, I guess, to realize it doesn't exist. Even though it is also a big relief.

When I found out I'm asexual, it felt safe and familiar to think that at least I do feel romantic attraction. Now that seems to be dissipating. All the false costumes are being taken away and I feel exposed and cold... 

I felt (and still feel, sometimes) the exact same way. I'm under 20 and have never had sex or been in a romantic relationship. When I realized I was probably asexual, that had nowhere near the same effect on me as realizing I was probably aromantic did, and a loveless aromantic at that. I was honestly pretty relieved to come to the understanding I was asexual and to totally throw out the idea of ever having sex. But I fully expected to get into a romantic relationship and experience its greatness and whatever else. People talk about it with such reverence and I was getting impatient wondering when I'd see what they meant! But I haven't and I don't think I ever will, which kinda crushed me because I think I was looking forward to it. Although if I REALLY give it thought, I don't think I'd be happy in a romantic relationship; I'd probably just be stressed wondering when they're gonna leave me and wondering if I'm doing stuff right and overall, I know I'd be much, much happier living alone. But it still felt a lot like I was being left out of a really funny inside joke. I wanted to know, but "you had to BE there, man!!", and I wasn't there, if that makes any sense. It was nice to know there were other people like me and that I wasn't defective or anything, but for a while I felt very lonely and "exposed and cold", like you said, and it still occasionally comes back to bite me even though I'm more used to the idea now.

[Nick.p]

I get your loss. I'm of similar age, recently gone through a dawning of the truth of me. I'm ended up single. I felt doomed to be alone, I feel unviable as a partner. However friendships have taken on a whole new significance, I'm so so so much closer to a handful of people. I still have that nugget of loss but life is so much richer, simpler, I'm comfortable with myself. 

 

Good luck.