Hello! A person whose feelings of love exist solely for someone who can't exist and someone who can't form deep bonds with other people (TW: suicidal ideation)

[SlayerGG]

First of all I would like to thank people who have pointed me in the direction of aromanticism and asexuality. I didn't know about this when I was growing up and it brings me great joy to know you exist people.

Some background: I had loving parents, but my mother divorced when I was still 1 or 2 years old and she had to bring me up all by herself. She did and continues to do everything that she can just for me to feel loved and understood, and she tries to support me in every way she can. When I was 13, our family decided that I should live in the countryside with my grandfather for a while, probably because it was getting tough for my mother. My grandfather was kind and spoiled me when he could, but of course I've tried to help me with the stuff that you usually do at the countryside. Even though he was lenient on me, he might've become a father figure of sorts for me. I've continued to live with him up until I've graduated from high school, visiting my mother at the holidays. All in all, I think that I have a nice family and I'm grateful to them now.

Maybe this has all began since when I was a child, either still in kindergarten or in 1st grade of elementary school. I vividly remember a dream I had one day - there was only a little girl with face that I couldn't quite make out. Nothing else. When I woke up, I was truly shaken and sad that she isn't real. I remember being woken up to get ready to go out, going to the bathroom, looking in the mirror and breaking out in tears. Of course I didn't even understand love or other complex emotions back then, so I was completely bewildered at what has happened to me and why did I feel these emotions. That was the first time that I've felt something like this.

Fast forward to when I was around 13-14 years old. I had my best friends from my first school (still have them), just normal friends that I had in countryside as well as some good acquaintances from the new school. There were a lot of delinquents but I could more or less coexist with them and sometimes even discuss something while we were in school, even though I consider myself to be an introvert. I think I didn't really have problems with communicating, except a normal healthy dose of anxiousness that probably all teens have. At this time, I began to notice how my fellow peers were beginning to be obsessed with relationships and dating, yet the things that they've worried about and their relationships itself felt so shallow to me that I was thinking that I could never understand them. I had some interest in opposite sex, but didn't give those thoughts any special attention. But one day I encountered one fictional work of romance that moved me deeply, especially because of one female character. That's when I slowly began to understand my love and in the future my problem. I began to look for all the works that had a character with a similar personality archetype and specific traits. Every time I saw them my heart would flutter and I would be lost in pure, romantic thoughts and feelings. It felt like true bliss, even though they weren't real. That didn't matter to me. Eventually, I began to practice meditation and visualisation techniques intensely. I also began to dream of the characters (or girls based on these characters) often, and writing down those dreams. During my meditation and visualisation sessions I would try to dive into my so-called "dream world" and try to visualise the girl in details, as well as visualise all the emotions and personality that she should have. I got so invested in doing this and meditation that I could just put my head down on the table, close my eyes and almost immediatly clear my head from thoughts. As a result of meditation my mindset changed forever. My head became much clearer and serene even after I've stopped doing this eventually. It felt really amazing and liberating to stop the constant flow of dozens of thoughts constantly, and even though I've lost my ability to mediate so deeply now my mindset is still the same.

When I was 15, these feelings and thoughts became extreme. I experienced emotional breakdowns often because of me understanding that I could never be with her.

(TW: suicidal ideation)

Spoiler

It was at this point that I was contemplating suicide because I believed that we could be together after I have passed from this life.

This didn't affect my everyday life, in fact the only thing that I've heard from my parents and friends was their surprise at my disinterest in dating and similar. Nobody knew about my state. I've continued to meditate and thankfuly I've reached some sort of enlightment and broke from this self-destructive circle. The conclusion that I've reached was more or less along these lines: "I will be with her eventually, so might as well just continue to live and see what this life has to offer and where it will take me. My love will never go away as it is my core, my reason for existing. So I will just continue living while enjoying the feeling of pure love that I have and make it my strength."

After that my life became more or less normal. I graduated from school, enrolled into university, got my degree. I was growing up as a person, learning about how life works. I never had any problems in communication with others and can mingle with others without problems. I have hobbies, goals in life, dreams things that I enjoy doing or creating. I take care of myself, I like to dress stylish the way I like. People (guys and girls both) comliment me and call me a dandy or a gentleman to my amusement lol. Girls showed interest in me, but I've never pursued them. One of my friends even told me "Dude, that girl is all over you, I've heard her talking. Why are you not doing anything?". I feel that if I wanted to I could be in a relationship. But I don't want to. I only exist for my one and only fictional love and this love is pure and ideal, we both didn't and won't have anyone before us either in romantic or intimate sense and we can only exist for eachother bound by fate. This is the only love that I can imagine. But I can't connect with anyone deeply at all. Even with my best friends. I feel that I never had a person that could understand me and with whom I could share my feelings and inner thoughts.

I'm not even sure if I'm depressed right now or I just want to let this out. Maybe it's just seasonal, somethimes this happens to me. I feel a bit lonely and try to connect with strangers online, but that usually doesn't end well with either them or me drifting apart quickly. I've tried to route my experiences and emotions into a creative outlet by making a visual novel because they affect me emotionally the most. However, because my writing is horrible my team, my friends and people who have read it think that the story is bad. I myself think that I couldn't quite express everything I wanted to, so I doubt if I'll ever come back to make another VN after recieving all the criticism and I'm not sure if I should try to express myself again.

It's winter right now, everything is white and depressing and I can't go out much because of the cold. Maybe that's what bringing my mood down now, as well as some stressful things in life. But I beileve that all problems are solvable and everything passes as long as you accept yourself.

Thank you for reading this enormous wall of text. It feels good to share these feelings after almost a decade of holding them in.

Cis male, 22

[Destranix]

I did not read your whole post but just parts of it. So first: You are not the only one who felt inb love with fictional charactrers and feels romantic connection mainly to fictional characters.

I also felt in love with an fictionbal character and thought, that I could not fall in love with anyone else anymore and was sad, that it is quite unprobable to meet them and so on...

Then suddenly I met a girl online anf felt in love with her...

 

It may be similiar for you or it may not. Keep the love you have, but don't close up for love that might be.

Also don't forget to analyse and reflect yourself, maybe document your analysis if that helps you. If you are depressed and significantly distressed or impacted by this, you should visit a doctor.

 

 

[Monke Jimmy]

I've heard of ficto[romantic/sexual] before but the way you said your story, only being able to be in love through fantasy and therefore meditating on it, all the while you're distressed about it, sounds almost like a Lovecraft story (namely, the story I got stuck on where a guy invents his own dream world and sleeps all day to be in it). I'm glad that you've been able to get through college, etc. alright. 

[awadama]

Hi and welcome!

[LeChat]

Hello. Welcome! 

 

Thanks, for sharing your journey.

 

[a pic of three chocolate cupcakes, each topped with white frosting, melted chocolate, and a toasted, square marshmallow.]

 

[SlayerGG]

On 1/31/2023 at 1:23 PM, Destranix said:

I did not read your whole post but just parts of it. So first: You are not the only one who felt inb love with fictional charactrers and feels romantic connection mainly to fictional characters.

I also felt in love with an fictionbal character and thought, that I could not fall in love with anyone else anymore and was sad, that it is quite unprobable to meet them and so on...

Then suddenly I met a girl online anf felt in love with her...

 

It may be similiar for you or it may not. Keep the love you have, but don't close up for love that might be.

Also don't forget to analyse and reflect yourself, maybe document your analysis if that helps you. If you are depressed and significantly distressed or impacted by this, you should visit a doctor.

 

 

Thank you.

I do believe that her personality and background traits are too unrealistic and contradicting for her to exist in real life, but I might be wrong.