Advice please, a friend said they like me

[Act_Ace]

Please can I have some advice. A guy I've agreed to live with next year with three other people  (we've signed for a house) has told me they like me. I don't know what to do about this or how to respond they knew I was ace and I've now told them I'm gay ((grey) homoromantic) and told them I wouldn't date them. I found it upsetting that they like me and kind of just want to pretend they didn't say anything but I've asked an allo person for advice and they think it's sweet they confessed how they feel and I need to give a gentle response.

 

Possibly separately I've quickly tried to figure out what I can change to stop this happening again, getting visible pride badges, and I've been trying to sort out skincare and my hair and buy clothes I think I look nice in and now I just want to do the opposite to try and make sure people don't find me attractive. I think this is a knee jerk reaction and probably a bad idea.

Sorry if there's grammar and spelling mistakes I wrote this in a hurry, also I'm not used to forums so I may not be quick to respond.

thank you for advice in advance :)

[AABattery]

This is so relatable. A few years ago, I had a situation where I was talking politely with a guy and he asked me out which completely befuzzled me because I thought we were just having a friendly chat and I hadn't known him long. I politely turned him down, but once I got home I got very upset and started crying (dramatic af, I know) and asked my Mum how I could stop people from being attracted to me because I don't want to date anyone ever. I was 20 at the time and this was the second time a guy had expressed interest in me and didn't want it to happen again.

 

My Mum told me, "You can't stop people from liking you."

 

This isn't exactly profound, but it snapped me out of it a little. We can't control other people's feelings. And it is upsetting to reject someone, especially someone whose a friend, but that's something we all go through as human beings, no matter our sexuality. It takes a lot of courage to be honest with our feelings. Reject them nicely.

 

It's okay to be upset. You don't have to change your appearance and, honestly, it won't help. Continue to dress the way that makes you happy. Sit with this feeling, accept it, and work through it. It's okay. You'll get past it, I promise. Don't change yourself because you're scared. That'll only make you feel worse.

 

Good luck. Best wishes x

[Ceebs]

You've already said no, you won't date them. Do you need to say more? You don't actually owe them any explanation at all, but you've already told them you're ace and gay, so they've got a very good explanation. Are they not accepting of your response? Are they continuing to pressure you? Do you feel uncomfortable with the plans for your living arrangement? If so, you might need to revisit those plans if possible. Otherwise there's simply nothing more to say. You can't change how they feel and they can't change whether you want to date them.

[Philip027]

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Possibly separately I've quickly tried to figure out what I can change to stop this happening again, getting visible pride badges, and I've been trying to sort out skincare and my hair and buy clothes I think I look nice in and now I just want to do the opposite to try and make sure people don't find me attractive. I think this is a knee jerk reaction and probably a bad idea.

Yeah, basically it is.  Some people would consider that as playing hard to get, and some of those people actually find that sort of thing attractive (like a challenge).

 

You will never be able to outright prevent this sort of thing from happening; as stated you cannot just make people not feel things.  You'll fare a lot better by simply realizing that it isn't the end of the world (or a potential friendship) if you have to decline someone's advances.  Beyond making it clear that you are not "available" to them in that way, there isn't really anything else you need to, or can, do.

[Guest]

Hi there,

In some languages there's a saying it is legit to ask and courteous to respond.

From what you write the fact that you were asked makes you feel awkward and you'd like to avoid someone or the same person asking again.

I can relate to that feeling when I was asked for something I didn't want to or couldn't do. There was a flare up but then well I shrugged my shoulders and unless I was being taken for a ride it stopped there.

After all we're humans and we live in communities. The more we can communicate with clarity and honesty the better it is for all.

With age I've also grown thick skinned and the awkwardness has disappeared.

Unless this person is doing you harm I think you need to be true to yourself without cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Mayyy]

I feel like this has been pretty well addressed already, but someone else's feelings are sort of their own business! It's what they do with them that you can respond to. So I'd echo the sentiment that unless your new housemate is disrespecting of your sexuality, you can say your piece and have the expectancy that they'll understand and listen to your response.

 

I also want to say that I know this is a best case scenario where everyone is super accepting of your identity, but that doesn't always match with reality. Navigating it can be super tricky. It sounds like your housemate knew you were out, so hopefully they respect your decision and you can move on together since you'll be cohabitating. It's not quite the same situation, but I have had a very close friend confess to me who I continue to be super close to, and he was incredibly respective of my identity. For him, confessing was a way of being honest with me, so that we could keep being friends. He's been nothing but accepting, so it was easy for me to have that information, but I realize it's harder when you aren't sure of the other person.

 

As for the personal appearance thing, I super get where you're coming from, but I'd offer that you wait on the feeling before making any drastic changes. You are absolutely allowed to look how you want and be as vocal or not about your identity, and it should get to be a choice you make, not one you're pressured to by other people. Folks may confess to you from time to time, because we're people with big feelings and doing our best to handle those, but hopefully the conversation gets easier over time.

 

I hope it's been going okay since you've posted!