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Uncertain relationship conversations


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musicgurl2012

I'm not sure how to ask what I want to ask, so give me a minute while I explain my thought process to hopefully help anyone who wants to answer context.

 

I was in a relationship when I discovered the possibility of me being on the ace spectrum. It was the catalyst to end what was already a toxic relationship that needed to end because I knew the ex would not understand or respect any boundaries I wanted to put in place. When I decided to reenter the online dating pool, I made sure to list my sexuality as ace, hoping it would immediately weed out anybody who would not understand or accept. I was expecting the process to take a long time and/or to still have somewhat allonormative dating expectations, and I was fine to accept either as long as the potential partner was willing to learn and grow.

 

Well, long story short, I connected with somebody who is absolutely the best case scenario for an all/ace relationship. He is absolutely respectful of not putting me in any situation where I might be uncomfortable, although I think there are some misconceptions I need to dispel when we have a conversation about what being a member of the ace community means for our relationship.

 

My problem is this: I know we need to have this conversation soon, but I have no idea how to even approach this. I have had exactly two relationships in my life, both of which I operated under the assumption I was allonormative. I know if I don't have any kind of emotional connection to somebody, I am sex repulsed when it comes to my body. I don't know, when there is a connection forming, if I am sex neutral or sex positive. I don't know how to approach this with relationship to help him understand when I don't entirely understand myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

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1 hour ago, musicgurl2012 said:

I don't know, when there is a connection forming, if I am sex neutral or sex positive.

Maybe tell him that you are asexual, but also tell him this.

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banana monkey

Hmm, kind of been in the same boat. I navigated my first relationship not really knowing what the attraction was. I decided to navigate it by telling the other person what I did know and I also learnt that you can tell them what you dont know (in fact it is important to do so) so something along the lines of, I feel x for you, and I know that me being asexual means y for our relationship. However, I dont know if it means z, im trying to work that out. I would like to ...... and see if I can do so. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
musicgurl2012
On 1/27/2023 at 10:22 PM, alto said:

Maybe tell him that you are asexual, but also tell him this.

He knows I'm ace-spec, I've been very open about that from the beginning. I guess my biggest problem is its my first relationship where I am aware of my sexuality and I want to be open about it, but my last two relationships really damaged me on being authentically myself around romantic partners. I also don't know how much he actually knows about the ace-spec community, and I really don't feel like I'm qualified to give him the breakdown on anything more than my experience within the spectrum.

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