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Demisexual Sex(ual activities)


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tl;dr: anyone else feel strange and confused when experiencing sexual attraction/performing sexual acts with a partner for the first time? any advice on how to adjust?

 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now. I knew I was demisexual going in, and told him on our second date since I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle casual sex and figured he shouldn’t have to harbor any ideas about that from the get-go. As we got closer, I had a sneaking suspicion he was on the ace spectrum too, and he eventually told me he also identified with the demi experience. This is pretty much the first everything for both of us — first long-term relationship, first love, first kiss, the whole shebang.

 

It means a lot to both of us to be with someone who understands exactly how the other feels and doesn’t judge the other for being slow to develop sensual or sexual feelings. He was incredibly sweet about and supportive of my nervousness around holding hands and hugging in the beginning before I realized I liked it with him, but recently we’ve both started experiencing sexual attraction for the first time and it can be a lot for both of us. I’d say it’s easier for me to accept than him — the first time he felt attracted to me, it took him an hour to calm down and process what had just happened — but we both feel a small amount of…guilt? shame? about thinking of each other in a sexual way, especially if it happens during masturbation. We both know we’re slow by allosexual standards and are comfortable in knowing what we want and that we’ll go our own pace, but I’ve been more ready to let him do sexual things to me than he is to let me reciprocate on him and he feels a little guilty that he’s slower than I am (and to be honest, I felt guilty too about not feeling comfortable reciprocating on him when he was comfortable with me…).

 

I’m also still a little confused about how I feel when we do sexual things. I like and am aroused when he touches me in sexual ways, and I like touching him too, but for me there’s no attraction in it the other way around — I just like that he likes it and trusts me enough to let me go there. We’ve both admitted to only ever wanting sex with each other while not feeling at all ready to go there, and while I really appreciate he understands and would wait as long as it took for me to be ready, I can’t quite get my head around my own feelings. Since this is the first time I’ve ever been attracted to someone this way, I’m just a little weirded out by knowing I want to go there with him but not for a long time, especially since our close allosexual friends assume we went there months ago.

 

I want to know the best way I can be there for him while he processes all these new feelings, and help him feel comfortable with whatever he is or isn’t ready for. Additionally, I wonder how other people in similar situations processed this — do you have any stories or advice for us going forward?

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