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Platonic vs Romantic Attraction?


Syzygyneonmoon

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Syzygyneonmoon

I have a friend. She is my closest friend. We see each other almost every day and do everything together. She makes me laugh a lot. She's very loyal and understanding. I feel safe and secure with her. I can truly be myself around her. She's kind and attentive. I can trust her with any secret and that trust is very rare for me. We're both introverted and understand each other's needs for alone time and personal boundaries. I have an amazing friendship with her. But gradually, some things have changed in my feelings for her. I've imagined living in a house with her and raising a kid together. I get jealous at the thought of her being in a relationship with someone else. We've also started being closer physically — cuddling, holding hands and hugging a lot. And she started touching my hand a lot when we cuddled and my heart raced a lot and my hands started sweating and I... responded... Buuuut I don't want to have a sexual relationship with her and I don't always want to cuddle and I don't want to kiss her. But then, my question is: is this kind of attraction platonic (strong friendship) or romantic? I guess my view on friendships and romance is highly influenced by culture and norms and there probably isn't any right answer. But if anyone has a similar experience, I'd love to hear your thoughts. ♡ 

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Hi @Syzygyneonmoon

 

I think it can go either way though I do have my own view on it as someone romantic. It's definitely possible to feel close to friends, including to hold hands and cuddle in a more platonic sense, even feel jealous and possessive for some even if not common for platonic feelings, but to me personally it sounds romantic. And while kissing is intimate, what you're sharing is already quite intimate and is how I share romantic feelings,  to me romance is about sharing an intimate bond, so if you feel a draw to that and then on top of that the rest of the feeings, how I feel on it myself is that it's either romantic or borders on that.  You might get different views from those that are aromantic, as some are able to have quite close friendships that border on romantic without necessarily feeling that it is.

Have you heard of queer platonic relationships? They're platonic or alterous relationships and some can be exclusive, if both people want that, and it doesn't have to be romantic, it can have whatever feels good to both (takes  alot of communication and understanding). Some who are aromantic choose this type of relationship so that they can find a good connection that isn't too romantic for them, and still consider it mainly platonic.
Other than a qpr, a platonic relationship doesn't usually have exclusitivity, and it's a good thing if a friend we really like gets a partner, if it's what makes them happy. If you don't want that, it can be a sign that you feel more for her than a friend would, but I guess the question is what the bond and intimate connection means. To me it would mean romance. Maybe to you it doesn't quite mean that. Or maybe it's evolving more. I don't know.

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Syzygyneonmoon
58 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi @Syzygyneonmoon

 

I think it can go either way though I do have my own view on it as someone romantic. It's definitely possible to feel close to friends, including to hold hands and cuddle in a more platonic sense, even feel jealous and possessive for some even if not common for platonic feelings, but to me personally it sounds romantic. And while kissing is intimate, what you're sharing is already quite intimate and is how I share romantic feelings,  to me romance is about sharing an intimate bond, so if you feel a draw to that and then on top of that the rest of the feeings, how I feel on it myself is that it's either romantic or borders on that.  You might get different views from those that are aromantic, as some are able to have quite close friendships that border on romantic without necessarily feeling that it is.

Have you heard of queer platonic relationships? They're platonic or alterous relationships and some can be exlusive, if both people want that, and it doesn't have to be romantic, it can have whatever feels good to both (takes  alot of communication and understanding). Some who are aromantic choose this type of relationship so that they can find a good connection that isn't too romantic for them, and still consider it mainly platonic.
Other than a qpr, a platonic relationship doesn't usually have exclusitivity, and it's a good thing if a friend we really like gets a partner, if it's what makes them happy. If you don't want that, it can be a sign that you feel more for her than a friend would, but I guess the question is what the bond and intimate connection means. To me it would mean romance. Maybe to you it doesn't quite mean that. Or maybe it's evolving more. I don't know.

Hey, @Sarah-Sylvia

 

Thank you! This helped a lot. I would be totally fine with having a QPR in the future and it's maybe what's best for me. And maybe I'll bring it up with my friend some time, or just see where things go. Or our friendship is evolving into something more romantic... I guess time will tell. Anyways, thank you for your response! It clarified a lot for me. 😊

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What I usually think is that if you have to ask, it's probably romantic. 

What you said sounds romantic? But every friendship/romantic relationship is different. 

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IDK it sounds like it checks of multiple romantic boxes.

 

For me, I don't know if my feelings are fully romantic or just alterous. But I don't feel jealous over their other relationships, and don't imagine being in a partnered relationship with the person. I just feel intense attraction that looks like a crush.

 

But i wouldn't assume that no one aromantic feels those two things for a squish - it's possible.

 

If it isn't clear to you whether your attraction is fully romantic or not - there is a chance it's alterous feelings, which are an emotional attraction that isn't fully romantic and isn't fully platonic. It could be a combination of the two, or somewhere in between them, or it could be something else entirely. 

 

 

it also could be that you're greyromantic, if you feel these things but not other typical romantic feelings. 

 

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I had a similar situation happen recently where I met someone on a group trip. We got along really great and as the trip went on things got confusing. We were flirting with each other, holding hands, sharing secrets, etc. Eventually it got to a point where I had to be like "hey what's going on here." We talked about it and she asked what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure if it was platonic or romantic. I knew it felt different than it did with my other friends but I still wasn't sure. Then she said "I'm fine with being friends if that's what you want." As soon as she said that I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It's hard to know sometimes when something is platonic or romantic. I didn't realize until I started thinking about her in just a friends way. That's when I realized that wasn't what I wanted.

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Syzygyneonmoon
On 1/27/2023 at 9:47 PM, _River_ said:

 

If it isn't clear to you whether your attraction is fully romantic or not - there is a chance it's alterous feelings, which are an emotional attraction that isn't fully romantic and isn't fully platonic. It could be a combination of the two, or somewhere in between them, or it could be something else entirely. 

Cool! I haven't heard about this before. It explains a lot of what's usually going on in my head with close friends. 

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Syzygyneonmoon
On 1/28/2023 at 7:05 AM, samp said:

I had a similar situation happen recently where I met someone on a group trip. We got along really great and as the trip went on things got confusing. We were flirting with each other, holding hands, sharing secrets, etc. Eventually it got to a point where I had to be like "hey what's going on here." We talked about it and she asked what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure if it was platonic or romantic. I knew it felt different than it did with my other friends but I still wasn't sure. Then she said "I'm fine with being friends if that's what you want." As soon as she said that I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It's hard to know sometimes when something is platonic or romantic. I didn't realize until I started thinking about her in just a friends way. That's when I realized that wasn't what I wanted.

Yeah, I've been doing that questioning back and forth a bit and even talked to her about what I feel. I'm fine with being her friend but I don't think I want to label our relationship as something romantic just yet. I told her about a qpr and she said she would totally be up for that. But we're going on different exchange programs next year so we'll see what happens in the future. 

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