Trying to sort out my asexuality/libido/kink

[Borjax]

Hello! It's a bit hard to sum this up quickly, so bear with me.

 

I've identified as demisexual for a long time. I had a strong libido, and enjoyed a lot of the activities that surround sex like making out, sensual touches, etc. Kinks are also something that I enjoy in fantasies and alone time, but didnt have much interest in them except to fulfill partners' wants. Sex itself was always more for making partners feel good as well. And it's only been in the last few months I've realized that I really don't get anything out of sex itself and have just been doing it because that was what I was supposed to do. So I've started identifying as ace.

 

The reason I'm here making this thread is that I've started a new relationship, and have discovered that I really enjoy getting choked and submitting in that way, and it activates my libido, but I still don't want sex. And trying to explain this to my partner was difficult and they don't fully understand. Are there other ace folk who's libido gets going from kink, but still don't want sex? How do you explain that to partners?

[Cahofiden]

Hello Boriax. I think we should clarify what is it that you understand by sex. Sex does not equal penetration. Sexual activity is broad and it’s not less legitimate if it lacks penetration or oral. Tell them you do want sex, but not some of the activities that stereotypically involve it. 

[uhtred]

Sexuality covers a very wide range of activities and interests, and all are OK as long as they are consensual and don't cause serious harm. 

 

A caution though - choking / breath play can be dangerous so please read up on how to do it safely and be sure your partners know as well.  Various forms of risky plat are fine - but its critical to understand how do do them safely.