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So Tired of Ace Erasure


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I am a Hetero-Demiromantic Sex-Repulsed Aegosexual.

I feel romantic attraction towards men, usually after a few years of trust building and friendship.  And though I'm fascinated by the concept of sex, I am extremely turned off of getting personally involved in it.

It really feels good to be able to say all this definitively.  But that's partly because I feel this is a safe space to do it.  Honestly, I feel I could've said all this years ago . . . if it weren't for Ace Erasure.

Except for one person, EVERYONE I have ever told I was Asexual has given me push back.

"You just haven't found the right person yet"  "I've seen the way you look at guys.  You can't be asexual"  "It's just because of your ASD"  "You're just really repressed"

Those are just some of the many things I've heard, over and over and over and over!

And me, being the accommodating and insecure person I am, got into a habit of just kind of nodding and going "Yeah, maybe"  When in my HEART, I know that NONE of that was true!

NO ONE seems to RESPECT my identity!  

I am SO worn down from having to constantly either defend my identity, or just roll over and let them win a little.  It's been exhausting.  I'm so tired.  Is there anybody out there with words of comfort and wisdom for me?

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IDK if I can provide any real comfort or wisdom. For me I am able to avoid most of those uncomfortably interactions, by just... not telling people IRL that I'm ace lol. But I'm ASD as well and can be very accommodating and insecure, same as you. I don't like coming out IRL because getting a wrong response can send me down a spiral of self doubt and questioning. I mask a lot from my autism, so I am constantly questioning and looking to my peers for the "right" way to act and that includes what sexuality are accepted. Masking is really hard to shake and it ties a lot into my internalized aphobia as well.

 

It's been helpful for me at least to come post on AVEN when I'm feeling really down and insecure, to see they're a lot of people like me and go through the same doubt as well. It's easier to avoid people who make you feel bad online as well, thanks to the handy-dandy block button! I wish there was a way to make the people who push back against asexual understand how hurtful their words are, but if they won't hear you out the first time, they probably aren't really worth your time anyways. Remember the friends and people who accept you are people you can you can truly trust!

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For some reason asexuality is not widely recognized yet - to the point where some professional therapists don't believe it exists. Until I found this site some years ago, I had no idea it existed.  So I think its ore a case that somehow the information just isn't out there for people to learn about it - but I don't know how to change that.

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verily-forsooth-egads
2 hours ago, ClonedRose said:

I am SO worn down from having to constantly either defend my identity, or just roll over and let them win a little.

There's a third option. Look at them like they're stupid until they take it back /hj

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I've found that it helps to ask someone if they know what asexuality means, listen to their interpretation, and then provide more information if needed. Once that's clear, then I say that I'm asexual. This isn't a foolproof plan, but I think it improves the situation because most people don't understand what asexuality is.

 

But yes, I've definitely experienced pushback, too :(

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Ugh, yeah, it's tiring to feel erased, and it's exhausting to even think about all the ways people will react or how they'll theorize about why we are the way we are. 

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7 hours ago, ClonedRose said:

Is there anybody out there with words of comfort and wisdom for me?

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but if it helps to know you're not alone in experiencing this, perhaps that can provide a bit of comfort.  I'd also second what @bloominoko posted; I generally just don't share much about myself irl - at least things I think folks wouldn't understand or believe or support. It's all well & good to say other people's opinions don't matter, but in reality their responses can still have an impact (positive or negative) on us, especially coming from folks we care about. Having a safe space is definitely key - whether that space is online, irl, or even in a journal or something that you don't need to share with anyone.

It sounds like you know yourself well; just remind yourself of that if ever/whenever folks doubt you or refuse to acknowledge or respect your identity. As much as you may want their approval/validation, you know who you are; you are valid, and you are enough. 

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Non-ace here but wanted to comment on the 'it's just because of your ASD' thing specifically...

 

First off, obviously loads of autistic people are sexual. The majority. But also... so what if ASD does influence a person's sexuality somehow?? I've seen some people on here who have said they believe their autism and asexuality are connected. Neurodiversity can impact many aspects of who we are and if sexuality happened to be one of those things for some people on the spectrum, why would it matter? How would it make it any less... 'real' or whatever? (There are actual proper studies that have shown that ND people are more likely to be something other than heterosexual. Not sure if asexuality was included or if it was more focussed on people who are gay and bi, but still worth noting.) Anyway. With asexuality specifically... sure, if an autistic person is sexual and struggling socially because of that in ways that makes it difficult for them to find a partner, then that's frustrating and can be really difficult to navigate. But if their autism is at least part of the reason they simply don't have sexual desires for other people and they're happy being that way, so fucking what?

 

/soapbox

 

I'm just tired of people blaming certain things on neurodiversity that may not even be a problem for the person experiencing them. If someone is struggling with various aspects of life or develops something like depression or anxiety or an addiction as a result of ASD or any other flavour of neurodiversity that went unrecognised and unsupported, then sure, there are likely changes that could be made, with the proper help, that would allow them to struggle less and be happier and more fulfilled. But not everything about being ND is a bloody problem. 
 

Ok, actually getting off the soapbox now lol. 😅

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@Ceebs Thank you for making my autistic traits feel validated. By the way, I had no idea that "autistic" is what they meant when I first came across the phrase "on the spectrum". I thought it meant "gay", because, you know, rainbows show the visible light spectrum.

 

Anyway, regarding the thread and its poster, your orientation doesn't care what other people think. If you're ace, you're ace. If you're not, you're not. Maybe those people who don't believe you can be educated. If not, keep your chin up. Who are they to tell you what you're not attracted to?

 

If they don't believe you then, try to find some other stuff to talk about. If they can't have real conversations with you because they're too preoccupied with your aceness, they may not be worth your time.

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CincinnatiAsexual

@ClonedRoseI'm sorry that you're often confronted with disbelief and resistance. I believe that only certain people have the right to know my orientation. I agree that more people knowing about asexuality would allow for more exposure, but it really is no one else's business unless you feel comfortable telling them.

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9 hours ago, Duke Memphis said:

@Ceebs Thank you for making my autistic traits feel validated.

You're welcome. :) 
 

I get really tired of all the assumptions people make about being neurodivergent. Stuff like if someone's autism influences their (a)sexuality, it's not 'real' or something problematic to be fixed. Also stuff that I've seen that's almost the opposite, like expectations that autistic people are kind of asexual-ish by default... immature, naive, unable to have sexual relationships, 'innocent'. There's someone I've followed on social media for a handful of years now who's posted about that type of thing. Not just in the realm of sexuality, but things like addiction as well. They've been open about their struggles with addiction and with having a healthy connection to their sexuality (for lack of a better term, I'll use a phrase I despise -- their 'promiscuity') and how frustrating it is when others almost idealise autistics as people who can't fuck shit up and have a rough time simply because they're so 'pure' by nature.

 

It's all bullshit. Just let people be complex individuals. Don't make things that aren't a problem into a problem and also don't make anyone out to be some sort of infantilised saint.

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13 hours ago, Ceebs said:

how frustrating it is when others almost idealise autistics as people who can't fuck shit up and have a rough time simply because they're so 'pure' by nature.

Yeah, countless people over the years have told me how wonderful my daughter is because she's autistic and therefore an innocent, pure soul.  They seem to need to see her that way.  I love my daughter and respect her endeavor to do whatever she can to overcome the difficulties she faces, but she had multiple infatuations with girls/women in her life and would have been sexually active if she'd had the chance, and she can be a manipulative git sometimes.  

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