Asexual Romance Stories

[ClonedRose]

I'm a Hetero-Demiromantic Sex-Repulsed Aegosexual.  Needless to say, this has made my love life complicated.

I'm also a writer who's attempting to write her ideal Asexual Love Story.  When I first started this project, I thought it would be as simple as just writing a traditional romcom, minus the tongue kissing and sex.  But I found out that it's much, much more complicated than that.  I learned that it would be better to ditch the traditional formula altogether and just try to reason it out as best I can what the ideal love story would look like to me.  And I'm finding the process to be almost as hard as the real-life process of even finding someone.  Without the traditional formula and stock tropes to fall back on, I'm essentially starting from scratch.

So I thought I'd turn to the AVEN forums to do a little research.

I was hoping my fellow Aces would be willing to share some of their romance success stories, and how they developed.  I'm especially interested to see if there are any Sex-Repulsed Aces who have managed to be in a successful romantic relationship.

The basic premise of my story is that the main characters have been friends for a few years now and have developed romantic feelings for each other, so they're slowing transitioning from friends to romantic partners.

What are some relationship milestones I could incorporate?  What are some conflicts you ran into?  How did Ace Erasure affect your journey?  I am eager to hear what everyone has to say!

[Guest]

I'm going to ask you a really stupid question? When you say writing an asexual love story, do you mean a love story between two heterosexuals, transgender, queer, other. I.e. are you focusing on the average sexual relationship between adults?

The reason I ask is, I think it's absolutely possible for asexuals to fall in love and you can find the success stories in this forum labelled the success story thread. But what I've found very interesting is how many asexuals actually try or trained to conform by starting relationships with sexually incompatibile partners to then realize it was a big mistake because actually they are not interested in sex.

On the other hand the stories I've read of asexuals who are well aware of their orientation or are impervious to society's expectations and have chosen singledom seem far more content or at least at peace with themselves.

The point I'm making is are we only fulfilled as a couple, a triad, an amorous group or can we find fulfillment outside of these confined spaces? And if so isn't it perhaps more fulfilling for an asexual to explore these spaces than  than to mimic what society deems acceptable?

Fyi I'm thinking out loud so please see this as an amicable exchange of ideas.

[Thujaplicata]

I would like to see more representation of happy single people. I would also like to see sappy asexual romances. So I think it's really cool that you're writing this!

 

I can give you a summary of how I fell into a relationship with my girlfriend, and I'm happy to answer questions if you'd like to chat by private message or something. 

My girlfriend and I met in middle school and became friends in highschool. We went to the same college as well, and were roommates all three years we were on campus (we both studied abroad.) She's not ace. I am demiromantic to the point where I'm still confused on what a crush is and I've only ever had romantic feelings once, with her. 

 

Gack, I'm too sleepy and distracted to write this up properly right now. 

 

Okay. I told her I was probably ace, she assumed aroace and did her best to fight her feelings platonic for the next...five years. Honestly, we probably wandered into an informal queerplatonic relationship a year or two in. We cuddled, cause we were both touch starved and lonely, and we definitely were each other's emotional support. We remained roommates even when we could have had singles, because we preferred to share space. 

Along the way I lived in some bizarre cognitive dissonance. I was almost aware I liked her, but I thought being ace was a deal breaker since she's allo and I'd been told to "wait and see, maybe you're a late bloomer" so I was waiting to not be ace anymore. 

Eventually we graduated, were living half a country apart, and I realized that my asexuality wasn't going to change. Did a lot more agonizing trying to understand what the hell romantic feelings are and eventually sent a confession later saying basically that I loved her and wanted to share her space and I was reasonably sure it was romantic. She told me to research QPRs so I'd know my options and then when I said romance please, asked if she could call me her girlfriend. I was so ludicrously happy it was funny. 

Oh, she said that while she desired sex, the emotional part was more important to her and I trusted her word on that. As time has gone on I've been less completely repulsed by everything vaguely sexual than I was before, but I'm still sex averse and she's been extremely respectful at all times. I definitely have limits as to what I'm comfortable with. 

We were long distance for a year and a bit and I moved in with her last October once I got a job in her area. We'll have been dating for two years this April, though it feels like longer. 

 

As for more useful things for your writing...I really struggled with figuring out what romantic feelings are. And I had to ask myself what I wanted - to be neighbors? To share a house? To share a room? A bed?

As for relationship milestones, everything has been almost alarmingly easy. We're a bit more shameless about cuddling, but we did that before. I tell her pretty much everything and she talks to me about so many things. We did have to figure out food and chores - she mostly cooks dinner and I do the dishes and make giant batches of soup and such for my lunches. (She's picky and I eat a ton.) 

Occasionally we've both been happy to try out some of those stereotypical romantic things - she's taken me out for dinner and I've brought her flowers, we've gifted each other chocolate, I've written her a little bit of poetry. We've added kisses and those were honestly been a little awkward at first, but we've mostly figured that out. 

And with covid and both of us being homebodies, we're usually happier to hang out on the couch than to go places. 

So it sometimes feels like not that much has changed. 

Then at other moments I get a little thrill from tiny little things. Like putting her as my emergency contact on my phone's lock screen. 

And I feel nervous sometimes about living up to her family's expectations. They've been so supportive and accepting and I don't want to disappoint. 

 

Hmm, slow transitioning from friends to more...my girlfriend and I spent a lot of time together, as friends. And that time varied. Sometimes we talked for hours, sometimes we just shared silence, sometimes we worked on separate projects (homework.) We did get more and more into the habit of updating each other on every little thing. Well, I did at least (I'm a rambler.)

I fussed over her eating enough and staying warm and she teased me by sending pictures of her bare feet in the snow and laughing at my exasperated concern. 

Eh, that's enough for now. 

Good luck!

[ClonedRose]

On 1/26/2023 at 3:47 PM, Astutusdomina said:

I'm going to ask you a really stupid question? When you say writing an asexual love story, do you mean a love story between two heterosexuals, transgender, queer, other. I.e. are you focusing on the average sexual relationship between adults?

The reason I ask is, I think it's absolutely possible for asexuals to fall in love and you can find the success stories in this forum labelled the success story thread. But what I've found very interesting is how many asexuals actually try or trained to conform by starting relationships with sexually incompatibile partners to then realize it was a big mistake because actually they are not interested in sex.

On the other hand the stories I've read of asexuals who are well aware of their orientation or are impervious to society's expectations and have chosen singledom seem far more content or at least at peace with themselves.

The point I'm making is are we only fulfilled as a couple, a triad, an amorous group or can we find fulfillment outside of these confined spaces? And if so isn't it perhaps more fulfilling for an asexual to explore these spaces than  than to mimic what society deems acceptable?

Fyi I'm thinking out loud so please see this as an amicable exchange of ideas.

Sorry for the late reply

Allow me to clarify.  I want to write a love story between two Asexual people.  

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I'm trying to write out what my ideal romance would look like.  Although, maybe I shouldn't be so embarrassed, since the romance genre is BUILT on people's fantasies

I have in fact considered who have happily chosen the single life.  In fact, that's a story subject I plan to tackle in the future

I'm also planning on writing about a happy poly relationship, and a platonic partnership.

In general, I have decided to challenge myself to try and write a story dedicated to all the different ways an Ace can find fulfillment.  A challenging task, but one I'm excited for.

But this story in particular, I want to focus on Ace Girl meets Ace Boy, and how they fall in love while dealing with the societal expectation that Love = Sex

[avocato]

On 1/28/2023 at 7:54 PM, Thujaplicata said:

I would like to see more representation of happy single people. I would also like to see sappy asexual romances. So I think it's really cool that you're writing this!

 

I can give you a summary of how I fell into a relationship with my girlfriend, and I'm happy to answer questions if you'd like to chat by private message or something. 

My girlfriend and I met in middle school and became friends in highschool. We went to the same college as well, and were roommates all three years we were on campus (we both studied abroad.) She's not ace. I am demiromantic to the point where I'm still confused on what a crush is and I've only ever had romantic feelings once, with her. 

 

Gack, I'm too sleepy and distracted to write this up properly right now. 

 

Okay. I told her I was probably ace, she assumed aroace and did her best to fight her feelings platonic for the next...five years. Honestly, we probably wandered into an informal queerplatonic relationship a year or two in. We cuddled, cause we were both touch starved and lonely, and we definitely were each other's emotional support. We remained roommates even when we could have had singles, because we preferred to share space. 

Along the way I lived in some bizarre cognitive dissonance. I was almost aware I liked her, but I thought being ace was a deal breaker since she's allo and I'd been told to "wait and see, maybe you're a late bloomer" so I was waiting to not be ace anymore. 

Eventually we graduated, were living half a country apart, and I realized that my asexuality wasn't going to change. Did a lot more agonizing trying to understand what the hell romantic feelings are and eventually sent a confession later saying basically that I loved her and wanted to share her space and I was reasonably sure it was romantic. She told me to research QPRs so I'd know my options and then when I said romance please, asked if she could call me her girlfriend. I was so ludicrously happy it was funny. 

Oh, she said that while she desired sex, the emotional part was more important to her and I trusted her word on that. As time has gone on I've been less completely repulsed by everything vaguely sexual than I was before, but I'm still sex averse and she's been extremely respectful at all times. I definitely have limits as to what I'm comfortable with. 

We were long distance for a year and a bit and I moved in with her last October once I got a job in her area. We'll have been dating for two years this April, though it feels like longer. 

 

As for more useful things for your writing...I really struggled with figuring out what romantic feelings are. And I had to ask myself what I wanted - to be neighbors? To share a house? To share a room? A bed?

As for relationship milestones, everything has been almost alarmingly easy. We're a bit more shameless about cuddling, but we did that before. I tell her pretty much everything and she talks to me about so many things. We did have to figure out food and chores - she mostly cooks dinner and I do the dishes and make giant batches of soup and such for my lunches. (She's picky and I eat a ton.) 

Occasionally we've both been happy to try out some of those stereotypical romantic things - she's taken me out for dinner and I've brought her flowers, we've gifted each other chocolate, I've written her a little bit of poetry. We've added kisses and those were honestly been a little awkward at first, but we've mostly figured that out. 

And with covid and both of us being homebodies, we're usually happier to hang out on the couch than to go places. 

So it sometimes feels like not that much has changed. 

Then at other moments I get a little thrill from tiny little things. Like putting her as my emergency contact on my phone's lock screen. 

And I feel nervous sometimes about living up to her family's expectations. They've been so supportive and accepting and I don't want to disappoint. 

 

Hmm, slow transitioning from friends to more...my girlfriend and I spent a lot of time together, as friends. And that time varied. Sometimes we talked for hours, sometimes we just shared silence, sometimes we worked on separate projects (homework.) We did get more and more into the habit of updating each other on every little thing. Well, I did at least (I'm a rambler.)

I fussed over her eating enough and staying warm and she teased me by sending pictures of her bare feet in the snow and laughing at my exasperated concern. 

Eh, that's enough for now. 

Good luck!

Just saying I love the story of how you and your gf got together; this would be my ideal life, to be honest.  

[Geekykitty]

On 1/31/2023 at 10:49 AM, ClonedRose said:

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I'm trying to write out what my ideal romance would look like

 

On 1/31/2023 at 10:49 AM, ClonedRose said:

But this story in particular, I want to focus on Ace Girl meets Ace Boy, and how they fall in love while dealing with the societal expectation that Love = Sex

Haven't had a romance succes so nothing to share sorry. But I do read alot. I think its a great idea to write about asexual characters, we need more stories like that. I don't know though about writing an "ideal romance" as you say. Personally I prefer stories that are a bit more realistic, reflect the real struggles of life rather then an unrealistic fairytale romance where 2 people just meet and fall madly in love - like its that simple 😫. Maybe delve more into the characters questioning how do they know if they feel love, confusions around sexual attraction, feeling like you don't fit in.... Yes you can still have a happy ending, but it would make it more intersting to show the struggles as well. I can't speak for everyone but I feel alot of asexuals probably do struggle alot in the romance/dating world and with trying to figure out what it is we actually feel and what we want. 

 

On 1/27/2023 at 3:14 AM, ClonedRose said:

I learned that it would be better to ditch the traditional formula altogether and just try to reason it out as best I can

Yes don't follow a formula. Make your story different!