How to not feel guilty for not being super into sex?

[Meli96]

Hello! First time poster so please let me know if there is something on this topic already somewhere….

 

I have been in a relationship for three and a half years. My partner is very into sex and I am not so much. He has never pressured me but I can tell he is sad when I am not feeling it. He has voiced that he wishes I’d initiate it more but I honestly don’t think about it often and feel bad/feel like I should. There have been times when I’ve enjoyed it but it is very rare for me to initiate and when I do I really only do it for him… I was wondering what others have done being in relationships with a more sexual partner, is there a way to like sex more/want to do it? Or how have others gotten more comfortable/felt less guilty about not having sex?

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Meli96 said:

how have others gotten more comfortable/felt less guilty about not having sex?

Speaking as the sexual partner in a mixed relationship.

 

One huge thing is for the asexual partner to own it, and talk out loud with the other partner about how important their lived experience is. You can't help being the way you are, but knowing that alone, telling yourself that without talking about it to the partner, doesn't necessarily do much to ease the guilt.

 

Owning it, out loud, in dialogue with the partner, gives them the opportunity to reinforce your identity and their acceptance of it.

 

Or they won't, in which case they're the problem, not your guilt. I hope this doesn't happen. But keeping a secret or keeping it off the table of conversation can't possibly help.

 

By proactively bringing it up and being honest and vulnerable by showing how much you recognize the mismatch and its potential to affect them, you give them the chance to share the burden with you, and to show you what they really think.

 

A lot of guilt is about what we think other people think, it's not even about what they think or about the bare facts. So learning what they really think and feel can be a huge relief.

 

Talking about it also gives you the chance to practice not being ashamed of it. Again, you can't help the way you are, any more than the partner can, so, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Guilt has shame behind it, so, practicing being unashamed should help enormously with the feelings of guilt.

 

It's also the only way to assert your needs. If you need to not be expected to initiate, say that out loud. If you need to not be expected to perform certain acts, say that out loud. Talking to your partner about all of this should help you determine what your needs really are, which is important because I'm not totally sure you know yet. You sound like you're just beginning to feel your way through this. But you do have needs, and if any of them are about sexual expectations placed on you, then figuring out what they are and asserting them also should clear up some feelings of shame and guilt. They're just your needs, it's not a moral failing.

 

It's probably not going to be perfect. You might always feel something related to your partner's needs and desire not being met. But does that feeling have to be guilt and shame? No. It doesn't. One can sympathize without making oneself responsible for the other person's feelings. One can empathize while acknowledging that what is, simply is.

 

Here's another thing you might be surprised to hear:

 

My wife and myself are more intimate and closer now than we were before she identified as asexual. So one of the things we did was to agree to simply take sex 100% off the table for a period of time. During that time, we resumed certain non-sexual behaviors we had abandoned before, because they tended to cause sexual conflict.

 

So we now cuddle more, hug more, make eye contact more, even talk more than we did before. I can do these things without fearing that she'll take them as sexual approaches. She can do these things without fearing that I'll take it as a sexual approach. We both missed these things and didn't realize how the difficulties around sex were stomping them out.

 

So yeah, guilt and shame - I believe the way to be relieved of it is ironically to plow right into it and get it out in the open. Be vulnerable, because that's the magic secret ingredient to being shown your partner's capacity to forgive and reassure.

 

Unless you're convinced that they won't. In which case...

 

Spoiler

dtmfa?

 

[thylacine]

You have nothing to feel guilty about.  It's your life and your body, not your partner's.

[mmp_123]

I felt this way a lot and still do sometimes. My partner is allo and I am not.. but figuring out exactly what I identify as is what I'm working on now. But I agree with Ollie415, things got way better once we started talking very honestly about both of our needs and by mindfully engaging in physical touch with zero expectation of sex. I do enjoy being sexual with him at times so for my personal experience the sex off the table thing made me feel more comfortable with physical touch generally and made me feel safe enough to where I do get in the mood for sex at times when we do this. Wherever you are on the spectrum, I feel that open and honest and consistent and non-judgmental communication is key. If you like physical touch then taking sex off the table so that you can enjoy being close with your partner without guilt or fear of it having to turn sexual could help.

[Philip027]

I don't understand the expectation for someone who's not interested in an activity to be the one who "initiates" it.

 

Shouldn't the one who actually wants to do something be the one who "initiates" it, not just with sex but with practically nearly everything?  Is it somehow too much work for them, or what?  Do they want the other person to fake more interest?  I don't get it.