The Sadness Myth

[Kroete]

There is a very common anti-ace myth around: The Sadness Myth.

It goes something like this: "If you're asexual, you have to be sad.". (Implying that happy aces cannot exist, or that asexuality is inherently sad.)

I think this myth is bigger than we all like to admit. Maybe this is even the worst of them all. Because I rejected my ace identity for so long because I always thought of it as being inherently a sad thing. I bought into allonormativity, hook, line and sinker. Whenever I read about asexuality, I always thought instantly how sad it had to be while completely blind to the fact that they described my personality perfectly. The idea that you can be a happy ace did not even occur to me, so deep was the idea of "no sex = ur sad" ingrained into me. For this reason, I refused to believe asexuality is even valid, although I knew it for decades.

 

I think this means that allonormativity runs much, MUCH deeper than we all like to admit. Heteronormativity on its is bad enough, but this just adds another layer.

This myth is so toxic and dangerous because it prevents aces from accepting their own identity. I think this is the worst anti-ace myth. It's so bad, aces might fall into it themselves.

 

I think the Sadness Myth must be stopped because not only is this aphobia, but it keeps fellow aces (and those who don't know it yet) from being happy themselves. And this isn't good. I think Ace Pride is important for this reason because how can aces be inherently sad if they show Pride? I will definitely show up at Pride this year again.

 

[Artemis42]

This idea mirrors ableism/disableism so much to me. It’s assumed in the same way that all disabled people must be tragically sad and yearning for a cure, and disability pride aims to dismantle ideas like that. 
Not trying to overshadow this type of aphobia at all, though I do think disableism goes hand-in-hand with many ace/arophobic ideas. 

[Still]

I think the reasoning here is "Sex is great! If you don't want sex, you must be sad because you don't want something that great". Or alternatively "You must be sad because you don't understand how great sex is".

[SimonB]

Maybe because I was very depressed for most of my adult life, once I figured out I was asexual it didn't even occur to me to feel sad about it. Rather the opposite, I feel much more satisfied and content with life now.

[Liara]

I think that's something said to everything and everyone who doesn't follow what society sees as "normal", this unique way of life cherished by conservatives. That was said to queer people... That's a weapon used to let think you could be happy only if you follow "the rules".

Of course, that's totally bullshit...

[Picklethewickle]

Even though you explained the topic well, I still can't imagine how being ace could be sad. What's so sad about not giving a literal fuck? What's so happy about having a relationship? People go on so much about all the effort required to find a partner and the problems involved in establishing and maintaining a relationship, to say nothing of the misery of ending a relationship. I can't picture that as an essential part of happiness.

 

As much as I like being on AVEN now, sometimes I'm glad my own understanding of being aroace came from personal reflection on my own thoughts, feelings, and wants, and only learning about the terms and the community afterward. Learning about asexuality through society sounds like one big minefield.

[Guest]

My response to that would be "be sad about extra hobby time?? how???"

 

*it's okay and valid to grieve if finding out you're asexual feels like a loss of something, my own personal experience is just very far removed from that.

[bloominoko]

I think some folks on the allo side of things may confuse the reason why asexuals may feel sad about their life. Unfortunately based on the ace community surveys, many aces have felt suicidal in their lives. For the believers of the sadness myth, they may view this as proof that asexuals must be unhappy due to not having sex. But really its not being accepted by society and myths like these that cause a lot of us to feel quite shitty!

[The Abhorred]

Acephobia is what makes us sad, when others treat us as something broken and tell us to go see a doctor to fix our "appetite".

[Thujaplicata]

I can imagine how being ace might contribute to someone being sad, but only within the context of other, bigger problems. Like acephobia and amatonormativity.

 

Like, if I hadn't had a friend group so disinterested in typical high school drama and boys and such, I might have felt really out of place. Maybe not caring about relationships could leave someone feeling othered and alone, but that would be more the fault of not having friends that understood them and/or were able to just accept that about them. And societal norms. How I hate those. And the friend issue could just as easily happen with something else - a unique interest that doesn't match gender norms or something. 

Someone may be sad at being aromantic and not heading for a relationship, but that's probably because they've got an image society has told them to dream of. Or someone may feel lonely, but a few good friends would fix that better than a relationship that isn't even wanted. Or a qpr. There doesn't need to be sex.

 

Could someone be aroace and sad? Of course. But we can also be really happy. We're just people, you know? Some of us are sad and some are angry and some are anxious and some are almost obnoxiously cheerful.

 

Is it harder, to be ace than to be straight? Well...in my opinion, yes and no. It was a lot harder to figure out what the hell is going on with my desires and such. It's extremely frustrating to live in such a sexualized world and rather distancing when I can't relate or just feel uncomfortable. 

On the other hand, I skip through life free of so many worries. I have ended up with a girlfriend, but I never felt compelled to seek a relationship, never searched my classmates for a potential partner, never got distracted by someone's looks, never felt incomplete or unsatisfied because I didn't have anyone to call mine. 

When I curled up into a ball of teenage angst it was because applying to colleges was stressful or I was overwhelmed by homework or family life got messy and complicated again. I never did as my little sisters have and plaintively mourned that "I just want to date someone." Nope. I wanted all romantically inclined boys to leave me the fuck alone. 

[kimbo21]

As much as I hate to admit it, I have felt sadness about being asexual because of the implications.  I feel like in some ways life would be so much easier if I wasn't asexual.

 

However, it's also brought me freedom, liberation, compassion open mindedness and the opportunity to meet wonderful people I wouldn't have otherwise so it's a mixed bag for me.

 

If I had the choice I would have picked to be straight, but we work with the cards we are dealt and we're part of the ace club so best to accept that  

[samp]

I think there is a certain sadness to being ace but I think that the myth is that it comes from lack of sex. I also think it's the same kind of sadness that other queer people feel as well. The sadness that the world is incredibly heteronormative which often leaves us out. 

 

For me personally, I feel sad being ace just because I know dating and having deep connections with people is going to be harder and a lot different than it is for other allosexuals. People view relationships and friendships differently than I do. This isn't an entirely ace experience but I think being ace exacerbates this problem further. It's hard being ace in a heteronormative world. I don't think this means we'll all be sad forever though. Just that it might be a bit harder for some of us to find that happiness in our relationships that others seem to find so easily