She’s so pretty but I can’t figure out what I’m feeling or what I want

[binary suns]

What am I supposed to do about attraction when I literally just have a blank mind I try to ask what do I want and can’t answer the question I ask what am i feeling and all i can answer is I’m feeling a still mind and muscle tension in specific places and that’s what I’m feeling. I ask if it’s romantic or platonic and I’m like it could be either and I ask what do I want and I literally don’t know.

Would dating here be nice? Yes. Do I want to date? Idk it doesn’t feel like what I really want. Should I try talking to her? Idk it would make me uncomfortable and I’d worry if I’d need to explain my motivations I’d not know what to say. What are they?

 

I ask do I want to watch her videos? I do but i can’t really handle the attraction because it’s too much for a scenario where I feel weird for feeling the attraction, like I’m not allowed to feel it because we’re strangers to each other.

 

If they would talk to you would you like the conversation? Probably but what would we even say i don’t really feel any desire to hold a conversation with anyone right now because of the anxiety it would give me. I know I’d enjoy this person because in the past when i felt attraction this intense I’m basically in love with everything they do and i don’t really want to face that with someone I’m not dating.
 

Ok so you want to date her? Idk I don’t really feel a desire for that. But you’d like dating her and you don’t want to feel this intense for a platonic connection so that makes the feelings romantic right? Idk to be honest I’d rather just avoid this because romance seems like too much for me, i don’t really want that kind of connection.
 

Oh so you’re just overstimulated by romance but actually feeling romantic attraction? Answer: Why do you have to label it at all can’t I just be fascinated by a person and move on to living my life for myself?
 

Sure but why can’t you date this person? I could but i don’t really want to ask them.

 

But you do you literally fantasize about that scenario! A: maybe but i was more exploring it to see how it made me feel and honestly it made me anxious.

 

Q: so we’re back at it overloading you! A: maybe but I’m fine to feel these feelings I just don’t want to feel pressured into anything and lack confidence. Q: ok so you don’t feel like a valid woman and so don’t expect people to be attracted to you because you’re not apparent as a woman so you avoid romance.
 

A: i don’t need her to be attracted to me or even know I exist. Q: but you said you’re uncomfortable with the scenario of watching her videos because she doesn’t know. A: it’s different, i could watch them but I’m lonely and want these feelings reciprocated by someone but not her because….

 

Q: because why A: idk.

 

Q: if she was your friend you’d love her! A: i ghosted all my friends and undervalue the ones i do have because i just wasn’t in person friends and online is lonely. I’d probably do the same here too, just not feel a real connection to someone and feel distant. Literally every connection i ever made felt this way or something idk I can’t remember

 

Q: so what about the women you’ve met in person Why didn’t you reach out to meeting them? A: they’re not asexual.
 

Q  ok so you’re romantic and just want an asexual and compatible partner

 

 a: maybe but why can’t it be a qpr?

 

q: because aromantic people don’t fall in love

 

 a: stfu a-hole let me feel intense emotion in peace it’s hard enough feeling it without forcing it into the romantic box and expecting me to do something about it.

Q: let’s go back to the question at hand. Do you want a romantic relationship with someone attracted to you who you’re attracted to?

 

a: I’d like that, but i don’t know if I’d be able to give them the sense that the connection is romantic, I’d just be a best friend slash room mate who’s incredibly Introverted and distant to often

 

 Q: so you’re an aromantic who falls in love? How does that even work?

 

A: I just want a person in my life who I can admire and touch without feeling it of place. I’d want to be important to them and then important to me, b just I don’t know how to form lasting relationships with people in general especially if you require me actually feeling connected to them.

 

Q: What about E? A? D? S? S?
 

A: those didn’t last and if I’d known I was a woman at the time the dynamic would’ve been different, I didn’t like them romantically I just wanted a friendship.
 

Q: Except A, I was happy to date her (The other people were just friends)

 

A: right but she broke up with me for unexplained reasons

 

 Q: so you’ve given up on mattering to a person other than your parents

 

 A: what’s that got to do with the topic at hand?

 

Q: it seems like you’re just afraid of failure

 

 A: fine. But is my attraction romantic?

 

Q: no, you’d want a friend with physical non-sexual intimacy.

 

A: exactly. Romance is fun and all but I just don’t feel it on the level other people do, I get fascinated by special people and want to be just as special to them. Is that enough for most romantic people? Cause all i got is friendship and physical intimacy. Doing thing’s together, I don’t even know what romance would even like like

 

 q: gazing into each other’s eyes or watching a sunset together or flirting or a romantic evening date or loving compliments

 

 a: when have i ever shown an interest in those things?

 

 

 

 

 Ugh I’m tired of this game. let me know your thoughts on this dialogue…. idk what to think and it’s annoyingMe so much that i keep having this question. I just feel so pressured to be a certain way that I can’t validate the things I do want and feel guilty for not being enough to the people I did date. I’ve had enough attraction and don’t really want it because I don’t really want dates and romance I just want to matter to someone that i felt love for. Idk

[Ceebs]

Is this about a real person, as opposed to being a hypothetical scenario? Don't do anything, you'll confuse the shit out of this poor woman.

 

I don't know how to answer your specific questions. They seem to be the same conflicts and confusions you've been having for years.

[Destranix]

9 minutes ago, _River_ said:

A: it’s different, i could watch them but I’m lonely and want these feelings reciprocated by someone but not her because….

 

Q: because why A: idk

Because you don't feel you ware worth it or that you ar bad for her?

11 minutes ago, _River_ said:

I’d just be a best friend slash room mate who’s incredibly Introverted and distant to often

Some people are okay with that and some may be able to help you with that, if you see it as a problem.

12 minutes ago, _River_ said:

fine. But is my attraction romantic?

Well, maybe. Some of the things you said sound like (like e.g. you want someone to touch without it feeling out of place and being important for someone who is important for you and other stuff).

But also depends on what people understand by "romance", that is actually not defined. I'd better say its maybe more that just friends or categorize it by the things you want and don't want in the relationship, not using the vague term "romance".

 

17 minutes ago, _River_ said:

gazing into each other’s eyes or watching a sunset together or flirting or a romantic evening date or loving compliments

It#s not about doing these things, but feeling the feeling people associate with that things in this contecxt.

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Destranix said:

Because you don't feel you ware worth it or that you ar bad for her?

I feel like the scenario (she's a popular social media influencer/content creator) leads to a ballanced approach to initiating either a romance or a friendship. It's like asking the mcdonalds window person out or whatever. It's weird. If I met them IRL and didn't find them online due to their content? I honestly don't know. I'd be incredibly fascinated and interested in them and want some kind of connection... But I think I'd be still very anxious and unsure. Trying to think up romantic situations is difficult, because the people I was ever the most interested in getting to know, were people I was trying to be friends with. But I was open to romance every time... just simply wanted a peer to peer friendship tho.

 

With the one of those people who I did date. .. they actually asked me out, and I happily accepted. I can't really say that what I felt for them was specifically not aesthetic and sensual though. we had a physical and fun relationship. I don't know if there was anything about it that made her feel a romantic connection or not, and in retrospect, I just generally feel like I was just happy to have her attention and to be able to be close physically with her. 

 

With the content creator I'm feeling strong feelings for now... if the situation were different, I'd be happy with whatever connection we did have. I think. But what exactly would make my feelings romantic? If we weren't a romantic connection I'd be just as happy. Of course, I'd want physical intimacy, but is that enough to make my feelings romantic when sensual attraction is a thing?

 

 

14 minutes ago, Destranix said:

 

 

It#s not about doing these things, but feeling the feeling people associate with that things in this contecxt.

well, I don't really think I feel feelings other than admiration aesthetically that transfers into a desire to be connected with the person. That's really all the feelings I have... wanting to connect.

 

Gaze into their eyes? it would feel like a game, not something specifically special or intimate.

 

Go on a fancy date? I'd just think it would be too expensive and extravagant. If we're celebrating something, that the thing is rare enough celebration makes sense to do for it on this level, that's one thing. But like... I don't feel like a date expresses how I feel about the person specifically. I don't want to celebrate my feelings, or our connection, I mean if they like to celebrate our establishing being a thing I'd say it makes sense, but unless my supposed partner wants that I wouldn't remember the date or think it special. I wouldn't want to celebrate our aniversary. So I feel like I'd be a disappointment to someone who does feel romantic ties to going on some kind of romantic date. I wouldn't have those feelings specifically for this interaction.

 

Some romantic scenario, like a sunset? I don't really feel anything here either. 

[Destranix]

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

It's like asking the mcdonalds window person out or whatever. It's weird.

Yeah, sure. Maybe you should start a little bit more love level. First get to know each other better.

Find a topic to talk about and talk about it.

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

But what exactly would make my feelings romantic?

Nobody really knows that.

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

That's really all the feelings I have... wanting to connect.

Well, that's possibly a core essence of romantic attraction, but I'm not sure.

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

Gaze into their eyes?

Gaze into her aesthetic eyes.

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

I don't feel like a date expresses how I feel about the person specifically.

As far I understand dates, they are just about getting to know. Like meeting somewhere, but not at home or work, but at a space, where both can be more or less free and a place, that's not to "intimiate".

3 hours ago, _River_ said:

Some romantic scenario, like a sunset? I don't really feel anything here either.

Yeah, sunsets are mostly boring. There are more aesthetic things than sunsets (though they got nice colors sometimes).