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Hate being female, don’t want to be a man


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I guess the fact that women’s rights are eroding so fast and that my own doctor refused to give me birth control to regulate painful irregular periods that may be early menopause is really hammering this lifelong feeling home lately. I’m so depressed that people are even legally allowed to have a moral objection to my own quality of life. I’ve never felt female but assuming a male gender role seems equally depressing to me. I just hate gender roles; I feel like a lot of things that are normalized exclude me. I also have ADHD and I’ve never been able to live independently. Throw in being asexual, as in I don’t want to have sex with anyone (and I’m perfectly versed in relieving any sexual frustration myself). For a small window of time, I experienced some hope for acceptance but I’ve seen such immense backtracking, it’s sickening. The way people just shut down like you’re not even human the minute you state you’re different is not an unreasonable fear; it’s almost a certainty, to where I’m absolutely blitzed with joy when  someone is actually accepting. I’ve hated the heaviness in my chest with breasts and many health problems causing obesity only caused this dysphoria with gender to heighten because I have a chest too big and painful to bind since chronic pain affects me even with loose clothing. I don’t want to adopt new pronouns because my identity doesn’t depend on people adhering to it. I probably wouldn’t care about being a woman if it didn’t always mean people making assumptions about how to treat me, what I value or even what I’m capable of. I’m just so sick and tired of being ‘assigned’ and I’m not out to be difficult; I’m just so… over it. And I think I even defend female pronouns and resent the idea that being ‘non-binary’ would insinuate that being a woman is a problem. Would I simply be passing on shame to other young girls by not fighting for women still? I don’t see us escaping this war on our bodies so in my escapist fantasies I’m just TRULY asexual; living in a world where genitals don’t tell my story or give others the illusion that they can either. And I know it’s some Carebears level bullshit fantasy but I wish I could just be surrounded by friendships, not clouded by kids or marriages or being knocked lower on the priority list when friendships, to me, ARE the top of the list. Because all of these things that people pretend to value leave most of them disillusioned and miserable, yet… I guess I am too, if only because I can never seem to find a relationship that exists just because they enjoy having me around without messy expectations towards me or some future fantasy partner. Or assume asexuality is me just waiting for the right person to change my mind. Ffs, life is just so needlessly exhausted by the expectations of people who invest nothing in what they force on others. Asking to just be left to your own happiness is too much to ask, I guess. 
 

And what’s crazy is I’m usually a boundless optimist and I have a lot of fight in me for injustice and ignorance. But sometimes I just take a hit I need to catch my breath with. Having hormonal therapy refused by a doctor on some pretense of morality just threw me

for a loop. I’m grieving it but I’m going to get through it and get angry. And I’m absolutely getting the birth control I want; doctors can only gatekeep so much before you shake it off and look for alternatives. About to use Nurx. And hope for early menopause. I’ve been donating to Planned Parenthood for years so I’m very aware that they are always an option and I’ve fought to keep it that way. May my own contributions someday make it so more women never have to know the crushing pain of being forced to endure these obstacles, both to self-love/acceptance and care and control of their own bodies. My resentment will likely always remain because the trauma is just way too deep. To where asexuality (on the scientific level we’re often ridiculed about as if words can’t have more than one implication) is what I actually dream I could be to escape the absurdity of a backwards moving world.

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11 hours ago, KitaCat said:

And I think I even defend female pronouns and resent the idea that being ‘non-binary’ would insinuate that being a woman is a problem. Would I simply be passing on shame to other young girls by not fighting for women still?

This bit jumped out at me.  First, identifying as non-binary doesn't mean that being a woman is a problem in general, it means that being a woman is wrong for you.  You don't owe those hypothetical young girls anything either (unless you have daughters, but I gather that isn't the case), and there's no reason that identifying as non-binary would make it so that you couldn't fight for women, anyway.  Even cismen can support the fight for women's rights.  And if you do want to help others, well, one of the things they teach first responders is that you're not supposed to put yourself at risk if you can help it, because that just leaves everyone else with an additional person to rescue.

 

Try to get your own issues under control first, no matter how many bigots in the medical profession you need to harass to pull that off.  Once you have somewhere to firmly plant your own feet, you can think about what, if anything, you owe to the future, and how to go about addressing that.

 

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 1/25/2023 at 1:52 AM, KitaCat said:

 And I know it’s some Carebears level bullshit fantasy but I wish I could just be surrounded by friendships, not clouded by kids or marriages or being knocked lower on the priority list when friendships, to me, ARE the top of the list. Because all of these things that people pretend to value leave most of them disillusioned and miserable, yet… I guess I am too, if only because I can never seem to find a relationship that exists just because they enjoy having me around without messy expectations towards me or some future fantasy partner. Or assume asexuality is me just waiting for the right person to change my mind. Ffs, life is just so needlessly exhausted by the expectations of people who invest nothing in what they force on others. Asking to just be left to your own happiness is too much to ask, I guess. 

What's that old Murphy's Law? " The Race isn't always won by the swiftest, nor the battle by the Strongest, but that's the way the smart money bets" Thing is, there are notable exceptions, but it's exhausting to find and grow them. 

 

But they are out there. It's just that in a world bent on producing enough compliant Consumers and producting inspired Cannon Fodder, one has to fight against Rome to NOT do what all good Romans do. It really pisses the Romans off, but they do often move slowly and trip on their own slings and arrows, so there is that. 

 

Enh.....sooner of later the human race will find there's no greater happiness than finding that one CAN walk a pretty good path without trodding on the graves of Flowers and Pollinators.

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