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I am still trapped by my internalized acephobias (if I may call them so).


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I identified me as asexual and thank god  I felt finally relieved and could breathe. But it took really really long time to admit my sexual identity partly because I didn’t know these concepts existed and mostly because I strongly believed being chosen romantically and sexually by someone was the MOST valuable thing in my life. And also stupidly believed accepting me as asexual was excuse for not being enough attractive (rather pretty?) nor sexy nor interesting for being chosen and not working hard to be so. I tried not to think about my sexuality for long time.

 

Now I realized how terribly wrong I was  and these were acephobias, right? Seen asexuality as excuse. Chosen by someone doesn’t decide whether I am worth or not. 


But still I am stuck by them and very nervous when I tell people I am asexual because I’m scared they will judge me and think “of course you are asexual because you are not attractive at all.”

I understand rationally that is insult but emotionally get hurt. This makes me silent and utterly powerless.

 

I recently saw the exactly same statement like this by asexual person on Twitter, and I emphasized that so I murmured my feelings here.

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Welcome to AVEN.

 

And you don't have to tell people you're ace if you don't want to.  It's your own business and not anyone else's.

 

Silence is more powerful than you know - just ignore them or change the subject and leave them wondering... make like you don't give a F-word what they think.

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As someone who's really big on authenticity and desperately wants to be heard and understood and believed, one of the most difficult lessons I've learnt is that we can never have complete control over the things other people think about us. One of the shittiest and nastiest people I've ever encountered (I don't want to say 'known', since tbh I barely knew anything about them; never met them, never knew their real name, never saw their face, never heard their voice) gave me the eventual gift of learning to give way fewer shits about what others think, and I'm very grateful for that. With some people, no matter how many times we reiterate something, how honest and open we're being, how emotional we might get, how many facts or logical arguments we might present to them, how many other people might back us up, etc., they'll be committed to their own narrative. And the most empowering thing you can do is learn to genuinely not give a fuck. Their opinion doesn't change your reality. Their opinion isn't even really your business, tbh; if they insist upon making it your business, simply stop engaging. You mentioned feeling powerless, and that's how you take back your power. Tell yourself over and over and over as many times as you need to that they don't matter, and hopefully with time you'll grow to really believe it.

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Picklethewickle

It sounds like some of the trouble is coming from intrusive and negative internal dialogue. When those thoughts come up, and you start worrying people will judge your asexuality by your looks, practice altering your thoughts. Replacing negative thoughts with healthy and affirming ones with eventually cause those healthy thoughts to become the new default.

 

Try things such as:

My asexuality is not defined by my body or appearance. 

Asexuality is not born from failing to try hard enough.

My asexuality is not defined by how other people feel about me.

My worth is not dependent on other people's interest.

 

What asexuality is: my own internal feelings regarding sex and relationships. No one gets to tell me what to feel, or what my sexuality is supposed to be.

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But it took really really long time to admit my sexual identity partly because I didn’t know these concepts existed and mostly because I strongly believed being chosen romantically and sexually by someone was the MOST valuable thing in my life. And also stupidly believed accepting me as asexual was excuse for not being enough attractive (rather pretty?) nor sexy nor interesting for being chosen and not working hard to be so. I tried not to think about my sexuality for long time.

I also had to struggle with self-denial for so long for similar false beliefs about relationships. I also was angry at myself for believing such nonsense. But then, we're victims of allonormativity. It's very easy to fall into an irrational belief system if the whole society is structured around one. Allonormativity sucks. This is why I love this site so much, you learn so much here. :)
 

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But still I am stuck by them and very nervous when I tell people I am asexual because I’m scared they will judge me and think “of course you are asexual because you are not attractive at all.”

I understand rationally that is insult but emotionally get hurt. This makes me silent and utterly powerless.

 

Aphobes gonna aphobe. We have to understand that not everyone is on our side, sadly. It is possible to make some people understand, but some people will never understand or accept you. It's not worth your time to try to explain to arrogant haters if you already know they don't want to learn. For me, I see coming out as aro-ace like this: If the person in question just outright rejects me, that's a sign for me I should cut this person off from my life. I still try to explain my identity to debunk the most common myths. People who are wrong but in good faith might still come around, after all, it's not that rare. I can accept honest mistakes if people are open to learning. BUT! If I feel the person is still rejecting everything after that, I guess it's game over for them. It's THEIR problem now, not mine. And I have absolutely no pity left then. I would also not see it as a loss for me. This attitude helped me a lot for my coming-out moments, and I was not afraid of possible rejection, because I was ready to reject back, so to say. :P

 

That having said, if you personally do not feel emotionally ready to come out, do not come out.

 

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One of the shittiest and nastiest people I've ever encountered (I don't want to say 'known', since tbh I barely knew anything about them; never met them, never knew their real name, never saw their face, never heard their voice) gave me the eventual gift of learning to give way fewer shits about what others think, and I'm very grateful for that.

THIS! ×1000. This is such an important life lesson. We do NOT have to please everyone.

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