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I've stopped trusting people, need other opinions


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Over time, I've found myself losing trust in my closest friends, but they haven't done anything to make me lose that trust in them. They haven't betrayed me or made me feel like they would spill my secrets or anything like that, but I'm still unwilling to talk to them and tell them about things that I would have had no issues talking to them about this previously. I don't really understand why this is happening, and I'm wondering if this is natural? Do other people feel like this? 

 

Some things I end up telling people anyway, but other times I can't bring myself to share. Because I feel like I can't/shouldn't/don't want to talk to my friends about whatever's bothering me at any given moment, I end up feeling more alone. I know that's also a problem on my end, but I don't really know how to solve this. I do have one friend who is exempt from this feeling, and I assume that's just because of their natural disposition (their presence feels soothing to me), but there could be other factors. I don't like only relying on one person to talk to, even if that seems to be where my life is heading right now. Does anyone have any advice? 

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CincinnatiAsexual

It's hard to trust people sometimes. I'm not sure why you feel less confident about them being trustworthy. It's possible that other things have happened to you recently that don't involve the friends you're speaking about, and that's what has made you less trusting.

 

Regardless, I myself have very few people with whom I can talk about asexuality and other similar topics. I'd be happy to chat with you anytime. It's too bad we don't have like a standing schedule where there are AVEN folks on the voice chat on Discord or elsewhere. I'd hop on if it were more predictable.

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what if you talked to that one friend about your lack of trust for your other friends?

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I think this can be a common feeling if you have ever expressed some deeply personal issues or concerns that you normally wouldn't share with people and after sharing you either feel that you are being judged for what you shared, not taken seriously or it is generally dismissed. 

 

When opening up on something serious like that, if you don't receive the response you are expecting then it can be hard to open up again the next time. 

 

I know that is the way it is for me. I give somebody a chance and if I feel they don't take me seriously, then I won't be able to open up to them again. Doesn't mean they aren't a friend, just not somebody that sees that side of me again.

 

Maybe it is a vulnerability issue, maybe it is just holding back because you know sharing with them won't help anyway. 

 

If you think this may be the case for you, the only thing I would suggest, is to be sure that you have reasonable expectations for how they respond and what you expect of them. Maybe even outline that before you talk to them.  Something like, "I'm going to share with you something very important to me and I need...

- your honest feedback 

- you to listen and not comment / judge / etc.

- you to give me a big hug when I cry..."

 

Whatever it is that works for you, but set the expectations and be honest. 

 

The only other thing I can suggest is that forums like this are a great way to share and get honest feedback. Nobody needs to know who you are, so the anonymity can help. 

 

Just don't be alone... There are people out here to talk to and share with. 

 

Good luck!

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7 minutes ago, CincinnatiAsexual said:

It's hard to trust people sometimes. I'm not sure why you feel less confident about them being trustworthy. It's possible that other things have happened to you recently that don't involve the friends you're speaking about, and that's what has made you less trusting.

 

Regardless, I myself have very few people with whom I can talk about asexuality and other similar topics. I'd be happy to chat with you anytime. It's too bad we don't have like a standing schedule where there are AVEN folks on the voice chat on Discord or elsewhere. I'd hop on if it were more predictable.

I can't really think of anything that has happened to me, but I wonder if it has to do with hearing other people's stories about being betrayed by their loved ones. Maybe I'm being influenced? 

 

Thank you for the offer, I'll keep that in mind. Most of the issues are relatively trivial and not asexuality related, which is also part of why I'm so confused, since most of what bothers me doesn't really fall under life-changing. Something as simple as "this person annoyed me today" or "I had a headache this morning" still doesn't feel acceptable to tell my friends which is strange to me. Thanks for sharing your opinion!

 

8 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

what if you talked to that one friend about your lack of trust for your other friends?

Good idea, but unfortunately, there are a few complications there as well.

a) said friend is immensely busy, especially right now, and doesn't really have time to talk

b) since this issue is ongoing I've already been relying too much on this one friend and I refuse to make them my therapist (which is also part of why I'm seeking advice on AVEN instead of going directly to them) 

c) they aren't on the best of terms with my other friends so I avoid talking about my other friends beyond brief mentions 

Thank you for your advice!

 

3 minutes ago, blews22 said:

Maybe it is a vulnerability issue, maybe it is just holding back because you know sharing with them won't help anyway.

This might be it, the one friend I do share with has a knack for making me feel safe even when I'm being super vulnerable. It's a really good description for it, at least. 

 

5 minutes ago, blews22 said:

Whatever it is that works for you, but set the expectations and be honest. 

 

The only other thing I can suggest is that forums like this are a great way to share and get honest feedback. Nobody needs to know who you are, so the anonymity can help. 

 

Just don't be alone... There are people out here to talk to and share with. 

To be honest, I'm not sure what I expect, but I'll try this advice out next time, thank you! And yep, that's a great thing about forums, and why I'm here. Being able to share things without my friends immediately knowing more context than I'm comfortable is another reason I can't really share what I want to, because I just know they'll have questions/suspicions and when I'm on forums, there isn't any of that. I appreciate your input. 

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I’ve been burned once, when I was in middle school and that coupled by another childhood trauma has made me a bit paranoid. I tend to overthink what I’m going to say, how much I am going to say, then when I say it I start doubting myself. I won’t say I’m completely mistrusting, but I do think I am a bit reserved. 
This didn’t happen randomly, though. You mentioned in your post that it just happened with nothing to trigger it. Maybe there was a trigger and you just didn’t see it. I’m pretty bad at knowing my triggers most of the time, and sometimes even with your closest friends you might want to keep some things to yourself. 

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I really believe asexuals are the loneliest people on the planet. No one wants us after so long as we cannot help what we are. Everyone I loved and who said they loved me, cheated and left to have sex. Important people thought I turned them down for sex and always hold a grudge against me. I trust no one in a relationship. I trust no one outside a relationship,.

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Janus the Fox

Sounds like a normal thing to me, a natural adult maturation not to remain worthy of trust in anybody, until proof is shown in getting much closer to a person, and never really 100% trusting even in long term close relationships.  Never know how people are like even close to me.

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It's probably worth checking in with your mental health. If your relationship with someone is still good but you feel less positive about engaging with that person, it may be due to more pervasive negative feelings.

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