Not sure how to feel about stbx husband’s comments?

[Lisalionheart]

My husband and I have been on the path to separation for over a year, but since we share a daughter and a home it has taken longer than expected. Once I found out I was asexual I decided I didn’t want to force myself to have sex despite my wishes anymore. I was more than happy to open up our marriage and allow him to fulfill his desires with other people, which he has done a few times with no issue. Now that we are closer to separation, he has written me a long message on how he feels we should not split up, and I should just provide him with charity sex since I know he needs it. He says the open marriage isn’t working because he only wants sex with me. He says he has sacrificed a lot over the past year by abstaining from sex with me and that maybe I should try making sacrifices as well. I am sex-repulsed and sex is actually quite traumatizing for me. I did it for 20 years because I thought I was supposed to and didn’t realize asexuality existed. Are his comments messed up or am I really to believe that I should make this sacrifice for him to save our marriage? Is it unfair that he sacrificed sex with me even though I allowed him to have sex with other people and told him the whole time that I thought it better that we part ways? 

[Liara]

I'm a sexual person in relationship with an ace person sex-repulsed. And I'm sure of one thing : you NEVER have to force yourself doing something you don't want. Even for love. What your husband ask you is awful. I can't even understand how he can imagine that. What is the purpose to have sex with someone who doesn't want it??

You owe him nothing. You are asexual, you don't want to have sex. If he can't accept that, needs sex and doesn't want open relationship, break-up is the only solution.

[Ceebs]

29 minutes ago, Lisalionheart said:

He says the open marriage isn’t working because he only wants sex with me.

Well how nice for him...

 

You don't want sex with him, though. End of.

 

29 minutes ago, Lisalionheart said:

Are his comments messed up

Yes.

 

Get divorced. The sooner, the better.

 

Edit: I'm sexual, I totally understand why the situation has been incredibly hard and heartbreaking for your husband. But the way things stand, you two really should not be staying together.

[Liara]

If you hadn't already reasons to divorce... Now you really have. He doesn't respect you.

[RoseGoesToYale]

Yeah, they're messed up. If he really loved you, he wouldn't be asking you to do something you obviously don't want to do and wouldn't enjoy.

 

He may also be panicking at the reality setting in about the separation, possibly because people do get used to relationships, even when they're not working out. Change is scary. But it's really just a clear sign that you both aren't compatible and need to go your separate ways.

[Tetus]

Anyone who wants to have sex with you knowing that you are repulsed by the act has some serious issues. He should have more respect for you and for himself.

 

He is probably at least to some extent confused and frustrated, but how much slack you want to cut him for that is up to you. If you think it would be productive, you could try framing it for him: “Are you saying that you want to have sex with me knowing that I don’t want to?” Hearing it in clear terms might help. But you’re not obligated to do that, and my suspicion is that he has some issues with empathy that he needs to work through.

[AspieAlly613]

It's never okay to demand sex.  Trying to frame it as "charity" is dishonest.

[Astrea]

Well, from what you are saying he is denying your feelings, doesn't mind  having sex with someone who doesn't want to (and considers the act a 'sacrifice') and is trying to emotionally blackmail into sucking up your repulsion out of pity. None of that is OK for either of you.

Outside from this, you don't want to have sex with him, you seem to think a divorce is the best outcome at this point and you don't even sound like you have much feelings for him anymore... your marriage is already over. Getting a divorce and moving out as fast as possible so you can both get on with your lives sounds like the best option by far.

[thylacine]

5 hours ago, Lisalionheart said:

My husband and I have been on the path to separation for over a year, but since we share a daughter and a home it has taken longer than expected. Once I found out I was asexual I decided I didn’t want to force myself to have sex despite my wishes anymore. I was more than happy to open up our marriage and allow him to fulfill his desires with other people, which he has done a few times with no issue. Now that we are closer to separation, he has written me a long message on how he feels we should not split up, and I should just provide him with charity sex since I know he needs it. He says the open marriage isn’t working because he only wants sex with me. He says he has sacrificed a lot over the past year by abstaining from sex with me and that maybe I should try making sacrifices as well. I am sex-repulsed and sex is actually quite traumatizing for me. I did it for 20 years because I thought I was supposed to and didn’t realize asexuality existed. Are his comments messed up or am I really to believe that I should make this sacrifice for him to save our marriage? Is it unfair that he sacrificed sex with me even though I allowed him to have sex with other people and told him the whole time that I thought it better that we part ways? 

Sorry for your troubles... whenever I hear stories like this, I'm so glad I never married.

[Olallieberry]

This wouldn't be charity sex.

 

Charity sex is performed by sexual people.

[Rain dancer81]

7 hours ago, Lisalionheart said:

He says the open marriage isn’t working because he only wants sex with me

 There’s a lot of people that want to have sex with Brad Pitt too but guess what? We can’t always have sex with who we want, so we figure something else out. Youve been more than ‘fair’ opening the marriage for him to try to meet that need, if it’s not enough, it’s time to separate. 
 

I’m in a very similar situation if you’d like to chat you can message me. 

[nanogretchen4]

His attitude is gross and ridiculous. Do not let him mess with your head. Keep moving toward divorce as efficiently as you can. 

[uhtred]

I keep it simple. No one should ever feel they need to have sex they don't want. No one should every feel they need to stay in a relationship where they are not getting the sex life that they want.  (or for any other reason really).

So I'm 100% OK with him deciding he wants to leave.  But - under no conditions whatsoever do you need to provide him with sex.  He is already in an open realtionship, so he is free to find willing partners for sex.  If he is unable to do so, then that is his problem not yours.

[Old Dude]

Wow.  Sad to say, but it needs to end.  

 

First, IMHO your view of separation is well thought out.  

 

Your husband's need to have sex with you even though you don't want to seems more about power - its not about intimacy.     I'm sexual and I finally figured out that my wife is ace and sex repulsed --- but asking her -- demanding -- that she have sex with me would be awful.  How does someone find pleasure in sex if their partner doesn't want to engage, ace or not?!     

 

Second, I'm so impressed and admire you and the other ace people on these boards as you are able to accept and express who you are. My wife is ace but she absolutely cannot accept her own sexuality; she is convinced  that there is something wrong with her, that she must be broken and that our difficulties are her fault. Its heartbreaking.  ;-(         

 

 

[Ceebs]

53 minutes ago, Old Dude said:

How does someone find pleasure in sex if their partner doesn't want to engage, ace or not?!

Yeah that one confuses me. Sure I can understand that it may feel physically pleasant (if you're somehow detaching from anything emotional), but in my experience, sex with someone who's willing but just not enthusiastically engaged is pretty mediocre, so sex with someone I knew was outright repulsed and felt traumatised by the act and didn't want to be doing it, uhhhh... nope nope nope. I don't know how I could even get aroused enough in a situation like that to make sex particularly viable.

[Liara]

26 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Yeah that one confuses me. Sure I can understand that it may feel physically pleasant, but in my experience, sex with someone who's willing but just not enthusiastically engaged is pretty mediocre, so sex with someone I knew was outright repulsed and felt traumatised by the act and didn't want to be doing it, uhhhh... nope nope nope. I don't know how I could even get aroused enough in a situation like that to make sex particularly viable.

Absolutely!! I can't understand that. It's totally selfish. He doesn't want sex, he wants power. Yerk.

[Ceebs]

10 minutes ago, Liara said:

I can't understand that. It's totally selfish.

Yeah... seems like using another person's body to masturbate, really. If your partner isn't enthusiastically engaged, making it a truly mutual experience, the primary difference between having sex with them and having a wank just seems like it would be a difference in physical sensation. And when it comes to sex between people who love each other, I don't think the fact that it feels different from a wank is the driving factor. It's the intimacy and affection and joy, and I don't know how having sex with someone who doesn't want to be having sex could ever feel intimate, affectionate or joyful.

[Sally]

12 hours ago, Lisalionheart said:

I did it for 20 years because I thought I was supposed to and didn’t realize asexuality existed. Are his comments messed up or am I really to believe that I should make this sacrifice for him to save our marriage?

As you say, you had sex that you didn't want for 20 years.  That seems like an extreme amount of sacrifice.  He apparently has not have the "opening up" experience that he was hoping for, so he expects you to go back to having unwanted sex with him.  What a great guy.  🙄

[nanogretchen4]

You don't have to save the marriage. Save yourself. People are much more important than relationships.

[Guest]

I'm really sorry for you. I'm wondering whether your husband really understands asexuality. If I take his comments at face value I would think not as on the one hand he wants the marriage to work so he cares about you/us on the other hand he says you need to have sex with him, which contradicts the latter.

Is he really aware of what he's asking you?

There might be other issues at play, but you're not his analyst. 

In short it took me a lot of reading for me to understand asexuality. Sometimes ignorance can lead one astray and make even the most well meaning of projects fall flat from the start.

[cat_lady]

Based on my personal experience, I'd advise you NOT to have sex if you don't want to. It might feel like it's helping the short-term situation or that it's not a big deal, but it causes long-term damage. It may affect you in ways that you can't envision right now.

 

Overall, you deserve better and you deserve to have the right to keep you and your body safe.

[notactuallymerida]

His comments are beyond messed up. You don’t owe him sex. It sucks that he wants to have sex with you and you don’t, but that’s life. We can’t always get what we want. He has to get over it. It’s more terrible to have sex that you don’t want than not having sex that you’d want.

Do you still live with him and do you feel safe wherever you are at the moment? Do you think he could get physically violent or stalk you? 

[Geekykitty]

On 1/21/2023 at 7:11 AM, Lisalionheart said:

Are his comments messed up or am I really to believe that I should make this sacrifice for him to save our marriage

Yes. Demanding someone has sex with you is messed up. Just because you're married to someone doesnt mean you owe them sex and that somehow the other person is entitled to your body whenever they want. Forcing someone to have unwanted sex is rape! If you really loved someone you would not do that to them. Its understandable he wants to have sex with you, but you have said no and he needs to respect your decision. 

[Olallieberry]

On 1/20/2023 at 12:11 PM, Lisalionheart said:

he has written me a long message on how he feels we should not split up

Everyone has been focusing on the "you should have charity sex with me" comments, but I realize that the above might be the more important thing here.

 

What are the reasons he's giving for no longer being willing to split?

[nanogretchen4]

Do you live in a place where a man can legally refuse to grant his wife a divorce? If not, whether you split is just not up to him. Normally, divorce happens when either spouse wants it. Both spouses wanting it is not an absolute necessity. You do not have to discuss or give any weight to the reasons why he has changed his mind over a year into this process. Get a good divorce lawyer if you don't have one already, and ask them how if would affect the process and timeline if he were to contest the divorce at this late stage.

 

[Lisalionheart]

1 hour ago, Ollie415 said:

Everyone has been focusing on the "you should have charity sex with me" comments, but I realize that the above might be the more important thing here.

 

What are the reasons he's giving for no longer being willing to split?

He just says he’s not ready and gives no other reasons. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Lisalionheart]

13 hours ago, notactuallymerida said:

His comments are beyond messed up. You don’t owe him sex. It sucks that he wants to have sex with you and you don’t, but that’s life. We can’t always get what we want. He has to get over it. It’s more terrible to have sex that you don’t want than not having sex that you’d want.

Do you still live with him and do you feel safe wherever you are at the moment? Do you think he could get physically violent or stalk you? 

We do still live together but fortunately I do feel safe. He has never shown any signs of physical violence at all. 

[Lisalionheart]

51 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Do you live in a place where a man can legally refuse to grant his wife a divorce? If not, whether you split is just not up to him. Normally, divorce happens when either spouse wants it. Both spouses wanting it is not an absolute necessity. You do not have to discuss or give any weight to the reasons why he has changed his mind over a year into this process. Get a good divorce lawyer if you don't have one already, and ask them how if would affect the process and timeline if he were to contest the divorce at this late stage.

 

I’m in NY thankfully! It’s just tough because I want to ensure we have joint custody of our daughter so I don’t want to anger him and risk anything happening with her. 

[Ceebs]

18 minutes ago, Lisalionheart said:

I’m in NY thankfully! It’s just tough because I want to ensure we have joint custody of our daughter so I don’t want to anger him and risk anything happening with her. 

That sentence makes me think you have another good reason to not be with this man. Unless it's a case of one parent truly fearing for the child's wellbeing when they're spending time with the other parent, someone who really cared about you would never have given you any reason to worry that your relationship with your child could be in any jeopardy. If he's the type of person who may put his anger over a relationship issue ahead of his daughter's connection with her mother... red flag. 

[Sally]

32 minutes ago, Lisalionheart said:

I want to ensure we have joint custody of our daughter so I don’t want to anger him and risk anything happening with her. 

Unless both parties choose joint custody, the court decides who is the primary child custodian.  

 

I understand your worry.  My husband said that he would try to get sole custody of my children, but that was because he didn't want the divorce and was angry (non-physical anger, thank god).  But he soon changed his mind, and the court would not have allowed that.  Now, especially when courts in the US have changed the system to be a dissolution because of "irreconcilable differences."  Please do not worry about what he would want to do, because it won't be up to him.