“I know I'm not gay or bi, therefore I must be straight.”

[Kroete]

Quote

I know I'm not gay or bi, therefore I must be straight.

 

Did anyone have this or a similar “thought” process before their inner coming-out as ace/aro/aspec?

 

Because I know I definitely had this delusion for a long time, and it prevented me from realizing I’m ace. Plus, the stigma of being “still a virgin” (especially as a man) did not help.

 

In hindsight, this is such an obvious fallacy, but it still took me years to figure it out. Wow.

 

(My guess is that the problem here was my (false) assumption there are only 3 valid sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. The “best” thing is, I even heard of asexuality a long time before, but I didn't take it seriously and thought it was fake for some reason (probably I fell victim to cultural bias. I definitely fell victim to virgin shaming). Internalized aphobia is real, folks! )

 

Relatable?

[bare_trees]

When I was growing up, I thought that gay and straight were really the only sexual orientations, and if I was honest, I'd have to admit that I saw being gay as a deficiency because pretty much everyone around me did.  I had heard of bisexuality but I honestly thought it was just some waystation for people who couldn't admit they were gay.  So it took me a long, long time to figure things out.  I didn't realize being ace could be a part of things at all--I used to just say I was conservative or a prude (neither of which is really true), because I figured those were the only people who weren't interested in sex.

[HappilyEverafter]

Not only did I not know the word "asexuality", but I did not even know that "lack of interest in sex" or "little interest in sex" was a thing. For a very long time, I did not care to check it out either because I didn't feel like I missed out on anything in life. I think it's my 2 ace friends who had openly come out as asexuals, friends I met on social media that influenced me to think about myself a few years later. When I learnt, I took months/years to think about it. Again, it didn't matter at all, for life's always been good, no complaints. Finally, I decided that since no other label fits and there's no problem or anything, and this is how I am, I decided to accept it. 

[AspieAlly613]

Yeah, I didn't know about asexuality until I was 18

[Barbio]

Yep. "I'm straight by process of elimination" was my experience, too.

 

I believed asexuality was valid when I first heard about it, but I didn't think I could possibly be ace myself, since I still experienced other forms of attraction. It took me a long time before I finally learned that there were different types of attraction besides just sexual. I wish they'd teach that in sex ed!

[Philip027]

Sort of?  I always knew I was "straight", but it was because I was heteroromantic, not heterosexual.  "Heterosexual" was never something I used to describe myself, even back before I knew of asexuality or romantic orientations, just because it never felt correct to use.

 

Don't think some degree of "aphobia" is necessary to be fooled.  People might mistakenly think they are bi- under the notion that they feel equally towards the male and female sexes (which isn't even necessarily true of actual bi- people)

[EvaLynn]

Somehow I got it early on that "straight" was still a kind of attraction. And since I wasn't attracted to anyone, I didn't give myself the label straight. But not gay or bi either. I had a clear label for myself in my mind as "different." Which I always said out loud, if anyone really asked, as "just different." This wasn't a way to express some problem or complaint I felt about myself. It was a satifying label for me. So I don't remember struggling to fit myself into existing labels such as straight.

[hewhomainsness]

i thought i was straight because of my fetish, but i was never comfortable calling myself straight (not that i ever had anyone ask). i just assumed that it was some "first stage" of sexual attraction and that the actual thing would develop eventually. i even knew what asexuality was i just didn't feel like it totally applied to me

 

now fast forward 4 years and here i am

[Lord Jade Cross]

I didnt learn about asexuality before finding this forum, which I did only because I had tried desperately to find an answer to things and had been pushed/shamed for my lack of interest in sex/romance for years on end. And people (including family) did push the notion that I was gay because that was the only explanation for a guy not to be chasing girls after he hits puberty

[CaittMarr]

Completely opposite I thought I was gay. I could not be straight because I didn't even feel platonic attraction to guys. Thought men all look same and never drawn to their appearance. While women friendships are amazing, and I love women. I just don't know the level of likeness. I don't want to get with them sexually, but I want to be surrounded by amazing women in my life. I also think they are pretty, and I see beauty in them. Still figuring out romantic attraction. 

[Duke Memphis]

Being heteroromantic, I always thought I was "not quite straight". Since learning that I'm actually ace, I've often wondered why people default to assuming others are straight unless told/proven otherwise. I see the reasoning behind seeing "straight" as the majority, especially with the ubiqquitous amatanormativity, but I wish people would default to not assuming anyone is any given orientation, including ace, unless/until there are clues given for any of the orientations.

[Janus the Fox]

“I know I’m not straight or gay, so I must be bisexual” was before knowing about Asexuality.

[gingertabby]

I definitely thought I was straight for a long time, especially because I'm aesthetically and romantically (???? Maybe???) attracted to men. When I first heard about asexuality I assumed it didn't apply to me because I was so convinced I was straight. It took me years to figure out that the aesthetic attraction I was experiencing was definitely not the same as being heterosexual. 

[Picklesz]

I actually knew about asexuality and demisexuality for a very long time, but there were two reasons I thought I was just bi until last year. 1) I could feel arousal, so I thought I couldn't be ace, and 2) I read the description for demisexulity and thought "but that's just how everyone feels! People are just making labels up now!" I didn't know the difference between physical arousal and sexual attraction. Then I read a story about a demisexual character and realized... wait... that's NOT how everyone feels?????? So that's how I know I'm ace now lol.

[Geekykitty]

Yeah its hard when asexuality is not really known or recognised by many people. I had never heard of it till a few years ago. Its rarely talked about or portrayed in movies, tv etc... especially not when I was growing up. I just assumed I was heterosexual as I did have a few crushes on guys. But then when I tried dating a guy in high school I started thinking there was something wrong with me because I wasn't interested in kissing or physical stuff. Later I had a crush on a girl who was a lesbian at work so I thought maybe I'm gay? But no I didn't have sexual feelings for her. More like I wanted her as some kind of best friend life companion. Then I was back to thinking I was straight but with issues caused my anxiety that stopped me wanting physical intimacy. One day I read something online about asexuality and I was amazed to learn that there were other people who were like me not feeling any desire to have sex. I felt quite relieved actually that there was a "sexuality" where I could fit in. 🥳

[uhtred]

Asexuality is still not broadly recognized, even some therapists don't think it exists. Combine that with the limits society puts on discussions of sexuality and its not surprising some people have difficulty identifying how they feel.