Dawning Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 If you're Frayromantic: when your interest in someone fades over time, is it because there's stuff about them that bugs you, or stuff that they've done that you don't like... or, does the romantic feeling just fade away even if they haven't done anything wrong, and don't have anything particularly bad about them? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Dawning said: is it because there's stuff about them that bugs you, or stuff that they've done that you don't like... Well if it's that, that's just a massively common experience that happens to loads of people all the time. That's how quite a number of crushes and relationships end; you get to know who the person truly is, not just your initial romanticised, idealised version of them, and stuff bugs you and you're just not attracted to them anymore. 1 hour ago, Dawning said: does the romantic feeling just fade away even if they haven't done anything wrong, and don't have anything particularly bad about them? But that happens often enough too. Sometimes we just get bored of someone once they're really familiar, when the excitement is gone. The chemical activity that takes place in our brains when we're experiencing things like infatuation and limerence eventually chills out, and romantic feelings can disappear when that happens. I'm really not sure how someone knows for sure that they're 'frayromantic' (or 'fraysexual') and not just losing interest in people who aren't the right ones for them once they get to know them well. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Picklethewickle Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 I'm not frayromantic, so my interpretation is based on reading rather than experience but... My impression is that frayromantic people tend to find that their loss of romantic interest is typical of every relationship, like a distinct pattern. For alloromantic people, a romantic interest can fade because a person turns out to be annoying, or can fade simply for boredom or over time. The interest might never go away, even after the relationship ends for other reasons. When and if it fades follows no schedule, and cannot be predicted if it will happen at all. With frayromantic people, that sense of romance is going to fade most every time, and typically in proportion to how well they know a person. Frayromantic people may shape their relationships according to the changes in feelings: such as a romantic relationship turning into a queer-platonic relationship. They may also choose to continue the performance of romance, but acknowledge that the accompanying feelings aren't there. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Fangorn Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 It fades when they return my feelings. I can like someone for years and get to know them very well during that time without losing my feelings. But the idea of someone being attracted to me just repulses me. I will sometimes have relationships, but I have to be very careful with them to have any chance of success. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceArospec Posted January 22, 2023 Share Posted January 22, 2023 I'm not actually sure where I fit on the romantic spectrum and am still not sure I really even understand what romantic attraction feels like, but I'll share a few experiences: -I had a really good friend/neighbor who I was very close to when I was 13. The minute he asked me to be his girlfriend, however, my feelings changed. We were really young at the time, and I agreed to be his girlfriend, because I figured that was what made sense (societal expectations & all), and it didn't actually change anything about our relationship externally, but I instantly regretted it. I started to feel like I didn't even want to be close friends anymore, and I felt like I was pretending rather than being myself around & about him. (I moved shortly thereafter & we lost touch, but I still remember being surprised by the way my feelings changed, even about our friendship). -A similar thing happened when I was in college. One of my roommates who I had become close to shared that her feelings were "more than a friend" towards me & even though I think mine were, too (not sure), as soon as she said that, I had the same instant change of feeling & didn't even enjoy being friends anymore. I think perhaps these two experiences align more with what I've read about "lithromantic," but I'm still not sure because I'm not sure what MY initial feelings were. There have also been a few people who I have greatly admired from afar, though & then my interest has faded. I may have had some mix of aesthetic and maybe alterous or even romantic attraction (once again - not sure) but in a few cases, as soon as I got to know them, I not longer had any interest & whatever attraction was there disappeared. I think in these cases there may have been more of an attraction to a idealized version of the person made up partly by who they actually were & partly by my brain filling in the blanks sort of imagining who I wanted them to be. I don't know if this is similar to frayromantic or not because I'm not 100% sure I experienced romantic attraction in the first place, but maybe? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dawning Posted January 29, 2023 Author Share Posted January 29, 2023 On 1/21/2023 at 6:54 PM, Fangorn said: It fades when they return my feelings. I can like someone for years and get to know them very well during that time without losing my feelings. But the idea of someone being attracted to me just repulses me. I will sometimes have relationships, but I have to be very careful with them to have any chance of success. What do you do to keep your feelings from fading? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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