Are there any heterosexual asexual males out there?

[AliceInWonderland]

Hello.

I'm trying to figure out who my husband is now. Back in mid-August, he told me basically that he felt liberated (like he was given a special gift) when he watched Montel when the asexuals were on the show. He said he could identify with everything that the asexuals said. Apparently, he was never able to sexually relate to anyone else before now - I'm sad for him on that count. So, then he told me that Dr. Davidson mentioned some illnesses on this show that could be mistaken for asexuality. He also now is wondering if there's problem with blood flow down there. I just don't think there is a problem. I think if there were, he would be in a panic trying to salvage our sexual relationship. So, I don't understand why he felt so liberated after watching this show but is now trying to "fix" his "problem". Why the liberation only to be thrown back into the Lion's Den? I have asked him for sex since, and he has consented only once and said he didn't enjoy that. On the other hand, I did and I have always fooled myself into thinking that he does like sex when he's having it, but apparently, I'm wrong. I don't think he even manually manipulates. He doesn't like holding hands either, but he wants to kiss (doesn't kissing make him think of sex like it does me?). I just find that I cannot think like him, but I'd really like to know what's going on in his head. Can any asexuals relate? Is there anything else you want to add that you think we sexuals just don't get? I want to try to emphathize as much as possible even though I cannot truly understand.

Please let me know. Your help is most appreciated!

[jr1]

Maybe he felt liberated because he could never express his feelings to you before seeing the Montel show. It's hard to explain, to him sex is like a food you don't like and you'll never like even if a chef from a 4 star restaurant prepares it. He loves you but he just can't go further from a sexual point despite caring about you as much as a person can care about someone

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks for your reply jr1.

[Tool1989]

Yeah it's like when you are shunned for being fat or for being black or whatever. He really had no place to go and maybe he was scared of going to you cuz he felt like you couldn't understand? Probably he couldn't even understand himself either. You know, being afraid of being judged? He obviously wants you if he is willing to have sex with you (not many asexual are willing to do that for their partner). He may hope that he has a problem because he wants to do anything to satisfy you. I know he is madly in love with you because I wouldn't ever try to change myself for anybody. It's hard to relate to somebody that can never understand. Maybe if you just take the time to sit down and let him explain it to you, the relationship may be better because you will both be on the same page. Remember to tell him that you aren't trying to judge him and that you won't leave him because of this (you wouldn't right?) He is who he is and he shouldn't be doing all this just for you or anyone. The way I look at it, you either accept him for who he is or just leave. But he doesn't think like that.....you got a good man with you who loves you for who you are and not alot of people nowadays can actually accept and respect the other person's views. Society has had an impact and maybe he feels like he needs top conform to please you because that's what the media says. All these bodies on magazines and he doesn't care whether he is with them or not when everybody else stares at them and talks about how much they wanna do it with her.....truthfully the only person he has got is you. I hope you underastand where this is coming from. I know an asexual person who was near me and it took awhile to sink in while she was explaining it, but I understand most of it now. He didn't know he was asexual....all he knew was that he saw your personality and he loved what he saw in you. That may be why he will do anything for you. Just my 2 cents.

[AliceInWonderland]

Yeah it's like when you are shunned for being fat or for being black or whatever. He really had no place to go and maybe he was scared of going to you cuz he felt like you couldn't understand? Probably he couldn't even understand himself either. You know, being afraid of being judged? He obviously wants you if he is willing to have sex with you (not many asexual are willing to do that for their partner). He may hope that he has a problem because he wants to do anything to satisfy you. I know he is madly in love with you because I wouldn't ever try to change myself for anybody. It's hard to relate to somebody that can never understand. Maybe if you just take the time to sit down and let him explain it to you, the relationship may be better because you will both be on the same page. Remember to tell him that you aren't trying to judge him and that you won't leave him because of this (you wouldn't right?) He is who he is and he shouldn't be doing all this just for you or anyone. The way I look at it, you either accept him for who he is or just leave. But he doesn't think like that.....you got a good man with you who loves you for who you are and not alot of people nowadays can actually accept and respect the other person's views. Society has had an impact and maybe he feels like he needs top conform to please you because that's what the media says. All these bodies on magazines and he doesn't care whether he is with them or not when everybody else stares at them and talks about how much they wanna do it with her.....truthfully the only person he has got is you. I hope you underastand where this is coming from. I know an asexual person who was near me and it took awhile to sink in while she was explaining it, but I understand most of it now. He didn't know he was asexual....all he knew was that he saw your personality and he loved what he saw in you. That may be why he will do anything for you. Just my 2 cents.

Hi Tool.

Thanks for your post. I don't know if I'd leave the relationship or not - whatever I do and he too, I hope it's fulfilling for both of us. There will always be a bond between he and me. I just think he'd be happier having relations with someone who's just like him - no emotional, sexual baggage to deal with. I think my wanting sex may change him to something he doesn't want to be, so I hope that tomorrow, he's at peace with the decisions he makes today. I wish this new sexuality was taught in sex-ed. I think it would help SO many people. It doesn't just affect asexuals, it affects everyone - that's why I'm on this site today. We're all connected in some way. I need to understand better than I do and asexuals need to be more self aware. Yes, society does have such a biased opinion about sex. That's unfortunate. I think we need to be more open about sex, but in a more objective way. No making fun, and it needs to be okay to be who you are.

Thanks.

[Lucy Locket]

I don't think it would be fair to comment on your situation itself, but if it answers your question, I would guess that kissing probably doesn't make him think of sex. Kissing is nice, whereas the mere thought of sex makes me want to run a mile. So I consider that kissing is a sweet way of showing affection by itself, it does NOT have to lead up to The Nightmare that is sex. Perhaps he feels the same?

[Dargon]

First off, Alice, I've looked through some of your other posts, and I do admire the lengths you are going through to understand your husband. There are so many out there who wouldn't go through all that you have.

As for your questions, let me start by saying that I consider myself to be a mostly aromantic asexual male, so what I say will not be from experience, but from thought and observation.

First off, concerning going from being "liberated" to having a "problem." From what you have said, your husband does indeed sound asexual to me, and discovering there are others like him, and that he is not broken, was likely an awesome experience, as it was for many, many of the asexuals here. But from what it sounds, he understands you enjoy sex with him. It is true that Joy Davidson mentioned some disorders that have lack of sexual desire as symptoms (one I recall was Asperger's, which is arguable on whether or not it is a "disorder," and there is no "cure"). Perhaps you husband brings this up because he wants to please you, and he is trying to find something wrong with him that can be "fixed" so he can enjoy sex and please you more. Truely it sounds to me like despite this difference in sexuality, you two have great love for each other.

As for the kissing, there are many asexuals who enjoy it, but it does not relate in any way with them to sex. I personally have never experienced it, but I can admire the beauty of nudity without any sexual thought. In the same way you have difficulty with the thought of kissing not bringing up ideas of sex, many asexuals have difficulty with the idea of kissing bringing up ideas of sex.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks Lucy Locket and Dargon. I guess my husband doesn't think of kissing as sexual.

I told my husband about the first post from jr1 about how no matter how much you try to make a particular food you don't like taste better, you're still not going to like it, no matter what you do to it. He said that's a good analogy for his feelings about sex.

Thanks to all for the input!

[bbctv]

i'm an asexual male who has had romantic feelings in the past. i kind of liked hugging, cuddling, and light kissing (not on the lips) but that's just since somehow that seems too far for me. i say HAS HAD romantic feelings since due to rather bad psychiatric problems i've had a few personality/ life policy changes and i don't know if such feelings could be replicated again.

anyway, it's nice that you're trying so hard to understand, i hope he tries to understand you too. a lot of people have felt liberated just since they felt that NOT liking sex meant they had some sort of issues of "repression" whereas it's more that they think "well, at least it's sort of okay to say you don't have interest in sex, and nobody thinks you need therapy or hormone treatments."

[l'héros]

I don't think it would be fair to comment on your situation itself, but if it answers your question, I would guess that kissing probably doesn't make him think of sex. Kissing is nice, whereas the mere thought of sex makes me want to run a mile. So I consider that kissing is a sweet way of showing affection by itself, it does NOT have to lead up to The Nightmare that is sex. Perhaps he feels the same?

This. I'm a heteroromantic asexual, and kissing never equated to sex for me. I see them as two different things entirely, not one part of some whole.

I am open to the idea of kissing (though I've never kissed anyone), and I would like to hold someone, but I am absolutely repulsed by the idea of having sex.