How did you come to terms with being aromantic?

[aki427]

I am asexual and I've known that since I was 13 years old (now I'm well into my 20's) I'm perfectly comfortable with this label. Now I'm in a relationship and starting to wonder if I am aromantic as well. Every person I've ever dated, I've broken up with around the 6 month mark and this one doesn't feel any different. I don't have any reason to break up with this person. They are perfectly nice, respect my boundaries, we share similar hobbies, and I have fun being around them. They really like me. But I hate the romantic part of our relationship. I wish we could just be friends. 

 

This always happens to me, no matter how much I truly want to have a relationship like everyone else does. I thought my issues might be because I was a lesbian and was dating men, but that doesn't seem to be the case either. I hate holding hands. I hate kissing. I tried to write them a love letter for Christmas, but I couldn't do it. I like them, but I don't think I like them the way I am supposed to. It feels like being aromantic would make my whole life make more sense. It's hard for me to understand romance in books and movies. I'll even get annoyed if too much romance plot pops up in fantasy/sci-fi books that I read. I've never really had a crush. All my past relationships started because the other person confessed that they liked me, and I couldn't find a reason I didn't like them. I wanted a relationship so I always accepted, but I don't think I like dating. I'm always happier when I'm single and it's not like I've been in an abusive relationship. Everyone I date is always nice to me, but I can't do it. 

 I should be happy because I won't have to keep trying at something I don't like, but instead I just feel this sense of loss.  I might not understand romantic movies, but I always thought I'd have my own love story too. I feel bad about breaking up with my partner as well. They haven't done anything wrong. I am the one who can't make things work, just like I always have been. If you're aromantic and asexual how did you come to terms with it? I'm not really sure what to do. I just feel sad right now. 

[Slugcat]

I honestly didn't come to terms with it, I just realized one day "you know I'm probably aro too" when I was randomly thinking about if I wanted to date anyone. I'm not saddened by it because I don't feel like I need romance in my life, I'm happy just making friends online.

 

I hope things get better for you.

[chris_error]

You sound pretty aro to me, imo. 

 

I think it can be sort of a “grass is greener on the other side” situation when it comes to being either aroace or just ace. Like, being an ace with romantic feelings can be kind of a nuisance considering for most people romance is intrinsically tied to sexuality… 

But I totally understand that feeling of “missing out” even though you don’t even want those things to begin with. Just try to remember; you don’t actually want that, so you’re literally not missing out. Try not to let amatonormativity bog you down too much.

[Janus the Fox]

Not difficult where there is nothing in mind that was lost to begin with.

[neelc]

For me, my mom was very well pushing dating. Before then, I thought dating was something that was to be done since it's the norm, but when I was pressured to do it, I felt a lot of anxiety. Dating and romance almost feels like an obligation, something I don't want to do but am being forced to. I realized I'm aromantic since then.

 

I came out as aromantic to my brother and mom, but then moved on with my life. Two years later my mom is asking me to date again, seemly she forgot I'm aro, and I feel anxiety inside me again.

 

If I accept that I don't want a life partner, I feel calm and stress-free. If I feel a need to "date", I feel anxiety inside me.

 

She is trying to use my autism to erase my aro identity, she claims to be "worried" for "what happens when I die" or "I want you to feel 'love'" without asking for what I want for myself. Even other people's relationships made me feel embarrassed, that says enough.

[The French Unicorn]

7 hours ago, neelc said:

She is trying to use my autism to erase my aro identity, she claims to be "worried" for "what happens when I die" or "I want you to feel 'love'" without asking for what I want for myself.

I read this article about how therapy for autistic kids is arophobic and is denying the autistic people's needs or wants to make them fit societal norms. Maybe your mum should read it.

[neelc]

9 hours ago, The French Unicorn said:

I read this article about how therapy for autistic kids is arophobic and is denying the autistic people's needs or wants to make them fit societal norms. Maybe your mum should read it.

Good read. Fortunately I never had to go through ABA 🥳.

 

One problem with my mom is that she thinks romance is a must-have when it's not. She even redefined "aromantic" to push a partner anyways, by defining "romance" as the "love in Paris" kind rather than what romance really is.

 

She asks my (autistic/trans) brother, and dad, both who are single to date too. She even asks me to ask my dad to date.

 

My brother is less visibly autistic than I am, but since I live with my mom while he doesn't, I face more pressure than him.

[Guest]

Hi! I'm hugely starting to suspect that I'm aro. I've been having various feelings about it as well. Even though the possibility of going solo was always in my mind from a young age the societal blueprint of "date, get married, have kids, this leads to happiness" is still very strong.

 

I recently discovered the Solo podcast. They have an episode about an alternative story for people who enjoy life more being unpartnered - https://petermcgraw.org/the-solos-promise/

 

I also found this article to be great as it dispels common myths and goes into some fears that people often have, offering new perspectives on them: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202212/the-unsung-joy-of-living-alone

 

I don't know how helpful this will be for you, but personally I find that there is much power in hearing alternative narratives.

 

[Mihiko]

As a child I never have much interest in "romantic things". Dating, marriage, flirting, romance etc... However, I believed that it will happen one day, that I'm a late starter, too high expectations, I'm scared od commitment. My family wasn't pressing me but it was obvious thing for everybody it will happen someday. So I was just left alone with this and I didn't like to think too much of it and I didn't.

After moving to England, meeting more people and learning more about queer community, someone asked me on a first date. And I accepted thinking he wanted to hang out like friends... well he didn't and I was really, really uncomfortable (one of the worst experience of my life). He never contacted me again, and knowing about the term aromantic, I began to reflect on what I had been trying to ignore so far.

It took me another couple of months to comes to terms with the fact. And that I somehow need to tell this to my family and friends. But I'm happy that I understand myself more and I don't need to feel obligated to do sth I don't like.