Has anyone come to terms with being alone forever? Any tips?

[I_Am_Pyramid]

I'm not being sarcastic or anything so sorry if the title sounds a bit blunt, and I know lots of asexuals are in strong, commited relationships, but I sort of feel lilke I want to be alone as much as possible and I'd appreciate any tips or advice anyone has for abandoning the modern idea of a family and getting used to living just for me.

 

I've got some hobbies but I don't think they'll carry me through to death or anything

[illumi]

i mean. maybe? ive already came to the terms that im never getting a romantic nor sexual partner; let alone getting married. i only have friends and im already satisfied with it; in fact im planning to live tgt with my friend group in the future. but if thats never going to happen then idk how to cope with having no social life. im already a loner in school so i think ill just maintain my online friendships if i cant live with them irl; thats all the comfort i can get for being alone

[I_Am_Pyramid]

1 minute ago, sevan said:

i mean. maybe? ive already came to the terms that im never getting a romantic nor sexual partner; let alone getting married. i only have friends and im already satisfied with it; in fact im planning to live tgt with my friend group in the future. but if thats never going to happen then idk how to cope with having no social life. im already a loner in school so i think ill just maintain my online friendships if i cant live with them irl; thats all the comfort i can get for being alone

The idea of marriage is extremely unappealing to me and I don't even think it's because I'm ace. I'd love to live with friends but I only have one close friend who's currently in a relationship so that's clearly never going anywhere lol

[Guest]

What is it that you find difficult? You say that you want to be alone. Are people around you putting pressure on you? Do you have to unlearn internalized ideas? Something else?

[Rain dancer81]

I have met a lot of wonderful, like-minded animal loving people volunteering at an animal rescue. Find something that brings you joy and then find your people. Like books? Join a book club. You could volunteer at a nursing home, botanical gardens. Join a sports club if that’s your thing. I was thinking of joining a running club in 2023 as well. Best wishes 🌈❤️ 

[illumi]

41 minutes ago, I_Am_Pyramid said:

The idea of marriage is extremely unappealing to me and I don't even think it's because I'm ace. I'd love to live with friends but I only have one close friend who's currently in a relationship so that's clearly never going anywhere lol

yes. marriage is unnecessary. i dont think one should spend thousands of dollars on pieces of paper and even a full scale celebration; just be together? why go thru all that trouble? marriage is the reason why i think romance is tiring in the first place. theres way too much work

[Lord Jade Cross]

I dont think you need to "come to terms with being forever alone" (we really need to drop that label) if you have no interest in relationships in the first place.

 

I can understand the pressure there is to follow suit so to speak, but at the end of the day, all those people who pressure, all the people who claim relationship/marriage is a "must" and that youre going to "miss out of THE best life experience" (and we already have alot of those 🙄) wont be sticking around if things dont work out. They wont offer you a helping hand or a shoulder for support if things go awry. So why bother trying to please the status quo?  

[Shoro]

I had decided I was going to be alone forever from about 20 years old to 34 years old. My goal was to have enough money to afford my hobbies. I wanted good internet and a nice computer and tv. I committed to that for many years as you can see. 
 

I am in an Asexual relationship now, so I can’t give further advice, sorry 😞 

[I_Am_Pyramid]

1 hour ago, Lilika said:

What is it that you find difficult? You say that you want to be alone. Are people around you putting pressure on you? Do you have to unlearn internalized ideas? Something else?

I just feel like I've been so conditioned to the idea of marriage and kids that I don't know how to fully embrace living alone. I want it, but I'm not sure how to fill the time. It's not a difficult decision or anything, but I want to make my life as meaningful as possible so I don't look at everyone else and think they're better off for being partnered and doing all the basic stuff

[Phalena]

1 hour ago, sevan said:

yes. marriage is unnecessary. i dont think one should spend thousands of dollars on pieces of paper and even a full scale celebration; just be together? why go thru all that trouble? marriage is the reason why i think romance is tiring in the first place. theres way too much work

That way of looking at weddings is very new. Marriage is mostly managing taxes and assets and having someone that commits to taking care of the other in case of emergency or illness as well as making sure that neither just bails after a child is born. It's always been about a safety net and securing a certain standard of living. (Well, and not looking like 'leftovers' that nobody wanted).

[LeChat]

(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi. Welcome! I'm just letting you know I've moved your thread from the Welcome Lounge to the "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations" forum.

 

LeChat,

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[Guest]

29 minutes ago, I_Am_Pyramid said:

I just feel like I've been so conditioned to the idea of marriage and kids that I don't know how to fully embrace living alone. I want it, but I'm not sure how to fill the time. It's not a difficult decision or anything, but I want to make my life as meaningful as possible so I don't look at everyone else and think they're better off for being partnered and doing all the basic stuff

Removing conditioning takes time. You could repeat a daily phrase like "I'm allowed to live for myself" or "partnering isn't a requirement for a fulfilled social life". It's banal but I do find that these things work in shifting my perspective over time.

 

Meaning is a deeply personal concept, I think. What's meaningful to one person may seem pointless to the other. Having time is an opportunity! You can double down on an existing hobby or pick up something entirely new. Some people will want a close knit circle of friends they spend lots of time with. Maybe you want to do an act of kindness every day.  Maybe you'd like to keep a pet or feed your local birds. There are so many options!

[Guest]

I still believe I can find someone

 

when I was younger I said once, "oh, I wouldn't be upset if I never found someone" now though, I think I would be disappointed. Even if only a permanent roomate, I just feel like it's better to live with someone I care about than it is to live alone in old age.

 

 

[Eutierria]

5 hours ago, I_Am_Pyramid said:

getting used to living just for me.

I don't know your background but if you've only ever lived for yourself & want to continue doing that...it might feel joyless but really depends on how you see the world. 

 

I grew up conditioned to want marriage & children. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I realised that I didn't even want those things. I am capable of being committed without marriage & able to care for other's children as if they were mine. It's not important to me. 

 

Whatever has meaning for you - follow that. 

 

A sense of community is really important for me. I belong to different communities which sometimes intersects. I have grown fond of a lot of people from these communities & strangers at one point have now become some of my closest friends. 

 

6 hours ago, I_Am_Pyramid said:

feel like I want to be alone as much as possible

You can have relationship(s) / friendship(s) which could allow you to do this. 

[The Abhorred]

One reason why many people feel lonely nowadays, beyond the personal difficulties each of us has in socializing, is that societies are built around the old institution of the nuclear family. More individuals express the need for new types of family where the bonds between their members will not be pretendermined, with the sense that if two people decide to have a child together it won't be necessary for them to be a couple.
What you're talking about, I believe, concerns a lot of people who don't want to be members of the old type of family, but they also don't want to be completely alone. Solutions may be invented in the near future, perhaps a more special type of cohabitation which is more organized and won't be based on a temporary need, -I can't afford to live alone. I have many thoughts on the subject but I'm too lazy to analyze them.

For your question, it would be useful to share with us what you think you will miss the most. Is it the shared life and experiences that a family has? To have someone to take care of and take care of you?

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, I_Am_Pyramid said:

I've got some hobbies but I don't think they'll carry me through to death or anything

And for me that's exactly what allows me to be happy despite not even knowing how to form relationships. Except that I often dislike the word "hobbies" - topics such as philosophy, spirituality, psychedelic theory, feminism are more than just hobbies for me, they are my passions. I need relatively little contact with others; the perfect Friday evening for me? To sit at home, write philosophic reflections in my diary...

[The Abhorred]

40 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

they are my passions. I need relatively little contact with others; the perfect Friday evening for me? To sit at home, write philosophic reflections in my diary...

Didn't you ever had the wish to share your passions? Discuss these subjects with others who feel the same excitement as you.

I also like you want to have as little contact with others as possible but one of my most common daydreams is discussing philosophical subjects (ok I admit I sometimes just doing "interviews" of me expressing my theories of this and that 😄).

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 minute ago, The Abhorred said:

Didn't you ever had the wish to share your passions? Discuss these subjects with others who feel the same excitement as you.

Sure, and the problem is that I don't really know people who have the same level of excitement. But writing about it does a lot for me. Note that I never practiced childish customs of having imaginary friends or treating my diary as a confidant. Of course my diary is not a person, I write everything for myself and not for "telling my diary" something.

[The Abhorred]

8 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Sure, and the problem is that I don't really know people who have the same level of excitement.

Yeah, same  At least not irl. Good thing the internet exists.

 

 

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[The French Unicorn]

I don't know any tips except that it takes time.

 

And about making life meaningful, there are other ways to do it. So people as fulfil by their works, others by their hobbies, others by humanitary associations, others by their friends, others by their family... Possibilities are infinite and things have the meaning you want to attach to them.

[Another Sky]

I have almost always been alone because I am not a sociable person to begin with and not good at fitting in with my surroundings. But unfortunately, as long as I am alive, I always depend on others to live, so it is impossible for me to become alone. 

To me, it’s not quite the same between solitude and feeling isolated from surroundings. The former is necessary for self-care of my psyche. Feeling the latter is indeed painful, but I understand this implies my desire for someone who can relate to me with the feeling of loneliness. I am sorry if I am missing the point.

[The Abhorred]

6 hours ago, 168527 said:

I imagine conversations with the authors of the Western Canon.

Never heard of that book. 

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[iamorchid]

I’ve been alone by my own designs and social isolation for years, I have had a few girlfriends though

[ruch]

It can still be hard but I think what's helped me is seeing examples out there of happy single people of all ages, especially older than me. Seeing how fulfilled their lives seem, how they have hobbies and interests and friends, etc. And the flip side is seeing the reality that not every person in a relationship is happy. I'm sure you can easily find examples of that around you too. In particular for me, I look at married couples with kids and I know I want nothing to do with that.

 

And then I look at myself and all the things I'm able to do because I'm not attached and I really appreciate my freedom. At this point, I don't even want to have to negotiate my time with another person. I like that I can do whatever I want, pretty much whenever I want, however I want. I also feel like the best version of myself the way I am, for the most part. I have been with a certain someone before and felt he made me a better version of me in some way, but it's such a rare thing that I had that in a relationship (I think I may be grayromantic). Reminding myself of stuff like that helps me fight the silly societal conditioning that there's something wrong with single people.

 

Also, I think it helps to surround yourself with community. You'll always meet new friends if you have hobbies and interests, and seek out those who share them. My hobbies and interests have also changed throughout my life, so you'll likely find new ones in the future too.

[HappilyEverafter]

I've been trying to avoid those thoughts each time I start thinking along those lines to be honest. I mean, I am absolutely happy in the present, and I'll not need anyone for a long time. I've got several things going on and all that. 

 

But it's the thought of being alone in my old age that is sort of scary. 

 

For that matter, I personally know at least a few cis-heterosexual people who have chosen to stay single and never marry anyone, too. Several people are challenging the idea of marriage as a social construct.

 

Plus, I'm also childfree. A few "concerned" well-wishers (who have no idea about queer relationships but honestly care for me) have expressed concern about my choice saying I'd find it hard when I'd grow up to be old. I have no answers. Like I said, I'm running away from that question, but would be glad to know how to set up a practical, comfortable way of being single, satisfied and feeling secure in the long run.