Pansexual-Confusion/ Internal Homophobia/ Sex Fear

[GingerRose]

I am attracted to males and females and nonbinary people and people with any gender or lack of.

When I date, I date any gender or lack of, mentioned above. Part of me feels I just want to date women or people who don't have penises because part of me doesn't want sex (intercourse in this context) and frankly feels a bit afraid of it. But I'm not afraid of it for the act of it but because I am afraid that all the men or people who have penises will expect sex. I think I am afraid of that pressure. Obviously, a healthy partner wouldn't pressure their partner into anything they don't want, but I am afraid that I'll get very close and attracted to a man or person with a penis then realise that sex isn't for me and then what? Leave my partner unsatisfied? Have wasted my time with someone who isn't right for me and vice versa.? I feel that with a woman or person with a vagina, I wouldn't have that pressure for sex or expectation of it, as neither of us even have a penis anyway.

 

oh

 

But then the internal homophobia sets in and guilts me for not trying to date all the genders and lack of which I am attracted to. With such fearful thought that I will be missing out on dating someone with a penis or missing on sex if I don't at least try to date a man or person with penis.

 

The thought of sexual pressure or expectations haunt me. Sex (intercourse) is something I want to try, certainly not something I'm specifically looking for though. I hate that this is so hard for relationship finding.

[MarRister]

2 hours ago, GingerRose said:

 I feel that with a woman or person with a vagina, I wouldn't have that pressure for sex or expectation of it, as neither of us even have a penis anyway.

I'm curious why you feel this way about women, when they can want sex just as much as anyone with a penis? Or do you just mean specifically PiV sex and not all sex?

 

Obviously, pressuring anyone into sex is a bad thing to do though. I think the thing with dating is you have to be really firm with your boundaries, and if you feel you can be confident in that, expectations of others will be less scary, because their expectations are theirs, not yours and you can correct their expectations that don't align with your own and vice versa. Easier said than done though. It is also helpful to have up front talks around expectations before getting into any relationship, ensuring everyone is on the same page going in, and then continuing that communication throughout as people's feelings on things can change. 

 

I think you may want to revisit what is a waste of time as well. We all learn from relationships, even those that don't work. Not every relationship has to have the potential of forever to be worthwhile. My most valuable relationship to date was a casual one that only lasted for 2-3 months, but taught me a whole lot about myself and I don't regret it for a second, despite it not turning into anything more serious and me not being ready for it to end when it did. Even the ones that I found less valuable, still have value to me and I wouldn't take any of them back, even if I sometimes fall into thinking some were a waste. And I don't mean to say to use people to grow/learn, but that we cannot know the future and sometimes we just need to jump in and figure things out as we go. 

[Philip027]

Hate to break it to you, but females are just as capable of desiring sex as males.  If you're looking for a relationship with another female simply to avoid that "pressure", you are likely going to be disappointed.

 

If anything, males might just be more upfront and potentially obnoxious about it, but I feel like a lot of that stems from the supposedly testosterone-infused adolescent stage and being surrounded by it in environments like high school, and the impression that experience has left behind.

[Ceebs]

Work on the assumption that people of any physical sex or gender identity will, at some point, want sex to be part of a romantic relationship unless they explicitly state otherwise.

[GingerRose]

18 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Work on the assumption that people of any physical sex or gender identity will, at some point, want sex to be part of a romantic relationship unless they explicitly state otherwise.

I think my English failed me here. I understand that women can desire sex just as much as men. I mean physically, in a lesbian relationship there isn't the anatomy of a natural penis, so sex for lesbian relationships is different.

[nanogretchen4]

You are never obligated to date anyone for any reason. Some people may be equally attracted to every imaginable gender, but most people have preferences. Even if you are equally attracted to every gender, not wanting to have PiV sex is a perfectly good reason to prefer dating partners without penises. If you find yourself in a really great relationship with a person of whatever gender and you want to settle down with that person, that's wonderful. You don't have date all the genders before you can choose a person.