Taking off the Rose-colored glasses...

[AliceInWonderland]

When I met my husband, I didn't know he was asexual. "Of course, this guy desires sex and with me too since he wants to be with me, and if he doesn't, he will soon because he just won't be able to resist the urge for sex for too long", I thought to myself.

When we did have sex, I thought he enjoyed it as much as I did. I mean, I was not experienced with it, so it was a little uncomfortable for me but it was always a desire for me, so I always enjoyed it. Not only was it sex, but it was also a show of affection, that someone else felt a desire for me and wanted to have fun with me and wanted me to have fun with them, right? So, when the sex dwindled, I thought it was me, at first. Then I thought maybe he was having affairs. "Afterall, you don't just quit having sex just because you're not interested, do you?", I thought. There must be a good reason. So, I tried discussing it with him. He was evasive. He would smile and say something like, "We'll do it next week" and "Do we have to talk about it right now?". After asking a lot of times on a regular basis, I finally realized that next week was never going to come. This was really confusing to me. "What do I do next?", I thought. So then I tried discussing it with someone I work with. She turned around and told others in the office. So, suddenly I was the laughing stock of the office. I'll be forever ingrained in my co-workers heads as the woman who tried to undermine my husband by broadcasting his problems. I was just trying to find some insight because I was baffled as to what was happening, and doing some venting in what I thought was a positive way. I was not trying to "tell" on my husband.

Throughout the years, I would try discussing this with others like my mother, a therapist, etc. As I recall, I'd usually be met with silence or some other answer that would lead me nowhere. I think back now and wonder if these women I talked to thought of my questions as my attempt to tell on my husband for not treating me right. Instead, I was trying to seek insight and find some answers.

So, now years later, I said to my husband, "Why don't we start having sex again?" He said something like, "Well, I never enjoyed it much in the first place". "What???" I thought to myself. So, I said, "Well, you used to. I remember it very well". His reply was something like, "Oh, I did?". Since this conversation, he has made several visits to the dr. to get viagra and testosterone which he didn't use at first. To me, this was more rejection than before. Then, he finally used both but still doesn't want to have sex. So, that's the point where I started to realize it's in his head, not his genitals. It's not going to change. To me, his going to the dr. in the first place tells me that he didn't truly know what was going on with his own self, so how was I to know what was going on?

Now, after all of this, he finally found someone to identify with. He watched Montel and now realizes he could relate to what these asexuals talked about. He said it was like receiving a special gift. There was finally someone out there he could identify with. This clears up some questions and issues for him and me. I'm better off now that I know and so is he, but what about me? Now, he's trying to "change", but I don't think that can really happen. He is who he is.

At this point, my question is, if he didn't know how different he and I were when we met and I didn't either, how will I know if I meet and have a relationship with someone else? I mean, without bluntly asking the first man I'm attracted to, how will I know? I don't think I should be asking someone I first meet, "Do you like having sex?" Even if I did, would they really know if they're like my husband and don't know their own selves that well?

Am I making sense?

[rosalie]

Hi there!

Yes, it makes sense and I guess it's normal that you now wonder if you meet someone else whether this other person is into sex or not, but luckily for you, most people are sexual, so the chances that you end up meeting and start a new relationship again with someone who is asexual are pretty slim, at least according to statistics...

[CopyFox]

Hi there!

Yes, it makes sense and I guess it's normal that you now wonder if you meet someone else whether this other person is into sex or not, but luckily for you, most people are sexual, so the chances that you end up meeting and start a new relationship again with someone who is asexual are pretty slim, at least according to statistics...

This is very true. For every 100 people you meet, only one of them will be asexual, and for each of those asexuals you meet, less than half will be male. The odds of you hooking up with another asexual are very low. If you're still scared, then I might suggest that you be open about the issues you had with your asexual husband. If they are having the same feelings as an asexual without knowing what the term means, then they will hopefully then be frank with you.

I think you have been treated unfairly by the people you confided in, but I'm glad you've found this site, where you can meet people who are going through the same situation as you are. Good luck.

[jr1]

Sorry the people at work weren't more discreet. I hope you find true happiness whether it is with your husband or someone new

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi there!

Yes' date=' it makes sense and I guess it's normal that you now wonder if you meet someone else whether this other person is into sex or not, but luckily for you, most people are sexual, so the chances that you end up meeting and start a new relationship again with someone who is asexual are pretty slim, at least according to statistics...[/quote']

This is very true. For every 100 people you meet, only one of them will be asexual, and for each of those asexuals you meet, less than half will be male. The odds of you hooking up with another asexual are very low. If you're still scared, then I might suggest that you be open about the issues you had with your asexual husband. If they are having the same feelings as an asexual without knowing what the term means, then they will hopefully then be frank with you.

Thanks Copyfox. I guess bringing up asexuality is one way to educate another about it. Where you wrote in another post to me that, "....knowledge is power", I can use that in this case too.

Thanks to all of you for your posts. :D

[live wire]

Hello there Alice. I'm in a blunt mood so I'll give you a few thoughts on this:

First, eat this

Secondly - that woman in your office is the one who "undermined your husband by broadcasting his problems" when she told the rest of your office. :? If she wants to speak to you about something I want you to be the bigger woman and tell her that you're better than to do the same in revenge...

Third point. You love your husband. You married him and you seem not to want him to change for you. That's a lot more than most sexual people would say to their asexual partners (just read the ranting forum). Are you sure you even want to spend your life away from him completely? The word "compromise" is used a lot on AVEN in these situations. Would it be beneficial to you both to open the relationship? that would allow you to sleep with other people while still having a loving relationship with him.

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi live wire and thanks for the cake and your support.

I don't want to let him go completely, but it might happen that way. I have brought up the "what if" sceniaro to him about having an open relationship and he told me that I'd be the one sinning if I did that.

[CopyFox]

Hi live wire and thanks for the cake and your support.

I don't want to let him go completely, but it might happen that way. I have brought up the "what if" sceniaro to him about having an open relationship and he told me that I'd be the one sinning if I did that.

That's not a very nice response from him. Is that all he said?

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi live wire and thanks for the cake and your support.

I don't want to let him go completely, but it might happen that way. I have brought up the "what if" sceniaro to him about having an open relationship and he told me that I'd be the one sinning if I did that.

That's not a very nice response from him. Is that all he said?

Yes. That's it. The way I brought it up to him was that I said to him when we were talking about sex, "What if I have an affair?" That's when he said I'd be the one sinning. So, I replied to him that I believe the greater sin than having an affair might be being unhappy.

I believe he would hold it against me if I were to have an affair, so there's no compromise there. Anyway, I'd really rather not feel like a, well you know, a sl*t. I'd rather have a meaninful relationship but with sex too and not just settle like I'm currently doing, but I'm torn between feeling badly for my husband and wanting to be myself sexually. I keep hoping I'll run across a post that will trigger something in me to suddenly see things in a different light.

[CopyFox]

Hi live wire and thanks for the cake and your support.

I don't want to let him go completely, but it might happen that way. I have brought up the "what if" sceniaro to him about having an open relationship and he told me that I'd be the one sinning if I did that.

That's not a very nice response from him. Is that all he said?

Yes. That's it. The way I brought it up to him was that I said to him when we were talking about sex, "What if I have an affair?" That's when he said I'd be the one sinning. So, I replied to him that I believe the greater sin than having an affair might be being unhappy.

I believe he would hold it against me if I were to have an affair, so there's no compromise there. Anyway, I'd really rather not feel like a, well you know, a sl*t. I'd rather have a meaninful relationship but with sex too and not just settle like I'm currently doing, but I'm torn between feeling badly for my husband and wanting to be myself sexually. I keep hoping I'll run across a post that will trigger something in me to suddenly see things in a different light.

I totally don't blame you. If I were in your opinion I'd want the same thing. I dunno, there's gotta be something to do. If he were okay with being sexual with you...you've told him you aren't satisfied sexually, right?

[live wire]

I said to him when we were talking about sex, "What if I have an affair?" That's when he said I'd be the one sinning.

Now I wouldn't really call it sinning (or an affair actually) if he knows and is ok with it. As long as everyone keeps talking then it could work out. He doesn't see it like that but that's just him.

With the idea of compromise out of the window, time to try a different tack. Your relationship may not work in sexual terms but how about in the romantic and platonic senses? It might be good to stay friends even if you end the relationship. That way you can both live separate lives while still keeping the other around.

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi CopyFox.

Yes, I've told him I'm not sexually satisfied.

Hi Live Wire.

I hope it will be that simple when/if it ends.

I wish I had 360 degree awareness. There's a lot of emotion involved with this, and I don't think either of us can see what's before us for what it really is. I don't want to be motivated out of fear. When that happens, I react negatively. I need to find that part of me that is non-reactive to pressure. I want to be motivated out of inspiration and happiness. I keep hoping I'll be provided with some clarity of thoughts.

[KAGU143]

Hi live wire and thanks for the cake and your support.

I don't want to let him go completely, but it might happen that way. I have brought up the "what if" scenario to him about having an open relationship and he told me that I'd be the one sinning if I did that.

Alice, I don't usually get involved in this forum or these discussions, and I no longer even consider myself Christian, but I am still familiar enough with the Bible that this quote from your husband bothers me.

According to 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, the husband has a responsibility to "render the affection due" his wife, and "likewise the husband does not have responsibility over his own body, the wife does." The rest of this chapter makes it clear that the subject is sex within marriage.

He really doesn't have any right to suggest that YOU would be sinning since it his OWN sin which would be causing you to consider it. For the record, I don't consider either his behavior OR yours to be sin, but if a person wants to invoke the concept of sin as a means to control the behavior of others then I think that they should hold themselves to the same standard. This is only a philosophical point, of course.

In reality, asexuals can no more force themselves to want sex than straight people can force themselves to want sex with their own gender. It might be possible to perform, given sufficient cause, but wanting to do so would be another matter entirely.

Personally, I am not in favor of marriage between a sexual and an asexual, at least not in most cases, because I think the long-term prospect is pretty miserable for both parties. I do understand how it can happen accidentally, though, especially with those from a religious background, because asexuality is still so little known and rarely discussed. A person who has been raised with the understanding that sex outside marriage is wrong may simply assume that sexual desire will magically appear on the night of the honeymoon. When it doesn't, the guilt, fear, confusion, and self-loathing can be enormous. ('been there, done that ...)

Your husband's initial joy in hearing about asexuality makes sense, but so does his subsequent desire to distance himself from it once the reality of what it means sank in. It sounds to me like he is afraid to admit to being asexual because it would mean admitting that he is unable to change. He may even see it as a terrible personal failure and a betrayal of his marriage vows.

I don't have any great advise to offer to either of you, but if you can very gently coax him to visit this site he might learn something that would help you both. There are some "mixed" couples at AVEN who have managed to keep their marriages intact and, apparently, happy.

Understanding, communication, compromise, and unconditional love are the keys to success - not just in sexual/asexual relationships, but in all kinds.

I wish you both the best.

-GB

[CopyFox]

Well said, GBRD143. :vis: Have a medal, lol.

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks for your post, GBRD143 - especially the parts about sin. That was very enlightening. Also, the concept of going back on the marriage vows does seem to bother him right now. When I read a couple of posts aloud to him one night about one asexual telling another that she shouldn't have sex with her husband if she doesn't want to, that really bothered him. He said that was not right for her to tell the married woman that. So, I think he's a little confused right now. I did ask him for sex again the other night, and he said, "no" almost without thought - like he was more sure than ever now. But, at the same time, he keeps questioning me as though he thinks there's a boyfriend. I even overheard him telling his sister, "one of Alice's boyfriends..." So, he does it in a joking manner, but I can tell that he's not joking. In some ways, we get along so well, but I'm confused about a lot of things right now.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. They've helped me put things in a little bit better perspective.

[CopyFox]

Thanks for your post, GBRD143 - especially the parts about sin. That was very enlightening. Also, the concept of going back on the marriage vows does seem to bother him right now. When I read a couple of posts aloud to him one night about one asexual telling another that she shouldn't have sex with her husband if she doesn't want to, that really bothered him. He said that was not right for her to tell the married woman that. So, I think he's a little confused right now. I did ask him for sex again the other night, and he said, "no" almost without thought - like he was more sure than ever now. But, at the same time, he keeps questioning me as though he thinks there's a boyfriend. I even overheard him telling his sister, "one of Alice's boyfriends..." So, he does it in a joking manner, but I can tell that he's not joking. In some ways, we get along so well, but I'm confused about a lot of things right now.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. They've helped me put things in a little bit better perspective.

Sounds like he's trying to handle this extraordinary situation conventionally, and that's just not going to work.

[AliceInWonderland]

Sounds like he's trying to handle this extraordinary situation conventionally, and that's just not going to work.

Yes, I agree.