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Do you get treated as immature or underdeveloped for being asexual?


Picklethewickle

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Picklethewickle

Once people reach a certain age we are often expected to have many relationships under our belts, to be in a committed relationship, or to be ready to settle down. 

 

Do you ever get treated as immature for not having "enough" experience or for not being interested in relationships? I'm at the asexually-awkward mid-point where I'm too old to be accused of being a late-bloomer but not old enough to be dismissed as too old for relationships. Sometimes I run into attitudes like "Oh, you decided to stay a kid forever!" or "You're so innocent and simple."

 

Has that happened to anyone else?

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Yes! As a person on the aroace spectrum, a lot of people have told me that it's a phase or I'm just confused. I've never felt attraction to someone, whether that's romantic or sexual, until I got to know them on a personal level (I'm demi-aroace)

 

 

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Lord Jade Cross

All the damn time. Its why I started lying about it. Making up some sob story so that people would back off, at least to some degree

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Fraggle Underdark

Yep and I'm not even ace just demisexual.

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Picklethewickle
35 minutes ago, TormentDubz said:

I get treated as subhuman

OUCH!

 

All of you, these are such sad stories.

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1 hour ago, Picklethewickle said:

Do you ever get treated as immature for not having "enough" experience or for not being interested in relationships?

I was in a relationship for 10+yrs & was put off by relationships after that so not so much seen as "immature" for those who're aware. 

 

1 hour ago, Picklethewickle said:

"You're so innocent and simple."

I get this too, until I voice strong opinions & they realise I'm actually very aware of complex situations. 

 

1 hour ago, Picklethewickle said:

"Oh, you decided to stay a kid forever!"

This one bugs me, because it would be equally rude to point out that they chose (for those who did choose) their life which is different from ours & we have had to make different sacrifices but somehow one is seen as 'the way to be'. 

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I feel young, so this isn't as big an issue for me.  My best friend is also ace and autistic, and my virtual son also feels young, so I feel right at home.

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Blueberry Pie
3 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

Sometimes I run into attitudes like "Oh, you decided to stay a kid forever!" or "You're so innocent and simple."

It doesn't happen too often yet because I'm in my early 20s, but I've had people call me innocent or be surprised when I make a sex joke, which can be frustrating. I've had people mix up aromantic and asexual or treat the two identities as the same thing too, which is also frustrating.

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One advantage of being ancient is no-one dares challenge me on grounds of being immature - I've always said my brain is still 17 (which it is), and I'When I want to be behave like a child, I will - need to make up for lost time 

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VanishingLady

I'm a Black woman, so people (esp White people) just assume that I can and will fuck anything on two legs. I get people not really believing I'm ace (I'm actually demipan) and it's a struggle to get them to understand that I'm not interested in sex with strangers, I don't do hook-ups, and on top of that I have no desire for marriage/kids. That assumption that I have kids started when I was a teenager (all that concern trolling about teenage pregnancy back in the 80s-90s), and the assumption was that I was sexually active while I was adamant that I wasn't. The other thing was the assumption that I wanted it even as I was protesting that I just wanted to be left alone.

 

Something to think about: BIPOC people are hypersexualized by this White supremacist world, and we're never really seen as children even when we are. The reverse happens with us.

 

As for other Black people, I get that bullshit about being a good Christian (I'm not a Christian) or get virtually patted on the head for wanting to be "pure".  I do get condescended to because I'm not interested in sex, but that's them being ignorant. I stopped caring a long time ago.

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Picklethewickle

VanishingLady, it sounds like you are getting hit with every kind of stereotype, all of them bad. I wish I could make those things go away. All I really have the power to do is not be a racist or a judgemental asshole myself, but that never feels like enough.

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Not immature (I'm kind of old for that label) I get labeled dishonest-like humans are supposed to be sexual and me saying I can't see why anyone would do such a thing denies the belief that humans are sexual therefore I get labeled "in denial" or "dishonest"  or sometimes greedy -like I am withholding something that is owed to another human.

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Picklethewickle
32 minutes ago, Frogster said:

Not immature (I'm kind of old for that label) I get labeled dishonest-like humans are supposed to be sexual and me saying I can't see why anyone would do such a thing denies the belief that humans are sexual therefore I get labeled "in denial" or "dishonest"  or sometimes greedy -like I am withholding something that is owed to another human.

That's even worse, poor friend. I hate that as bad as "repressed".

 

Why can't people get that nobody owes them sex? Also, why don't they realize this is the attitude that creates and enables sexual predators?

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BIPOC here from a poc majority country where I can't remember the last time I saw a white person in real life. Pocs hypersexualize each other just fine on their own AND also expect you to act sexual. 

 

My experiences of being seen as innocent, immature, prude is too much to list.

All I will say is I have been in some fked up situations, fked up my life, paid the price for it. I am not innocent but I will always be innocent just because I am not attracted to anyone physically.

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I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual. I've never been in the type of situation to know for sure, but I'd be pretty surprised if I end up being completely straight or asexual.

Anyways, people act like I'm hyper-innocent all the time. Sometimes, it's nice, because I hate listening to sex jokes, but it's not so cool when one of your actual best friends honestly believes that you're incapable of romance, just because you dislike hearing about sex and don't get aroused as easily as everyone else.

Plus, the number of times that I've asked a question and been told "you're too innocent," even by close friends, is ridiculous.

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Still, it looks like a lot of people here have it much worse.

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Yes, and talked down to ( usually by the ones whose life is a mess, so that's the only hook they've got on me).

Asexuals can be more sex and life experienced than some allos, so it's a case by case situation.

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Picklethewickle
5 hours ago, Lilibulero said:

Asexuals can be more sex and life experienced than some allos, so it's a case by case situation.

Yes! Being asexual doesn't stop people from having experiences, and it's nice to see that pointed out.

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12 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

Yes! Being asexual doesn't stop people from having experiences, and it's nice to see that pointed out.

In my experience, not having an orientation means much more time to explore other things in life, so, thanks for your kind assessment.

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  • 2 weeks later...

To OP, you don't mention how old you are.

I can say, I did get treated as, I dunno, perhaps more juvenile or immature when I was quite a bit younger--say, in my late teens through mid-20s or maybe even very early 30s--because of my lack of relationship experience and knowledge.  I didn't even know about asexuality at the time, much less have that available as a label for myself, but I did know that I was uninterested in sexuality in the same way that everyone else apparently was.

Anyhow, I say that as a precursor to, I'm now in my mid 40s and it's a total non-issue.

 

For the people who know that I'm ace, it's a non-issue because they are mostly the type of socially aware progressive types who understand that there are lots of different kinds of sexualities in the world.

For the people who don't know--because, for example, they are casual acquaintances whom I just haven't mentioned it to (I'm generally out, but I'm not loud about it and only mention it if it's relevant), they just fundamentally don't care because it's pretty normal for someone of my age to be single and just enjoy being single for a while.  That can happen for all kinds of reasons.  Someone living a lifestyle with a lot of travel or something that doesn't lend itself to a partnered life, or people who are recently out of a long relationship and taking time to be alone and recoup for a while, or whatever.  So it's just no big deal.  I don't get treated any particular way.  

 

 

I will say, I sometimes find almost the exact opposite response from women, especially younger women, when they ask if I have a partner and I say no, and they ask whether I'm looking and I say no, and I comment that I'm doing just fine on my own, and these women will make a comment something to the effect of  how it's so great to know that there are such strong independent women who have so much self confidence that they can just live their best life on their own.  Or whatever.  Themes like that.
And I don't really know what to do with feedback like this.  On the one hand, the people who share these perspectives with me are trying to say something complimentary.  On the other hand, I don't really think they're correct.  I don't think I'm necessarily such a "strong independent woman," or, to the extent that I am one, I don't think it has anything to do with whether I am seeking a long-term partner.  The truth is, sometimes I get lonely or want that kind of support system because we all go through times when we are lonely or want a different kind of support system.  And I'm sure that if I had a long term romantic partner, that that would fill some (though not all) of that need.  But nevertheless, what these young woman see in me is a role model for how to be a strong independent woman!  And, you know what?  More power to them.  If the lesson that they learn from me is that it is possible to successfully navigate life without partnering, then, whether they choose to partner or not, they have learned an important lesson that I am proud to have played a part in teaching!

 

 

 

Well, I've kind of gone on a tangent there.  But my main point is to say, I have experienced what you describe, though perhaps to a lesser extent, when I was younger, and I am hopeful for you that as you grow older, you will find that these unpleasant reactions become less and less frequent until you seldom encounter them any more.

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All the time! But more for my small size than anything asexual; I often get called "young man" or "ma'am" by people who don't get a good look at me first. Most of my casual contacts who do know my age (67) assume I'm divorced, and a few probably think I'm gay, but it's not something I talk about with them. I have come out to my circle of younger friends, mostly in their 30s, who I'm very fond of. I'm amused when they talk about dating and their Tinder profiles and tease me:  "Are you learning something?" <grin> . There's not much I can say, of course, but I listen -  with one ear taking it in like a sheltered 17 year old, and the other hears lessons from a world I know little about. My adult gravitas (what there is of it) gets even less regard from their kids, who know I'm good for a story, Legos, or some other play after a while. 

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On 12/10/2022 at 6:19 PM, Picklethewickle said:

Once people reach a certain age we are often expected to have many relationships under our belts, to be in a committed relationship, or to be ready to settle down. 

 

Do you ever get treated as immature for not having "enough" experience or for not being interested in relationships? I'm at the asexually-awkward mid-point where I'm too old to be accused of being a late-bloomer but not old enough to be dismissed as too old for relationships. Sometimes I run into attitudes like "Oh, you decided to stay a kid forever!" or "You're so innocent and simple."

 

Has that happened to anyone else?

This one of the many reasons I don't tell people I'm ace, even though a lot of the "sexual" people I know who have had vast numbers of partners (and vast numbers of divorces, etc.) act pretty immature themselves.  People really need to be constantly reminded that sex does not make you mature.

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On 12/21/2022 at 10:32 AM, Lilibulero said:

Yes, and talked down to ( usually by the ones whose life is a mess, so that's the only hook they've got on me).

 

That's right - a lot of people's lives are a total and complete mess and they enjoy talking down to others.  They don't realize their life is a mess, either.  They think they're doing just wonderful.

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7 hours ago, thylacine said:

That's right - a lot of people's lives are a total and complete mess and they enjoy talking down to others.  They don't realize their life is a mess, either.  They think they're doing just wonderful.

What do you mean by this? I hope it's not an implication that I fit the above, as it would be based entirely on supposition and background gossip. My life is great, and that's no denial.

However, no explanation is necessary on a random website.

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What do I mean by saying a lot of people's lives are a total and complete mess, etc.?  Well, brief and simple explanation - if you had the sort of friends and relatives that I have, you'd know a lot of people whose lives were a total and complete mess.  That's all.  Not about you, it's about people that I personally know in real life.

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That's ok @thylacine, I was just checking you weren't another flying monkey. I've had a few of those on here, and passive aggressive comments from the less adequate.

Thanks for the explanation, and sorry you've had to put up with others' mess. 

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14 hours ago, Lilibulero said:

That's ok @thylacine, I was just checking you weren't another flying monkey. I've had a few of those on here, and passive aggressive comments from the less adequate.

Thanks for the explanation, and sorry you've had to put up with others' mess. 

LOL - yeah, it's cool.  And yeah, I routinely put up with other people's messes.  Oh well, that's life.

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everywhere and nowhere
On 12/11/2022 at 5:37 PM, VanishingLady said:

Something to think about: BIPOC people are hypersexualized by this White supremacist world, and we're never really seen as children even when we are. The reverse happens with us.

I have read about studies which showed that Black children are perceived as "older" and "more mature" than White children. With all the connotations of the word "mature", of course. They are assumed to know a lot about "forbidden" topics. When they ask about something at school, it is often perceived as a deliberate attempt to disrupt the class, not as pure, genuine curiousity - which leads to ignoring educational needs of Black children. When a Black boy does something stupid, it is not perceived as what it usually is - simple immaturity, but such a boy risks becoming branded as "criminal" and having his future decided because of one stupid mistake. Generally, they are robbed of the right to be children.

An extreme case I have read about; I'll quote the way I described it in my diary (in an entry where I asked whether a similar popular perception - that "girls are more mature" - doesn't result in largely the same, in robbing girls of their childhood).

Quote

(...) the police (!) detained a Black 15-year-old girl for using a discount ticket (because she looked older? Because if she's Black, it's immediately obvious that she's up to no good?) and neither her school ID, nor a phone call with her parents (!!) could convince the police; they released the handcuffed (!!!) girl only once her mother brought the daughter's birth certificate. Should anyone be surprised that in such conditions young people are raised who know in advance that the police is not to be trusted, or even pride themselves on their hatred of the police?

:angry:

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