OCD is kicking my ass

[imnotgoodatusernames]

Sorry, this is going to be long! First, I should put a disclaimer here to make it clear that I would never want to disrespect ace/aro sexualities and won’t in this post. However, I did want to seek some advice.

 

I posted here about 18 months ago when I was 17 and panicking. I’m now a 19-year-old girl and have been dealing with what I believe to be OCD for over 2 years (I spoke with a mental health service for a few months who also believed that’s what it is, and am returning to them, though I haven’t had a medical diagnosis at this point). I’ve had a variety of themes but sexual orientation ocd has been by far the most prominent, the most persistent, and the worst. I think it’s because after experiencing CSA and sexual trauma, the idea of lying to myself or not knowing my own identity is terrifying. 
 

Though I identify as straight I spend a lot of time worrying I’m secretly a lesbian or an asexual person in denial. When the OCD first came on I actually questioned if I was asexual (likely as a compulsion but at that point I hadn’t much experience with or understanding of attraction), but moved through it fairly quickly until it doubled back on itself and became obsessive and irrational, similar to the intrusive thoughts I’d been having about being a lesbian or bisexual woman and not knowing it.

 

I still can’t help but worry excessively that I’m ace or aro, despite having complete respect for both orientations when considering them separate from myself. It’s kind of like I have two brains, mine and the OCD’s. 
 

Some of my weirder compulsions included tracking my eye movements to see who I was subconsciously attracted to, avoiding any type of media including people — I’m not a big animal person so that phase of only watching nature documentaries was funny if terrifying — and constant rumination. 
 

I want a relationship. I know I could have that if I were asexual, but I think I want to have sex (beyond the idea that I think it would be fun or interesting as an sex-positive ace person might). I’ve not done much sexually - mainly making out with people when I’m drunk - but I enjoyed that. I’ve never looked at someone and gotten aroused in the way some people describe sexual attraction, but I have thought something like ‘you look good’ in a way that’s more than aesthetic attraction (as in I would hypothetically want to have sex with them). Sometimes when I look at men I find attractive, whether I know them or not, I kind of breathe a lot faster and am hyper aware of them. I maybe have a bit of a lower sex drive or it’s a result of the childhood trauma but I don’t look at someone and automatically want to have sex with them, and that frustrates me.

 

I would be fine with the idea of being Demi. Hookup culture does nothing for me and it would do little to impact my life in the way of romantic relationships in that I could still feel sexual attraction.

 

I’m worried too that I’m cupioromantic and wouldn’t be able to have the kind of relationship I imagine and want. I am aware of QPRs and think they’re great for aro spec people who want them and find them fulfilling, but I don’t think the idea is for me because I would want my relationship to involve romantic feelings. I’ve just never had a really intense crush on a guy or fallen in love, and that makes me worry that I don’t have the capacity. I’ve been kind of a late bloomer all my life and I think the stress of the OCD/trauma might be impacting the intensity at which I feel attraction. I’m just terrified all my intrusive thoughts about this are true. Sorry for the long and confusing post. 

[Shoro]

There’s no rush to knowing your orientation. You could think about it in terms of “I’m still learning about myself”. 😊 I would focus on what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. Even if you label yourself, there is usually a range of things people are comfortable with (or not), within that label. 

 

[rainbowocollie]

I also have OCD and while I have had far stronger OCD themes I do think some of my questioning phases early on may have gone into OCD territory. It's ok if you don't know what you are right now. Part of overcoming OCD is learning to live with the doubt without giving into compulsions. Medication helps, too, but it only does half the work and makes it easier to practice coping skills.

So if you have an intrusive thought that you might be ace or hey am I attracted to THIS person, the first step towards healing? That would be to answer that thought with "you know what, maybe. I don't know. And that's okay." And then don't indulge it further. Easier said than done, I know! But with practice it gets easier, and eventually the thoughts get less demanding until perhaps they go away entirely.

[Iam9man]

4 hours ago, Collie Grace said:

I also have OCD and while I have had far stronger OCD themes I do think some of my questioning phases early on may have gone into OCD territory. It's ok if you don't know what you are right now. Part of overcoming OCD is learning to live with the doubt without giving into compulsions. Medication helps, too, but it only does half the work and makes it easier to practice coping skills.

So if you have an intrusive thought that you might be ace or hey am I attracted to THIS person, the first step towards healing? That would be to answer that thought with "you know what, maybe. I don't know. And that's okay." And then don't indulge it further. Easier said than done, I know! But with practice it gets easier, and eventually the thoughts get less demanding until perhaps they go away entirely.

Was going to write something very similar (but less eloquently) 😊

 

@imnotgoodatusernames I struggled with OCD for years. I have found medication (Lexapro) helpful, but as @Collie Grace mentioned, you’ll still need to put some work in. Definitely makes a difference though.