Am I really ace, and did that ruin my relationship?

[upsetmilk]

Hello members!

I need your help with something, I hope somebody might help me here.

I have been identifying as ace, or somewhat I would say. The thing is I used to actually sleep with ppl and I dont mind doing so - but I just dont need it? Is that still asexuality or something else?

I am hoping to find out through other peoples experiences and also maybe resolve an issue I have with a relationship of mine. You see, I am definetely not aromantic, I can even love many people, I just dont want to sleep with them 90% of the time. Recently I have broken up with my partner of 6 years, two of which we had a polyam arrangement. I felt like me not sleeping with him was kinda unfair and ruining our relationship. The relationship was actually really great and positive. We still live together and are talking, he knows that I still have strong feelings for him and vice versa. But recently he brought home somebody (without asking) well - for obvious reasons. For the first time in my life I got jealous that I am not enough and I feel like my asexuality has ruined everything, I never felt like that was a problem before. Should I talk to him? Is there any way to feel better about this?

 

Hope to hear from y'all, Y. 

[FJO8]

19 hours ago, upsetmilk said:

Should I talk to him? Is there any way to feel better about this?

 

Welcome to Aven!

Since you "officially" ended the relationship and they are sexual (I suppose from your description), you cannot really blame them for seeking another sexual partner in my opinion. Talking about your feelings is always a good idea though. Try to read on nonviolent communication first to not transport the wrong message.

And to your first question:

You can be ace and still enjoy sexual activities. You might consider the autochorisexual label, where your bodily sexuality and your desire for it are seperated.

[Philip027]

Your asexuality didn't "ruin" anything, an incompatibility did.  There is no guarantee necessarily that the same thing wouldn't have happened if you were sexual.

 

If anything it sounds more like you aren't really into the "poly" thing as much as he is, and that's more of the root of the incompatibility than anything.  Am I mistaken?  Even then, the reason for your trouble isn't because you're not as "poly" as he is, it's because you're both incompatible in this regard.  The blame shouldn't be hoisted all upon yourself.

 

22 hours ago, upsetmilk said:

I have been identifying as ace, or somewhat I would say. The thing is I used to actually sleep with ppl and I dont mind doing so - but I just dont need it? Is that still asexuality or something else?

That's pretty much asexuality, yep.  It does not mean celibacy, or that you dislike sex; just that it's not something you desire or pursue with anyone.

[upsetmilk]

3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Your asexuality didn't "ruin" anything, an incompatibility did.  There is no guarantee necessarily that the same thing wouldn't have happened if you were sexual.

 

If anything it sounds more like you aren't really into the "poly" thing as much as he is, and that's more of the root of the incompatibility than anything.  Am I mistaken?  Even then, the reason for your trouble isn't because you're not as "poly" as he is, it's because you're both incompatible in this regard.  The blame shouldn't be hoisted all upon yourself.

 

That's pretty much asexuality, yep.  It does not mean celibacy, or that you dislike sex; just that it's not something you desire or pursue with anyone.

Hey, well.. I do sleep with people on rare occasions but I dont evrr crave it. The poly thing was my idea actually, I can experience romantic attraction and proper love for several people, but at the beginning of our ipen relationship we had clear instructions to not take anybody into our flat for certain things. I think I will tell him today about what I basically wrote here. I do really love him but I dont want him to not experience certain things in life, especially bc hes a late bloomer. I kinda hope to maybe redefine our relationship bc I honestly actually want to be with that person

[nanogretchen4]

You mentioned having already broken up with your ex. So surely your relationship has already been redefined as the type of platonic friendship that leaves your ex totally free to seek whatever kind of relationship he wants with other people. I think the obvious next step is to stop living together. That way you are less likely to get confused into thinking that who your ex dates after you broke up with him is any of your business at all. It's understandable that you would feel jealous when your ex brings people to your shared home to have sex with them. And also, you need to stop being roommates with your ex ASAP so that he can have new relationships in peace and privacy and you don't have to watch.