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Loneliness Has an Antidote You May Not Have Thought Of


argar

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I was "friendly" with someone for years and she never indicated any understanding of the real me.  I always felt she projected a bigoted perception of me over who I really am, and eventually the "friendship" became unbearable and I ended it.  We are lucky to discover people who really want to understand us, but it can happen.

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That's a lot of words to say that you need close friends, I think. 

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everywhere and nowhere
6 minutes ago, Monke Ilahi said:

That's a lot of words to say that you need close friends, I think. 

But it's well written anyway. Maybe not the very end, the tips themselves are a little superficial and brief. But I particularly liked this fragment:

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If my relationship with someone didn’t have that element of closeness, it tended to make me feel more isolated than just being alone. For this reason, I found most of the popular advice about how to overcome loneliness profoundly unhelpful: “Put yourself out there more!” the experts exclaimed. “Relationships are a numbers game… get enough acquaintances and you’ll eventually find yourself with some good friendships.” That sounded reasonable enough. But it felt… exhausting.

 

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SabeSparklexoxo

Being understood and heard. That's what I believe too. I think most people, like me, are scared to show their true selves to be rejected by. Because at the end of the day, if you have someone who listens to you regardless and is on the same wavelength, it's much more important than anything else.

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12 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

But it's well written anyway. Maybe not the very end, the tips themselves are a little superficial and brief. But I particularly liked this fragment:

Quote

If my relationship with someone didn’t have that element of closeness, it tended to make me feel more isolated than just being alone. For this reason, I found most of the popular advice about how to overcome loneliness profoundly unhelpful: “Put yourself out there more!” the experts exclaimed. “Relationships are a numbers game… get enough acquaintances and you’ll eventually find yourself with some good friendships.” That sounded reasonable enough. But it felt… exhausting.

 

Idk. I hate to be a downer, but it still feels wordy and vague. 

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That's what I want out of a relationship. The companionship. Someone I can talk to, play games with (both video games and board games) but none of that relationship stuff

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I read it and I still don't know what the antidote is!

 

I found most of the popular advice about how to overcome loneliness profoundly unhelpful: “Put yourself out there more!” the experts exclaimed.

 

Then...

 

The great news: You can create this feeling with anyone who also wants to feel it. Closeness doesn’t have to be something that happens randomly or by accident—it is within your control to create. Starting now, you really can stop being lonely.

 

She's just saying "Put yourself out there" in more words!

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@awadama She also says that there are people who are already in your life that you could connect on a deeper level with if you try, so it's not necessarily that you have to meet more people.

 

Though personally I can see where I could connect more with the people around me currently but aside from maybe one I can't see developing close relationships with the rest. In order to become closer to the one I think I'd have to be in a better place mentally, though.

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I think connecting more with people in general would do a lot for loneliness even if you're not forming any really deep connections. Someone who is lonely isn't really connecting with anyone very much. Though with strangers and co-workers you just have small talk and that's really shallow and not going to go anywhere. I've thought about joining a church or something just to feel more connected, I only go to work right now so I really actually do need a social outlet of some sort.

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But also another thing is that you can be disconnected from yourself and if you are then you won't connect with others really either. I'm disconnected from myself, I distract myself way too much from my emotions and I don't think I really understand myself that well.

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When a relationship lacks closeness, you’ll sense that the other person doesn’t really know you and/or doesn’t really care about you. Loneliness is essentially sadness caused by a lack of closeness, also known as sadness caused by distance. This is why it doesn’t work to simply surround yourself with people. You must actually feel close to them.

 

I'm a university student and I confirm. Last year I lived in a single room and now In double room but I actually feel more lonely now because my roommate doesn't care about me at all and never wants to talk (for whatever reason - she's not a loner, she has other friends. I don't understand her. Also I don't want to make her talk when she doesn't feel like it), which is worse for me than living alone. I even feel better when she's not there.

After a year of studying, I changed the degree course so I have to meet new people again. From time to time I go out with other students like for ice skating, but it never goes beyond that and they're aparently close friends with each other, unlike me, so I'm still lonely; I have to mention that it's not my fault that I can't get to know them more, it's because of this university (schedule, different groups on different subjects etc.).

 

This feeling of being understood and valued—this feeling of closeness—is what you’re really craving when you’re lonely. The great news: You can create this feeling with anyone who also wants to feel it.

 

Saying that doesn't help! What to do if it seems like no one wants to get close to me? Well, I guess they don't have any reason to care about me so how I could give them a reason? I want to know...

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Sister Mercurial

It's a decent sales pitch.  The point is to hint that the magical secret of being in control of closeness (which sounded unrealistic to me) is in the book she's trying to sell.  

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