disillusioned

[AppleCatSat]

I've been with my husband for over 12 years. For about the first 3 months of our relationship, we had a fair amt of sexual contact, and lots of romance, however, he was always a bit skittish about ANYTHING "out of the ordinary" in the bedroom, and absolutely REFUSED to have contact, if ever I were to attempt to initiate sex.

Frankly, I don't even think he was terribly into the sex we did have. It often seemed like he was just doing what he thought he SHOULD.

Over the years, the sex dwindled and the romance died. Eventually, the norm became sex, once or twice a year. And even then, there was never any real attention to my needs.

Eventually, my interest also waned. I'm not interested in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I hardly find enjoyment from "going through the motions". That's why they make "marital aids".

Miraculously, we had a son, 3 years ago. The last time we had sex was the night he was conceived.

I'm trying so hard not to resent him. I know that I can't force him to have sex with me, nor do I want to. Unfortunately, there is just so much that our society hangs on sexuality, and I admit that I've fallen victim to it. My self esteem has suffered for it. I find myself depressed, eating WAY too much, and lonely. So SO lonely.

I love my husband. I also MISS my husband. But, my attempts to talk to him about this are met with MUCH opposition. He'll often say things like, I'm working on it, or I'm just really tired right now.

I guess what I am hoping for, from this forum is some help finding peace with this. I don't want to resent him for how he feels. I would love to understand what he's going through, so I can support him.

And, while I'm baring my soul... I'd so like to know what on earth to do about my own urges and feelings. Cheating is absolutely not an option, and I'm not a manual manipulation kinda girl. I'm a big ol' romantic mess. plastic doesn't do it for me.

So, let me have it. If you must flame me, it's cool. At this stage of the game, I'll take any criticism you've got. the good the bad and the ugly.

[jr1]

Maybe you could find a new hobby you could do together that would replace the bonding that sex would represent

[osito]

AppleCatSat,

You'll get some good support here from other sexual people in very similar situations--once you find each other. I know they're here because I have read their posts. I hope you'll just keep reading; you'll realize your situation is not unique--and it's certainly not something to provoke anyone's flaming you or "letting you have it"...no way.

My suggestion would be that you read and post here till you find some footing...and then consider bringing your hubby here and let him figure it out. When/if/when he settles in here you may just have to give him a wide berth...take a week and go to the beach and let him wake up.

And after that? A lot will depend on what he discovers about himself.

In some ways, coming here to AVEN is like waking up from a really weird dream. In any case, thank you for coming, and stay with us.

osito

[Freed_Spirit]

Oh AppleCatSat, no flaming here - you are wonderful for coming here for help and understanding and that's exactly what we'll give you. And a *hug* too.

I'm so sorry to read your post and feel the hurt you have (both) suffered. I hope that reading some of the threads here has helped you realise you're not alone in this situation, and it is no-one's fault. It is true that society places a lot of pressure on sexuality - but something I have learnt from AVEN is that sexual beings need to express love sexually, whereas asexy beings go in the opposite direction - we express love in every way EXCEPT sexually - and there is the painful dilemma.

I'm sure that being able to talk to him with the AVEN perspective supporting you (it is not you, it is not him), will help - ultimately I don't know whether your relationship can withstand this, as clearly you are in a lot of pain right now. If I can help in any way, please feel free to pm me. (I'm asexy but I've been married and been through your situation).

Take good care - you are amazing for seeking help and understanding.

[Freed_Spirit]

oops double post

[AppleCatSat]

Folks, you are so very kind. Thank you.

jr1, we used to share a hobby. Before I had my son, we both used to DJ. At the time, we had so much fun together, that I really didn't even miss the sex so much. Though having a baby makes it a bit difficult for parents to go out to parties every weekend.

In fact, I haven't done anything non-baby-related since he was born, and my husband seems to have aquired a touch of agoraphobia, as he typically only leaves the house to go to work, and the few times he's dj'ed since, he didn't enjoy himself, at all.

But, I digress. The hobby suggestion was a very good one! I haven't considered that, at all, though it was quite effective for us in the past. I'll be working on that, right away.

My husband has proven very sensitive to any attempts to label him and I can't say I blame him. So, the issue I have is that suggesting this site for him would likely bring about more defensiveness, and that's definitely not what I want to do.

I haven't figured out any good way to give him the information without putting his defenses up. I'm hoping that the more he sees me on this site, the more likely he is to either google it himself, or ask me what it is.

Cross your fingers for me! and, btw, thank you, again.

[roddy9uk]

Applecart

There may be many reasons for your husband's flagging sexual drive but I am afraid one of the usual BIG reasons is that you are literally "asking" for it. This is not a flame just pointing out that most men do not perform well "under pressure".

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it for most men..even with "normal" libidos..the desire includes a built in element that means you need to be persuaded by him..not he by you. In other words he needs to be in the right frame of mind. He cannot just magic this out of thin air on demand. Does telling someone to relax make them relax or more tense? Does telling someone "Don't fret" make them more or less calm?

You rhusband may be suffering from stress at work..or about anything else..which itself often triggers depression. One of the standard symptoms of depression is an inability to find pleasure in things which heretofore have been very pleasurable...sex included.

It may be that he IS asexual...but there agin he may simply be depressed/stressed/tired. But if you (however subtly) tell him that you want him to relax so that he can regain his sex drive..well it will have precisely the opposite effect. Nothing is more deflating to a sex desire than to be told that it isn't up to scratch.

You might like to suggest that, instead of "straight sex" he gives you a "Yoni massage". http://www.skydancer.org.uk/index.cfm/section.yoni

As well as being satisfying to you (I am assured by certain ladies it IS satisfying) you may well find it rekindles his desires as well..but don't tell him that! If as you suggest he finds "alternative practices" a bit off-putting then simply ask him to give you a normal massage at first..once he is comfortable and relaxeddoing this then you can introduce the more erotic ones..

Hope this helps

roddy

[Freed_Spirit]

Cross your fingers for me! and, btw, thank you, again.

My fingers are crossed! And you are so welcome, you're doing all you can and I hope all goes well for you.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Applecart, and welcome to Aven. I'm one of the oddball sexual folks who hangs around here, so it's nice to see you (even though I'm sad you have reason to be here).

I guess what I am hoping for, from this forum is some help finding peace with this. I don't want to resent him for how he feels. I would love to understand what he's going through, so I can support him.

Me too. Resentment, over the long run, is such a self-destructive and ugly way to live. But I think part of what you need is not so much to support him, as to find support for yourself. When you feel like you're okay, like you have some control over your life, that's how you get the resentment to lift a bit. Support yourself and you'll support him more naturally.

And, while I'm baring my soul... I'd so like to know what on earth to do about my own urges and feelings. Cheating is absolutely not an option, and I'm not a manual manipulation kinda girl. I'm a big ol' romantic mess. plastic doesn't do it for me.

I have zero advice here. Honestly. I'm a manual manipulation kinda guy, out of desperation, and it's like putting a band-aid on a sucking chest wound. Not a very satisfying answer at all. If you or your guy think of outside "friends" as cheating (which not everyone here does), then, yeah, you're out of luck frankly. Your choices in the long run are to become celibate yourself, and develop a rich, non-sexual life with your husband, hope that he becomes sexual, or leave the marriage.

No good answers, I'm afraid. But good for you for being here. Understanding what's really going on is the first step to making good choices for yourself.

Hugs,

-Chiaroscuro

[AliceInWonderland]

Hi Applecatsat.

Hello.

My husband is the same way. He and I haven't had sex in years. It's very frustrating for me. I feel as though I have pounded his self esteem into the ground. I feel so unattractive and wonder if I'd even know how to have intercourse if I did have it with someone outside. I did a great diservice to myself when I was younger and listened to my parents, teachers, etc. when they told me that I should wait until I'm married to have sex. Boy, do I wish I could go back to those days and LIVE MY LIFE the way I wanted to live it! I had my chances, but I turned the guys down - partly because someone very close to me became pregnant at a young age and almost lost her life because of it – she never went to the dr. because she was ashamed as she was not married. She did that more than once also. It really had an effect on my parents and me. I was so afraid because of this, and I knew my parents would probably disown me if I made the same mistake.

Now, I know how those guys that I turned down felt! I'm reminded of it everyday!

I can SO relate to what you wrote about not being interested in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. The faucet was turned off by him. The rejection already took place. Now, it will be hard for the same person to turn that faucet back on. I know how you feel about not wanting to force him. I don’t want my husband or anyone else to do what isn’t in his heart. I also feel that our society puts too much emphasis on sexuality - it's everywhere. Just watch TV for 30 seconds and I can almost guarantee, you'll see it - even on commercials! I, too, feel unattractive without sex. Where you wrote, "He'll often say things like, I'm working on it, or I'm just really tired right now. " sounds a lot like my husband, but it’s an excuse, and I can tell you that, right now, he’s not willing to admit that it’s an excuse because he might not even realize who he really is as he probably has noone to relate to about it. He thinks he’s normal, and for him, it probably is. It would be nice if you could try to tell him how you really feel, hurt, angry, resentful, etc., but I don’t think he can truly know what you’re feeling if he’s like my husband. My husband just seems to be wired differently from me.

Just recently, my husband watched Montel when they had the topic about asexuality, and he admitted that it was like some big awakening for him. Apparently, he didn't know what was going on with his own self! From what I'm reading, the percentage of asexuals in the population seems to be low, so he probably never had a chance to relate to anyone like him - either that, or he just wasn't interested in talking with others about his true feelings for fear of being persecuted for it – thus, not finding out about himself before now. I mean, he knew he was different, but I guess he just couldn’t feel okay with it until now that he knows there are others just like he is. Now, he's trying to "change" and tell me that maybe he has a physical problem. I truly don’t think he’ll change, nor do I think he should. I think he’ll regret it (but maybe not until years later will it dawn on him) if he does change. He got viagra and testosterone from the dr. but wouldn't use it for a while. He finally did but it didn't change his sex drive - he still doesn't want to have sex.

All I can say is that this is a critical time for you to analyze everything that goes on and see how you really feel about it.

With me, if I ask my husband to do something and he tells me, "no", then that’s a form of rejection. Now, add sex to that which for me is very emotional – in other words, it’s a big thing for me. Now, add to that the fact that I’m married and am not supposed to have sex with someone else. So now, not only have I been rejected by being told, “no” but I’m not going to have sex either and am married (not allowed to have sex at all since my spouse is unwilling) – a triple whammy in my mind. He turned the faucet off by saying, “no” to me originally, now he’s trying to turn it back on, but is still saying things like, “well, I don’t want to NOT have sex, I just don’t know if I WANT to have sex. “Huh?” I think to myself. Does HE even know what he’s talking about?

So, I think that the more you have time to think about it, and the more you break it down, then the more you can see it for what it really is, and the more calm you’ll be about it, and then with calmer, more objective thinking, you can either accept it, change your situation or just do nothing about it, but you need to confirm how you REALLY feel. Otherwise, you’ll wake up one day and realize that you should have done this or that or whatever else you COULD have done if you hadn’t put it out of your mind. Just make sure you know how YOU feel, and when it gets right down to it, I think you will have helped him too by doing your part no matter what decision you make.

Take care and good luck.

[cijay]

I've been with my husband for over 12 years. For about the first 3 months of our relationship, we had a fair amt of sexual contact, and lots of romance, however, he was always a bit skittish about ANYTHING "out of the ordinary" in the bedroom, and absolutely REFUSED to have contact, if ever I were to attempt to initiate sex.

Frankly, I don't even think he was terribly into the sex we did have. It often seemed like he was just doing what he thought he SHOULD.

Over the years, the sex dwindled and the romance died. Eventually, the norm became sex, once or twice a year. And even then, there was never any real attention to my needs.

Eventually, my interest also waned. I'm not interested in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I hardly find enjoyment from "going through the motions". That's why they make "marital aids".

Miraculously, we had a son, 3 years ago. The last time we had sex was the night he was conceived.

I'm trying so hard not to resent him. I know that I can't force him to have sex with me, nor do I want to. Unfortunately, there is just so much that our society hangs on sexuality, and I admit that I've fallen victim to it. My self esteem has suffered for it. I find myself depressed, eating WAY too much, and lonely. So SO lonely.

I love my husband. I also MISS my husband. But, my attempts to talk to him about this are met with MUCH opposition. He'll often say things like, I'm working on it, or I'm just really tired right now.

I guess what I am hoping for, from this forum is some help finding peace with this. I don't want to resent him for how he feels. I would love to understand what he's going through, so I can support him.

And, while I'm baring my soul... I'd so like to know what on earth to do about my own urges and feelings. Cheating is absolutely not an option, and I'm not a manual manipulation kinda girl. I'm a big ol' romantic mess. plastic doesn't do it for me.

So, let me have it. If you must flame me, it's cool. At this stage of the game, I'll take any criticism you've got. the good the bad and the ugly.

FLAME you? Nuh, I don't think so.

I don't have any advice, just know that it's nothing about YOU that is making him uninterested if he is asexual. Please don't take it personally from him.

[CopyFox]

Hello all. First of all I'd really like to thank the understanding that's been brought to the table here. There can sometimes be very high levels of aggravation and everyone's nerves get hit and toes get stepped on, but this thread is remarkably non-threatening. I'm here hoping I can shed some light and give a bit of advice. Here goes.

It has come up several times that you feel unattractive because your husband does not want to have sex with you. As an asexual myself, I can try to explain to you what it's like. When I think of sex, I think that it's a lie. That's the closest I can put it. It's like trying to do something to show you love someone, but it's completely unnecessary--it's really just a way to please the body, and therefore a lie. Some asexuals can feel a bit betrayed if they have to have sex. I'm not saying your husband is one of them, but I just want the idea put out there.

The wonderful thing about having an asexual spouse is that you know they are with you completely for YOU and not anything else--they love you for who you are, not because you look good or bad or are overweight or skinny or any of that stuff. They chose you as their spouse because they love you as a person and that, to me, is the purest love you can ever find.

The suggestion for a common activity to replace sex is a very good one--find something you both love to do together and bond over that. The massages also sound like a good idea to see if your husband really is asexual but not open to being labeled.

Now the issue about your husband being uncomfortable with labels and other things. For all my life until I found this site, I thought I was alone. No one was like me, and I was setting up my life to basically live as a hermit. When I found that there were other people out there, a whole 1% of the population, I was disbelieving, amazed, rejuvenated. If you've ever seen the movie "Cast Away" where the guy gets trapped alone on an island for years, it's like when he came back into society. Everything was so different that he was almost scared, wasn't he? Your husband is probably feeling much the same thing. He has spent all of his years (which are at least several more than mine) believing himself alone, isolating himself in his mind. He attached himself to you, which says a LOT about you as a person. So if he does transition into asexuality as his orientation, it will most likely be gradual. He is going to be in disbelief for who knows how long. It fluctuates from person to unique person. He may even understand the notion already and be afraid to move into it, afraid that it's just a dream, in a way. It's a form of self-denial that I've used often in my life.

Please keep in mind that I am only discussing his possible frame of mind, and that he may not actually be feeling any of this at all. This is my speculation based on my own experiences and those of other asexuals.

It's understandable that you would resent him, but please keep in mind that I'm sure he does love you, and he just wants to show you that in his own way instead of through sex. Sex, as is scientifically proven, is not a necessary thing in life, and is obviously not the only way to show love. And I know the media projects it way too much (that's why so many asexuals feel isolated), which is why my next bit of advice comes from a personality book I read. It said that when there are differences that would keep people apart, the best solution is to have both people moving toward the other--meaning you moving toward the idea that sex does not equal love and sexlessness does not equal unattractiveness, and your husband moving toward the idea that sex can be used to show love and that it is a reality for you to feel unwanted/unloved without it.

If you are both willing to save your relationship, then this is the best thing you can start with. Compromise is what makes the world go 'round, and "agreeing to disagree" can be one of the best phrases to go by.

I hope this was a help in some way, and if you have any questions or comments, feel free to post. Good luck to you both.

[Chiaroscuro]

An excellent post, Copyfox, thank you. It's fascinating to hear what's going on on the other side of the a/s divide. We truly are living in different worlds. It's no wonder everyone's so confused.

-Chiaroscuro

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks CopyFox.

Certain things you wrote put me in mind of statements my husband has made. Where you wrote that you feel that sex is a lie, my husband has told me for years that he views sex as animalistic and that sex makes him feel like he's on show. But, I never understood what he was talking about. For me, I don't think I'll ever truly be able to relate to that, but I have some idea of what he has been trying to tell me about how he feels now, because now I have found a website full of people like him. You also wrote about feeling like a hermit. My husband has said for years that he thought that he would be happy living on an island by himself and not ever having to deal with society again. Lately, since he admitted that he can relate to asexuals, I started to realize that being an asexual must have something to do with that feeling of his wanting to be by himself. He also told me that, "kids can be cruel when you're growing up". I learned that when I was growing up too and I'm sexual and female. I couldn't imagine if I was a asexual and male. There must have been SO much pressure on my husband when he was younger.

Also, I feel like others need to know that asexuality really does exist.

Thanks for your comments. I know this thread is for AppleSatCat, but every post helps me get focused a little better.

[CopyFox]

Thanks CopyFox.

Certain things you wrote put me in mind of statements my husband has made. Where you wrote that you feel that sex is a lie, my husband has told me for years that he views sex as animalistic and that sex makes him feel like he's on show. But, I never understood what he was talking about. For me, I don't think I'll ever truly be able to relate to that, but I have some idea of what he has been trying to tell me about how he feels now, because now I have found a website full of people like him. You also wrote about feeling like a hermit. My husband has said for years that he thought that he would be happy living on an island by himself and not ever having to deal with society again. Lately, since he admitted that he can relate to asexuals, I started to realize that being an asexual must have something to do with that feeling of his wanting to be by himself. He also told me that, "kids can be cruel when you're growing up". I learned that when I was growing up too and I'm sexual and female. I couldn't imagine if I was a asexual and male. There must have been SO much pressure on my husband when he was younger.

Also, I feel like others need to know that asexuality really does exist.

Thanks for your comments. I know this thread is for AppleSatCat, but every post helps me get focused a little better.

You're quite welcome, I'm glad I could help. If you have any more questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to voice them. It's better to have everything out in the open than bottled up inside.

Kids can give a generous helping of cruelty, it's true. Being asexual (with or without knowing it) in a sexual world is like sitting around while everyone talks about a movie you haven't seen. You're lost while they all understand the context. I can only imagine the pressure there must have been being male with expectations of today. I think your husband could really benefit by seeing this community, even just reading one description of someone else growing up as an asexual. It makes me wish that there were actual books out there with an asexual main character; it might help improve the awareness.

On that note, I completely agree with you that word of asexuality needs to be spread. Knowledge is the best power we have right now; many future relationship issues could be completely avoided if everyone was looking at the same spread of cards, so to speak. Hopefully we can get some real scientific evidence studies going so that asexuality can be accepted as a legitimate orientation. I think that would open people's receptiveness toward it, even if they can't understand it.

[AliceInWonderland]

"Resentment, over the long run, is such a self-destructive and ugly way to live. But I think part of what you need is not so much to support him, as to find support for yourself. When you feel like you're okay, like you have some control over your life, that's how you get the resentment to lift a bit. Support yourself and you'll support him more naturally."

Yes, I agree with you Chiaroscuro. Someone once told me that it's analogous to when you're on a plane and the oxygen masks pop out for you to put them on. You have to put the mask on yourself before you can put it on someone else, so the part where you wrote, "....find support for yourself." and "....you'll support him more naturally" makes sense to me.

AppleCatSat,

To me, the fact that you have come here and posted means that you've taken a step in the right direction.

CopyFox,

I agree about getting the word out and not keeping things bottled up. I think knowledge is power too, not ignorance or fear which I believe is what happened with that someone who was close to me getting pregnant with health complications. The domino effect was quite significant in my case.

In regards to showing my husband this site, he actually told me about it, but as far as I can tell, he won't visit the site. I have read some of the posts to him, but he doesn't say much about them.

Thanks.

[AppleCatSat]

:o Oh My! I logged on and saw all you kind folks had responed, and I was just floored. I have to tell you that my attitude itself has changed over the last few days. Knowing you're all here is a pretty amazing thing. Thank you.

We had a bit of a personal family emergency, here, and that's kept me offline for most of the last couple of days. I've read all your kind, open and honest responses, just don't have the ability to respond at this very moment.

Please let me get back atcha tomorrow and PLEASE accept my appology for this particularly crap-tastic response. I'm just exhausted.

Wishing you all the best, and a beautiful day, tomrrow! Hope to see you soon

[CopyFox]

In regards to showing my husband this site, he actually told me about it, but as far as I can tell, he won't visit the site. I have read some of the posts to him, but he doesn't say much about them.

The fact that your husband was the one who first showed you this site clangs in my mind as a way to reach out to you when he doesn't know what to do. His subsequence avoidance of the issue may now stem from nerves, fear that you will reject him, and therefore the reality that he does not know how you've internalized the idea of asexuality. Acceptance is something we all seek--for whatever our ideals may be. I can see how it would be hard to start a conversation in which you can talk things out with him, but somehow you must make him realize that if he is asexual, you accept him all the same, even if you can't understand exactly how asexuals feel about sex (as we you). That's the best advice I can give here.

[luvmybabies]

Maybe you could find a new hobby you could do together that would replace the bonding that sex would represent

I think that if you are a Sexual person, then finding a new hobby to do together isn't going to ever replace the lack of sex and intimacy that she so desperately wants and needs. Maybe getting a new hobby together, could possibly, stimulate their love for one another again, which could in turn lead to something more intimate though :-)

[cijay]

Maybe you could find a new hobby you could do together that would replace the bonding that sex would represent

I think that if you are a Sexual person, then finding a new hobby to do together isn't going to ever replace the lack of sex and intimacy that she so desperately wants and needs. Maybe getting a new hobby together, could possibly, stimulate their love for one another again, which could in turn lead to something more intimate though :-)

I was thinking the same thing. To a sexual person, sex isn't a 'hobby'. That's like saying "If you're hungry, just take up skydiving to replace the feeling of hunger." Sure, it may upset your stomach but at the end of the day, you're still hungry.

[luvmybabies]

Maybe you could find a new hobby you could do together that would replace the bonding that sex would represent

I think that if you are a Sexual person, then finding a new hobby to do together isn't going to ever replace the lack of sex and intimacy that she so desperately wants and needs. Maybe getting a new hobby together, could possibly, stimulate their love for one another again, which could in turn lead to something more intimate though :-)

I was thinking the same thing. To a sexual person, sex isn't a 'hobby'. That's like saying "If you're hungry, just take up skydiving to replace the feeling of hunger." Sure, it may upset your stomach but at the end of the day, you're still hungry.

My thoughts EXACTLY !!

Great analogy !!

:lol:

[AliceInWonderland]

In regards to showing my husband this site, he actually told me about it, but as far as I can tell, he won't visit the site. I have read some of the posts to him, but he doesn't say much about them.

The fact that your husband was the one who first showed you this site clangs in my mind as a way to reach out to you when he doesn't know what to do. His subsequence avoidance of the issue may now stem from nerves, fear that you will reject him, and therefore the reality that he does not know how you've internalized the idea of asexuality. Acceptance is something we all seek--for whatever our ideals may be. I can see how it would be hard to start a conversation in which you can talk things out with him, but somehow you must make him realize that if he is asexual, you accept him all the same, even if you can't understand exactly how asexuals feel about sex (as we you). That's the best advice I can give here.

Thanks CopyFox. I'm not sure that I feel for my husband in the same sense that I used to, but I cannot let him feel so alone. I want to do what I can to make him feel better about himself. I have noticed that it still bothers him when I talk to him about sex and related issues. I told him recently that sex for me feels like when I eat a really good piece of cake or an icecream sundae. He wants to feel that way. Now, I wish I hadn't told him that. I never realized he didn't feel that way during sex until recently. At this point, I'm not sure of what I want, but I feel a connection towards him and he towards me. I also feel a connection towards others on this site - albeit a different connection than the one with my husband. I've got to figure out how to make him feel better about himself. I wish he could meet someone of the opposite sex who's also heterosexual asexual. It's not like they would have sex. I just think he needs to feel normal. He's so handsome. I think he'd like to meet some asexuals on this site, but he wants to be with me. I think (however, I could be wrong) he just thinks he wants to be with me, but that when he gets out with others like him, maybe he'll realize that there was a void that can be filled, but I don't know since I cannot understand what he feels. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'd be mad at me if he knew I felt this way. Also, you mentioned previously about suggesting that he come to this site to find out about how other asexuals grew up. Can you point me in the direction of those posts? I'd like to read them, and maybe I can try to get him to listen. I think he's having trouble accepting who he is right now.

Thanks.

[CopyFox]

In regards to showing my husband this site, he actually told me about it, but as far as I can tell, he won't visit the site. I have read some of the posts to him, but he doesn't say much about them.

The fact that your husband was the one who first showed you this site clangs in my mind as a way to reach out to you when he doesn't know what to do. His subsequence avoidance of the issue may now stem from nerves, fear that you will reject him, and therefore the reality that he does not know how you've internalized the idea of asexuality. Acceptance is something we all seek--for whatever our ideals may be. I can see how it would be hard to start a conversation in which you can talk things out with him, but somehow you must make him realize that if he is asexual, you accept him all the same, even if you can't understand exactly how asexuals feel about sex (as we you). That's the best advice I can give here.

Thanks CopyFox. I'm not sure that I feel for my husband in the same sense that I used to, but I cannot let him feel so alone. I want to do what I can to make him feel better about himself. I have noticed that it still bothers him when I talk to him about sex and related issues. I told him recently that sex for me feels like when I eat a really good piece of cake or an icecream sundae. He wants to feel that way. Now, I wish I hadn't told him that. I never realized he didn't feel that way during sex until recently. At this point, I'm not sure of what I want, but I feel a connection towards him and he towards me. I also feel a connection towards others on this site - albeit a different connection than the one with my husband. I've got to figure out how to make him feel better about himself. I wish he could meet someone of the opposite sex who's also heterosexual asexual. It's not like they would have sex. I just think he needs to feel normal. He's so handsome. I think he'd like to meet some asexuals on this site, but he wants to be with me. I think (however, I could be wrong) he just thinks he wants to be with me, but that when he gets out with others like him, maybe he'll realize that there was a void that can be filled, but I don't know since I cannot understand what he feels. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'd be mad at me if he knew I felt this way. Also, you mentioned previously about suggesting that he come to this site to find out about how other asexuals grew up. Can you point me in the direction of those posts? I'd like to read them, and maybe I can try to get him to listen. I think he's having trouble accepting who he is right now.

Thanks.

Well, let's see. Most of the time people will post something like their life stories in the Welcome Lounge. There's also plenty of discussion on all sorts of different relationships from an asexual point of view in the Asexual Relationships forum. I might also suggest the Asexual Musings and Rantings forum; that one can be good with specific experiences and/or thoughts.

Speaking from the standpoint of someone who had a special someone in their life and didn't know about other asexuals, and then found out about asexuals, I can say that there is definitely a great feeling of fulfillment when you do find the asexual community, but my feelings toward this person haven't changed. If your husband is afraid that it's either you or us, he really doesn't have anything to worry about. It's not like you have to leave behind your sexual relationships just because you admit to being asexual. But yeah, the Asexual Relationships forum has more on that kind of thing.

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

[CopyFox]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

*Glances around AVEN* I think you're preaching to a choir a bit, lol. Remember, sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. There plenty of people who masterbate and are still asexual. I don't myself, but it's definitely out there.

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

*Glances around AVEN* I think you're preaching to a choir a bit, lol. Remember, sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. There plenty of people who masterbate and are still asexual. I don't myself, but it's definitely out there.

I didn't think of the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. Okay. That makes sense.

Well, my doing the m word offends my husband. I never told him that I've been doing it for years until recently because I thought he'd make fun or hold it against me. In fact, now that I think of it he did make fun of me for it at least once years ago. I forgot about that until now. What motivated me to tell him was several things: I read somewhere that normally, guys get turned on by that; I also read that it's okay to do that because it helps you find out about yourself sexually; and because I started to realize there was a real "problem" with OUR sex lives when he wouldn't take what the dr. gave him for sexual "problems". I wanted to see his reaction. When I told him, he was horrified and didn't want to hear anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders :) . I told him it gets rid of my headaches when I have them, and it relaxes me, etc.

[CopyFox]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

*Glances around AVEN* I think you're preaching to a choir a bit, lol. Remember, sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. There plenty of people who masterbate and are still asexual. I don't myself, but it's definitely out there.

I didn't think of the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. Okay. That makes sense.

Well, my doing the m word offends my husband. I never told him that I've been doing it for years until recently because I thought he'd make fun or hold it against me. In fact, now that I think of it he did make fun of me for it at least once years ago. I forgot about that until now. What motivated me to tell him was several things: I read somewhere that normally, guys get turned on by that; I also read that it's okay to do that because it helps you find out about yourself sexually; and because I started to realize there was a real "problem" with OUR sex lives when he wouldn't take what the dr. gave him for sexual "problems". I wanted to see his reaction. When I told him, he was horrified and didn't want to hear anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders :) . I told him it gets rid of my headaches when I have them, and it relaxes me, etc.

LOL I think I'd have liked to see his expression :lol: Poor guy.

[AliceInWonderland]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

*Glances around AVEN* I think you're preaching to a choir a bit, lol. Remember, sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. There plenty of people who masterbate and are still asexual. I don't myself, but it's definitely out there.

I didn't think of the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. Okay. That makes sense.

Well, my doing the m word offends my husband. I never told him that I've been doing it for years until recently because I thought he'd make fun or hold it against me. In fact, now that I think of it he did make fun of me for it at least once years ago. I forgot about that until now. What motivated me to tell him was several things: I read somewhere that normally, guys get turned on by that; I also read that it's okay to do that because it helps you find out about yourself sexually; and because I started to realize there was a real "problem" with OUR sex lives when he wouldn't take what the dr. gave him for sexual "problems". I wanted to see his reaction. When I told him, he was horrified and didn't want to hear anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders :) . I told him it gets rid of my headaches when I have them, and it relaxes me, etc.

LOL I think I'd have liked to see his expression :lol: Poor guy.

TEE HEE! :lol:

[pupsbabygirl]

Thanks CopyFox. I'll look around this site for those.

Switching the flow of conversation just for a second, I have to fess up like Chiaroscuro and say that I do manual manipulation as well. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. It seems like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention this since the subject came up. However, I've never used the plastic either and have never ventured outside of the relationship.

*Glances around AVEN* I think you're preaching to a choir a bit, lol. Remember, sexual arousal is different than sexual attraction. There plenty of people who masterbate and are still asexual. I don't myself, but it's definitely out there.

I didn't think of the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. Okay. That makes sense.

Well, my doing the m word offends my husband. I never told him that I've been doing it for years until recently because I thought he'd make fun or hold it against me. In fact, now that I think of it he did make fun of me for it at least once years ago. I forgot about that until now. What motivated me to tell him was several things: I read somewhere that normally, guys get turned on by that; I also read that it's okay to do that because it helps you find out about yourself sexually; and because I started to realize there was a real "problem" with OUR sex lives when he wouldn't take what the dr. gave him for sexual "problems". I wanted to see his reaction. When I told him, he was horrified and didn't want to hear anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders :) . I told him it gets rid of my headaches when I have them, and it relaxes me, etc.

LOL I think I'd have liked to see his expression :lol: Poor guy.

TEE HEE! :lol:

hehehehe :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[luvmybabies]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I too would have loved to see his expression.

My husband knows that I use my sex toys often, all by myself, in fact, he will see me take one into the spare room (all alone) knowing what I am about to do, and he will just roll over in his bed and go back to sleep. LOL LOL, I NEVER met a man like this one, that is for SURE, most men come a running, dying to see me do it ???

LOL

Either way, I am not giving up my regular orgasms, just because he doesn't like sex or anything to do with sex.

That just ain't gonna happen, a girl has needs :-)

LOL