Physically sexually attracted but not mentally involved?

[krmnlg]

I used to ID as asexual but maybe im not anymore. I feel like my body is playing games with me and I feel so confused as im not mentally involved with it. Its as if my body and mind simply dont sync.

 

Several days ago, i was watched a movie with a friend of mine and I noticed I started to feel physically aroused. Then, I started to notice these feelings would appear everytime a certain actor appeared on screen. This was odd for me as I personally didnt thought this guy was sexually appealing. I could recognize others could find him aesthetically pleasing, but thats it. This guy isnt mentally arousing *at all*, its just my body acting weird. I dont feel an urge or a pull to be sexually intimate with this guy. I dont even want to touch him sensually. Its not like I dont want to act on my feelings, its that I simply dont have a pull to act on. So no feelings to even start with

 

I cant find him to be subjectively arousing. Idc how he'd be in bed nor do I like the idea of being sexually involved with him. I cant even picture it without it feeling weird and honestly just boring. But for some reason, my body got its own agenda. I wanted to "check" my attraction so I looked for some pictures of the actor and it happend again, sorta? I mean, yeah by body felt warmer and I got a feeling like I had to go to the toilet but it was located in my womb? Weird. But again, no urges, no curiousity, no happy feeling caused by dopamine for this guy. Its like I just completely lack the mental part of sexual attraction. 

 

No other factors other than his appearance could have caused it. During the movie or when I looked at pics of him, nothing sexually happend so its not like that couldve caused it. 

 

Scenario: imagine ur around lets say, a painting. You think it looks cool sure but thats it. You arent really mentally excited for anything, cuz its just a painting, nothing special. Its the same feeling as you'd look to anything else, mentally. Except from the fact your body decides to act weird. Cuz thats exactly how it feels like. 

 

Can someone perhaps relate? Is this even sexual attraction, or just a weird form of libido? If its attraction, what label could possibly fit me? When I read abt how allos experience sexual attraction, I cant really relate.

Thanks for reading

[Ceebs]

This is why I don't like defining asexuality in terms of this elusive 'sexual attraction' thing. Do you ever desire partnered sex? If so, you're sexual; if not, asexual. Some asexuals seem to experience physical arousal in the way you've described. On the other hand, I've literally never had that happen in my life, can't relate, and I'm sexual. I can think someone is good-looking, but I don't become aroused.

 

So if you don't want sex, there's absolutely no reason you can't still identify as asexual. And if that changes, if you ever do find yourself desiring sex with someone, you don't have to stick to that label. 

[RoseGoesToYale]

Arousal isn't necessarily indicative of sexual attraction or desire. People can get aroused by anything... hearing a certain voice, seeing a conventionally attractive person, even the vibration from sitting on a train or bus. It's the body going "Oh hey, sex might happen, better get ready in case it does.", even if it doesn't, because lizard brain doesn't understand the difference between having sex and wanting it. Asexuals can still experience arousal without being attracted to anyone, nor wanting sex.

[krmnlg]

On 11/28/2022 at 7:32 PM, RoseGoesToYale said:

Arousal isn't necessarily indicative of sexual attraction or desire. People can get aroused by anything... hearing a certain voice, seeing a conventionally attractive person, even the vibration from sitting on a train or bus. It's the body going "Oh hey, sex might happen, better get ready in case it does.", even if it doesn't, because lizard brain doesn't understand the difference between having sex and wanting it. Asexuals can still experience arousal without being attracted to anyone, nor wanting sex.

That makes so much sense. Thank you

[Geekykitty]

On 11/28/2022 at 10:58 PM, krmnlg said:

Several days ago, i was watched a movie with a friend of mine and I noticed I started to feel physically aroused. Then, I started to notice these feelings would appear everytime a certain actor appeared on screen. This was odd for me as I personally didnt thought this guy was sexually appealing

 

On 11/28/2022 at 10:58 PM, krmnlg said:

Is this even sexual attraction, or just a weird form of libido?

People seem to have many different ideas about what sexual attaction actually is. Some say its wanting to have sex with someone, others might say its more finding someone sexually appealing, or feeling physical type pull/arousal for that person. People can experience sexual attraction kinda differently also. It really is difficult sometimes to understand our feelings and then our body is doing all this other crazy stuff as well that we have no control over. 

I have sometimes felt some arousal from watching a sex scene on tv. It wasn't specifically because I like the 2 people involved or wanted to have sex with them, its just the act of them having sex caused my body to have a physical type reaction. I don't really see this as sexual attraction. In your case I guess its a bit different since its a specific person making you feel arousal. I guess some people might describe that as some form of sexual attraction. But its important to note there is a distinction between a reaction from our body and what we actually feel like we want with our mind/soul/self/whatever you want to call it. I imagine for most sexual people they want sex not just because their body feels aroused, but because their mind wants it too.  I think sometimes our hormones can just arouse certain feelings in our body. I think whether people call that sexual attraction or whatever doesn't matter. What matters is whether you actually feel a desire within you to have sex or not. I think you could still call yourself asexual if you feel no desire to have sex with anyone.

[krmnlg]

3 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

 

People seem to have many different ideas about what sexual attaction actually is. Some say its wanting to have sex with someone, others might say its more finding someone sexually appealing, or feeling physical type pull/arousal for that person. People can experience sexual attraction kinda differently also. It really is difficult sometimes to understand our feelings and then our body is doing all this other crazy stuff as well that we have no control over. 

I have sometimes felt some arousal from watching a sex scene on tv. It wasn't specifically because I like the 2 people involved or wanted to have sex with them, its just the act of them having sex caused my body to have a physical type reaction. I don't really see this as sexual attraction. In your case I guess its a bit different since its a specific person making you feel arousal. I guess some people might describe that as some form of sexual attraction. But its important to note there is a distinction between a reaction from our body and what we actually feel like we want with our mind/soul/self/whatever you want to call it. I imagine for most sexual people they want sex not just because their body feels aroused, but because their mind wants it too.  I think sometimes our hormones can just arouse certain feelings in our body. I think whether people call that sexual attraction or whatever doesn't matter. What matters is whether you actually feel a desire within you to have sex or not. I think you could still call yourself asexual if you feel no desire to have sex with anyone.

I see, thanks for your response

 

All I know is that I certainly dont find this guy to be subjectively sexually attractive or anything. I dont wanna frick him, nor do I feel a "pull" for it. So, without a pull it isnt attraction (to attract)? Therefore, it took me a while to realize he was causing it, as I personally didnt liked him that way. Hes just like any other person to me except from he fact my body thought otherwise? I think im just gonna accept this is a physical reponse of my body I can do nothing abt. 

 

Tho, I still dont get why my brain considered him to be "sexually relevant stimulis" as I have no interest in this guy at all. But, bodies do what bodies do

[Geekykitty]

5 hours ago, krmnlg said:

I see, thanks for your response

 

All I know is that I certainly dont find this guy to be subjectively sexually attractive or anything. I dont wanna frick him, nor do I feel a "pull" for it. So, without a pull it isnt attraction (to attract)? Therefore, it took me a while to realize he was causing it, as I personally didnt liked him that way. Hes just like any other person to me except from he fact my body thought otherwise? I think im just gonna accept this is a physical reponse of my body I can do nothing abt. 

 

Tho, I still dont get why my brain considered him to be "sexually relevant stimulis" as I have no interest in this guy at all. But, bodies do what bodies do

Yeah I felt kinda attracted to someone once who I hardly even knew and didnt like as a person. I wouldnt even call it attraction, but for some reason I felt "something" for them, felt nervous when I saw them etc... It wasn't aesthetic attraction cos I didnt think they were good looking either. Maybe it was a romantic type atttaction? I didnt feel arousal/sexual attraction. But it annoyed me that I had this "interest" in this person against my will! It was different from when I have a crush on a celebrity who I actually think is good looking and like their personality etc. I didnt even like this person or their appearance, yet somehow my body seemed to react to them in a strange way. It was just annoying 😫  

Yes maybe we have to accept sometimes our bodies do weird things. I think our bodies are programmed in a way to maybe seek out a companion in life as a kind of survival mechanism. There must be something about this guy that your body thinks would make a good partner for you. I think in my case the guy I had a strange pull towards was kinda weird and awkward and I am a bit that way too, so maybe my body thought we would go well together!

[krmnlg]

On 12/4/2022 at 8:57 PM, Geekykitty said:

Yeah I felt kinda attracted to someone once who I hardly even knew and didnt like as a person. I wouldnt even call it attraction, but for some reason I felt "something" for them, felt nervous when I saw them etc... It wasn't aesthetic attraction cos I didnt think they were good looking either. Maybe it was a romantic type atttaction? I didnt feel arousal/sexual attraction. But it annoyed me that I had this "interest" in this person against my will! It was different from when I have a crush on a celebrity who I actually think is good looking and like their personality etc. I didnt even like this person or their appearance, yet somehow my body seemed to react to them in a strange way. It was just annoying 😫  

Yes maybe we have to accept sometimes our bodies do weird things. I think our bodies are programmed in a way to maybe seek out a companion in life as a kind of survival mechanism. There must be something about this guy that your body thinks would make a good partner for you. I think in my case the guy I had a strange pull towards was kinda weird and awkward and I am a bit that way too, so maybe my body thought we would go well together!

Interesting to hear your story, thank you for sharing!

 

Maybe our bodies do this because (maybe it sounds a bit weird) we are still animals. Almost all animals have the goal to be born, breed and die. So exactly what you said indeed. Its just a bodily reaction that happens because our evolution has determined that when we see a good looking person and/or touch them, it has to prepare itself for seggsy time. 

 

I honestly think its a bit weird to base attraction purely off bodily responses. Maybe aesthetic attraction still releases positive hormones (serotonin, dopamine, oestrogen) since eye-to-brain is processing something it likes. So maybe, it causes arousal sometimes as well? I honestly dont really know, I aint a professor aha. Also, if you would base attraction off just arousal, that would be saying a guy with erectile issues cannot feel sexually attracted to people. This makes me think basing attraction off bodily responses isnt really accurate

 

But attraction should describe feeling drawn/pull to someone which I personally didnt experienced for this guy. I just find them attractive and my body recognises that feeling to cause arousal. Because for most people, finding someone attractive -> sexual attraction -> seggsy time. Its evoluntionary I think.

 

But yes, sometimes attraction can be really weird. I remember experiencing somewhat the same like you several years ago. She wasnt cute, hot nor she had a very likeable personality. Tho, I'd still feel a bit warm when I saw her. I later on did develop a squish for her tho. Thats the moment I genuinly called it attraction 

[Another Sky]

Recently I was thinking about the difference between sexual attraction, sexual desire and sexual arousal. The resources I found on Reddit helped me understand for the first time that sexual arousal and sexual desire are two different things. https://asexualitytrust.org.nz/what-is-asexuality/attraction-vs-arousal/

 

I already had the urge to masturbate from a very young age, and I used to call that desire "sexual desire". However, I could call it "sexual arousal". (According to AVENwiki, sexual desire is the desire to have sex with someone, and the article above implied that excitement is the urge to stimulate the genitals to get pleasure.)

So, this confusion between sexual desire and sexual arousal was the reason why I mistakenly believed for a long time that I was not asexual. I thought that I couldn't be asexual when I had such masturbation urges.  At the same time, it was hard to understand for me why I have never truly desired sex with another person.