Lonely and tired

[Liara]

My situation has nothing exceptional. I'm a woman living with my girlfriend for more than 20 years now. She was my first and I started (and ended) my sexual life with her. One month. Our first month. After that, she asked me to stop because of a little medical problem she had to solve. I didn't know at this time it would be definitive. I was 23, understood nothing, felt rejected and unattractive and she couldn't give me an answer because she didn't know herself.

Years later, I heard about asexuality, told her about that and she was relieved. Nothing wrong with her. She could be free to be herself.

 

I was happy too for her, she could finally not feel guilty. But my guilt stayed. I felt so wrong. I felt guilt to be so sad for that. That must no be so important.

Like others say here, one of the hardest things is to feel not desired. Not her fault, not mine, she just can't. I know it. But that hurts nevertheless.

 

I had no more desire for her. I accepted that. But I still have desire. I still want to feel. I am 45 and I had known nothing. And I know there is no solution. I can't leave her, for some reasons. And I know that, even if I was single, I would meet nobody, some anxiety problems, I never go out.

We can't have open relationship. Not possible. And she is sex-repulsed, and doesn't like to be touched. No cuddle, no kissing. 

 

There is a part of me I don't know. And I will never know, explore. I have nobody to talk about that. Sometimes I feel so lonely. Sex is everywhere around us. Intimacy, sharing, trust, vulnerability, everything who could be explore in a romantic relationship, I can't. And there is nothing I can do to change that. And I'm so tired to feel that.

[JJDD]

Hey, I just want you to know I’m going through the same thing and I feel the exact same way exactly it hurts so bad to feel rejected from your partner. I do have to admit that it’s probably not as bad as yours. We still cuddle and kiss and things I’m not trying to rub that in or anything I’m just trying to say that my situation may be a little different but my feelings and my hurt and the crying inside my chest every day and every night when I have to sleep alone is so terrible and so lonely but yet you know you’re loved and you never will be able to grab that rainbow of love, I think a lot of people associate that only with sex, but I think a lot of this a sexuality also links to some sort of introverted Ness. All I want to do is feel appreciated and loved and fulfilled, and for somebody to automatically reject you before anything even started, and to know that you’ll never happen again  or that you have to wait for years and months for anything to show or manifest itself in love or affection other than just a kiss or a hug or goodbye or going out to dinner or going to museum something is missing something is lacking and hurting and aching I think men have the worst problem with this because the stereotypes about men are so bad I feel like there’s a lot of man haters out there  And I don’t think that men should be body shamed because they feel more sexually active or anybody should feel more ashamed because they feel more less sexually attractive. My wife demands the same feelings for me demands them even tells me she demands them, but yet he’s unwilling to find a way to break through to get to me. I guess she only thinks that everything I do is only about sex which is really sad because I told her it’s not. I told her that I want to do other things that are intimate  or that we can even do things that are just for her if she does want to be more sexually something but in the end I get the feeling that she only thinks that I just want to get in her pants which is weird because I can count on after 15 years how many times we’ve done it or been naked basically on my hands and toes there’s no relationship of sexuality here there never will be. I’ve never have a hope. We’re had a hope in the last 10 or 15 years there ever will be so I don’t know what she’s worried about , I guess she’s just worried about my mental health problems and then I freak out and have anxiety. I completely understand how bad it is to have anxiety problems, and then live with somebody who just tailors to those specific anxieties over and over again by not giving us as anxious people, a better understanding or more love that we need . I know they don’t do it on purpose. I know they care and just like you I’m not gonna leave, but yeah, this side of my life will never be explored will never be loved will die with me to my grave. I’m crying right now just to think about how horrible it is to not be able to embrace your wife, or to have that passion or love it’s so terrible I understand so much you’re not alone I’m crying with you  Lie in our beds together and will think about all those people who sleep alone. My wife even move me out of the room in the living room when I was gone with my sister in the states, she said she wanted more room to work out and then one day she even yelled at me when we were talking about sex and she said that her room was good because she had privacy to jerk off  while I was just like wow I go to the states for four months to visit my family and come back and my wife movie out of her bedroom got rid of our queen bed now I sleep in the living room on the couch bed she says it’s because I have mental health issues and because I didn’t sleep anyway but it’s so horrible to not even have a choice now to lay next to your wife, or hold her hand or just be there in the room with her when you’re scared or frightened about life I can’t even have a choice now to go in there and lay next to her or to be close to her I have to ask permission now now it’s her room in my room which is my room it’s just the living room which is also the living room, so yeah I know your loneliness and I know how much you suffer 

[JJDD]

😢😢😢

[uhtred]

Difficult as it is, I think you should think carefully through your assumptions that nothing can change.   You are still young and there is a lot of life for you to enjoy.   You haven't said (and don't need to say) why you can't leave and find someone who will desire you, and she can find someone who won't (however unintentionally) make her feel pressured.

 

Ask yourself if you are REALLY making each other happy or if you are staying because you think you should.  Its something only you can know.

[Liara]

I can't leave because of our financial situation. I don't want to detail it but that's just not possible.

And I will not meet someone else. When I say I never go out, that's that. Agoraphobia and panic attacks. I only go out once every 3 months for my therapy. I can't go to restaurant (there is a lot of things I can't eat, that makes me sick), I can't travel... And when you're a lesbian in a small city, meeting someone already is difficult. But in my situation? Impossible.

And I work from home, freelance. No colleague.

(And of course, I don't want to leave her. We share the same values and see the world the same way, that's precious even if we have our problems.)

 

I don't pressure her. Not anymore, for years. I don't want to make her uncomfortable so I hide a lot of things. Maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know. I just don't want she sees me as a monster, a perv, a too weak person she can't understand because she can't feel the same thing I feel.

Sometimes, it's ok and I don't think about it. And sometimes it eats me alive and I fight not to drown.

[Liara]

Thank you, JJDD. Your situation is not an easy one too...

[anisotrophic]

On 11/28/2022 at 12:13 AM, Liara said:

I can't leave because of our financial situation. I don't want to detail it but that's just not possible.

I think feeling "trapped" in a relationship is an awful situation to be in, it's an underlying and fundamental problem. It tends to lead to people accepting treatment they wouldn't otherwise tolerate. Is there any way you can refocus your attention on solving that problem?

Having strong interpersonal relationships -- people that strongly care about you and your wellbeing -- is very valuable. These relationships do NOT need to be romantic. It's also very slow to build these, if you lack them. Do you have other strong relationships in your life?

As difficult as it is to do, you might want to consider focusing on how you might build or grow relationships -- other than the one with your wife. That isn't implying that the relationship with your wife should be rejected: rather, it's in the interest of improving it, as a marriage can suffer when that relationship becomes "dependency" due to someone lacking strong relationships with others.

I suspect both of those are very long goals. And I think they're worth focusing on.

 

I empathize with your pessimism regarding dating; I have different but similarly strong reasons for pessimism. My personal approach has been to focus on thinking "my life can be good and meaningful without this" -- i.e. via relationships with friends and/or family -- and that's helped a lot.

[Liara]

Thank you so much for your answer.

Honestly this "dependent" relationship really is recent (2 years). And that's right that changes our dynamic. And all the COVID stress didn't help, of course.

 

I don't have any other relationship in my life, strong or not. Pretty hard to have one when you stay at home every time. Some years ago, I tried to go to meeting of different associations... But that failed. And I felt more rejected than ever. Hard to make new friends irl. I already was bad at it at school so...

My only contacts with others people is by internet.

I must say I don't really "believe" in friendship anymore. Too much hurt, too much disappointment.

If I was single, I know I would stay in complete loneliness. I am totally jaded...

[anisotrophic]

On 11/29/2022 at 1:14 PM, Liara said:

Hard to make new friends irl.

Personally I value the relationships I've had "online" quite a lot. There are people I've met only once or twice in person, if ever, but see several times a month. The important thing is that I'm in "places" where I have recurring interactions with the same people, not one-off interactions with people I won't interact with again.

 

In case it helps, an abstraction I've found useful... about where motivation for interpersonal relationships comes from: it generally draws on things already "shared" with each other -- experiences, interests, and goals.

Unpacking that... it's all a bit overlapped, but it's nice to reflect on how many forms this can take. Shared experience could be from shared experiences of culture/ethnicity, similar past professional experiences, lgbtq+ experiences, parenting experiences, similar experiences with chronic health conditions. Shared interests could be current professional experiences, political interests, shared hobbies, similar media preferences. Shared goals can arise from living together, raising children together, or working together on the same project or effort (which can be professional, hobby, advocacy).

My point is: it's very true that in some (sometimes many!) dimensions it's very hard to find others that share our experiences, interests, and goals. It might help to try to focus on aspects of yourself that are more likely to be "shared" with others, and ways to interact with people more likely to share these things.

I hope the "dependent" relationship improves. 😕 I know I've felt very trapped in my marriage after the pandemic precipitated career derailment.

[Liara]

I have "online" relationships. People with whom I talk regularly, who share some same interests than me. But that's not the same than "irl", that I don't have. Of course, it helps... But there is "friendly" intimacy you can't develop without real contact. I don't think I'm a "physical" person who needs a lot of touch but I think I miss that.

 

The dependant relationship will stay for long, I think. But that's not the only reason who makes I can't leave.

Actually, the more I read the forum, the more I see there is no solution. There are only 4 options, and neither of them is satisfying for us (as for a lot of sexual people here). 

[Liara]

So tired to rehash this subject regularly, monthly when my body craves for touch and intimacy, for more than 20 years, without any chance of improvement. I'm just feeling extremely sad, and stupid to feel like that only for that. We can say what we want, it feels like being stuck in a personal hell, sometimes nearly manageable, sometimes unbearable. After so many times, I hoped it would became easier, unfortunately no...

[uhtred]

19 hours ago, Liara said:

So tired to rehash this subject regularly, monthly when my body craves for touch and intimacy, for more than 20 years, without any chance of improvement. I'm just feeling extremely sad, and stupid to feel like that only for that. We can say what we want, it feels like being stuck in a personal hell, sometimes nearly manageable, sometimes unbearable. After so many times, I hoped it would became easier, unfortunately no...

At least for me, after >30 years it hasn't gotten easier, and I assume never will.  All I can suggest is that you be aware things won't change and either be content with what you have, or end the relationship.  This is a situation where "hope" just causes more pain.

 

I  know its cruel, and unfair.   No one is at fault, but the situation is still miserable.

[Liara]

I know. And I have no hope about this situation for years. And I know there is no acceptable solution. So I will just live in this personal hell until the end...

[Traveler40]

3 hours ago, Liara said:

I know. And I have no hope about this situation for years. And I know there is no acceptable solution. So I will just live in this personal hell until the end...

I’m sorry 😣 

[Liara]

I think I just realized something who bothers me in my relationship. For her, since I told her about asexuality, the case is closed. "Yeah, I'm certainly asexual, so we don't have to talk about that anymore". She had the answer about how she felt for years so that's done. She has no interest about that so why talking about? Sometimes I try to talk about a fictional character who can be ace (she doesn't know this term), she said ok and... Done.

Now (for years) I feel like I'm the only one who has a problem here and I can't resolve myself to talk about that with her. That's hard for her (and me because I feel guilty to talk about that AGAIN). She seems not part of it anymore.

[Mountain House]

5 hours ago, Liara said:

because I feel guilty

What you wrote there isn't an uncommon story here. I've felt that way myself.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for talking about your authentic self. It's a tough bump to get over, I know. My conversation eventually became something along the lines of:

 

We've explored and found your authentic self, made changes, and now our relationship fully supports your health and happiness. I see you, accept you, and love you as you are. Now I'm going to explore my authentic self, including my needs for a fulfilling and happy life. I wish for you to accept me as I am.

 

This opened a conversation about what and how I would be exploring. And be aware, break-up is unilateral and always on the table.

 

This is about you, not about her. What do you need?

[Liara]

Hm... Not easy to know what I want because I never could have tried before. Like I read on this forum in another topic, with years, I certainly embellished what a relationship with sex and intimacy could be...

I know there is part of me I don't know because I never had the opportunity to explore it. But I also know I can't explore that with her because she can't.

 

So... I'm stuck.

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, Liara said:

Not easy to know what I want because I never could have tried before.

It sounds like you want to try and that's legit. You might consider talking with your girlfriend about you visiting a sex worker. Sex workers are generally professional, like a therapist, and committed to their craft in a transactional way.

 

3 hours ago, Liara said:

I'm stuck.

I'm sorry.

[Liara]

I'm not interested by a sex worker. And tbh I have no idea how I could find a lesbian sex worker in my city...

But for sure that's not a service who interests me. Sex without feelings... Even with my very little experience, I know that's not for me.

[Liara]

And to add about sex workers, sex with someone who doesn't really want me, I tried it and that's really bad. Never again.

[uhtred]

On 1/17/2023 at 1:59 AM, Liara said:

I think I just realized something who bothers me in my relationship. For her, since I told her about asexuality, the case is closed. "Yeah, I'm certainly asexual, so we don't have to talk about that anymore". She had the answer about how she felt for years so that's done. She has no interest about that so why talking about? Sometimes I try to talk about a fictional character who can be ace (she doesn't know this term), she said ok and... Done.

Now (for years) I feel like I'm the only one who has a problem here and I can't resolve myself to talk about that with her. That's hard for her (and me because I feel guilty to talk about that AGAIN). She seems not part of it anymore.

It is a problem in mixed relationships that often one person just gives up.  Sometimes its the asexual person deciding to have sex that they don't want.  But more often it the sexual person giving up their sexual selves.  Its of course the only reasonable answer, since having someone feeling pressured or coerced into sex they don't want is terrible.

 

But...giving up ones sexual self is also bad.  I'm not going to try to compare badness, there is no metric, no scale to weight it on, but its bad. Its very difficult not to develop a sense of resentment for the part of your life that has been "taken" from you by your partner - even though of course that isn't their intent.   Because of the way it must work out, they get what they want (a loving relationship without sex) and you don't get the sexual relationship you desire.  There is no compromise, you give up everything because there is no other way.

Your partner will probably never desire any form of sex - based on what you have posted.  There is no morally acceptable way for you to have sex / intimacy with them.  So what can you do? It really  resolves into the only choices anyone in this situation has:

 

Leave your partner and find someone sexually compatible

 

Stay in the relationship and have sex with someone else.  But you've said that doesn't interest you, and from your description of your partner's repulsion, I suspect they would not find that acceptable. 

 

Live a sexless life, (at least with partners).

 

Those choices are all terrible, all unfair but I think they are all you have.  All I can say (from a >30 year mixed relationship) is that you recognize that you can choose, and then do.  Don't wait and hope it will get better - it won't.  Don't stay while harboring resentment and end up unhappy, having your love fade, yet still being sexless.

 

You have my sympathy - and that of many people here.   Its a really unfortunate situation to be in.

 

feel free to pm

 

[Liara]

2 hours ago, uhtred said:

It is a problem in mixed relationships that often one person just gives up.  Sometimes its the asexual person deciding to have sex that they don't want.  But more often it the sexual person giving up their sexual selves.  Its of course the only reasonable answer, since having someone feeling pressured or coerced into sex they don't want is terrible.

 

But...giving up ones sexual self is also bad.  I'm not going to try to compare badness, there is no metric, no scale to weight it on, but its bad. Its very difficult not to develop a sense of resentment for the part of your life that has been "taken" from you by your partner - even though of course that isn't their intent.   Because of the way it must work out, they get what they want (a loving relationship without sex) and you don't get the sexual relationship you desire.  There is no compromise, you give up everything because there is no other way.

Your partner will probably never desire any form of sex - based on what you have posted.  There is no morally acceptable way for you to have sex / intimacy with them.  So what can you do? It really  resolves into the only choices anyone in this situation has:

 

Leave your partner and find someone sexually compatible

 

Stay in the relationship and have sex with someone else.  But you've said that doesn't interest you, and from your description of your partner's repulsion, I suspect they would not find that acceptable. 

 

Live a sexless life, (at least with partners).

 

Those choices are all terrible, all unfair but I think they are all you have.  All I can say (from a >30 year mixed relationship) is that you recognize that you can choose, and then do.  Don't wait and hope it will get better - it won't.  Don't stay while harboring resentment and end up unhappy, having your love fade, yet still being sexless.

 

You have my sympathy - and that of many people here.   Its a really unfortunate situation to be in.

 

feel free to pm

 

After more than 20 years in this situation, I don't think I resent her. She has no chosen to be like that, or what she lived when she was younger. I know it makes her feel bad and she is afraid I lack something. I know she is a grown-up person but I want to protect her from the pain to understand my own pain. I don't want she feels guilty for something she can't change. I'm already suffering (sometimes, not everytime), it would change nothing to make her suffer too...

I already thought of the 3 choices. I can't leave her. Materially and morally, that's impossible.
And even if i did that, my way of life makes I would stay alone. I have absolutely no opportunity to meet someone. For a straight woman, it certainly is (more) easy... for a lesbian woman, it's not. I don't go out, I don't do club, I don't make any activity... In 20 years, how many lesbian who could have interested me have I met? Oh, yeah, no one.
Queer loneliness is a real problem in small cities.
I know how I would be if I was single. That would be really bad.

I aleady have anxiety, agoraphobia and depression problems. My freelance work takes me a lot of energy. I don't have friends IRL.
My relationship should be my "rock", something who helps me to find stability, to feel loved and accepted. Is that the case? Yes... and not exactly. I know she loves me, she shows me her love like she can, just very unlucky it's not exactly the way I need it. My way to show her my love is incomplete and makes me full of doubts sometimes. I feel like she deserves better.

[Geekykitty]

On 1/22/2023 at 8:01 PM, Liara said:

I know how I would be if I was single. That would be really bad.

I aleady have anxiety, agoraphobia and depression problems. My freelance work takes me a lot of energy. I don't have friends IRL.
My relationship should be my "rock", something who helps me to find stability, to feel loved and accepted. Is that the case? Yes... and not exactly. I know she loves me, she shows me her love like she can, just very unlucky it's not exactly the way I need it. My way to show her my love is incomplete and makes me full of doubts sometimes. I feel like she deserves better.

I'm sorry for your situation..It seems to me that the problem isn't just your partner's asexuality but also other issues in your life - anxiety, agoraphobia etc... Is your partner supportive of you in dealing with these issues? Do you get along well with your partner, do you love eachother etc...? I don't think most relationships are perfect. I think we all have things we want that would make our life "ideal." Unfortunately real life sucks. Real life can be hard, crap stuff happens to us, people hurt us, we have problems... I know that sounds depressive, sorry! The point I'm trying to make is if you don't feel you can leave your partner to find something better, maybe you need to just accept the relationship as it is. Yes it isn't perfect, isn't exactly what you want, but few things are perfect. Maybe you can try to focus on appreciating the good parts of the relationship ? As example I think of my job. There are some things i Iike about my job, and other things that I don't like. Now my choices are either to quit and try to find a different job, or stay. I choose to stay because its a stable job I know well and provides for me financially and I have anxiety so finding a new job would cause alot of stress. But its not good for my mental health if I keep dwelling on all the aspects of the job I don't like and dreaming of some perfect job that probably doesnt even exist. Its far better if I appreciate and enjoy the aspects of the job I like and just accept the job isnt perfect and I will have to put up with some annoying aspects. Does that make sense? Yes your relationship isn't perfect and exactly what you want, but few things in life are. There must be many aspects of the relationship you do like for you to stay.  There are many things I want in my life but can't have. I want my skin condition to heal, I would like a perfect relationship, I would like to heal my anxiety and depression. So you are not alone in wanting things you can't have and feeling unhappy about aspects of your life. I am trying to put my focus more on the things I do have, which is hard I know 😫 Like my cat who I really love. Anyway I just think maybe you need to change your perspective on the relationship a little because I'm gathering from what you say you love this person and get along well, just the sexual aspect is missing? The choice really is yours - you leave and try to find something better (which may or may not be possible), or you stay and accept the person and relationship for what it is even if its not perfect. Its hard I know, but I think we have to work at sometimes accepting things for what they are instead of chasing perfection or something that is impossible to reach. 

[Ceebs]

Not the OP obviously and I get what you're saying, and perhaps it is a good idea to focus on the positives at times, but having been in something very similar to the OP's situation once, where I believed no one else who'd really want me could ever be found because of the... er, complications... that come with being me, I know it's profoundly painful in ways that are about more than the sexual mismatch and you blame yourself a lot. If only I was different somehow [read: 'normal'], it would be easy to leave. Leaving would be an option instead of being effectively impossible. I will never take for granted the fact that the specifics of my situation have played out in a very unlikely way that make me incredibly lucky. Many people aren't. I'd 100% still be married to and living with my asexual ex-husband if certain timings of various life things hadn't been exactly as they were, pretty much just by fluke. And I would far rather still be with him in my totally platonic marriage with someone who's kind to me and with no major conflicts -- and yes, also no romance and no sex -- than be alone, because he's a good person and we get on ok and there's a decent chance I would be dead if I was totally alone in the world. I'll take a platonic life companion over what seems like the virtually impossible struggle of coping all alone anyday.

 

My life isn't a typical one. It isn't now and it never has been and probably never will be. My relationships haven't been typical. My ex is a really great person and my current partner is a really great person too, and although the marriage-to-my-ex chapter of my life has passed, I'm so lucky to have had him in my life in the past and still now. And every day I'm basically incredulous that I've found my current partner, who loves me in all the ways I need, when I didn't think anyone else could ever be... ok... with me. (Tbh I feel guilty a lot of the time, like both of them deserve to have had or currently have someone better than me.) Even my other relationship in between those two relationships, with my ex-girlfriend, brought me things I'm grateful for despite the fact that it was ultimately a disaster and more or less did make me feel like no one besides my ex-husband would ever be alright with me being me. It played a big role in the timing of everything. Had I not found the partner I have now though, I would still likely be in that position of not being able to leave my ex-husband, knowing it just wasn't feasible for a million and one reasons, and hating myself for it. Wishing to be a different person so I could have the more accessible options it seems many others have. Feeling frustrated, ashamed, bitter, depressed, trapped, guilty, empty, unfulfilled in a way I longed for but believed wasn't meant for people like me...

 

It's rough. There's stuff to be grateful for when you're in that position if you have a partner who's a good person, but there's stuff that makes it seem so entirely hopeless too, and some days that's so overwhelmingly painful to think about that you kind of just can't let yourself do so unless you want to go down a hole of existential despair.

 

At least that was my experience. I think I have a sense of where the OP is coming from.

 

Now just other things that aren't about my relationship(s) are overwhelmingly painful to think about and lead me down holes of existential despair. 🙃 (Wouldn't be mental illness if you didn't joke about it, right...?)

[Liara]

3 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

I'm sorry for your situation..It seems to me that the problem isn't just your partner's asexuality but also other issues in your life - anxiety, agoraphobia etc... Is your partner supportive of you in dealing with these issues? Do you get along well with your partner, do you love eachother etc...? I don't think most relationships are perfect. I think we all have things we want that would make our life "ideal." Unfortunately real life sucks. Real life can be hard, crap stuff happens to us, people hurt us, we have problems... I know that sounds depressive, sorry! The point I'm trying to make is if you don't feel you can leave your partner to find something better, maybe you need to just accept the relationship as it is. Yes it isn't perfect, isn't exactly what you want, but few things are perfect. Maybe you can try to focus on appreciating the good parts of the relationship ? As example I think of my job. There are some things i Iike about my job, and other things that I don't like. Now my choices are either to quit and try to find a different job, or stay. I choose to stay because its a stable job I know well and provides for me financially and I have anxiety so finding a new job would cause alot of stress. But its not good for my mental health if I keep dwelling on all the aspects of the job I don't like and dreaming of some perfect job that probably doesnt even exist. Its far better if I appreciate and enjoy the aspects of the job I like and just accept the job isnt perfect and I will have to put up with some annoying aspects. Does that make sense? Yes your relationship isn't perfect and exactly what you want, but few things in life are. There must be many aspects of the relationship you do like for you to stay.  There are many things I want in my life but can't have. I want my skin condition to heal, I would like a perfect relationship, I would like to heal my anxiety and depression. So you are not alone in wanting things you can't have and feeling unhappy about aspects of your life. I am trying to put my focus more on the things I do have, which is hard I know 😫 Like my cat who I really love. Anyway I just think maybe you need to change your perspective on the relationship a little because I'm gathering from what you say you love this person and get along well, just the sexual aspect is missing? The choice really is yours - you leave and try to find something better (which may or may not be possible), or you stay and accept the person and relationship for what it is even if its not perfect. Its hard I know, but I think we have to work at sometimes accepting things for what they are instead of chasing perfection or something that is impossible to reach. 

That's what I try to do, to make my actual situation more tolerable for me. I totally get what you mean, I had lived the same situation with my previous work. I didn't like it for a lot of reasons and once my mind achieved to accept it, it became easier and less painful.
(Then, 2 weeks later, after 6 years of work, I was fired... Ha ha, life...)
So I try to find what could help me to enjoy more and suffer less. But that's hard because relationship between humans is what makes life liveable and when they are not satisfying, it devours you from inside. I'm not specifically talking about the sexual aspect but about everything who comes with it, intimacy, sharing, vulnerability, connection... Something I know she just can't give me and that's not her fault.
So I try... but I know that's not really living. That's a substitute...

[Liara]

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

At least that was my experience. I think I have a sense of where the OP is coming from.

Your words resonate a lot with me, that's weird. I don't know what to think about that...

[uhtred]

On 1/22/2023 at 1:01 AM, Liara said:

After more than 20 years in this situation, I don't think I resent her. She has no chosen to be like that, or what she lived when she was younger. I know it makes her feel bad and she is afraid I lack something. I know she is a grown-up person but I want to protect her from the pain to understand my own pain. I don't want she feels guilty for something she can't change. I'm already suffering (sometimes, not everytime), it would change nothing to make her suffer too...

I already thought of the 3 choices. I can't leave her. Materially and morally, that's impossible.
And even if i did that, my way of life makes I would stay alone. I have absolutely no opportunity to meet someone. For a straight woman, it certainly is (more) easy... for a lesbian woman, it's not. I don't go out, I don't do club, I don't make any activity... In 20 years, how many lesbian who could have interested me have I met? Oh, yeah, no one.
Queer loneliness is a real problem in small cities.
I know how I would be if I was single. That would be really bad.

I aleady have anxiety, agoraphobia and depression problems. My freelance work takes me a lot of energy. I don't have friends IRL.
My relationship should be my "rock", something who helps me to find stability, to feel loved and accepted. Is that the case? Yes... and not exactly. I know she loves me, she shows me her love like she can, just very unlucky it's not exactly the way I need it. My way to show her my love is incomplete and makes me full of doubts sometimes. I feel like she deserves better.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation.

 

I can understand how in some areas it  might be difficult to find a partner even if you wanted to.   There are probably as high a percentage of lesbian women where you live as most other places, but without the social scene they may be difficult to find.  Depending on how alert you are, its possible that there were women interested.   Its easier for me as a straight man, but for many years I though no women had ever expressed interest in me.  Eventually one did, and among other things she pointed out to me all the signs I'd missed from her and from other women.    So maybe its there and you didn' t notice.

 

 I also understand that there can be all sorts of practical reasons to stay in a relationship.    You also don't want to leave here, and I understand and respect that.

 

One thing though that concerns me is that you said you have no IRL friends.  That seems worth trying to fix.  Not for any sort of romantic or sexual reasons, but just that everyone should have friends they can lean on and talk to, and who can do the same for them

[Liara]

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I'm really sorry you are in this situation.

 

I can understand how in some areas it  might be difficult to find a partner even if you wanted to.   There are probably as high a percentage of lesbian women where you live as most other places, but without the social scene they may be difficult to find.  Depending on how alert you are, its possible that there were women interested.   Its easier for me as a straight man, but for many years I though no women had ever expressed interest in me.  Eventually one did, and among other things she pointed out to me all the signs I'd missed from her and from other women.    So maybe its there and you didn' t notice.

 

 I also understand that there can be all sorts of practical reasons to stay in a relationship.    You also don't want to leave here, and I understand and respect that.

 

One thing though that concerns me is that you said you have no IRL friends.  That seems worth trying to fix.  Not for any sort of romantic or sexual reasons, but just that everyone should have friends they can lean on and talk to, and who can do the same for them

Oh, I know there is a lot of lesbian women as everywhere. But they can be much younger than me, or already in a relationship... I tried to go to the only lesbian association a few years ago, and that was... not for me. Clubbing and partying.
And I'm pretty sure no one I met could have been interested : I really really meet very few people.

And that's the same for IRL friends. When you never go out, when you can't go to social meetings, when there are a lot of social activities you can't do... Who would want to be friend with someone who can do pretty nothing?
All my previous friendships have been as disappointing as disappointed (I don't think I'm a good friend) so...

[Geekykitty]

6 hours ago, Liara said:

So I try to find what could help me to enjoy more and suffer less. But that's hard because relationship between humans is what makes life liveable and when they are not satisfying, it devours you from inside. I'm not specifically talking about the sexual aspect but about everything who comes with it, intimacy, sharing, vulnerability, connection... Something I know she just can't give me and that's not her fault.
So I try... but I know that's not really living. That's a substitute...

Only you can really know how much you love this person and how you feel about the relationship. Its hard for me to work out from what you say whether you are happy with this person, other then the sexual aspect, or if you are really miserable in the relationship. ? If its truly unbearable and unsatisfying then leaving really is the best option. But I just wonder if your feelings of unhappiness and disatisfaction are also because of other issues you described - anxiety, depression etc. I suffer with these also so I understand. Sometimes I just feel miserable and unsatisfied with my whole life. Like I might be at work feeling miserable about myself and thinking this job is so awful I want to quit. But then I take a step back and realise its not so much the job upsetting me, I'm just unhappy with myself and my anxiety makes in hard to deal with things at work. Or I might take myself for a day out to the beach which should be enjoyable, but I'm having a bad skin day which triggers my anxiety and I sink into a depressing mood. So then my whole day is kind of clouded by this and I can't fully appreciate and enjoy it. Is it just the relationship with your partner making you unhappy, or do you think other aspects of your life might also be making you feel disatisfied?

 

I guess I feel that in relationships you need to accept the other person for who they are. I mean you would want your partner to love and accept you as you are wouldnt you? You wouldn't want them to be annoyed at you for having depression and anxiety for example and secretly resenting you for it. You would want to be accepted as you are. Personally it would upset me if I had a partner and then found out they were actually really miserable with me because I wouldnt have sex with them, or because of my anxiety/depression. If they couldnt accept me as I am I would rather they left. Is it possible for you to accept your partner as they are because its unlikely they will change?Anyway it sounds like a complicated situation, I hope you are able to work out what is best for you.

[Liara]

32 minutes ago, Geekykitty said:

Only you can really know how much you love this person and how you feel about the relationship. Its hard for me to work out from what you say whether you are happy with this person, other then the sexual aspect, or if you are really miserable in the relationship. ? If its truly unbearable and unsatisfying then leaving really is the best option. But I just wonder if your feelings of unhappiness and disatisfaction are also because of other issues you described - anxiety, depression etc. I suffer with these also so I understand. Sometimes I just feel miserable and unsatisfied with my whole life. Like I might be at work feeling miserable about myself and thinking this job is so awful I want to quit. But then I take a step back and realise its not so much the job upsetting me, I'm just unhappy with myself and my anxiety makes in hard to deal with things at work. Or I might take myself for a day out to the beach which should be enjoyable, but I'm having a bad skin day which triggers my anxiety and I sink into a depressing mood. So then my whole day is kind of clouded by this and I can't fully appreciate and enjoy it. Is it just the relationship with your partner making you unhappy, or do you think other aspects of your life might also be making you feel disatisfied?

 

I guess I feel that in relationships you need to accept the other person for who they are. I mean you would want your partner to love and accept you as you are wouldnt you? You wouldn't want them to be annoyed at you for having depression and anxiety for example and secretly resenting you for it. You would want to be accepted as you are. Personally it would upset me if I had a partner and then found out they were actually really miserable with me because I wouldnt have sex with them, or because of my anxiety/depression. If they couldnt accept me as I am I would rather they left. Is it possible for you to accept your partner as they are because its unlikely they will change?Anyway it sounds like a complicated situation, I hope you are able to work out what is best for you.

There are a lot of things who make me miserable. Life makes me miserable. I just don't really see the interest sometimes. To live... For what? I can't do a lot of things, days are all the same, work I like but who is stressful, meals I don't enjoy, sleep with always the same dreams... Just a few bit of more enjoyable but very short-lived moments sometimes. So many duties, doubts and questions who keep going all the time.

The incomplete relationship is just the cherry on the cake. I feel like I'm living in a golden cage, comfortable and I'm so much privileged than 95% of humanity and I waste that. The few progress I made was destroyed by COVID and I don't have the energy to restart. The only activity I was doing outside was stopped with the pandemic and has been definitely abandoned since by lack of coach.

 

I totally accept my partner as she is. I don't ask her to change. I absolutely have no desire for her anymore. But I think she could have better. 

 

Edit : yep, I already see a shrink. Imagine without...