Lets all be honest here rant ( i know another one)

[SabeSparklexoxo]

1 minute ago, Nightbreed said:

Blah, I should have went to sleep forever ago. Finally gonna go. I hope you have a good morning/afternoon/evening/night, though I'm pretty sure it's morning there

yup buenas noches xxx

[Guest]

6 hours ago, uhtred said:

I think the media has painted a very unflattering picture of nerds / geeks as weak, timid sorts, who just focus on their work and ignore the outside world.  While that is true in some cases, there are a lot of nerds who live really interesting / exciting lives. (I know a lot of them).  Some are uncomforable around women / men because social pressures made it difficult for them to date early on, but once you get past that, there are some really great people in the "nerd" category.

The media portrays nerds as ugly losers who live in their bedrooms on computers. Like, have you *seen* Henry cavill? King of nerds and absolutely gorgeous and seems like a really nice guy. Just cause someone isn't interested in stereotypical topics for their gender (sports or fashion) doesn't mean they're a boring, nerdy "loser". "nerds" can be passionate about their interests and I prefer that over living a typical 9-7 5 days a week life with no real passion about anything. 

[SabeSparklexoxo]

1 hour ago, Black-purple-grey said:

The media portrays nerds as ugly losers who live in their bedrooms on computers. Like, have you *seen* Henry cavill? King of nerds and absolutely gorgeous and seems like a really nice guy. Just cause someone isn't interested in stereotypical topics for their gender (sports or fashion) doesn't mean they're a boring, nerdy "loser". "nerds" can be passionate about their interests and I prefer that over living a typical 9-7 5 days a week life with no real passion about anything. 

Exactly, nerds/ people who are intelligent or just really passionate about their hobbies get a bad rep. That's why I always base it on personality first, if they have a toxic personality I'm not interested. 

[uhtred]

9 hours ago, SabeSparklexoxo said:

I personally think that people who are driven and hard working are a lot more attractive to me than just some dudes screwing around. For me at least, i was put in the nerd category which makes it hard for me to date as most guys just see me for my body, not my mind.

There are a lot of guys who do appreciate women for their minds, they just tend to not be as outgoing at first so they are easy to miss.  Its especially a problem if you are physically attractive since the noisy guys who want your body will make it difficult to notice the ones who want more than just that.

 

Same way that there really are women how like interesting nerdly guys.

The media is so bad at this. Presenting nerds as "poindexters".  The whole "nice guy" meme which makes it almost impossible to talk about actual nice guys - without people thinking of guys to *pretend* to be nice in order to get something. There really are people out there who are good to other peopl.e

[uhtred]

3 hours ago, Black-purple-grey said:

The media portrays nerds as ugly losers who live in their bedrooms on computers. Like, have you *seen* Henry cavill? King of nerds and absolutely gorgeous and seems like a really nice guy. Just cause someone isn't interested in stereotypical topics for their gender (sports or fashion) doesn't mean they're a boring, nerdy "loser". "nerds" can be passionate about their interests and I prefer that over living a typical 9-7 5 days a week life with no real passion about anything. 

The "nerds"  I know fly aerobatic airplanes, drive race cars,  travel all over the world,  do ice-climing, trans-himalaya hiking treks, They have interesting exciting lives.

[Slothed]

This has become quite an interesting thread! Speaking from the other side it's fascinating to see the nuances of what is considered genuinely nice. Obviously communication is key, but seemingly simple/obvious things like asking if the other person is comfortable before you act is always bit surprising. This isn't a humble brag, but to me those are (or should be) common sense behaviors and it's strange to see them repeatedly stated as outliers to be sought out. Also, as someone who naturally responds very quickly to texts, messages, etc. the paranoid fear that I'm coming across too eager or "smothering" is very real even though that's just my communication style.

 

On the other hand, the suspicion towards niceness is completely understandable (if a bit sad), especially online. Sometimes that makes building relationships extra tough because you worry that if you say just one thing wrong the other person will see their suspicions confirmed and get scared away. Personally, months of getting closer and being as clear as possible about being genuine evaporated in an instant over a single dumb mistake. The walls we build up are necessary, to an extent, to protect ourselves from being betrayed and/or victimized by jerks and creeps like those we've faced in the past, but they also can make it feel as though earning or proving trustworthiness is an almost Sisyphean task.

 

But I digress. As has been said elsewhere, someone who comes off as nice can be bad and an apparent "bad boy" can turn out good, it all depends on who they are as a person and how willing you are to take the risk of finding out.

[SabeSparklexoxo]

2 hours ago, Slothed said:

This has become quite an interesting thread! Speaking from the other side it's fascinating to see the nuances of what is considered genuinely nice. Obviously communication is key, but seemingly simple/obvious things like asking if the other person is comfortable before you act is always bit surprising. This isn't a humble brag, but to me those are (or should be) common sense behaviors and it's strange to see them repeatedly stated as outliers to be sought out. Also, as someone who naturally responds very quickly to texts, messages, etc. the paranoid fear that I'm coming across too eager or "smothering" is very real even though that's just my communication style.

 

On the other hand, the suspicion towards niceness is completely understandable (if a bit sad), especially online. Sometimes that makes building relationships extra tough because you worry that if you say just one thing wrong the other person will see their suspicions confirmed and get scared away. Personally, months of getting closer and being as clear as possible about being genuine evaporated in an instant over a single dumb mistake. The walls we build up are necessary, to an extent, to protect ourselves from being betrayed and/or victimized by jerks and creeps like those we've faced in the past, but they also can make it feel as though earning or proving trustworthiness is an almost Sisyphean task.

 

But I digress. As has been said elsewhere, someone who comes off as nice can be bad and an apparent "bad boy" can turn out good, it all depends on who they are as a person and how willing you are to take the risk of finding out.

Very good points. For me, If I had feelings for a guy who was a 'bad' guy sort of thing, I'd talk to him first.  Because what I've found is that apperances can be decieving and it's good to give someone a chance.

[Guest]

16 hours ago, Black-purple-grey said:

The media portrays nerds as ugly losers who live in their bedrooms on computers.

Outside of work I live in my bedroom on my tablet, lol.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Nightbreed said:

Outside of work I live in my bedroom on my tablet, lol.

Bedrooms are cosy though ☺️

[FJO8]

On 11/27/2022 at 2:11 AM, Ceebs said:

Yeah, overly nice in an obsessive way is a massive red flag. The person may or may not be an actual narcissist, but if they're love-bombing you and you feel caught up in a whirlwind with someone who apparently really really really wants you... especially if they don't even really know you that well yet, generally it turns out that they want some sort of fantasy of you that's just filling a specific psychological need in an unhealthy way.

this. before I knew myself and what I wanted better I was like this, a people-pleaser expecting unrealistic things, but I was definitely never a narcissist.

 

I see very unhealthy relationship-practivces when I walk through town. Like, of course you don't know everything just from looking at two people, but the way couples treat each other sometimes on the street just screams uncomfortable to me, and that has mainly to do with the gender role/type the male part tries desperately to fullfill.

Again, that is just what I a judging by a glance at people, I could be completely wrong, but I get the impression of OP (original poster for all non-tumblrinas😄)

[Lichley]

On 11/27/2022 at 7:19 AM, SabeSparklexoxo said:

Thats interesting, my ex was a lot like that but he wasnt a bad boy....this is the thing i feel like i attract toxic guys 

They did a study on stuff like why that happens. I believe they said it’s a combination of you not noticing the small boundary violations early on because you’re focused on trying to prevent up the bigger boundary violations you had so you end up focusing on the wrong things, and the effects of your previous relationship on your self esteem. 

[J. van Deijck]

As a man who is attracted to men, I can say that

 

On 11/27/2022 at 3:09 PM, SabeSparklexoxo said:

 i prefer someone who is kinder in comparison to someone who's toxic and plays hard to get.

Also, for me it doesn't really matter if he's cis or trans. Men are men, that's it.

[Next Gen Paladin]

On 11/28/2022 at 8:23 AM, SabeSparklexoxo said:

On 11/28/2022 at 7:06 AM, Black-purple-grey said:

The media portrays nerds as ugly losers who live in their bedrooms on computers. Like, have you *seen* Henry cavill? King of nerds and absolutely gorgeous and seems like a really nice guy. Just cause someone isn't interested in stereotypical topics for their gender (sports or fashion) doesn't mean they're a boring, nerdy "loser". "nerds" can be passionate about their interests and I prefer that over living a typical 9-7 5 days a week life with no real passion about anything. 

Exactly, nerds/ people who are intelligent or just really passionate about their hobbies get a bad rep. That's why I always base it on personality first, if they have a toxic personality I'm not interested. 

 

This is very true. I definitely fit into the category of "nerd". I also am very devoted to my passions, most of which revolve around my interests in writing and historic preservation. I've lived a very exciting 22 years on this Earth and done some pretty crazy things, like feeding rhinos, meeting celebrities, or corresponding with the world's oldest person. You'd never know that about me if you just walked by me in school, though!

 

As I've gotten older, the more I realize there is truth to the idea to never judge a book by its cover - and to never make assumptions about people from first impressions (or just in general). People are complex creatures. There is more to them than ever meets the eye.

 

Personality matters, but in my mind, so does the way they treat others. The quickest way you can learn something about someone is not just by seeing how they interact with people they deem their equals - it is by seeing how they treat those who society deems lesser than them (the poor, the needy, the outcast, animals, youth, the disabled, etc.). 

[Geekykitty]

On 11/27/2022 at 10:49 AM, SabeSparklexoxo said:

Whats wrong with gentlemen? Like am i the only one who doesnt swoon over 'bad boys' and prefer 'nerds'??? Like why do we even call them that? Like whats wrong with  guy who treats you right? If he does he mkaes top husbando list no???? 

Yeah im finished. It just annoys me no woman ever told me to date a nice guy like wtf. 

I like nice guys and nerds and gentlemen 😁 I definitely wouldn't want a "bad boy" type. Even if I thought they were aesthetically attractive at first once you saw their personality it would be very unappealing.