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am i aroace or is this the aftereffect of living in a conservative area?


cloudsandcuddles

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cloudsandcuddles

i don't know if my inability to love someone romantically / having a sexual desire to someone stems from how completely unexposed i was to real life romance (except that of my parents'). my family forbid me to date someone until i graduate from high school, and although i did fantasize about dating my crush before mainly during my puberty phase, by now that urge to delve into all things romantic and sexual has ceased to exist. at first i tried to date someone because of the external pressure from my friends but it ended up with me feeling uncomfortable and guilty because i'm unable make the relationship successful. no sexual urge to be with someone either even though i did relieve myself sometimes, no thanks to my libido, but the thought of doing it with someone else always makes me curled up in disgust and fear. i did have a minor trauma from my childhood due to a stranger who held my hand for so long for no reason, i don't think it's one of the factors that made me like this, though.

 

i'm wondering if this aromantic & asexual situation of mine is caused by my upbringing? or are there other factors? and is it possible to come out to my parents without being labeled as "inexperienced" and forced to date other people instead?

 

ps: sorry for the bad grammar, english is not my first language

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SabeSparklexoxo
Just now, cloudsandcuddles said:

i don't know if my inability to love someone romantically / having a sexual desire to someone stems from how completely unexposed i was to real life romance (except that of my parents'). my family forbid me to date someone until i graduate from high school, and although i did fantasize about dating my crush before mainly during my puberty phase, by now that urge to delve into all things romantic and sexual has ceased to exist. at first i tried to date someone because of the external pressure from my friends but it ended up with me feeling uncomfortable and guilty because i'm unable make the relationship successful. no sexual urge to be with someone either even though i did relieve myself sometimes, no thanks to my libido, but the thought of doing it with someone else always makes me curled up in disgust and fear. i did have a minor trauma from my childhood due to a stranger who held my hand for so long for no reason, i don't think it's one of the factors that made me like this, though.

 

i'm wondering if this aromantic & asexual situation of mine is caused by my upbringing? or are there other factors? and is it possible to come out to my parents without being labeled as "inexperienced" and forced to date other people instead?

 

ps: sorry for the bad grammar, english is not my first language

I can relate to you a lot. I went to a relationship i wasn't ready for due too external pressure. But if you know for certain this is how you feel,

Just now, TormentDubz said:

Sounds like you're a sex repulsed ace at the very least

I think you should consider looking into this.

As a sex repulsed ace, it took me a long time to find this label. But it really helped me understand myself. 

If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to help xoxo

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Hi! As someone who's also had a conservative upbringing, I can tell you there are other factors at play. I've considered this before as well - whether maybe I just don't feel attraction to people because I suppressed it since I wasn't ever supposed to act on that sort of thing - but that doesn't explain why I'm the only one of my siblings who turned out to be aroace. Because they've had the exact same upbringing. 

 

As to coming out... that depends on your parents. When I told my mom, she actually asked me if it was because of the way she and my dad had raised me. Luckily at that point, I had figured out it wasn't. But she was quite upset because she thought it meant I'd never give her grandchildren (in my case, that's not necessarily true). If you're going to come out though, be prepared for them not to understand it - and due to the misunderstanding, they may still try to get you to date people. My mom eventually came around, but it took her a long time. And I haven't told my dad because I don't expect him to ever truly "get it". You have to decide whether to come out to them yourself because everyone's parents are different, and you know yours and how they might react better than anyone else does.

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everywhere and nowhere

My view is that, after all, most people who experienced a conservative upbringing don't end up asexual. So I find it very unlikely that upbringing only could make a person asexual and/or aromantic.

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My parents were too strict with me too. Not only they didn't allow dating, they were actually giving me lectures of how wrong that is, but they also didn't let me go out with friends, for them they were never good enough.

They also were very conservative with stuff like food, if we wanted ice cream for example they would say, nah it's better to buy some food (usually that was chicken haha) instead cause ice cream is more expensive blah blah blah.

Up to today that I live alone and away from my family, I can still hear those warnings that they have ruined my ability to casually enjoy things. When I desire something, simply for the pleasure of it, many voices come to my head with arguments against, it is not healthy, it is not affordable etc. 

What I'm trying to say is that conservative upbringing, especially if you also are introvert like me, can really mess up your life. 

 

Maybe what you are thinking, that you have no real experience with romance except from what you know from your family and a bad date, to have affected "your appetite" is true. You might need to have more test dates with people (unless if you find dating to be something really unpleasant.) but each time set a different goal not related to romance or sex, say for example I'll go out to have fun and definitely not to test my ability to experience this or that.

Socializing will help you understand better yourself. If you experience stress or anxiety when socializing ask for professional help. Myself I'm getting intensively and what I understand the road to healing is long.

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cloudsandcuddles
On 11/26/2022 at 11:26 AM, TormentDubz said:

Sounds like you're a sex repulsed ace at the very least

i'm still kind of unfamiliar with this term but after looking it up, this sounds plausible indeed.

 

On 11/26/2022 at 2:07 PM, SabeSparklexoxo said:

I can relate to you a lot. I went to a relationship i wasn't ready for due too external pressure. But if you know for certain this is how you feel,

I think you should consider looking into this.

As a sex repulsed ace, it took me a long time to find this label. But it really helped me understand myself. 

If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to help xoxo

 

On 11/26/2022 at 8:56 PM, The Abhorred said:

My parents were too strict with me too. Not only they didn't allow dating, they were actually giving me lectures of how wrong that is, but they also didn't let me go out with friends, for them they were never good enough.

They also were very conservative with stuff like food, if we wanted ice cream for example they would say, nah it's better to buy some food (usually that was chicken haha) instead cause ice cream is more expensive blah blah blah.

Up to today that I live alone and away from my family, I can still hear those warnings that they have ruined my ability to casually enjoy things. When I desire something, simply for the pleasure of it, many voices come to my head with arguments against, it is not healthy, it is not affordable etc. 

What I'm trying to say is that conservative upbringing, especially if you also are introvert like me, can really mess up your life. 

 

Maybe what you are thinking, that you have no real experience with romance except from what you know from your family and a bad date, to have affected "your appetite" is true. You might need to have more test dates with people (unless if you find dating to be something really unpleasant.) but each time set a different goal not related to romance or sex, say for example I'll go out to have fun and definitely not to test my ability to experience this or that.

Socializing will help you understand better yourself. If you experience stress or anxiety when socializing ask for professional help. Myself I'm getting intensively and what I understand the road to healing is long.

glad to know i'm not the only one with this experience. i've been wondering if there's something wrong with me because everyone around me is doing just fine with dating and stuff even if they have an even stricter upbringing. i will probably try to socialize more for fun only like you said! especially since i can't just decide about this with just one bad date.

On 11/26/2022 at 7:36 PM, everywhere and nowhere said:

My view is that, after all, most people who experienced a conservative upbringing don't end up asexual. So I find it very unlikely that upbringing only could make a person asexual and/or aromantic.

indeed! some of my friends have the same, and even more strict parents than mine. and they turned out fine, sometimes even becoming (what parents call) rebellious by backstreet dating. it's kind of a relief knowing this isn't caused by my parents' teaching anyway.

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On 11/28/2022 at 12:42 PM, cloudsandcuddles said:

i will probably try to socialize more for fun only like you said!

Good luck with that :)

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