Asexual or Afraid of My First Time

[OtakuGoth]

Hi. I am wondering if I am asexual or just afraid of having a painful first time. I found out when I was younger that I have a fear of intense pain. So, by choice for a very long time I remained celibate. I’m now in my late 20s and wonder if I should come out as asexual or if I should find a partner and just do it. I also realized that I had a traumatic experience with a doctor who did my Pap smear when I was 22. (She caused excruciating pain with speculum that was the size of my wrist in circumference and proceeded to tell me to relax. She then after said procedure told me it hurt because I was a virgin.)

[Picklethewickle]

For the question of if you are asexual: Do you want to find a sexual partner? Do you want to have sex, as in actually crave it rather than deciding it's something you should try because everyone else already has? Do you generally find people sexually attractive? Are you comfortable or excited by the image of someone having sex with you?

 

Many sexual people answer "Yes" to these questions, where as asexual people are more inclined to answer some or all with "No".

 

I'm sorry your doctor caused you pain, and followed that up with being inconsiderate. That could not have helped your fears at all. Have you been able to address your trauma with other doctors or with people you trust? 

 

As for the purely mechanical aspect of sex, your body has already had a first time penetrative experience with the Pap smear. Fewer people find the second time painful, so you might not have pain during sex now. To address the fear, you can ease into sexual relations rather than jump into them. Talk to your partner first so you can both understand your fears, and each others limits. Physical intimacy can start with you and your partner touching each other through your clothes, and then later build to being naked together, and then touching each other while naked. From there you can try gentler forms of penetration, such as fingering, before you decide if you want to pursue the full deal. All of this is assuming you decide you do what to pursue a sexual relationship. If you decide you don't want to at all, that's okay. If you decide you want to explore some, and then determine you don't want to go any further, that's okay too.

[SabeSparklexoxo]

Just now, OtakuGoth said:

Hi. I am wondering if I am asexual or just afraid of having a painful first time. I found out when I was younger that I have a fear of intense pain. So, by choice for a very long time I remained celibate. I’m now in my late 20s and wonder if I should come out as asexual or if I should find a partner and just do it. I also realized that I had a traumatic experience with a doctor who did my Pap smear when I was 22. (She caused excruciating pain with speculum that was the size of my wrist in circumference and proceeded to tell me to relax. She then after said procedure told me it hurt because I was a virgin.)

To be honest, I've been told by many therapists to just try it out or get over it. But I had a similar experience to you and I was in pure agony. So I can relate and also sympathise. 

 

Just now, Picklethewickle said:

For the question of if you are asexual: Do you want to find a sexual partner? Do you want to have sex, as in actually crave it rather than deciding it's something you should try because everyone else already has? Do you generally find people sexually attractive? Are you comfortable or excited by the image of someone having sex with you?

 

Many sexual people answer "Yes" to these questions, where as asexual people are more inclined to answer some or all with "No".

 

I'm sorry your doctor caused you pain, and followed that up with being inconsiderate. That could not have helped your fears at all. Have you been able to address your trauma with other doctors or with people you trust? 

 

As for the purely mechanical aspect of sex, your body has already had a first time penetrative experience with the Pap smear. Fewer people find the second time painful, so you might not have pain during sex now. To address the fear, you can ease into sexual relations rather than jump into them. Talk to your partner first so you can both understand your fears, and each others limits. Physical intimacy can start with you and your partner touching each other through your clothes, and then later build to being naked together, and then touching each other while naked. From there you can try gentler forms of penetration, such as fingering, before you decide if you want to pursue the full deal. All of this is assuming you decide you do what to pursue a sexual relationship. If you decide you don't want to at all, that's okay. If you decide you want to explore some, and then determine you don't want to go any further, that's okay too.

I think these questions are good to consider. I did a similar thing and turns out I'm ace. But there's no rush take your time. I have a massive fear of stuff like that too but that doesn't mean I'm not ace, it means i just hate shitty appointments at the doctors. In Spain, they always ask you whether you are sexually active. Before I was young so it was ok. Now when they say that and I say I'm single, they look at me like they've just stepped on a bomb. XD

[Philip027]

Any care provider whose response to causing someone immense pain is to tell them to "just relax" is a shit care provider.

 

Quote

I’m now in my late 20s and wonder if I should come out as asexual or if I should find a partner and just do it.

Do you... even want to?  That's a far more important/useful question to answer in terms of determining your sexuality.

 

It almost sounds like you'd only be doing it to find out if you can stomach it or not, which isn't really the best reason to do it.

[EntireSunset]

I am so so so sorry for your experiences @SabeSparklexoxoand @OtakuGoth. This is just so wrong in every single way. Just like @Philip027says. You should never have to ease into pain, you should never have to put up with something that hurts you. Pap smears are just so vulnerable situations. You would have deserved to have this experience with someone who respects your boundaries and cares about you. You should never have to "get over it". I had this kind of experience too and now I found a gynecologist who acts totally different. She respects all my boundaries and informs me about everything and I never felt pain again. 

 

Maybe it could be helpful to talk to someone about what you experienced? Not because you have to to finally be sexual. Dont get me wrong. Just for yourself to feel better and talk about the impact of this experience. It is totally understandable that you feel that way now. 

 

And even if you are not asexual from the get go, isnt it enough for you to know that at least at the moment you dont want to be sexual with someone? Maybe that is enough for now and you can see if that changes when you maybe start working on your trauma? But maybe it doesnt. And that is completely fine as well. 

 

All my love from me to you!

[uhtred]

First, I think it is outrageous the medical provider think they have cart blanche to do as they wish to a patients body in the name of "care".  I don't  care how busy their schedule was, they needed to stop and figure out how to avoid hurting you. No excuse for that whatsoever.  If they were not a medical professional that would be felony sexual assault.

 

As to whether you are an asexual, that is something only you can know. I guess I'd suggest thinking about whether you would want sex if it were not painful and were physicall pleasurable (as it is for most people). Most asexuals do not desire sex for reasons beyond it just being uncomfortable.   I think discomfort from sex can be fixed, IF there is desire to have sex.