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Asexual or traumatized? [TW Sexual abuse]


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Brøøklyn

Hey guys,

i've got a question... again.🙈

Trigger warning for sexual abuse, so you have been warned.

 

OK, so, I was sexually abused as a small child. My father used to masturbate in front of me while telling some creepy stories that involved him and me. I was about three years old at the time, so I don't really remember that, but I know that he traumatized me many times when I was small, so I wouldn't be surprised if that had also had an impact on me.

He never physically raped me, but my mum described his actions as "psychological rape".

As I said, I don't remember well, but when thinking about that, I feel mostly indifferent (mainly because I'm glad he didn't actually rape me).

My mum has expressed that she thinks I'm just traumatized, not ace. She thinks that I were never able to have a healthy connection to sex because of the abuse, which causes my strong sexual repulsion.

I, on the other hand, think that I'm ace (although i have doubts about that frequently, but who hasn't been there XD). But now the doubt is back, so what if I am actually allo without realizing it because I'm traumatized?

As ridiculous as this may sound, I'm a bit afraid I might be allo. I don't want to ever have sex, I'm extremely repulsed only be the thought of it. But maybe this is just trauma.

However, I think that if I were really traumatized, I'd only be repulsed by the thought of having sex with men because my father is a man. Then I'd probably consider myself a lesbian, woulnd't I?

Since this is not the case (I am repulsed by the thought of having sex, regardless of gender), am I still ace?

 

I have to admit though, that if I'd have to have sex to save the whole world (which will never happen, but you hopefully know what I mean) and I were to choose the gender of the person I'd have to have sex with... I'd choose a female person. (As far as I know, I've only had crushes on males so far, but it might be possible that I also had a crush on a girl once or twice, I have really no idea there).

I'm not as much repulsed by the thought of sex with a female than I am with a male, so is it possible that I'm ace and traumatized? Or is it common to be more repulsed by sex with one gender than with the other? Maybe I'm just ace and the abuse never really had a huge impact on me because I'm ace? Or am I actually just a traumatized allo?

Can someone please help me?

 

Sorry for the mess XD.

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SabeSparklexoxo
29 minutes ago, Brøøklyn said:

Hey guys,

i've got a question... again.🙈

Trigger warning for sexual abuse, so you have been warned.

 

OK, so, I was sexually abused as a small child. My father used to masturbate in front of me while telling some creepy stories that involved him and me. I was about three years old at the time, so I don't really remember that, but I know that he traumatized me many times when I was small, so I wouldn't be surprised if that had also had an impact on me.

He never physically raped me, but my mum described his actions as "psychological rape".

As I said, I don't remember well, but when thinking about that, I feel mostly indifferent (mainly because I'm glad he didn't actually rape me).

My mum has expressed that she thinks I'm just traumatized, not ace. She thinks that I were never able to have a healthy connection to sex because of the abuse, which causes my strong sexual repulsion.

I, on the other hand, think that I'm ace (although i have doubts about that frequently, but who hasn't been there XD). But now the doubt is back, so what if I am actually allo without realizing it because I'm traumatized?

As ridiculous as this may sound, I'm a bit afraid I might be allo. I don't want to ever have sex, I'm extremely repulsed only be the thought of it. But maybe this is just trauma.

However, I think that if I were really traumatized, I'd only be repulsed by the thought of having sex with men because my father is a man. Then I'd probably consider myself a lesbian, woulnd't I?

Since this is not the case (I am repulsed by the thought of having sex, regardless of gender), am I still ace?

 

I have to admit though, that if I'd have to have sex to save the whole world (which will never happen, but you hopefully know what I mean) and I were to choose the gender of the person I'd have to have sex with... I'd choose a female person. (As far as I know, I've only had crushes on males so far, but it might be possible that I also had a crush on a girl once or twice, I have really no idea there).

I'm not as much repulsed by the thought of sex with a female than I am with a male, so is it possible that I'm ace and traumatized? Or is it common to be more repulsed by sex with one gender than with the other? Maybe I'm just ace and the abuse never really had a huge impact on me because I'm ace? Or am I actually just a traumatized allo?

Can someone please help me?

 

Sorry for the mess XD.

To be honest, I'm speechless, those are heavy traumatic experiences right there. I'm so sorry you went through that. Truly. 

I think maybe talking to a professional about that.  But if you feel repulsed by sex, that's sex repulsion, completely valid. If you don't want to have sex with any gender that's asexuality, completely valid. But there is no rush, what happened to you is awful and you need to make sure you work through that as well. It's good you're asking questions, it is a very controversial topic I find. Where  to draw the line? As I was asked whether I had sexual trauma when I told people I'm ace but that is simply not the case. If you're not attracted to anyone sexually, that's asexuality. I'm no professional so my opinion could differ from others but that's just my knowledge and advice. 

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hewhomainsness
1 hour ago, Brøøklyn said:

As ridiculous as this may sound, I'm a bit afraid I might be allo. I don't want to ever have sex, I'm extremely repulsed only be the thought of it. But maybe this is just trauma.

that is basically how i felt when i was questioning, i honestly just didn't want to want sex like it seemed i should (i should add i have not experienced sexual trauma of any sort)

i couldn't give you a straight answer though

just something to consider

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everywhere and nowhere

I think that you are anyway at least effectively asexual. or "technically asexual": regardless of whether it's "genuine asexuality" or something else, and regardless of whether differentiating between "genuine asexuality and something else" is appropriate in the first place, you at the very least currently fully meet the definition of asexuality. What do you do about it is up to you. For example, if you have access to psychotherapy, it could be a good choice, just to let you leave what happened behind you - but you also anyway have a right to actively prefer being asexual, to not want to "reclaim your sexuality" if you had something to "reclaim", and to ermphasise when working with a therapist that these are your preferences and that you do not want to become comfortable with sex.

You might also be interested in reading this text: Keep Your Acephobia Out of #MeToo Conversations, Jaclyn Friedman. It is specifically about expectations imposed on people who have experienced sexual trauma, of how they are expected to "reclaim their sexuality" and asexual survivors' "failure" to do so is framed as a fault or weakness on their side.

 

I am in a different situation that yours - I haven't experienced sexual trauma - but many things you wrote ring a bell for me: for example I too don't want to have sex ever, I'm strictly sex-averse and I actively wouldn't want to become allosexual or even just sex-capable. Probably this allows me to sharply recognise the existence of issues such as not wanting to become comfortable with sex in any way and the potential difficulties in communicating it in a world in which everyone is expected to desire sex and those who strangely lack this desire are expected to "at least" desperately want to want...

4 hours ago, Brøøklyn said:

Or is it common to be more repulsed by sex with one gender than with the other? 

There's absolutely nothing uncommon about it. Let's look at it this way: first, sex aversion is not some unusual, fringe phenomenon limited to an easily pathologised subgroup of asexuals! Probably everyone is averse to some sexual activities. And gender happens to be an immediately recognisable example. Actually, monosexual (that is, hetero- or homosexual - not bi/pan and not asexual) people's feelings about potentially having sex with their non-preferred gender vary widely - from strong aversion, through complete disinterest, to active curiousity. But feeling disgusted about having sex with one's non-preferred gender is completely recognisable and understood - nobody tells, for example, straight men who express even "theatrical" disgust about gay sex that they should "get over it" and "just give it a try", while sex-repulsed asexuals - who just feel this way about all genders - are often bombarded with such "good advice".

Sex with women is quite widely considered less threatening also by people who are strictly sex-averse and not to any extent open to personally having sex. Including myself and including some other users I have seen here. It might be rationalised if someone wants to: women are much less likely to force someone to sex in the strict sense, to hold them down and prevent them from escaping. Sexual violence with women as perpetrators is more often based on manipulation or on taking advantage of someone asleep or inebriated, not on physical force. Women are less likely to be people who don't take "no" for an answer, because of how this kind of behaviour at least was ("was" as opposed to "is") portrayed as almost positive in men (or at least: was shown in some texts of culture to be a behaviour of men who were never portrayed as negative characters), but never in women. From the point of view of someone female-bodied, lesbian sex is much less invasive than straight sex. I am sex-averse first of all due to other categories: if I try to imagine myself in a sexual situation (which I don't do, because it's too distressing and because I don't have a libido, so I'm not drawn to any kind of sexual thoughts other that a cultural critique of sex :twisted:)... I don't even think about the disgusting or invasive parts - because I'm so nudity-averse that I feel that I would panic much earlier. So from the point of view of someone uncompromising about never being naked in another person's presence, there's no difference between lesbian and straight sex - both almost always involve nudity, so if nudity is something you dread... And yet, despite this, lesbian sex does feel less threatening - not "doable", absolutely not, but still the difference is simply that my negative feelings towards straight sex are yet much stronger.

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Richie Fashion Cat

Hi Brooklyn- I think I know what your going through I was abused myself at 10 years old.  I am real sorry to hear you went through that at only 3 years old.

For a long time i figured i was tramatised and that was making me decide to be celibate. I'm a little older and being asexual wasnt really a option at the time and it took me ages to work it out. Even people i really know and respect their opinions used to tell me the same thing like your Mum does - its well meaning but not useful really. 

A few things which helped me put that out of my mind was.

1. Abuse is common but it doesnt stop most people having sexual needs - some survivors have healthy sexual relationships, sadly others do not but in my experience in support groups is that most survivors of sexual abuse tend to be if anything more sexual though not always in a healthy way. For example i know a couple of people which became sex workers as it gave them the power trip back over men -  weird huh?

2. I dont think you can make anyone Ace, Gay or any sexuality just from abuse - if you are Identify with being Ace thats about all the requirements you will ever need. Sadly being abused is more common than being ace - but as people still identify with being Ace have never been abused then it cant be caused its a thing.

 

The rest is mere details - cause is not always effect even physicists know that!

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SilenceRadio
15 hours ago, Brøøklyn said:

My mum has expressed that she thinks I'm just traumatized, not ace.

Your sexuality is not up to her. Being both is not mutually exclusive, either. It's not a decision that lies between between "asexual and not traumatized" and "traumatized and actually allosexual". Identities that are formed through trauma, dysphoria or any other thing aren't any less real or legitimate. You can ID as asexual just because you're sex-repulsed. And if that sex-repulsion is caused by trauma, it doesn't make you "actually allosexual all along". You don't have to place your sex repulsion as either "natural/real" or "caused". Your asexuality does not have to hinge on how sex-repulsed you are, or why you're sex-repulsed.

 

You're ace for as long as the term is useful to you.

 

15 hours ago, Brøøklyn said:

I have to admit though, that if I'd have to have sex to save the whole world (which will never happen, but you hopefully know what I mean) and I were to choose the gender of the person I'd have to have sex with... I'd choose a female person.

Aces can have gender preferences, too. I've even see some nonbinary people who, if given the choice between the two binary genders, would much prefer being seen as one than the other. But that's only because they're only given these two choices. You preferring women if you could only choose between men or women, and didn't have the choice to not have sex at all, doesn't have to reflect on what your sexuality actually is. Orientation is more than what you're "capable" of or what you would be willing to put up with. Maybe you have the potential to want sex, but you don't have to put acknowledging that potential (that might not even exist) over recognizing your current present state.

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Brøøklyn

Thank all of you so much for your kindness, y'all helped me a lot!

I honestly never felt completely comfortable with my asexuality, but now I do, thanks to you!

I feel so much better, you really saved me from an identity crisis!

I am seeing a therapist and will definitely talk to them about the past, so that I will finally be able to move on and leave all of that stuff behind me.

Thank you all so much, you have no idea how relieving it was to read your answers!

💜

 

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Richie Fashion Cat

An absolute pleasure - i am so glad anything I said was helpful to you.

 

 

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