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Ace to grey-ace/allo or late bloomers after 18?


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People say, “oh you haven’t found the right one,” and I usually roll my eyes but I also wonder the merit. My therapist says I shouldn’t close myself off to developing romantic/sexual attraction and I agree but it also feels painful to hope. I’m almost 24 and I still haven’t felt anything. I do have a history of trauma but not sexual trauma. 
 

Anyway does anyone have stories of developing attraction after 18 or going from asexual/aromantic to grey asexual/aromantic? Or their orientation being fluid and going from aro/ace to allo as they aged? 

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Hi @hachisu

 

I think if someone is just intent on being themselves and following what feels good, then there's no need to hope on anything :D, you just go with what makes sense for you and if it changes and  you want to explore then that's all good. In that sense it is good to keep open, just not past what feels good to you :).

 

I went the other way, in that I was or felt I was allo but then with time sex mattered less and less to me and now I consider myself gray-ace. Sexuality is or can be fluid though I think most people are more or less fixed. I changed but most I know or saw around haven't too much so I'd say it's possible but not the most common.

 

Hope you find what's good with you :)

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Well, when I was 18 I believed I might be asexual. I was definitely over 20 by the time I was certain that I wasn't.

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Well I identified as asexual when I was around seventeen/eighteen, and now I identify as ??? so I guess that's sort of what you're talking about... 😆

 

It's always possible that anyone's sexuality could change or that they could learn new things about themself, so sure, it's good to be open to that. However, how often are straight people told that they need to be open to the fact that they could develop same-sex attraction later in life? How often are allo people told that they need to be open to the possibility of becoming asexual later? Why should it be different for some people just because our orientation is less common?

 

I think it's more that it's just important, in general and in all areas, to be aware of the fact that no one knows everything about themself. There's always more to learn and grow as a person. And I think just being more open to more things in general is a good thing. But some things may never change, and it's equally as important to be at peace with that.

 

So ultimately, I think the ideal viewpoint to have is "no matter what my orientation is, I accept and am at peace with that part of myself." So it's about getting closer to that sort of space. And for some people, being open to the possibility that they could become more sexual helps with that. And sometimes, it doesn't, and it's more important to focus on being at peace with their sexuality as it is right now.

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I actually went the other way around. Not on purpose though. Shit just happens. Personally, I'm glad my sexual attraction just isn't there anymore. I don't even think gray would even fit me because there's no chance either as it's completely gone.

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45 minutes ago, R_1 said:

I actually went the other way around. Not on purpose though. Shit just happens. Personally, I'm glad my sexual attraction just isn't there anymore. I don't even think gray would even fit me because there's no chance either as it's completely gone.

Do you mind talking about why you feel glad your attraction isn’t there anymore? 

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2 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi @hachisu

 

I think if someone is just intent on being themselves and following what feels good, then there's no need to hope on anything :D, you just go with what makes sense for you and if it changes and  you want to explore then that's all good. In that sense it is good to keep open, just not past what feels good to you :).

 

I went the other way, in that I was or felt I was allo but then with time sex mattered less and less to me and now I consider myself gray-ace. Sexuality is or can be fluid though I think most people are more or less fixed. I changed but most I know or saw around haven't too much so I'd say it's possible but not the most common.

 

Hope you find what's good with you :)

Thank you for your words! My family is encouraging me to try sex and relationships because I’ve never tried it before because it never came up naturally. So I guess I have to put an effort in to make it happen?

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6 minutes ago, hachisu said:

Do you mind talking about why you feel glad your attraction isn’t there anymore? 

Because I like it that way? There's more transquility without it in my mind and I prefer a clear mind at all times. Sexual attraction would be just annoying if it came back now. If something can be done about my annoying libido, I'm golden.

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1 minute ago, R_1 said:

Because I like it that way? There's more transquility without it in my mind and I prefer a clear mind at all times. Sexual attraction would be just annoying if it came back now. If something can be done about my annoying libido, I'm golden.

Your response makes me think I’m overthinking things lol. Thanks for the answering the question! 
 

I have no libido and I’ve never experienced attraction but I guess grass is greener on the other side. 

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everywhere and nowhere
3 hours ago, hachisu said:

Anyway does anyone have stories of developing attraction after 18 or going from asexual/aromantic to grey asexual/aromantic?

Not that it doesn't happen, but it's rare enough that to me it looks like your therapist is sending you a semi-conscious message: "Asexuality isn't real, I hope that you end up developing sexual attraction".

3 hours ago, hachisu said:

I agree but it also feels painful to hope.

Hope? For me the idea of becoming anything other than sex-averse feels horrible. I don't want to have sex ever, so I also want to remain a sex-incapable person all my life.

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1 hour ago, hachisu said:

Thank you for your words! My family is encouraging me to try sex and relationships because I’ve never tried it before because it never came up naturally. So I guess I have to put an effort in to make it happen?

Well, only if you want to try. I encourage exploring so long as it's something someone wants to do.

Also if someone tries too hard to go for it and it's not natural, then it might not actually tick the boxes of what sex means to someone Allo. That is to say it's a love language and part of their intimacy. For me I prefer cuddling ;p. But some people really like the shared physical pleasure too, for me I find it not particularly worth my while much, but only you can know what it means to you.

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1 hour ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Not that it doesn't happen, but it's rare enough

Actually it's not that rare. Or rather, those who identify as asexual or question whether they might be are already a small percentage of people overall, but within that group, many realise they're not. I've seen so many members here over the years who turn out to not be ace -- which isn't a criticism, as I've been in the group of people who are questioning myself, and I know that everyone is just going on whatever information and understanding they have of themselves at the time. Of course loads of people are asexual and that never changes, but realising you're not is really not particularly rare within the asexual community.

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Picklethewickle

Do you feel your sexual orientation has fluidity? Are you finding your sexual interest, or lack of, is changing any as you get older?

 

Some people do change sexually as they get older, or they come to understand themselves better. Some people stay the same their whole lives. While either can be interesting, what other people feel doesn't have anything to do with what you feel. Sharing stories help us come to understand one another. Stories do not serve as a map telling us "This is how people are supposed to be, so I better measure up." Make sure to live according to your own feelings and your own story.

 

Do people have to put in an effort to become interested in sex and relationships? Well, no. People have to put in effort to maintain healthy relationships, but romantic and sexual people don't have to put in an effort to want relationships. Allosexuals don't have to learn how to feel sexual attraction or desire, they simply feel these things. Aromantics and asexuals don't have to unlearn attraction or learn disinterest, they simply don't feel the drive to connect to people romantically or engage in sex.

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On 11/24/2022 at 1:43 PM, everywhere and nowhere said:

Not that it doesn't happen, but it's rare enough that to me it looks like your therapist is sending you a semi-conscious message: "Asexuality isn't real, I hope that you end up developing sexual attraction".

Hope? For me the idea of becoming anything other than sex-averse feels horrible. I don't want to have sex ever, so I also want to remain a sex-incapable person all my life.

I was like I am close to accepting my orientations and she said I should be open to change. Idk I’m also getting a new therapist because I didn’t particularly like her. 
 

I don’t know if I’m sex positive, neutral, or averse. I’m fine watching sex scenes and talking about it and seeing people make our but I’ve never had the desire to engage in it. 
 

Intellectually I know that sex and romance doesn’t make someone whole but emotionally I feel brainwashed into it lmao. I think I’m a romantic and I love romance novels which I probably should wean off

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My spouse technically fits the bill, but it's because of later realizing and embracing their trans identity.

 

People usually approach this sort of thing in the wrong way.  It's not like ace people are "closing themselves off" to anything, they just aren't feeling it.  You wouldn't force-feed 50 kinds of chocolate to someone who says they do not care for chocolate and insist they just haven't had the right kind of chocolate, so why is this any different?  Sure, lots of people like chocolate, but there is absolutely nothing on the planet that everyone is into.

 

Besides, I found my "right one" and... I'm still ace.

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@Sarah-SylviaThanks! I love hugging and kissing my friends on their cheeks (with their consent). I just don’t know how I’d react in a less platonic physical situation and I don’t know my comfort levels so I feel like I should try to figure it out. My brother says it’s defeatist not to try. 
 

@Ceebsthank you for the insight! Sorry if I’m misinterpreting what you are saying but I think you are saying people who question sometimes realize they are not ace? Do you feel like people who are certain they are ace ever change? I don’t think I question I’m aroace at the moment, I just feel pressure to change into something else. 
 

@PicklethewickleI feel like my orientations have always been a constant lack of attraction and that has never changed even with my mental health going up or down or sideways or whatever. 
 

Also oof. I didn’t want to hear that lmao but I think I needed to. I was hoping that someone would provide a roadmap I could copy but that doesn’t work with sexuality even if it might work for a job or a hobby. I hate being reminded that I need to live by my own feelings and stories. Also yeah I was hoping that I could learn to feel the drive for romantic and sexual relationships. I feel like I should want to want these relationships haha yeah. And if I put effort in I can convince my body to conform. sigh sigh sigh :c
 

Thank you so much for your reply! It was very helpful 
 

 

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everywhere and nowhere
5 hours ago, hachisu said:

I don’t know if I’m sex positive, neutral, or averse.

Just mentioning (for the umpteenth time, bu you may not have seen it): "sex-positive" does not mean "able to enjoy sex". It exclusively describes a political stance on sex.

Using "sex-positive" in the meaning of "sex-favourable" is the most harmful to actual sex-positive asexuals, those who are politically sex-positive without necessarily being open to sex. It puts their ability to safely express their views at risk, their words may be read as a declaration of being personally open to sex - something most sex-positive asexuals don't mean to communicate. I am sex-negative myself, but I care about sex-positive asexuals' basic right not to be misunderstood.

5 hours ago, hachisu said:

I think I’m a romantic and I love romance novels which I probably should wean off

I would advise you to do so. There's nothing bad about romance as such, but romantic novels indeed brainwash women into thinking that romantic relationships are essential to happiness (that it's impossible to be content without them), at least often used to portray possessive men as attractive, at least used to upkeep the vision of heteronormative relationships as the only imaginable option... (Obviously, I don't read this kind of books, so I'm not sure how they look like nowadays.) If we also consider that sex scenes are nowadays considered obligatory in romance novels - where sex was once subtly suggested, it is now described in detail - such books may be uncomfortable to asexuals. Sure, not all asexuals react with distress to fictional sex scenes, but many enough do that it seems producent to advise asexuals against reading romance novels.

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Picklethewickle

If I'm understanding right, you haven't felt attraction before and aren't feeling attraction now. It sounds like the only motivation to pursue a relationship is that it's what your therapist told you to do. It isn't entirely clear if your therapist's suggestion took your feelings and the possibility of asexuality into consideration, so it might not be well thought out advice.

 

I've heard allosexuals compare sex with food. Their point is that to them, sex is a basic need that they can't live without, any more than they can live without food. I choose to use their comparison to draw a different conclusion: Don't eat when you aren't hungry. That's not the same as denying the possibility you could be hungry in the future. The point is that you aren't hungry now. If that changes in the future, that's business for the future. If you aren't hungry for sex or relationships right now, don't "eat".

 

You mentioned you might be romantic, and that you enjoy romance novels. Not all asexual people are aromantic. Also, some people aren't interested in having a romantic relationship themselves but enjoy the idea of romance, so you aren't alone and you aren't breaking any rules. I don't read romance novels, so I can't comment on if they are negative or positive or what-not. I have read a defense of romance novels explaining their emotional rewards. In summary, the defense commented on all the emotional labour women do in real life to satisfy others. In romance novels that labour gets rewarded when it often doesn't in real life, and the women receive the same kind of emotional care that they give out themselves. I guess it depends on what books you read.

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I started considering myself Asexual when I was 19. Before that I was waiting for my sexuality to “grow in”. (Or wondered if my experience was just typical of being afab because I saw women be depicted as lacking sexuality in media.) So far I’m 22, (23 in a couple months) and I still consider myself asexual.
 

I’ve also had self-doubts due to my own issues and mental health problems, so you’re not alone in that. (anxiety-ridden mess, body issues from dysphoria, etc.) But the thing is, even if my asexuality was a result of my problems; I have no desire to “fix” my asexuality because it’s not actually a problem for me. I just don’t want sex. 
 

Remember to do what YOU want. Not what others want from you.

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On 11/25/2022 at 3:21 PM, hachisu said:

@Ceebsthank you for the insight! Sorry if I’m misinterpreting what you are saying but I think you are saying people who question sometimes realize they are not ace? Do you feel like people who are certain they are ace ever change? I don’t think I question I’m aroace at the moment, I just feel pressure to change into something else. 

Well I'd say there are likely more people who've questioned and realised they weren't ace than those who've felt absolutely certain and then discovered otherwise. I was once more in the questioning/confused/unsure category, but I can think of a number of members over the years who were quite secure in their asexual identity only to find that a specific situation had them experiencing unmistakable sexual desire for someone for the first time in their life.

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The French Unicorn
On 11/24/2022 at 6:47 PM, hachisu said:

Thank you for your words! My family is encouraging me to try sex and relationships because I’ve never tried it before because it never came up naturally. So I guess I have to put an effort in to make it happen?

Please don't try just to please them.

If you have to put effort to want something, usually it is an indication that you don't really want it.

Do you need to try eating poo to know you don't want to ? I don't think so.

Encourage someone to have a sexual or romantic relationship they don't want is a terrible advice if you ask me.

 

I've seen you change therapist, I hope the new one will have better understanding of a-spec identities. Firstly because it makes it sounds like being a-spec is closing ourselves to romance and/or sex, which is not the case : a lot of people had an open mind but couldn't do it cause they are not attracted to people that way. I remember that it took time for me to realize I was aro precisely cause I had an open mind to it, and it took time to accept I couldn't fall in love. Now I'm happy and I would not change it if I could, but it was a long time.

 

Then yes late bloomers exist. But you can't live your life expecting feelings that will probably never developped. You will adjust if they happen, but in the meanwhile, it is more logical to do as if they never will.

Some therapists still think romance and sex are necessary for everyone to be happy and will consider that not wanting them is a sign of depression or of an avoidant personality. It can sometimes of course, but this alone is not a sign.

The question you need to ask yourself is : if society and your closed ones were not pressuring you, would you pursue romance and/or sex ? Would it make you happy ? If the answers are no, then don't force yourself into these kinds of relationships, you'll be better without them. If change later, then it changes and you adjust. If it doesn't change, then you don't change as well. That's how I view things.

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On 11/25/2022 at 8:25 PM, everywhere and nowhere said:

Just mentioning (for the umpteenth time, bu you may not have seen it): "sex-positive" does not mean "able to enjoy sex". It exclusively describes a political stance on sex.

Using "sex-positive" in the meaning of "sex-favourable" is the most harmful to actual sex-positive asexuals, those who are politically sex-positive without necessarily being open to sex. It puts their ability to safely express their views at risk, their words may be read as a declaration of being personally open to sex - something most sex-positive asexuals don't mean to communicate. I am sex-negative myself, but I care about sex-positive asexuals' basic right not to be misunderstood.

I would advise you to do so. There's nothing bad about romance as such, but romantic novels indeed brainwash women into thinking that romantic relationships are essential to happiness (that it's impossible to be content without them), at least often used to portray possessive men as attractive, at least used to upkeep the vision of heteronormative relationships as the only imaginable option... (Obviously, I don't read this kind of books, so I'm not sure how they look like nowadays.) If we also consider that sex scenes are nowadays considered obligatory in romance novels - where sex was once subtly suggested, it is now described in detail - such books may be uncomfortable to asexuals. Sure, not all asexuals react with distress to fictional sex scenes, but many enough do that it seems producent to advise asexuals against reading romance novels.

Oh oops thank you for the correction--I didn't know that. Sorry for the confusion! 

 

I wish there were more books about people just developing friendship or platonic intimacy or queer platonic relationships. 

 

On a side note, a lot of romance novels these days are queer like One Last Stop. Not that many possessive men these days and a lot of neurodivergent/people of color these days (at least from what I read but as an Asian American and neurodivergent person I might specifically seek these out). 

 

On 11/25/2022 at 8:59 PM, Picklethewickle said:

If I'm understanding right, you haven't felt attraction before and aren't feeling attraction now. It sounds like the only motivation to pursue a relationship is that it's what your therapist told you to do. It isn't entirely clear if your therapist's suggestion took your feelings and the possibility of asexuality into consideration, so it might not be well thought out advice.

 

I've heard allosexuals compare sex with food. Their point is that to them, sex is a basic need that they can't live without, any more than they can live without food. I choose to use their comparison to draw a different conclusion: Don't eat when you aren't hungry. That's not the same as denying the possibility you could be hungry in the future. The point is that you aren't hungry now. If that changes in the future, that's business for the future. If you aren't hungry for sex or relationships right now, don't "eat".

You understand me right! My motivation is because it feels like I should want to want these relationships and fear of being lonely. But you can be lonely in a romantic/sexual relationship or they can die lol (my dad died and now my mum is lonely). 

 

IDK if you have read "Come as You Are" but I believe Emily Nagoski specifies sex shouldn't be seen as a need akin to hunger. I don't remember the details but apparently it's harmful to think sex as a "need" when it's a "want." Either way I'm proving your point further. 

Intellectually I understand what you are saying, but emotionally, I feel pressured to practice and wonder if I would enjoy it if I was placed in the context or if I would develop it. 

 

Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation, suicide, depression. 

Spoiler

Two months ago, I almost attempted suicide due to depression/CPTSD and in response, my aunt told me that if she was in my shoes, she would try to have sex first at least before dying lol. 

Intellectually I agree with what you say, but emotionally I want to be different. I think I need to read horror stories about aroaces who try what I want to try and it blowing up in their face. 

 

Quote

You mentioned you might be romantic, and that you enjoy romance novels. Not all asexual people are aromantic. Also, some people aren't interested in having a romantic relationship themselves but enjoy the idea of romance, so you aren't alone and you aren't breaking any rules. I don't read romance novels, so I can't comment on if they are negative or positive or what-not. I have read a defense of romance novels explaining their emotional rewards. In summary, the defense commented on all the emotional labour women do in real life to satisfy others. In romance novels that labour gets rewarded when it often doesn't in real life, and the women receive the same kind of emotional care that they give out themselves. I guess it depends on what books you read.

Just to clarify, I'm not alloromantic, I mean I'm like idealistic and head in the clouds and believe in love and stuff like that when I mean romantic. 

 

The reason I read romance novels is that I know that they'll be a happily ever after, I know what will happen, it's not stressful/anxiety-inducing, and it's all about emotions and interactions which feels low stakes practically but high stakes emotionally. 

 

15 hours ago, chris_error said:

I started considering myself Asexual when I was 19. Before that I was waiting for my sexuality to “grow in”. (Or wondered if my experience was just typical of being afab because I saw women be depicted as lacking sexuality in media.) So far I’m 22, (23 in a couple months) and I still consider myself asexual.
 

I’ve also had self-doubts due to my own issues and mental health problems, so you’re not alone in that. (anxiety-ridden mess, body issues from dysphoria, etc.) But the thing is, even if my asexuality was a result of my problems; I have no desire to “fix” my asexuality because it’s not actually a problem for me. I just don’t want sex. 
 

Remember to do what YOU want. Not what others want from you.

Sigh yeah. Intellectually I know it's not a problem but emotionally it feels that way due to messaging. 

 

Acceptance and respecting one's own wants is hard. If anyone feels frustrated with me or feels like I'm being hard headed, I'm sorry. I grew up with an abusive mum where what I wanted/needed was ignored. 

12 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Well I'd say there are likely more people who've questioned and realised they weren't ace than those who've felt absolutely certain and then discovered otherwise. I was once more in the questioning/confused/unsure category, but I can think of a number of members over the years who were quite secure in their asexual identity only to find that a specific situation had them experiencing unmistakable sexual desire for someone for the first time in their life.

Ah thank you! I have a friend says that I'm just in the wrong context and culture for my love map to be activated. 

 

I guess even if you do experience desire for the first time, you're still on ace/aro spectrum. 

2 hours ago, Frenchace said:

Please don't try just to please them.

The other motivation is that I'm afraid of being lonely as I grow. Right now I'm almost 24 and my friends aren't focused on family and I have friends but I fear as they develop romantic relationships/families they'll leave me and I'll be left behind. 

 

Quote

If you have to put effort to want something, usually it is an indication that you don't really want it.

Do you need to try eating poo to know you don't want to ? I don't think so.

Encourage someone to have a sexual or romantic relationship they don't want is a terrible advice if you ask me.

Hahaha. Hard words to hear. This is a reoccurring theme where I put effort into wanting something, and it just makes me depressed haha. I wanted to be fascinated by science and chemistry because it's a respectable, moral (imo, contributing to the world's knowledge), and well-paying job. 

 

Also sorry if I'm oversharing. I often don't know that boundary. 
 

Thank you for your words!

 

Quote

I've seen you change therapist, I hope the new one will have better understanding of a-spec identities. Firstly because it makes it sounds like being a-spec is closing ourselves to romance and/or sex, which is not the case : a lot of people had an open mind but couldn't do it cause they are not attracted to people that way. I remember that it took time for me to realize I was aro precisely cause I had an open mind to it, and it took time to accept I couldn't fall in love. Now I'm happy and I would not change it if I could, but it was a long time.

I just started with the new therapist and she mentioned she works with LGBTQIA+ people. Next session, I'll ask her what her experience with aroace people to make sure she has healthy advice. 

 

I'm glad you came to acceptance! Congratulations and I hope to one day come to similar happiness. 

Quote

Then yes late bloomers exist. But you can't live your life expecting feelings that will probably never developped. You will adjust if they happen, but in the meanwhile, it is more logical to do as if they never will.

Some therapists still think romance and sex are necessary for everyone to be happy and will consider that not wanting them is a sign of depression or of an avoidant personality. It can sometimes of course, but this alone is not a sign.

The question you need to ask yourself is : if society and your closed ones were not pressuring you, would you pursue romance and/or sex ? Would it make you happy ? If the answers are no, then don't force yourself into these kinds of relationships, you'll be better without them. If change later, then it changes and you adjust. If it doesn't change, then you don't change as well. That's how I view things.

I grew up hearing that asexuality might be a result of trauma and since I've experienced trauma, I worried that asexuality was a mental health disorder lol. (It's not I know)

 

If it was not difficult to have close friendships and queer platonic relationships as people age (or that's the narrative I hear), I would not pursue romance or sex. If I was not worried that I might change but have no experience in romantic relationships, I would not pursue romance or sex. 

 

----

 

Thank you everyone for your replies! Again, intellectually I realize you are right, but emotionally/psychologically, I haven't reached acceptance yet. But your words are helpful towards that journey towards acceptance. I also apologize if I overshared or emotionally burdened you... Please let me know if I need to back off! 

 

For now, I'll try to put my anxious energy toward developing friendships because god knows that I'll go back to dating apps if I don't put that energy somehow. 

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The French Unicorn
43 minutes ago, hachisu said:

Right now I'm almost 24 and my friends aren't focused on family and I have friends but I fear as they develop romantic relationships/families they'll leave me and I'll be left behind. 

Well I'm 28 and I manage to have single friends. The one who is the most likely to want a relationship is also not likely to forget me cause of romance.

Now that can happen of course, sadly I've heard a lot of stories like this. But then, you find better friends.

 

46 minutes ago, hachisu said:

Also sorry if I'm oversharing. I often don't know that boundary. 

No that's OK. You are questionning, that's normal.

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2 hours ago, Frenchace said:

Well I'm 28 and I manage to have single friends. The one who is the most likely to want a relationship is also not likely to forget me cause of romance.

Now that can happen of course, sadly I've heard a lot of stories like this. But then, you find better friends.

 

No that's OK. You are questionning, that's normal.

Thank you. I also think I need to remember that people in romantic relationships can be lonely too and suffer from lack of friendships and it’s not a unique aroace problem and not being aroace will magically solve this problem. 

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Picklethewickle

That was a really uncaring thing for your aunt to say, basically implying your life has no worth outside of sex. Her words suggests that she doesn't care if you live or not. I'm really sorry your family treated you that way, and I hope you find some genuine caring in your life. It's okay to reach and and share with us. We can't necessarily change the circumstances of your life, but we can listen. 

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems strange that your family pushes the agenda that sex as the only way to have a relationship. Hopefully you can convince them you would prefer friendships right now.

 

As for the book recommendation, I will check it out! I always thought it weird that people compared sex to food, and I tend to twist it around to create more sensible meanings. I'm glad someone had done work showing how this view is unhealthy.

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On 11/24/2022 at 7:19 AM, hachisu said:

Anyway does anyone have stories of developing attraction after 18 or going from asexual/aromantic to grey asexual/aromantic? Or their orientation being fluid and going from aro/ace to allo as they aged? 

I used to identify as asexual, but now I think it's more likely I'm either greysexual or on the low end of sexual. I've gone through several periods of questioning it at different times in my life. At one point I lamented being asexual because I thought it would make it harder to form the kinds of intimate relationships I wanted, but that turned out not to be the case. Now I feel like it's not that important whatever I "actually" am, because i know it's possible to live the kind of life I want with the kinds of relationships I want either way. I think it's good to keep an open mind... but if you feel perfectly happy without romance and/or sex, and you don't have any desire to try them, then there's no need to force yourself to just because other people think it's a good idea.

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sorry for the delayed replies! Had low bandwidth! 
 

@Picklethewicklethank you! It’s just my aunt who is obsessed with sex. I don’t understand my brother’s stance because he’s like you should accept who you are some days but other days says not trying is defeatist. My mom, ironically, says she doesn’t care at all. It’s ironic because she’s the abuser in my family.

 

@Arctangentdo you mind expanding on what you mean by the intimate relationships you wanted?

 

because I have a five second memory, I went to a club last night (no drinking or other drugs involved) and my friend wingmanned me into getting my first kiss because I was curious how it would feel like. I felt pretty neutral about it. Based on my experiences with masturbation as well, I think I’m indifferent/get no pleasure or disgust or pain from non platonic intimacy.  I think I want to try things just for closure. I worry though I’ll end up hurting people with my experimentation. 

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Picklethewickle

If people understand you are doing things for personal experimentation, or that you aren't looking to develop anything committed, they will be less likely to be hurt. Communicate your needs, and find out their needs before you take action. That will help you avoid hurting someone's feelings or taking advantage of someone.

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