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Advice wanted, for something that's hopefully fun


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Pebble110

Hiya, 

this is my first time posting something like this so apologies if the format is odd. My partner is ace and potentially aromantic as well, which is fine and all but in a recent conversation they stated that they just don't know what romantic love feels like or how to differentiate it from platonic love. I myself am somewhat a hopeless romantic but tried to 'logically' (at least in my mind) to explain what i felt the difference between platonic and romantic love is. and I believe the answer i gave was along the lines of "you can't really define romantic love as its different for all. but in my mind i would look at how far I would go for you as opposed to how far I would go for others. for example, if you had a family emergency or you needed to get to your family home for whatever reason i would drop everything and get you there (several hour journey)  no questions asked nor any sass or sighing. whereas i would still like to think i would do that for a friend but I would probably be a lil disgruntled somewhat if i felt that it wasn't ENTIRELY necessary" (best analogy I could come up with at the time). I think in our discussion we came to the conclusion that for us at least there isn't really a fixed definition for platonic or romantic, just an intensity of love. like how you may love a friend but not in a romantic way vs a family member who you definitely love a lot but again not romantically. and early in a relationship, although the love may not be to the same intensity as between you and a family member, the love between yourself and your partner is somewhat different in nature to that of you and a family member. 

Now that I've had some time, I was thinking about this and I personally love thinking about these kinds of things. But I was wondering, what are your little definitions between platonic or romantic. or what for you makes a relationship romantic vs aromantic. I just want a few fun questions that i could ask my partner to gauge whether they connect with them at all or just a little bit. 

my partner and I are very open with each other and enjoy exploring these kinds of ideas together so it wont be an interrogtion by any means and it wont be me trying to assess or change whether they are aromantic or not. that would not affect our relationship. just thought it may be a fun thought exercise and i thought here would be a good place to ask!

cheers all :)

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I've always come at this from a slightly different perspective than many people. Love is love. I loved my gran (well, still do even though she's no longer alive) and I love my partner. The relationships are different of course, but is the love different? Not as far as I can tell. Things like sexual desire and romantic feelings for a partner are like add-ons to the love bit.

 

Maybe that's just semantics though, haha. I gather that what you're asking is (more or less) 'What's romance?' For me, it's a desire for a level of emotional intimacy and a degree of commitment to each other that I don't feel for someone who's just a platonic friend. It's a deeper bond. And honestly, biologically, it's probably based in sexual attraction. Which isn't to say I'm thinking about sex every single time I feel and express romantic sentiments, but I would hazard a guess that that's how our wiring works. Sexual attraction/desire and really liking who someone is as a person leads to a desire for the type of emotional intimacy that's inherent to a romantic connection.

 

My two cents. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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2 hours ago, Helenbaby007 said:

Guys if  u wanna chatting/dirty talking/playing

 my s. n ap:  [removed]

Salutations, Helen! Greetings! Good morning! Bonjour!

 

Based on your username, I'm assuming you're a woman. Which is fine, since I'm bisexual. Alas, I am also monogamous. I fear my partner would be greatly saddened if you and I were to engage in some filthy chatting. I mean, I could certainly just not tell him... but I would be tormented with guilt, so I'm afraid I can't. It was sweet of you to ask, though. 😘

 

(Yes I know this is spam, mods. Feel free to delete my post along with the above lol.)

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(Or leave it for the sake of amusement? 😂)

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notactuallymerida
48 minutes ago, Pebble110 said:

i would look at how far I would go for you as opposed to how far I would go for others. for example, if you had a family emergency or you needed to get to your family home for whatever reason i would drop everything and get you there (several hour journey)  no questions asked nor any sass or sighing. whereas i would still like to think i would do that for a friend but I would probably be a lil disgruntled somewhat if i felt that it wasn't ENTIRELY necessary" (best analogy I could come up with at the time).

I’m (most likely) aro and I can’t say that that’s what defines romantic love for me, as I’d do this for a queerplatonic partner or good friend no questions asked. For me personally, romantic love is extremely hard to describe as I’ve probably never felt it (at least I’ve never had a crush or was in love with someone.) I also wouldn’t want others to perceive my QPR (hah, as if I could ever get a QPP) as a romantic relationship. I don’t like excessive cuddling or kissing too often (I’m rarely in the mood for kisses, and no tongues involved.) 

 

Okay, and so how do queerplatonic and romantic love differ?

For me, queerplatonic love is a more pragmatic feeling, based on trust built over several years. It is also the knowledge that someone is my safe person, and it’s just comforting. The knowledge that we will go through all the ups and downs of life together, that we’ll be always there for each other.

I can only imagine what romantic love feels like, but I believe it to be more ecstatic, exciting and emotional. It can also be more fleeting, as some couples describe their love for each other vanishing or changing over the years. 

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8 hours ago, notactuallymerida said:

It is also the knowledge that someone is my safe person, and it’s just comforting. The knowledge that we will go through all the ups and downs of life together, that we’ll be always there for each other.

That's exactly how I feel about my partner, and our relationship is romantic and sexual, as well as being based in strong friendship and having a familial feel to it as well. No one else has ever been my 'safe person' nearly as much, or been as comforting to me. Just because there's romance and desire involved doesn't make it any less stable.

 

The more fleeting stuff is what it's like in a relationship that isn't what I'd consider 'the full deal'. There's a mutual draw but it isn't stable and it isn't really love, IMO.

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notactuallymerida
55 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

That's exactly how I feel about my partner, and our relationship is romantic and sexual, as well as being based in strong friendship and having a familial feel to it as well. No one else has ever been my 'safe person' nearly as much, or been as comforting to me. Just because there's romance and desire involved doesn't make it any less stable.

 

The more fleeting stuff is what it's like in a relationship that isn't what I'd consider 'the full deal'. There's a mutual draw but it isn't stable and it isn't really love, IMO.

I didn’t mean to say that this kind of feeling couldn’t exist in a sexual/romantic relationship. In fact it should exist in any long-term relationship. You even said yourself that there’s platonic/familial "attraction" (is this the right word?) in your relationship. 

It’s just that in a QPR I wouldn’t feel sexual attraction (obviously) and also not this ecstatic "butterflies in my stomach" or "OMG I’m so in love with them" feeling that I guess would be romantic attraction.

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