Can I be sex phobic without trauma?

[lostsoul21]

A little bit of context first.

I'm a 22yo girl. I found out about being asexual 6 years ago in my first year at college when I was just 17. I realised back then how much sex did not interest me and how it never crossed my mind even though I've had boyfriends before. It felt like sex was never an option, I could not picture myself having sexual relationships. After that I went through a long and difficult phase of acceptance and even if I'm still not fond of it, I ended up accepting it. The important thing is that I never had difficulties setting my boundaries and I've never been forced into sexual relationship nor did I receive any form of pressure or hate about being ace.

 

So everything was okay between me and myself until recently.

I started dating my boyfriend, J (24,M), almost a year ago. We met in class as we are both psychology students currently in our last year. J knew I was ace before we started dating, I was very clear about the 99.9% chance that we would never have sexual relationships and he was okay with it. He never tried to convince me to have sex and always respected my limits (at first I was very distant and not into physical contact of any kind nor into kisses), I trust him and I feel perfectly safe around him.

From times to times, we have discussions about my asexuality. He understood the "absence of sexual attraction" thing but he still tries to understand the reasons why I categorically refuse sexual relationships.

I used to avoid questioning anything about my (a)sexuality and think about it the less possible. These conversations made me think about my views on sexuality in a way I never did before and I realised I did not have any answer to most of his questions about my own functioning. I decided I wanted to understand myself better so I started seeing a therapist who also was a sexologist (no freudian bullshit). Eventually, I realised that my problem was not linked to sexuality only but with intimacy in general, not only in a sexual way. 

 

Understanding that, I achieved to do things I never thought I would ever be able to do. The biggest thing is that I was able to have a shower with my boyfriend. It's something he told me about a long time ago and I told him it was impossible for me. He respected it but he told me he didn't think of it as something sexual, he just used to enjoy showering with his ex and he thinks it's fun so he wanted to do it with me. For months I told him I could not do it, I realised it was not a sexual thing and I wanted to do it but without understanding why it really felt impossible for me, unconceivable. Yet, after a couple of sessions with my therapist I understood that nudity was the thing making it look impossible and I eventually achieved to shower with him with the light off. It was great, we did several times by now still in the dark and I love these moments. We are still working on the next step: light on. Besides that, I now genuinely enjoy kissing and cuddling with him.

 

Now, I know some ace people are okay with having sex and actually enjoy it and I came to a point where I feel so comfortable with him that I think I would like to try sexual things with him, but it still seems impossible for me to get this far.

A couple of days ago we had another discussion about what was really stopping me from doing anything sexual. Things I remember thinking about 6 years ago when I was struggling with self-acceptation came back to my mind for the first time in years. It felt like I've forgotten them all this time but they still feel verry accurate. Here are some of the things that came back crystal clear to my mind:

     - when I say I can not engage in anything sexual I mean that it does not feel like my choice by lack of sexual attraction, I am physically and psychologically unable to even picture myself in a sexual situation. If I try to see it in my head it feels like someone is screaming "no" at me and pushing me back before I can even imagine getting undressed or touching him or getting touched by him.

     - I am sex phobic and I can not look at his private part, like I can't even imagine it. I'm okay with him seeing me naked in full light as long as I have my eyes closed and I don't see him naked (we did not try it yet because it's goddamn weird)

     - if I was to have sex with someone it would be less horrifying to do it with a complete stranger than with my boyfriend because I seem to have a huge problem with physical and psychological intimacy. If I do it with a stranger I could pretend that I am not myself (if that means anything), I feel like I could mentaly disapear until it's over and the stranger would not notice but if I did it with my boyfriend he would notice so I would have to stay mentaly present during the whole thing and I could just not do it at all

     - the same goes for alcohol and substances, I did get drunk before and I feel like if I get drunk enough I would be capable to have sex with my boyfriend. I told him about that but he said there was no way on earth he will ever do anything with me in these conditions (which is a very good thing I did not doubt for a second)

     - if we tried to do anything sexual while I'm sober I just know I would freak out like straight up panick attack or fainting (just having these discussions makes my whole body shake and I find it hard to think and talk and sometimes I feel like I'm going to fall asleep or so)

 

To complete the full picture I may add that I do have a libido and I do masturbate alone when the period hormones hit. It does not scare me at all but I do not overly enjoy it and it would not bother me if these moments and needs disapeared.

 

As a last year psychology student specialised in psycho-trauma, I can't deny that a lot of signs look verry traumatic but once again, I never had traumatic experiences involving sex (or at least that I remember). My boyfriends were always respectful and kind and I never pushed myself to do something I wasn't sure I wanted. I have zero sexual experience.

 

I guess my final questions are:

   - does anyone relate to my situation or have a sex phobia without experiencing trauma?

   - do you think I can get rid of that phobia thanks to psychotherapy or did anyone did it before?

 

I do accept myself as an ace girl, I'm not trying to develop sexual attraction. I'm not trying to have sex just to make my boyfriend happy, I want to be able to choose if I wanna engage into sexual relationships with him and not be submitted to a phobia or reactions I don't understand.

I always charged all my views on sexuality on being ace but today I realise that some of my difficulties aren't necessarily implied by asexuality (such as my problem with intimacy in general).

 

I'm sorry for having written this much (and sorry for the approximative english), I guess that somehow it helps me organising my thoughts as this phobia thing is very knew.

Thank you so much to anyone who reached the end and to anyone who would give me their opinions!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TormentDubz]

Don't force yourself into it and definitely don't get drunk just to do sexual stuff (intoxicated people can't consent). Sex repulsion is not necessarily caused by trauma and you don't need therapy to get rid of it.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, lostsoul21 said:

does anyone relate to my situation or have a sex phobia without experiencing trauma?

I don't like calling it a phobia (because it's a medicalising term, and I reject medicalisation of asexuality), I prefer saying that I'm sex-averse (admittedly this one sounds medicalising as well, although I admit that I'm used to it and I reject treating sex aversion as always pathological) or that I'm incapable of having sex. But yes, I am this without having experienced sexual trauma. It strongly seems to me that my sex aversion is rooted in a health issue, and yet I fully accept it and refuse to think of it as a dysfunction and/or something that I supposedly shouldn't be. I suffer from a chronic illness - allergy and atopic dermatitis, I have never had undamaged skin for the last 38 years (I'm 41 years old), and my illness made me develop an extreme nudity aversion yet at a prepubescent age. I make no exceptions, not even for medical situations, and actually I'm proud to be unrelenting.

However, my choice is to accept myself as I am. I would never want to become comfortable with nudity, I would never want to be allosexual, I would never want to become capable of having sex. After all, it's my life and I have a right to live it the way I want to, and not the way someone else imagines as able to make everyone happy. I don't believe the promises of supposed universal pleasure of sex, I don't believe that everyone can enjoy sex. In fact, the very idea of "giving it a try" feels insulting to me: the idea that I "should" do something which gives me extreme discomfort for the sake of becoming able to do something I don't even want, is simply outrageous.

 

You wrote that you don't just want to make your boyfriend happy... but do you actually want to try sex, or do you believe that you should become able to try it because of how sex is presented to us as ultimately beautiful (really, I'm sick of this propaganda... even more as I decide - quoting from my diary - that even if I have no right to decide about it - because I stand towards sex on the solely acceptable for me position of a theorist - and, to make matters worse, I also stand on the position of a near-theorist towards mysticism... in spite of these reservations it is clear to me that sex can only be a miserable substitute for mystical omnisensation), as "universal part of human experience", as something people "should" do if they are in a relationship? No, sex is really not obligatory. You don't have to do it, you have a right to accept yourself as you are. Maybe my answers are skewed by my own sex aversion and sex negativity, but I think that really, someone needs to stand up for sex-averse people, their right to accept themselves, their right to decide how much stress they may want or not want to accept. It is the fact that sex aversion is almost invariably pathologised, which makes me proud to accept myself as a sex-averse person: I perceive my pride as an act of defiance. I simply want the right to question whether becoming able to have sex is necessarily in our best interest, I want to show the alternative of accepting sex aversion and not giving in to the mainstream's views.

[Sally]

If you don't want to have sex for whatever reason, then don't have it.  No one -- including your boyfriend or yourself -- should expect a detailed set of reasons as to why you don't want sex.   Treat it as though you are not choosing to engage in a certain entertainment, or eat a certain food, or listen to certain music: it is simply your choice.  That also means that should you change your mind at some later date, then you can choose to have sex.  

[notactuallymerida]

I wouldn’t call what you’re experiencing a phobia, it’s more likely sex-aversion or sex-repulsion. I’m also sex-repulsed and always have been, so it’s not like some sort of trauma made me that way. It’s just who I am. 

If it is sex-repulsion, I highly doubt that any amount of therapy could change that. If anything, you’d probably traumatise yourself. 

 

I feel just like you if not stronger (for example I’d never take a shower with someone else), but I don’t feel the need to change something. Why should I? It’s just the way I am and it’s not like my behaviour is harmful to anyone.

[Disneyplusandchill]

I would encourage you to focus on the fears of intimacy, rather than the fear of sex specifically. It's definitely no fun to have extreme reactions you can't control or understand. However, it doesn't reflect badly on you to have such reactions! It's great how you're trying to understand yourself better. Therapy sounds like a good thing, but again don't worry about the sex - intimacy is a larger psychological and relational issue that you will definitely benefit by addressing, whether it makes you more comfortable with nudity and sex or not (which are both legitimate possibilities).

 

Remember throughout this that your feelings are important and valid, even when they're uncomfortable and big and scary - they're trying to tell you important things and protect you, not get in your way. Hopefully you will be able to feel safer in vulnerability in your relationships! You may or may not want, like, or feel comfortable with sex even after improving intimacy, and that's okay either way. But when you know yourself and your needs, and you've grown your ability to connect closely, you'll hopefully feel better equipped to make the more deliberate choice that you'd like. 

 

P.S. I frequently fifind sex gross and invasive personally, and relate to having a visceral reaction in that way, but I don't typically have a fear-type response. I identify as somewhere between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed, because it fluctuates. I also have no trauma or experience - this is all just the idea/image of it that I get put off by. 

[Geekykitty]

On 11/23/2022 at 10:02 AM, lostsoul21 said:

I am physically and psychologically unable to even picture myself in a sexual situation. If I try to see it in my head it feels like someone is screaming "no" at me and pushing me back before I can even imagine getting undressed or touching him or getting touched by him.

Yes I feel exactly this 😫

Even if I can find someone attractive, even sexually appealing, the thought of myself having sex just seems wrong somehow. 

 

On 11/23/2022 at 10:02 AM, lostsoul21 said:

guess my final questions are:

   - does anyone relate to my situation or have a sex phobia without experiencing trauma?

   - do you think I can get rid of that phobia thanks to psychotherapy or did anyone did it before?

I have never experienced any sexual trauma but still have a kind of fear or disgust around the idea of myself having sex. I really don't know if there's a way to change one's perception and get over these fears. Sounds like you are already doing everything you can - seeing a therapist, taking things slowly with your boyfriend and developing trust between you...etc.

I wonder if ultimately it comes down to whether we really want something badly enough to push through the fear? I feel if there is something you REALLY want to do you can find a way to do it. But when we don't care that much there is no incentive. For example lets say you want to sky dive, but you are afraid of heights. But if you really really want to sky dive I feel you would work hard to try to do it, forcing yourself to high places etc to get used to the height. Would the fear actually go away though? Probably not. But could you work your way gradually to sky dive if you REALLY wanted to do it. I say probably yes. I have anxiety about alot of things. When I was younger I really wanted to travel overseas but was afraid. Because I really wanted to do it though I eventually was able to push through my fears and do it.

Anyways I'm not a psychologist or anything! I don't think you can necessarily "get rid" of the fear. But I think if you really want something you can find a way to push through the fear. So with sex for myself I don't really care that much about trying it, so I'm not motivated to try and work through my fears. I guess you have to ask yourself do you really want to have sex? If you really want to try sex then I think it is possible to push through the fear. But if you don't really want to have sex but keep trying to overcome your fear I think it will be difficult because their is little incentive for you to do it.