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Am I too young?


imjustconfused

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imjustconfused

I'm fourteen and I identify as asexual and gay. Except, I came out to my mum about being ace and she literally said 'Don't worry, your only 14" and one of my other friends thinks that it’s just a phase. Am I too young? And if when I'm older, I do identify as allosexual, will the time when I identified as ace not count anymore? I'm not really sure how AVEN works but I'm trying to figure myself out so I'm just asking for help.

P.S Please be kind

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1 minute ago, imjustconfused said:

I'm fourteen and I identify as quioromantic, asexual and gay. Except, I came out to my mum about being ace and she literally said 'Don't worry, your only 14" and one of my other friends thinks that its just a phase. Am I too young? And if when I'm older, I do identify as allosexual, will the time when I identified as ace not count anymore? I'm not really sure how AVEN works but I'm trying to figure myself out so I'm just asking for help.

P.S Please be kind

Statistically speaking, most people feel attraction by age 13 (12 for girls, 14 for boys) (Boxer,Levinson,Peterson 1989), however more recent studies put it slightly younger, for example 10 (McClintock, Hurdt)

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7 minutes ago, imjustconfused said:

I'm fourteen and I identify as quioromantic, asexual and gay. Except, I came out to my mum about being ace and she literally said 'Don't worry, your only 14" and one of my other friends thinks that its just a phase. Am I too young? And if when I'm older, I do identify as allosexual, will the time when I identified as ace not count anymore? I'm not really sure how AVEN works but I'm trying to figure myself out so I'm just asking for help.

P.S Please be kind

I am also 14 and identify as ace, and I know there are some members here that are even younger. I think if you are old enough to say that you are straight, gay, bi, etc, you are old enough to say that you are ace. Is it possible you might feel attraction when you're older? Yes. But is it possible you might not? Yes. Regardless of how you feel when you're older, if referring to yourself as ace now helps, do it.

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29 minutes ago, Lord Revan said:

Statistically speaking, most people feel attraction by age 13 (12 for girls, 14 for boys) (Boxer,Levinson,Peterson 1989), however more recent studies put it slightly younger, for example 10 (McClintock, Hurdt)

The stats I saw were 25% age 11-12 that think about sex. Doesn't specify sexual attraction, and some stats on attraction don't really say  that it's about 'sexual' attraction.

 

It's quite easy for someone not to have sexual feelings before 15-17. Even if a good portion may experience it younger.

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Just be yourself, follow what makes sense to you. You can use a label if you want but it's good to stay open, because teen years means still changing and some things might rise up later. But it doesn't mean you can't try to understand yourself anyway.

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imjustconfused

Thank you, this has helped a lot! I didn't expect so many replies so thanks.

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I was already identifying as asexual a whole year before I was 14. I have never had any reason to question it. 

There is a chance that you will feel those feelings or that you have and don't recognize it yet, but there's nothing wrong with identifying as ace now and seeing how it goes. 

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Whether or not you keep the label later, it’s perfectly okay to try on labels and see what feels right for you. It’s unrealistic and impossible to have 100% certainty about anything. All you can do is be as authentic to yourself as you know how to be. Even 18+ asexuals get the “just a phase” response also. Try not to stress over it too much. ❤️

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Looking back now at my early teens, all the signs were there. Just like how other know that they like the opposite sex at a certain age, you started noticing your asexuality and attraction to the same gender. I don't think you're ever to young to tell people how you identify.

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My general comment on this is that you are never too young to know how  you feel now, and never too old to know that your feelings won't change.  Act on how you feel now.  Until you are planning to make a life-long commitment to someone (marriage or similar) you can change any time you want.

 

Some people's sexuality is set by the time they are 14, but for others it continues to change until their 20s or even later.   Some people either change, or discover what they were even much later in life.

 

 

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  • 5 weeks later...
LittlePoltergeistFriend

I am also 14. I’ve done some research on asexuality and lots of things i’ve gotten to do with age is that you normally start to feel sexual attraction during puberty (though this isn’t for everyone and may not be entirely true). Some helpful things I’ve heard were ‘your asexual until you feel sexual attraction’ and ‘you can change your labels and sexuality whenever, it’s common to go through changes to it’

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On 11/22/2022 at 9:24 AM, imjustconfused said:

Am I too young?

I think 14 is a little young to know for sure. Some people do take longer then others to feel interest in sex. Its fine if you want identify that way and read up about asexuality, but I think you should just not worry too much about having a definite "label." Enjoy your teen years and have fun figuring yourself out rather then putting pressure on yourself to know what your sexuality is right away. 

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Don't worry about it. When you're 24 or 34 or 44, you can remind Mum that you've been saying this since you were 14.

 

She might still not get it.

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On 11/21/2022 at 2:24 PM, imjustconfused said:

if when I'm older, I do identify as allosexual, will the time when I identified as ace not count anymore?

To who?

 

In what way?

 

What would "count" or "not count" mean, specifically?

 

Anyway, the answer is No, your lived experience doesn't get erased.

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I will say, it sounds like you have a pretty cool mom if she said this about the ace part but not about the gay part.

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nanogretchen4

If someone is asexual they were probably already asexual when they were 14, so obviously some 14 year olds are asexual. However, a lot of 14 year olds don't really know what their sexual orientation is. Considering that it hasn't been very long since puberty, and considering how much your body and brain are still changing, and considering that you probably haven't had much if any experience with dating or relationships, I wouldn't get too strongly attached to a label if I were you.

 

I do think you are too young to come out to your parents. They will have near total power over you until you become an adult. In many countries they could even force you to go to conversion therapy.  Just in case they have a negative reaction, it is better to wait until you are a legal adult, not living with your parents, and not financially dependent on your parents to tell them your orientation. Fortunately, your mum does not believe you are asexual, so just don't bring it up to her any more and no harm done.

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I don't think anyone is necessarily "too young" to know what their orientation is so long as they understand what sexual orientations even are, but I also don't feel like a 14 year old should need to be terribly concerned about their sexual orientation to begin with.  This is probably what your mom means by the "don't worry" comment.  I don't think she even necessarily disbelieves you; she just probably would rather you focus on things like your schoolwork.

 

Personally, I never even knew what sex was until the age of 14, but I already knew I was disinterested the moment I learned.  Had I had the terminology for it back then, I could have easily adopted the asexual label.

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a little annihilation

You're not too young to know if you're ace and gay. And if you identify as sexual later on in your life it's okay because sexuality is fluid and it doesn't invalidate the time you spent identifying as ace. 

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imjustconfused
3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Definitely don't come out to your parents as gay while you are still a minor. 

Already done it, a while ago. They were fine and really supportive.

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nanogretchen4

Okay. I'm glad it worked out well for you. I still wouldn't advise it in general because the consequences can be so dangerous for a 14 year old if the parents react badly. But you lucked out and your parents are supportive, so that's great.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Almost_something

I've also started to identify myself as ace as a 14 year old. I think the important thing is to be open to feel what your are feeling. Even tho your perception of yourself could change in the future, let the label remember you that's okay to not feel sexual attraction, as much as it's okay to feel it. 

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