My Partner recently told me he is asexual but I am not.

[ally_maia]

Hi everybody,

Normally i am not someone who shares their personal stories on the internet to be read by everyone, but i am just deeply scared to loose him. 

 

First of all - we have been in a Relationship for five years and moved in together. I can truly and with my whole heart say, that he is the love of my life. He is the first person who really loves me, he is my safe space, and without him i just do not feel complete.

 

I first noticed that he wasnt quite "like me" when it comes to sex, when we were dating for almost a year. I just felt that he wasnt enjoying sex the same way i did. Often it felt like he was pressuring himself to do it. In the beginning, we had Sex quite often.

Since me moved together, our sex life was slowly beginning to fade away. 

It took multiple genuine Talks with him to open up more about the way he truly felt. This was a really hard time for me because i didnt want to pressure him to "out" himself or talk about something he isnt ready to talk about.

A few Days ago he finally told me the truth -- He is on the Asexual Spectrum. In his case, that means that he does not want to do anything sexual.

At first i was shattered. But it was an overall ambivalent feeling to me; Being queer myself i know how relieving it is to finally be your true self - on the other hand i knew that this meant, that I, for the first time, had to really think about how this relationship will be moving forward.

 

I truly wanted and still want to support him. I told him that i cant leave him and that he is the love of my life - that all the beautiful things our relationship has become are more important than sex. But today i realized that there are literally no compromises... He told me that he doesnt want to have anything sexual ever again but also doesnt want to open the relationship because it would hurt him. I totally accept that because i myself cant really picture myself doing it with anybody other than him.

 

I know it maybe sounds pointless but i really want to make things work. Is there anybody here who is in an Asexual/Sexual Partnership? How do you shape your love life or intimacy?

I also caught myself thinking about the fact that maybe, someday, he will be okay again with at least having some sexual interactions because we did that before. He told me he enjoyed them back then (obv. not like me but you get the point) and i thought that maybe someday it will happen again. I know t sounds weird. I cant change his sexuality.

Im just deeply scared to loose him as he is the love of my Life.

[Zoeo]

Hi, I'm in a mixed relationship that sounds similar to yours. I will admit up front, that I am not entirely sex-repulsed so my situation is not exactly the same. Though my asexuality also snuck up on me slowly in a way that sounds like his. 

I'm sure your partner was relieved that you accepted him when he opened up to you about being asexual. Communication is going to be key here, though it may be awkward. Since he doesn't want to open the relationship, and is sex-repulsed, you can take some time to consider whether or not you are willing to accept a relationship where sex is off the table. And here's the weird part, try to have an open conversation about what contact he defines as sexual and what contact he is okay with. It's really taking a magnifying glass to your and his preferences, but it's worth it. To give you examples from my relationship, I love physical contact, but get easily freaked out if I perceive it to be made with the expectation of sex. My partner knows I will never initiate anything (because it literally does not occur to me) and I know that if I am overwhelmed, stressed, or in an other wise sex-repulsed state that I can safely communicate that I'm not able or willing to engage at the moment. 

[ally_maia]

29 minutes ago, Zoeo said:

Hi, I'm in a mixed relationship that sounds similar to yours. I will admit up front, that I am not entirely sex-repulsed so my situation is not exactly the same. Though my asexuality also snuck up on me slowly in a way that sounds like his. 

I'm sure your partner was relieved that you accepted him when he opened up to you about being asexual. Communication is going to be key here, though it may be awkward. Since he doesn't want to open the relationship, and is sex-repulsed, you can take some time to consider whether or not you are willing to accept a relationship where sex is off the table. And here's the weird part, try to have an open conversation about what contact he defines as sexual and what contact he is okay with. It's really taking a magnifying glass to your and his preferences, but it's worth it. To give you examples from my relationship, I love physical contact, but get easily freaked out if I perceive it to be made with the expectation of sex. My partner knows I will never initiate anything (because it literally does not occur to me) and I know that if I am overwhelmed, stressed, or in an other wise sex-repulsed state that I can safely communicate that I'm not able or willing to engage at the moment. 

Thank you so much for your answer! im still really new to all of this since Asexuality isnt as represented in the public/media etc. as it should be. Therefore im really happy about your kind words. Also it truly gives me some relief to hear that your relationship is working out, since i have also been reading a lot of posts from couples that have broken up because of their sexualities. I will try to ask him about what he defines as sexual contact. I also think i have to give this whole situation some time since it has only been a few days... 

[Mountain House]

3 hours ago, ally_maia said:

I also think i have to give this whole situation some time since it has only been a few days... 

Very smart approach.

 

3 hours ago, ally_maia said:

i have also been reading a lot of posts from couples that have broken up

Be aware that this is a real outcome. You can begin talking together about what that would look like should it happen. Fantastic ex(s) and best friends can still happen.

 

Be true to yourself. It's easy at this point to fool yourself.

 

4 hours ago, ally_maia said:

I also caught myself thinking about the fact that maybe, someday,

My point...

[ally_maia]

7 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Very smart approach.

 

Be aware that this is a real outcome. You can begin talking together about what that would look like should it happen. Fantastic ex(s) and best friends can still happen.

 

Be true to yourself. It's easy at this point to fool yourself.

 

My point...

I do know that it’s a possible outcome. I just can’t wrap my head around it. 5 Days ago i thought we were inseparable… Before he outed himself to me, i thought the low sex drive was just a phase. 

Now, it just feels like a hopeless situation. I really want to fight for this to work out… But.. I’m scared that one das i‘ll wake up and realize that our relationship kind of has an expiry date..? 

Im so scared that deep down i already know that i can’t accept never having sex again. 

That i will loose myself to protect him and us. 

This feels like the end of the world… But i just want so support him.. I know how painful it must’ve been to hide this part of his personality for so long. Also i dont want to breakup just because of sex. it feels so wrong.

[Mountain House]

6 hours ago, ally_maia said:

I’m scared that one das i‘ll wake up and realize that our relationship kind of has an expiry date..? 

Maybe your relationship changes. Maybe you aren't meant to be lovers/married but BFFs. And maybe it does end.

 

6 hours ago, ally_maia said:

i already know that i can’t accept never having sex again.

This is good.

 

6 hours ago, ally_maia said:

That i will loose myself to protect him and us. 

This is not good. It wouldn't be healthy for either of you. If you begin to feel this way, then the way to actually protect each other would be to break up. All relationships end.

 

6 hours ago, ally_maia said:

 i dont want to breakup just because of sex. it feels so wrong.

Nothing is wrong here.

[anisotrophic]

19 hours ago, ally_maia said:

He told me that he doesnt want to have anything sexual ever again but also doesnt want to open the relationship because it would hurt him.

It’s understandable that someone would not want to lose the things they have (eg in the status quo), and it’s also not at all justified — it’s not fair — for this to translate to pressuring someone to agree to an extraordinary renegotiation of a relationship after five years, sacrificing something that was reasonably understood to implicitly be present.

 

Positive experience of one’s own sexuality is a core aspect of adult life. A relationship that isn’t treating this as important is one that fails to holistically value your wellbeing. It’s admirable respect and empathy to want to give him a positive experience by accepting and supporting his absence of desire, to not feel shame for it, to not be pressured to pretend to be something he is not. And what about you and your sexuality? How does he feel about your sexuality — in abstract — how does he wants to support you having a positive experience of yourself in this respect? Does he recognize that you’ve experienced unmet needs based on a reasonable expectation that they would eventually be met — that the status quo was something you experienced as transient tolerance of unmet needs — that this represented you investing in the relationship by trusting it would get better? Tolerance of unmet needs is something one reasonably does in a long term relationship, it doesn’t mean those needs don’t matter.

 

That is, both of you need to think about how you want your relationship to evolve — and maybe he needs more time to do this, but it’s unacceptable to fail to do so, engaging in avoidance is harming the other person — evolve in a way that has mutual respect and empathy — if you want it to continue — as partners, as friends, as people that care about each other.

 

Mutual respect and empathy are fundamental. People can work through extraordinary differences with it. Without it, a relationship is likely to crumble for one reason or another — for reasons far more banal than mismatched sexuality, over toilet seats and dirty dishes.

 

I don’t think you should stay in the relationship, even as friends, if that’s the expectation he gives you (no sex, not open, indefinitely) — it’s communicating a lack of respect and empathy for you. You wouldn’t do him favors by enabling that behavior.

[Mountain House]

^ This should be a sticky.

[Traveler40]

1 minute ago, Mountain House said:

^ This should be a sticky.

I almost typed that -  just finished sticking it for future reference for myself. 
 

Best post I’ve read on this consideration.  

[Mountain House]

Just now, Traveler40 said:

Best post I’ve read on this consideration.

I agree. How did you stick for yourself? 

[Traveler40]

I create a link and add to a list I go back to for reference. 
 

EDIT: Tap the three dots in the upper right corner of the post you’d like to keep. Click “share”. That’s the URL for the post. Save wherever..:

[Mountain House]

Ah. LOL, my favorites is so full of links I sometimes struggle to find stuff. 😁

 

I was hoping you knew of a magic AVEN favorites space that I haven't heard of yet.

 

Hmm, thought...

 

So, I sent myself a PM called favorites where I can keep my AVEN links.  LOL

 

(Oh, yeah, I know of the dots)

[Traveler40]

I figured you did, but wasn’t certain.

 

In my case, I label them. The thing is, I have sections where I’ve copied and pasted posts. My all time favorite post (ace perspective) was saved and the poster later deleted it. 😬
BEST POST EVER describing how mixed relationships can come to pass. You know the post I’m talking about as we both commented at the time. It was in RELS. I kept a copy…

 

Anyhow, I mention that one as I only link stupendous stuff - like @anisotrophic’s above. I know theirs will be here for future reference. When the poster is unknown and I think their words exceptional, I always cut/paste and save the entire text. 
 

I’m picky about what I save (links or text) so it’s not a lot. Get more judicious. Only the cream of the crop @Mountain House! Haha 

[Mountain House]

3 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I always cut/paste entire text.

Oh, that's a good point.

 

I've kind of relegated to leaning on the search function. Lazy, I know. And it limits my responses sometimes. For example, there have been times I would link to the thread I started about talking about breaking up early but then decide that I don't want to do that search. Now I'm thinking I should go find it and add it to my favorites PM.

[Traveler40]

On occasion I’ve wanted to repost the aforementioned content created by another user but later deleted - does anyone know if there’s a TOS prohibiting that? I don’t even know who to credit. They came, then bounced quickly like many do. 

[Traveler40]

1 minute ago, Mountain House said:

I should go find it and add it to my favorites PM.

I use notepad. It’s off AVEN, but readily accessible. Oddly, I reference more often than one would think. 

[Traveler40]

Another reason I keep entire text at times is the @Telecaster68effect. 😬🤣

 

He eventually had a cut/paste of the 4 options ready to share as the one post was rinse, repeat for new users. 
 

Then banning….stalking….deleting. Sigh

 

He had a nifty share he put together that is now long gone. When it’s UBER useful like that, I’ll save text in the event it’s lost. (@telecaster68 effect!) 

 

 

Fun fact: This 4 option concept was solidified right here during my time. It originally came up in my thread within the first few posts which resonated and took root. The end result was in collaboration with Tele and not expressly as a thing, but organically cemented in words across time. I’ve often thought we need a formal “Welcome to AVEN new SPFA Member. Here’s your need to know kit…” haha

[ally_maia]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

It’s understandable that someone would not want to lose the things they have (eg in the status quo), and it’s also not at all justified — it’s not fair — for this to translate to pressuring someone to agree to an extraordinary renegotiation of a relationship after five years, sacrificing something that was reasonably understood to implicitly be present.

 

Positive experience of one’s own sexuality is a core aspect of adult life. A relationship that isn’t treating this as important is one that fails to holistically value your wellbeing. It’s admirable respect and empathy to want to give him a positive experience by accepting and supporting his absence of desire, to not feel shame for it, to not be pressured to pretend to be something he is not. And what about you and your sexuality? How does he feel about your sexuality — in abstract — how does he wants to support you having a positive experience of yourself in this respect? Does he recognize that you’ve experienced unmet needs based on a reasonable expectation that they would eventually be met — that the status quo was something you experienced as transient tolerance of unmet needs — that this represented you investing in the relationship by trusting it would get better? Tolerance of unmet needs is something one reasonably does in a long term relationship, it doesn’t mean those needs don’t matter.

 

That is, both of you need to think about how you want your relationship to evolve — and maybe he needs more time to do this, but it’s unacceptable to fail to do so, engaging in avoidance is harming the other person — evolve in a way that has mutual respect and empathy — if you want it to continue — as partners, as friends, as people that care about each other.

 

Mutual respect and empathy are fundamental. People can work through extraordinary differences with it. Without it, a relationship is likely to crumble for one reason or another — for reasons far more banal than mismatched sexuality, over toilet seats and dirty dishes.

 

I don’t think you should stay in the relationship, even as friends, if that’s the expectation he gives you (no sex, not open, indefinitely) — it’s communicating a lack of respect and empathy for you. You wouldn’t do him favors by enabling that behavior.

I really appreciate your comment. In case anybody wonders - we talked a lot today and are on the edge of a breakup. We really love and respect each other but it just seems like we can’t find a single compromise. I talked to him about what you said (that my sexuality is important too, that i would like him to think more about compromises etc). 

The sad part is, he still sticks to his answers. Nothing sexual ever again. He told me that we could have more non sexual body contact like cuddling kissing etc. 

I told him that this would maybe be okay for a few weeks, but that eventually my sexual needs would, logically, come back. I’m just tired. I’m heartbroken. I do not know what to do anymore. 

Maybe i should also highlight that he has depression. We also thought about wether his lack of sexual needs comes from his depression. But i don’t really know. I’m just unsure if i should call it quits - or if we should see if we can make it work somehow. Maybe he (me too) needs just more time? Maybe some things will change because he can now be his true self? Maybe he needs more time to think about what is okay und what is not? 

But maybe this will only make it hurt more. I’m just confused.

[uhtred]

Relationships have value only if they make both people happy.    Life is short and you should both find someone who does make you happy.

[Windmills of My Mind]

On 11/22/2022 at 7:55 PM, ally_maia said:

I really appreciate your comment. In case anybody wonders - we talked a lot today and are on the edge of a breakup. We really love and respect each other but it just seems like we can’t find a single compromise. I talked to him about what you said (that my sexuality is important too, that i would like him to think more about compromises etc). 

The sad part is, he still sticks to his answers. Nothing sexual ever again. He told me that we could have more non sexual body contact like cuddling kissing etc. 

I told him that this would maybe be okay for a few weeks, but that eventually my sexual needs would, logically, come back. I’m just tired. I’m heartbroken. I do not know what to do anymore.

Only you can decide if the other aspects of your relationship have enough value for you to be happy and content with it.

 

 

On 11/22/2022 at 7:55 PM, ally_maia said:

Maybe i should also highlight that he has depression. We also thought about wether his lack of sexual needs comes from his depression. But i don’t really know. I’m just unsure if i should call it quits - or if we should see if we can make it work somehow.

A delicate thing at work there. Being in a loving relationship means you would take his depression seriously and support him. On the other hand this should not be the only basis of the relationship, it should not be the reason you do not break up. Ultimately you are not only his caregiver.

 

On 11/22/2022 at 7:55 PM, ally_maia said:

Maybe he (me too) needs just more time? Maybe some things will change because he can now be his true self? Maybe he needs more time to think about what is okay und what is not? 

But maybe this will only make it hurt more. I’m just confused.

Do give this due consideration. Seriously. Many of us here have a history of many years, sometimes even several decades, of keeping up the hope that things will improve. If he is indeed asexual, that bit will never improve. For your wellbeing it might be good to think this over seriously rather than indefinetely "giving it a bit more time". There may come a moment of realisation, many years down the line, when you come to the conclusion that you have wasted so much time. A life lost. That is not a nice place to find yourself. If you do want to give it a bit more time, I would like to give you one bit of advice: give yourself a defined period of time. E.g. a month, three months, a year. Whatever, but make it a limited time. Set a date in the future and make the decision right now that once that moment comes, you make a decision about your future. Do not forever postpone this moment.