Where is the off button?

[asexuallyfrusterated]

Was reading posts trying to find answers to my delema

My ace partner hid this for 15 years. I have dealt with multiple nervous breakdowns over those years. We call them episodes. 

I was given every excuse in the book as to why we were not, never the actual truth till this year. 

And all of you have said how you deal. Steps etc. 

Problem is , mine won't talk. 

Like gets angry if I even hint.... 

Won't compromise, it's not at all .

did say once would agree to open marriage, but the day I do it we are done. 

The most hurtful and emotionally devastating comment that was made regarding sex is I am discusting. 

These things are what I am having issues with. 

I feel very unloved, but at the same time every thing else is perfect. She's my best friend, and I would be lost with out her. Actually tried, I left. Ended up hospitalized.

 

And I'm completely COMPLETELY in love with her, I can't get my desire to want to touch her to go away. I even asked my Dr for a pill I could take, to make her unattractive. 

( They don't make those Incase you was wondering.) 

WHERE IS MY OFF BUTTON (ME being the hypersexual person. )

Advice? 

When does the acceptance get easier, if there is no communication and compromise. 

Literally, all that is said is, every thing I do and it's still not good enough. 

Meaning, she buys me things, takes me places provides for me our animals and both grown children are still at home. 

I yern for intimacy, and being desired, to be able to touch her and take her to that magical place. 

And those daydreams turn into me hiding in the bathroom at work, sobbing hysterically, because it will never happen again,will it. 

I'm just having one of those days. 

Went to a wedding over the weekend too, I won't ever have that either. 

 

 

[LeChat]

Hello. Welcome to AVEN. 

I'm sorry, how you're feeling.

 

(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

I'm just letting you know I've moved your thread from the Welcome Lounge to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" forum, where the latter might have more members who might be able to help or relate to your experiences.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator

[Lord Jade Cross]

Sometimes swallowing the bitter truth is better than continuing an ongoing lie, even if it feels like the lie is less painful

 

Now dont get me wrong, Im not diminishing or saying your pain is not real or "get over it bro"  However, ask yourself how much longer can you keep doing this before it pushes you off the edge?  

[Mountain House]

 

 

Saw your other post. Here's what I said there: 

 

4 hours ago, asexuallyfrusterated said:

sobbing hysterically

I remember those moments. They're tough. Don't hide that this is happening to you from her.

[asexuallyfrusterated]

I am female, asexual partner is female. 

And yes living the lie could be easier,than letting go, I most certainly would loose my mind and might not make it out of the hospital the next time.

I keep trying to forget about all the times we did do things. 

And then I get sad all over again, and can hear the word ringing in my ears, in my memory,... It's disgusting. 

I'm disgusting. 

You would think I would be so angry I wouldn't ever want to. 

Again. 

But I do. 

I'm not sure my heart can handle this pain for long. 

It's been a little over a full year since I got the truth. 

I'm not sure I know how to cope. I Kno I can't walk away, again,. 

 

[Mountain House]

Trying to keep all your thoughts in your thread - here's the response to me in the other thread: 

 

 

I'll respond here. You asked for thoughts:

 

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress - trying to solve all things at once. Basically, in feelings overload.

Here are some feelings that stick out to me that I think you can set aside. I'll throw an idea for you just to accept for now and then come back later to really sit with the feeling and work through it.

 

Goes kind of like this: You feel you are disgusting due hearing it from your partner. I'll say you aren't disgusting for being sexual. You accept that as true so that you don't have to think about it right now today and you can offload working that feeling for another day.

 

Feel: I am disgusting. Accept: I am not disgusting for being sexual.

Feel: She used sex to manipulate/punish me. Accept: She is asexual and does not enjoy/want sex with anyone.

Feel: I am ugly/terrible at sex/undesirable/a bad partner. Accept: It is commonly expressed here that sexuals feel this way. It is not true.

Feel: It is her/my fault. Accept: This is a no fault situation. There is no malice here.

Feel: I will never have sex again. Accept: I will have sex again but not with her as that would be harmful to her and I do not want to harm her.

Feel: Our relationship is over. Accept: It has become, at best, companionate; we are BFFs.

Feel: She arouses me. Accept: It is okay that she arouses me.

Feel: I am in love with her. Accept: It is beautiful truth that I am in love with her.

 

That's just a list I came up with reading your post. I'm sure there are more feelings. Guilt/shame/grief - these could all be in there too.

 

Write your own list so you can lower your stress and work on things in smaller doses. That list I did? That's just a suggestion and may not fit you at all.

 

You could consider finding a therapist to help you with your list. You are overwhelmed and what you are doing is very very hard.

 

 

[asexuallyfrusterated]

Yep .. u got it. 

I'm very much overwhelmed and in my feels.... Because I fought for so long to find the answer. I thought I was broken. I have never been bad in bed. Never had any complaints in that department, ... Psycho,... Sure, crazy,... Ok. But bad sex ? Never. 

I'm still trying very hard to wrap my head around it. 

The way you described the feels and the accept are accurate. 

Except the part of no sex ever again. For her it's never. So unless I cheat it's never. For me as well. 

She won't agree to another person. I should just be.... Fine 

When does the physical pain stop? The desires... And the tears..... 

I would love to talk to someone, 

Except when I do I'm invalidated. 

I'm told you won't die from lack of sex. 

And the last paid therapist I had,... Quit. 

Flat out was told I cannot handle you find another. No joke. 

 

 

 

 

[Mountain House]

Find a therapist that fits you.

[asexuallyfrusterated]

21 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Sometimes swallowing the bitter truth is better than continuing an ongoing lie, even if it feels like the lie is less painful

 

Now dont get me wrong, Im not diminishing or saying your pain is not real or "get over it bro"  However, ask yourself how much longer can you keep doing this before it pushes you off the edge?  

I've been teetering on the edge for quite some time now. Which is why my face is full of snot,(while at work) . And I'm grasping at straws trying to find someone who has the answer. 

It's not leaving. I won't do that again. 

It's not 

Cheating, I slept with someone else when I left just to test the parts, or 

God forbid an ultimatum, 

Because I am afraid to even write what I would rather do,

There literally is no answer. 

So .that edge,.... Is very real.

I'm actually considering trying to put myself inpatient, indefinitely. 

But I know that won't work either because I have responsibilities. And I would miss her too much. 

[Mountain House]

7 minutes ago, asexuallyfrusterated said:

I'm actually considering trying to put myself inpatient

If you are at a point that you are considering this, then I think it is a great idea.

Your first responsibility is to get yourself healthy.

Talk to a person. Pick up your phone and dial 988

[asexuallyfrusterated]

21 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Sometimes swallowing the bitter truth is better than continuing an ongoing lie, even if it feels like the lie is less painful

 

Now dont get me wrong, Im not diminishing or saying your pain is not real or "get over it bro"  However, ask yourself how much longer can you keep doing this before it pushes you off the edge?  

I've been teetering on the edge for quite some time now. Which is why my face is full of snot,(while at work) . And I'm grasping at straws trying to find someone who has the answer. 

It's not leaving. I won't do that again. 

It's not 

Cheating, I slept with someone else when I left just to test the parts, or 

God forbid an ultimatum, 

Because I am afraid to even write what I would rather do,

There literally is no answer. 

So .that edge,.... Is very real.

I'm actually considering trying to put myself inpatient, indefinitely. 

But I know that won't work either because I have responsibilities. And I would miss her too much. 

 

I was considering it. But I can't do that either. And I did pick up a phone,I was locked up. Meds doubled and released. 

"Get myself healthy?? 

What exactly does that look like?? 

Because I also lost 147 pounds in three years . Thought the fat was the issue. Nope. 

Cut the fat off.... Bracioplasty. 

Thought that was it. Nope. 

So from what I gather, from every other person, is  healthy is me being ok with this. 

Me not wanting to make love to my wife.... That's normal.thats healthy. 

Me not drooling every time she bends over or shows a lil flesh, .I should not look. I should not be turned on.... That's normal. 

I should NOT want to be ravished,and adored, and participate in the sexolympics that's normal. 

I HATE to break it to y'all because ya just met me, .... But ahhhhh,...... I'm not normal. Never have been never will be. So I really really don't understand how we are going to do this. And I literally have no one. 

I'm not going back to the professionals unless it's in cuffs. Sad part is ,last inpatient I had a chick in there crawl in my bed. 

Ughhhhhhhhhh with a capital. Ughhhhhhhhhh. 

 

 

 

[asexuallyfrusterated]

This is fuckin pointless. 
Reading, searching, learning, 
The only thing I can do at this point to actually SOLVE my delima is simply nothing.
There is no fix, there is no cure,. 
My brain is different from hers. 
I can't make my brain think like hers,and I can't make hers think like mine. 
Although the so-called literature says I will not die from lack of sex, I feel,
Expecially on days like today, 
My insides are just going to rip themselves out. 
Nauseous, won't dare eat. Have no interest in food. Uncontrollable crying and snotting all over myself. Non functional, sitting in chair just reading and crying, feeling sorry for myself. 
How many days are going to be like this. Where my heart feels like it's breaking. Or has broke. 
I want to understand. I really do. 
She seems just fine.
I am an emotional wreck as always. 
The difference this time around,as compared to all my other breakdowns is I have to suck it all up and shove it back in before I get home to her. I don't want to distress,or guilt her in any way. Since she gets so angry at just a mention of it,now that it has a name,  discussion is out of the question. 
So I have to pretend to be happy. 
And normal. 
I fuckin hate that word. 
What the hell does normal look like? 
Cause all I want to do is make sweet hot passionate love to my wife. 
And her activity for the evening. Facebook. Every evening. 
Every day. 
And tomorrow, if I can sleep,the rollercoaster of emotion starts ALL OVER AGAIN.

So if no sex don't kill me, I'll be back tomorrow to whine some more. Or perhaps I can find a better numbing agent. 

It's not normal to feel like this. 

But just like with everyone else, eventually no one will respond. Or call or ask hey how are you. 

Because they don't want to hear it, don't want the snot show. But yet. People say. Talk about it. 

GREAT, WONDERFUL. TALK TO WHO?? . 

[Traveler40]

Admittedly, I’ve only skim read some of these posts - on the fly here at the moment. With that backdrop:

 

1. I’m sorry you’re in pain. Many here have been there. 
 

2. She is ace. Period. I’m sorry. You can rage all you want, but at some point have to come to accept this crappy fact: You’re oriented differently.  It sucks. I’m sorry.
 

3. You have a set of terrible options. Define them, work them, figure it out. That’s what you can do. (Or not, but that’s not going to end well…)

 

4. We’ve long said around here that your partner doesn’t owe you sex, but they DO owe you communication. Absent that, it’s beyond unfair and compounds the trauma. You need to bring a therapist into this to help you work through it.

 

4. You’re grieving. I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll be in the state for some time. However, knowing the parameters clearly now, how do you want your life to look? When ready, you must work towards that for your health and sanity. 
 

5. People will hear you for a time. They tend to disappear when they see no discernible action occurring to help one’s self. They can only hear whining for so long - we all have our own baggage and crap to deal with. 
 

You’ve taken actions in the past not knowing the “why”. Now you know, and also have learned more. It’s not you, but it’s never going to be anyone for her sexually. Your cross is to learn to accept that and craft your life with the understanding and knowledge you now have.

 

If she won’t participate, you must still make life choices that don’t include what you want, but hopefully end with what you need. Whatever that means for you. 
 

The point is - when ready - take ACTION for the betterment of you and your life irrespective of her. 
 

I wish you find a way to work towards more of what you need for yourself and a brighter future. ♥️

[uhtred]

My perspective from 30 years as a sexual married to an asexual (who doesn't think she is asexual).

 

First - your partner doesn't need to admit to being asexual, you know that they are.  You have everything you need to know in order to decide.

 

Then - do you really love them.  No snap answer, ask yourself think long and hard about the answer.  Do you love them? Why do you love them when the make you unhappy? What is it about them that is perfect FOR YOU.     Its very easy to create an image in your mind of what you wish your partner was, and then fall in love with that image, meanwhil being angry at the reality of what they are.

 

From what you said, I would say you should leave.   This relationship is not making you happy. I strongly suspect its not making her happy.  Its not doing anyone any good. You can end it.  This is about incompatibility, not blame.  There is no value in blame.  You are unhappy and you want it to end.  They BOTH of you  can find people who make you happy.

 

 

[asexuallyfrusterated]

17 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Admittedly, I’ve only skim read some of these posts - on the fly here at the moment. With that backdrop:

 

1. I’m sorry you’re in pain. Many here have been there. 
 

2. She is ace. Period. I’m sorry. You can rage all you want, but at some point have to come to accept this crappy fact: You’re oriented differently.  It sucks. I’m sorry.
 

3. You have a set of terrible options. Define them, work them, figure it out. That’s what you can do. (Or not, but that’s not going to end well…)

 

4. We’ve long said around here that your partner doesn’t owe you sex, but they DO owe you communication. Absent that, it’s beyond unfair and compounds the trauma. You need to bring a therapist into this to help you work through it.

 

4. You’re grieving. I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll be in the state for some time. However, knowing the parameters clearly now, how do you want your life to look? When ready, you must work towards that for your health and sanity. 
 

5. People will hear you for a time. They tend to disappear when they see no discernible action occurring to help one’s self. They can only hear whining for so long - we all have our own baggage and crap to deal with. 
 

You’ve taken actions in the past not knowing the “why”. Now you know, and also have learned more. It’s not you, but it’s never going to be anyone for her sexually. Your cross is to learn to accept that and craft your life with the understanding and knowledge you now have.

 

If she won’t participate, you must still make life choices that don’t include what you want, but hopefully end with what you need. Whatever that means for you. 
 

The point is - when ready - take ACTION for the betterment of you and your life irrespective of her. 
 

I wish you find a way to work towards more of what you need for yourself and a brighter future. ♥️

Traveler, who ever you are, your amazing. Thankyou so much for all of your words, very well written, and very much spot on. 

I appreciate both of your feedbacks, expecially num 5.  All those folks that told me to leave her, and they would be there for me, not a single one was there thru it. None. Not even in the hospital. None. 

Her love for me is unconditional, thru the mental health, the kids, my trauma, my mood swings, all of it. 

I definitely know why now. But it's more inate with her I think. 

Her parents and siblings and the way she was raised. 

Not really an "in my feelings type of family" 

And yes our biggest hurdle is communication. We have moved furniture and built things together and it's always a fiasco. Last night included. 

Window air conditioner. 

I get so mad sometimes, but if I ask myself who would you rather help you (like if I could snap my fingers and magically an ex shows up... ) I literally stood there and thought about it. I came up with no one. 

And it happens every time. 

Yesterday was a manic day. 

Not sure if it will come back today or not but me going on here just bitching helped some. 

And as she rubbed my arm as I drifted off to sleep fixed the rest. 

Till the next time. 

Thank you friends. 

I'm not leaving her. Period. 

She deserves love too. What ever kind she wants, and I'll be danged if I'm gonna have her go without. Plus, the image of her in my rearview,falling to her knees hysterical , will be burned in my brain for a very long time,and I'm not repeating it. 

That's my lesson. 

She does love me. Just different love. 

Maybe one day it will make sense to me. All her quirks are related to asexually adversions, repulsives and all.