i’m hyper sexual and my partner has recently realized he’s asexual

[bitsyspider]

My partner and i have only been dating a short period of time at the moment. We’re coming up on almost 3 months. I am a hyper sexual female and hes is an asexual male.  

 

It was only 2 days into us hanging out that we did stuff with each other (which is not uncommon me for because i’m a hyper-sexual person), we were having sex a lot in the first month of our relationship. At least 5-6 times a week sometimes everyday that we saw each other. 

 

After a month of us dating, he finally talked to me about sex and how he actually doesn’t really like it and the thought of having it and doing it is disgusting. he said it feels good in the moment but the lead up and after to him is when he realizes it’s so gross and he hates it. He believes he’s asexual due to his high school gf raping him for their on and off 3-4 year relationship. Whereas i know i’m hyper sexual due to the trauma i endured also in my teenage years, since i lost my virginity due to rape. I only feel loved when i have sex, it’s horrible and i need to work on that but to me it’s just a very intimate time and feels like a huge form of love. 

 

The worst thing is with our relationship still being so new i don’t know what to do. We keep fighting over this and I hate it. I am desperately in love with him, i don’t want to be anyone else because no one has made me as happy as he does. He has suggested i could have sex with other people but that’s not what i want considering i think of myself as a hyper sexual demisexual. The reason we keep fighting about it is because he keeps either making jokes or comments that are very sexual, with touch my boobs or butt, and make comments like “if you clean the house i’ll have sex with you” which is difficult because the second anything gets mentioned i think he will have sex with me. 

 

Last night, he said we could have oral sex before we went to bed. Then when we got to bed he didn’t want to and stated he said maybe. I don’t mean to get so upset when he turns me down because i know it’s nothin to do with me but i feel so hurt and unloved when it happens. We got into a fight about it then and it’s just causing our relationship to meet an end neither of us want. He started saying he wishes he never told me and that we could live in this façade where he likes sex. I just feel like when we do have sex it’s borderline rape and i don’t want to do that. 

 

I just don’t know what to do. I do not want to break up with him. Like i mentioned besides these fights we have i’ve never loved anyone like i love him. he’s been the best boyfriend and i trust him with my entire world. i don’t want to lose him but i also can’t just give up sex. 

 

What should i do, how can i fix this so we’re not fighting all the time? 

[Rain dancer81]

Your 3 months in. Call it quits. You are super incompatible and this  problem will never ever go away. It’ll just get more complicated to break up as your relationship progresses and you start to tie your finances and housing together. If you ever have kids, the mess becomes even bigger. The world is a big place. Find someone who wants to have sex with you. 

[Mountain House]

Hi @bitsyspider, welcome!

 

This is what stood out to me. My opinion only.

 

First, therapy for him because this:

5 hours ago, bitsyspider said:

He believes he’s asexual due to his high school gf raping him

Sounds more like trauma than being asexual. You can't make a person not sexual just like you can't make a person not gay. Sure, he hates sex and he doesn't want to have sex and he may in fact be asexual but he really should explore the idea that he may be carrying a great deal of PTSD. Either way, he'll learn a lot about his authentic self.

 

Second, therapy for you because this:

5 hours ago, bitsyspider said:

i know i’m hyper sexual due to the trauma

Is a trauma for you to work out by your own admission. Carrying this for the rest of your life isn't healthy.

 

And then, therapy for the two of you. You are in this together and you may need this kind of effort with intention to determine if there is a relationship here.

[nanogretchen4]

You have been with this person for less than three months. I get that you are experiencing intense NRE with this person who is utterly wrong for you. You are basically in a drugged hormonal state which, combined with your trauma manifesting as hypersexuality, is preventing you from thinking clearly or making good decisions. You should not be in a relationship with someone whose sexual trauma is manifesting as sex repulsion. There are major red flags here. Maybe neither of you wants the relationship to end but it needs to end before any more damage is done. 

[Mountain House]

8 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

it needs to end before any more damage is done.

You should identify when you are sharing an opinion. To state this like it is a forgone conclusion is beyond our paygrade.

 

We cannot know whether more damage will occur or that two people realize their trauma bond, seek professional help, and exit stronger, happier people.

 

But for certain they are on a path that feeds negatively into each other's traumas.

[nanogretchen4]

Each of them can seek professional help for their issues, preferably as single people. I hope they do both become stronger, healthier people. However, part of becoming healthier in this case would almost certainly be learning to find partners with whom they have a better chance of forming healthy relationships. If the partner were healthier he would avoid like the plague anyone who put sexual pressure on him. If the OP were healthier they would avoid like the plague anyone who had difficulty saying no to unwanted sex, especially if they also had sexual trauma.

 

 

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If the partner were healthier he would avoid like the plague anyone who put sexual pressure on him. If the OP were healthier they would avoid like the plague anyone who had difficulty saying no to unwanted sex, especially if they also had sexual trauma.

You don't know any of this. He may not be asexual. She may not be hyper-sexual.

[nanogretchen4]

They self identify as hyper sexual. It is in the thread title. They describe their partner as asexual. They report that their partner has described sex as disgusting and gross and stated that he hates it. The OP has described how sexual trauma affects the sex and relationship patterns of both partners. 

[Mountain House]

And they both claim that they believe their behavior is due trauma. Did you miss that? This puts those behaviors into the category of things to be worked out in therapy. We don't know what they are and neither do they.

[nanogretchen4]

I did not miss that. I am pro therapy. I am not pro continuing the behaviors with each other for as long as it may take to heal from the trauma and learn healthier behaviors. Plus, when each of them is ready to try having healthier relationships, which is unlikely to happen for both at the same time, each of them is more likely to stay on track if each of them is with a partner who has no urge to play the other role in their unhealthy relationship pattern.

[Ceebs]

Lots of people have identified -- in good faith, with the self-knowledge they currently have -- as things they actually aren't when their thoughts, feelings and behaviours are being influenced by something like trauma or other mental health issues. Been there, done that. I think there's a high likelihood in this scenario that, if trauma-related issues were worked through, the OP wouldn't truly have an unhealthily or abnormally high sex drive (higher than average libido... sure, maybe; nothing wrong with that) and that her boyfriend may not be asexual.
 

My initial gut reaction is 'break up', but I also think @Mountain House has a point. If two people want to be together and they're both working through their trauma with a professional, and they're able to remain loving and respectful and understanding while they're doing that... sure, give it a try. And if it keeps not working, they can part ways knowing they both did their best. 

[nanogretchen4]

It's fine to give it a try for as long as they can *without* the partner having or being pressured to have any more of the sex he hates and finds disgusting and gross. Unfortunately, based on the OP it does not sound like that gives them much time at all.