MyWifeIsAce Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 Curious if any sexuals can relate to a lost interest in sex or loss of performance since discovering your partner is asexual. Happy to take comments as messages if you don’t want to post publicly. Appreciate your thoughtful consideration and vulnerability. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ally_maia Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 Hi! I would say that i can relate to this. My Partner just came out as Asexual - since then we didnt do anything sexual because he doesnt want to. In the past we had Sex, but it was slowly becoming less and lesser. Through that period i also felt that my own sex drive was slowing down (maybe i was adjusting to him subconsciously?). Right now im trying to focus on other parts of our relationship since sex is off the table. Wouldnt say i completely lost interest but it became lesser. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 Slightly different story here, I knew my ex-husband identified with asexuality when we met (he thought he might be demisexual for a while at the beginning of our relationship), and I was quite... messed up about sex and my own sexuality at that time, so I think he felt 'safe' to me in the sense that I knew I'd never be pressured or anything. Took me a while to shed all the hangups I had about sex and to be comfortable with myself (everything is totally fine in that realm now), but not until long after I'd lost interest in my ex. Sexually, romantically... anything not platonic, I didn't want it with him. (And he's just ace, not demi as he thought he might be.) As far as losing interest in sex itself, which I realise is your point here (rather than losing feelings for your partner), yes and no? I mean, I went huge periods of time not giving a crap about sex when I was with him, and all that kind of stuff took a back seat to various life struggles anyway (mostly mental and physical health issues). I didn't feel like a particularly sexual being for sure. However, it wasn't consistently that way. I guess I grew to realise how actually important sex was to me and how much I wanted a relationship that included it. Through a few connections with/feelings for other people, I became certain it was a thing I wanted in my life. I didn't actually expect to ever break up with my ex at that point though, tbh... so that was confusing. Sometimes I couldn't have cared less, other times I badly wanted something that I knew I wouldn't have in that relationship even though I thought I'd be fine without it in the past. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MyWifeIsAce Posted November 22, 2022 Author Share Posted November 22, 2022 Thank you both for your thoughts and comments. I guess I’m not exactly sure of the source or what I’m experiencing here. My experience is unique (aren’t we all/all of our experiences unique). Since my ace is able to play with me now sexually maybe I’m loosing interest in just this space with her? I have nothing to test that against as we are monogamous. I’ve read of other aces feeling a bit of a “whore” syndrome when they play with sexuals… is what I’m experiencing the reverse of that. I do want and enjoy sex and even though my partner is able to play with me in ways she never could before I guess I now feel like I’m somehow taking advantage of the situation here. I know that’s ridiculous because she loves seeing me enjoy pleasure and loves being the source of that pleasure… its still weird to me that she doesn’t really enjoy or desire that pleasure the way I do. I guess I just don’t feel desired the way, heat, passion towards me the way I would like to be/expected to be… ridiculous I know… she can play… so what’s the problem? Idk. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MyWifeIsAce Posted November 22, 2022 Author Share Posted November 22, 2022 18 hours ago, Ceebs said: Sometimes I couldn't have cared less, other times I badly wanted something that I knew I wouldn't have in that relationship even though I thought I'd be fine without it in the past. Do you feel like your needs are now met? Do you feel like the thirst is quenched now? If so what is your approach and how do you fill that need? Are you now open/poly/or monogamous now? Appreciate your time and dialog always. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 9 hours ago, MyWifeIsAce said: Do you feel like your needs are now met? Do you feel like the thirst is quenched now? If so what is your approach and how do you fill that need? Are you now open/poly/or monogamous now? Oh, we split up as a couple several years ago. Definitely not just about sex by any means... just not the right person in multiple ways, although we still make good platonic friends and kind of feel like family I suppose. I'm in a different and much better matched relationship now, certainly fulfilled and all that. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 I think no longer being sexually attracted to someone that says they don’t want to have sex with you is a sign of acceptance, that you really believe they don’t want it — absorbed it deeply. It makes sense for overall interest in sex to be lower too if one has primarily been focused on that person. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 4 hours ago, anisotrophic said: I think no longer being sexually attracted to someone that says they don’t want to have sex with you is a sign of acceptance, that you really believe they don’t want it — absorbed it deeply. It makes sense for overall interest in sex to be lower too if one has primarily been focused on that person. Yes, I agree with your first thought: It’s acceptance and “Absorbed deeply”. For some, interest in sex may lower overall for a period of time, however many sexuals can’t leave it at that forever. 🤚🏼 The larger struggle begins with this state in my mind. How do you maintain closeness and intimacy to a satisfying level while not having sex - or interest in sex - with the one you love? This will vary, but in my case, having an aro-ace spouse makes it very complicated. Having desire and the eventual need for partnered sex is what brings folks here. The frustration of “willfully and woefully stuck” (while untrue) permeates. A sexual’s natural inclination is to want sex. Hell on earth exists…. EDIT: Hope that makes sense. It’s confusing to me. 🙄🤣 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the US and running around here. The point was that interest in sex may decrease for a bit, but I don’t think that’s sustainable. Most sexuals will revert to wanting sex. They will be unhappy if it’s not with the one they love. Some will find a fix around that, some won’t. Note to self: stop typing on the go! ☺️ 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 @Traveler40 sorry, yeah, I think any general loss of interest is (if it happens) transient due to the specific acceptance & loss of that possibility, not a permanent condition. I do think it’s understandable to have a general loss of interest in sex for a time… a sort of grief, that takes as long as it takes. I think you are right if you’re worrying that people mistake this transient grief as permanent.. concluding “maybe this isn’t so bad, I don’t want it so much after all”. I don’t think it lasts, that’s right. Inappropriate optimism. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Vorps Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 I've definitely noticed a decrease. I think in a perfect, idyllic world, I'd have sex multiple times per week (maybe. Never head that so maybe I'm a man in a desert dying of thirst saying he'd drink 50 gallons of water) but in reality, even if my wife were to offer that, I'd turn her down. Like you said. That lack of desire is just a constant turn-off. Even back when we were having sex (rarely), I'd turn her down if the offer was a monotonous 'wanna have sex?' I don't want me and my body to rate the same level of excitement as a 30 piece puzzle. It's easier, now. Without being too crass or overshare-y, I perform maintenance to avoid sex dreams or being too aroused throughout the day. I do get aroused, but a lot less than before. And when I do it's more of a bummer than anything. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Windmills of My Mind Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 8 hours ago, Vorps said: Even back when we were having sex (rarely), I'd turn her down if the offer was a monotonous 'wanna have sex?' I don't want me and my body to rate the same level of excitement as a 30 piece puzzle. Beautifully worded 😄 As for decrease of desire I think that, as with so many things be they related or unrelated, it may be different for different people. I have never noted a decrease. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted November 28, 2022 Share Posted November 28, 2022 I think, as I gradually came to realize that sex were for my physical and mental sake, (but with participation done with love) that I relax and enjoy. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 On 11/17/2022 at 7:03 AM, MyWifeIsAce said: Curious if any sexuals can relate to a lost interest in sex or loss of performance since discovering your partner is asexual. Happy to take comments as messages if you don’t want to post publicly. Appreciate your thoughtful consideration and vulnerability. I have not lost interest in sex. we have however discussed that we might not ever have sex again. While that saddens me a great deal, I can live without it. It's not an ideal situation, but I can and will. If however, I were to find myself with out my ace husband ( as in no longer married) then I will seek a sexually compatible relationship. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 Well there's the saying that if you don't use it you lose it. Then again there's another saying that contradicts this. For me knowing that my husband doesn't desire sex is a massive turn off. The reciprocity of love, wanting and being wanted is what sex is for me. Pair that with menopause and yes I'd say my own desire for hubby is non existent. Ever so rarely, I may have the faintest spark which immediately vanishes when I remember who I'm with. I still consider myself sexual and will on occasion dream of hot sex. I've also wondered whether my desire would have dwindled had I had constant sex. One thing's for sure, not having had sex for so long has made me idealise it in a way I probably wouldn't have done if I'd been sexually active. I may have grown to hate it or be bored with it or disenchanted or ... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Olallieberry Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 I wouldn't say I've lost interest in sex with my ace spouse. I love her and I would absolutely make love/have sex/something with her again. However. Because her attitude about sex is she pretty much would only ever do something to please me, that takes away a lot of what would interest me about sex with anyone. Additionally there is only so much she would be willing to do, and not for very long at that, so, anticipating dissatisfaction also kills the mood. I'm not averse to her but my thoughts and attention are not directed toward her. Very, very occasionally she surprises me with attention and willingness. I never say no. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Positive007 Posted February 19, 2023 Share Posted February 19, 2023 Still mustering up the courage to put my story in here and get assistance but yes i am experiencing your same situation now in terms of lack of interest as a sexual married partner (male). Been married 4 years and in a relationship for 6 years and recently found out that my wife thinks she may be asexual/bordering graysexual. I keep getting these thoughts in my head about sex that we do have being compromise sex and although it's good it makes me feel gross and my self confidence is down, and makes me 99% less interested in sex. This came after her saying " i genuinely have no need or want for sex" but i like it once we get into it. She has told me she's not sure if it's a hormonal problem, problem with her chronic condition or just who she is (asexual, demisexual etc). She said it's been this way her whole life. But to answer your question, yes you are not alone. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.