Your Opinions.......Is he? Or is it me?

[BlueDownUnder]

Hi everyone. I know that there are many many posts on here just like mine is going to be but while I have read some that are very close to what I am going through none of them are exactly the same set of circumstances, and call me insecure, (which I am) but I really need to read your replies directly associated to my post.

Okay here goes.

I am a 34 year old sexual female whom is in a relationship with (whom I thought to be) a 46 yo sexual male. We have been together for 6 years, yet for the past 5 years the sex has been dwindling gradually. Originally we would partake a couple of times a week, then once a week, once every couple of weeks, once a month, once every three months, now it's over six monthly.

Naturally I have attempted to broach the subject with him, but when I have he always has excuses:- I'm always tired! I can't sleep! I'm stressed! I feel sick! etc.

Where my circumstances differ from the others that I have read on here is that he has confessed to me that in his relationship with his late wife daily was not enough for him, nor was it enough for him in his previous relationship, yet now suddenly with me it seems that any sort of sexual contact with me is repulsive to him. I know for a fact that he is often turned on by looking at naked/near naked pictures of younger women (late teens early twenties), and by sexually explicit WAV movies, powerpoints presentations etc. So turned on in fact that it leaves an obvious mark in his underwear.

While I love my partner, I do not know how much more of this I can handle. He will no longer talk to me on a personal level. Sure we can discuss the house, my kids, the weather but not US. As soon as I mention anything at all about US he runs a mile, when he comes back it's as though the topic was never even brought up.

He wont touch me. No hugs. No kisses. No cuddles. Nothing. I get more affection from my dog. I liken it to living with a store mannequin, an emotionless entity. (No I have never said this to him!)

Like I said, I love him, but I don't know how much more I can take. I am/was an affectionate romantic, just like he assured me that he was when we first got together, yet I have to stifle the way that I want to behave so that he feels comfortable. I have had to change everything about the way I act, what I say, what I do, to keep the peace and harmony around our home, yet he had made absolutely no concessions at all for me. I feel like I have been duped, like I am being used as a companion rather than a true partner in a sexual relationship.

Basically, I guess what I would like to know from the asexual members is:-

Does my partner sound like an asexual to you?

Or

Do you think he may be cheating?(There have been signs.)

Or

Is it me that there is something wrong with?

Hurt, alone and lonely.

[Guest Alchemist_of_Ice]

It does not sound like it's you. Many other people on here have the same problem or close to the same problem you have. Your husband doesn't really sound asexual but I say..just in warning..keep watching for signs of maybe something else going on..like cheating or something because the way you had described him sounds kind of fishy (Though I'm not an expert and never experienced this so I may be wrong) what kind of signs has he given off that he may be cheating? I'll say again..It doesn't sound like anything is wrong with you but it sounds kind of like something is wrong with him. Try telling him again how you feel that you're wondering why he's so..non touching. I don't know really what to say on anything else..sorry I hope I was somewhat helpful.

[BlueDownUnder]

Thanks for the reply Alchemist_of_Ice.

The signs that he may be cheating are the obvious ones like cum stains on his underwear, but only when he has worked night shift. Sure these can be explained away by him getting excited over sexually explicit emails etc. But why emails and not me?

Another sign is that he has said another womans name in his sleep. Not that of his late wife nor that of his former partner.

But the biggest sign in my eyes is that he has a female friend (someone he has known for years before we got together) that will not ring him at home or on his mobile but instead rings him at work (night shift again). The reason she will not ring him at home is because she is scared that I will answer the phone. I have never met this woman so why should she be scared of me? He received a message from her for his birthday, but instead of being honest and telling me about it he lied to me to protect her wishes.

Coincidentally hers is also the name that he has said in his sleep!

I would if I could talk to him AGAIN but he wont have anything to do with the subject no matter how I bring it up.

In a way you have been helpful, being able to talk about what I am going through helps. Getting opinions, even one I may not want to hear helps.

Cheers.

Hurt, alone and lonely.

[Face]

he has confessed to me that in his relationship with his late wife daily was not enough for him, nor was it enough for him in his previous relationship

That pretty much rules asexuality out then. He may have a case of the male menopause but that's totally different.

I'm curious as to why you even got the idea of him being asexual and ended up here?

Most sexual women would have jumped straight to options 2 and 3.

[Puzzle_chick]

It doesn't sound like it's you OR as if he's asexual...because he professed a desire to have sex a lot and once enjoyed it, and then there was a sudden change, that sounds more like a symptom of something. And I don't think it's you because far as I can see you've been very accomodating and actually taking it a lot better than some people would. But honestly...it doesn't sound like asexuality. I hate to endorse bad news but after reading your reply to Alchemist, from a 3d person POV it really does sound like he's a sexual person that's cheating. Guilt or fear could be what triggered the change.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

[isillote]

I have to agree with Puzzlechick. He doesn't sound asexual to me either. He sounds like he's cheating too.

Do you have contact with any of his previous partners? If so, it might be worth getting together with them and finding out if they experienced the same behaviour pattern from him. If he's cheated on his previous partners as you hinted in your first mail, then it sounds like he's doing the same to you. And if so then he's not in male menopause, he's just a shit.

I am an asexual female in a long-term relationship with a sexual male. We have an open relationship, and he gets his sex elsewhere. But he talks to me about everything, and we trust each other completely.

Your partner seems to me to be untrustworthy. You come across as a truly caring person who has done their best to try to talk to him about the situation. I don't know how to advise you, but I would seriously consider whether this man is worth your love and effort.

Personally, I would confront him head on with your suspicions and look very carefully not for the words he says but for the defensive body actions.

I don't think it's you. If you're sexual and you're looking at this website for possible answers, I would say you're extremely open-minded and considerate. Find someone worth that consideration. It may be him, but somehow I doubt it.

Good luck with whatever you do, you will always find support here. I hope it works out for you.

[Apdg]

thing to rember is asexuality is something your born with and not soemthing you develope as you age.

What you described to me is more like male menopause (called andropause, sorry if spelling is wrong). that can normily be fixed by taking hormones to replace the ones hes losing.

just one note i noticed that most of your worry and fear stems from the fact he works night shift on occasion, if this is really upseting you the best thing to do would be to talk about it with him. if your afraid of his reaction then best place to do it is while you two are driving alone in the same car. that way he wount be focused right at you. And remeber to consider how hes feeling as well, you shouldnt be verbal attacking but rather conversing together

[A q u a r i u s]

Hi BlueDownUnder, I don't know how much help I can be on this topic, but what you've described about your relationship sounds like something my parents went through not that long ago.

I would think that from what you've said, your husband is likely cheating. I've seen it before, through both of my parents. If someone is avoiding you like that, they're hiding something. Sex is just one of the signs, as there are many.

As an example, my mom realized that my dad was having a secret affair with a woman he met, so they eventually took marriage counselling to try and save the relationship (he claimed he still loved her, so it was worth a shot), and fortunately, it worked. For a little while anyway, until things had gone back to the way they were, and my mom met someone she developed feelings for/had an affair and so on. Well anyways, he found out, and they went back for counselling. He worked nights, so he switched his schedule to the day so that they could see each other in the evenings. But it didn't work, and the reason why was because she no longer loved him, and although they talked/argued and she tried to rekindle the feelings, they just were not there. So they split up- my dad's with the woman he met years ago, and my mom's with her new boyfriend. They are both happier (though that's not to say they are on good terms with each other)

If you love him, and you really truly want the relationship to work, then you could definitely try marriage counselling. But if you do, be sure that you make peace with the fact that he may not feel the same way anymore (although, I don't know him so I can't say). If that is the case, it wouldn't be your fault, it'd be his. He wouldn't deserve to be with you anyway.

I would never stay with someone who didn't make me happy, and it would be difficult to forgive someone who'd been so decieving. If you can't trust your partner, then why would you stay, or not address the issue?

It is definitely something two of you could overcome with work and devotion. I think so, anyway. It sounds like you should try to get him to communicate with you more, because without communication, I think marriages just don't work.

Do what you think is right. : D Whatever happens, things will be a lot brighter in the end if you try and work things out in counselling, or decide not to put up with it. Take a stand, women need to be more independant these days.

Good luck with wherever life takes you! I wish you the best!

[BlueDownUnder]

Wow I can't believe all the replies, Thanks everyone, I will try to reply to you all as best as I can.

Face wrote:-

I'm curious as to why you even got the idea of him being asexual and ended up here?

Most sexual women would have jumped straight to options 2 and 3.

Actually Face, I didn't get the idea that he may be asexual until I found this site when I was trying to find a drug or something to reduce MY libido. When I read some of the posts it sort of sounded like him except for the fact that he used to be interested in sex.

Trust me, I have been over options 2 and 3 many times. Option 2 has caused numerous arguments, with him in the end accusing me of cheating on him (No I haven't and NO I never will.)

At the moment I am pretty much stuck on option 3. It's me. There has to be something about me that turns sexual men off sex.

Puzzle_chick wrote:-

And I don't think it's you because far as I can see you've been very accomodating and actually taking it a lot better than some people would.

Thank you Puzzle_Chick. I am trying. I have made a great deal of changes to the way I react to things. In the early days (first and second year) I would go crazy verbally attacking him, which in the end got us no where, which I learnt. If I want to try to talk to him now I do so in a calm manner without accusations, when I am not feeling emotionally wrought.

isillote wrote:-

Do you have contact with any of his previous partners?

No, I don't. His wife passed away almost 12 years ago. His previous partner I do know but we are not on friendly terms as I didn't agree with the way that she goes about her relationships. She just uses and abuses.

I don't think it's you. If you're sexual and you're looking at this website for possible answers, I would say you're extremely open-minded and considerate. Find someone worth that consideration. It may be him, but somehow I doubt it.

I guess as usual I am trying to find the answers from this site that he isn't willing to give me, yet still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

If my relationship with him does not work out, I will not find someones else, I will not go looking. I will have had three long term relationships fail on me, I will not put myself through the emotional trauma of trying again, for me it just isn't worth it.

Apdg wrote:-

just one note i noticed that most of your worry and fear stems from the fact he works night shift on occasion, if this is really upseting you the best thing to do would be to talk about it with him. if your afraid of his reaction then best place to do it is while you two are driving alone in the same car. that way he wount be focused right at you. And remeber to consider how hes feeling as well, you shouldnt be verbal attacking but rather conversing together

Apdg, no most of my fear isn't actually from when he does night shift, this is just when I have found evidence of his sexual arousal. This is probably because this is the only time that he wears underwear, at work. At the moment I am probably happiest when he is on night shift (it sounds strange I know) because he's not here. It's heart breaking for me to be around him, to look at him yet not feel his warmth like I used to, to not be wrapped in his arms.

I do always consider how he is feeling, which is why more often than not I leave things unsaid. I used to verbally attack him, but I haven't for the past 2 or three years. I don't want to argue, I hate arguing, it resolves nothing. I want to communicate with him, converse with him, but he just isn't interested in partaking in a conversation about US.

Aquarius wrote:-

It sounds like you should try to get him to communicate with you more, because without communication, I think marriages just don't work.

You've hit the nail on the head Aquarius. A relationship is doomed to failure if both parties will not communicate with each other. I have tried to talk to him, but he is never interested in talking to me about US. But after reading all of the replies to my post you have all given me the strength to try to talk to him again. And I will do it tonight, I will ring him at work.

Once again, thanks to everyone whom has taken the time to reply. Your kind words and honesty is truely uplifting.

[jr1]

Maybe you 2 could go on a retreat together like an outdoorsy type setting and be able to talk with serenity landscape all around

[BlueDownUnder]

Maybe you 2 could go on a retreat together like an outdoorsy type setting and be able to talk with serenity landscape all around

Oh that sounds lovely, I just don't think that he'd be in on it. The last time we went away together just the two of us was over 19 months ago.

Like I said I am a romantic, and I love doing things like that, getting away together, long walks on the beach, just being together warm and loving.

Unfortunately or fortunately (whichever way you look at it) I have 4 children and when you add our work rosters into the equation (he works some weekends) there are only about 3 times a year that we do have the time to get away together, but he prefers to spend this time at home working around the house without the kids to bug him!

[Chiaroscuro]

At the moment I am pretty much stuck on option 3. It's me. There has to be something about me that turns sexual men off sex.

Hi Blue,

I'm in a sexless marriage, and it's important that you get away from the thought expressed above as quickly and firmly as you can (I suggest individual therapy as the single greatest gift you can give yourself). I know it's hard to feel sexy when you're raising four kids, working long hours, and your partner doesn't want to touch you. You are not alone in this, it's a very common problem (visit http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm7, and you'll see just how common).

Good luck. Value yourself,

-Chiaroscuro

[cait]

Does my partner sound like an asexual to you?

Not particularly. It sounds more like these issues are caused by and/or causing stress, and obviously effecting his personal life, and he refuses to take any responsibility or action for it. He needs to see a psychologist probably if he wants to sort this out. He is being utterly avoidant to you, so you have no way of possibly knowing or understanding the situation. Perhaps he doesn't understand the situation. Perhaps there is something else going on in his life that's making him depressed or something that is just lowering his sex drive. Because there is a lot of stuff that can cause the symptom.

And to me, it sounds like the kind of issue that is all too common in long term relationships. If he doesn't start talking soon, your relationship with him could go down the drain. I think he needs to take on some responsibility at 46 years of age. Don't just let this slide, because there is no need for him to be making you both miserable like this.

Do you think he may be cheating?(There have been signs.)

It's possible. And it's only logical not to trust a man who is not communicating with you. So call him out on it, and hear what he has to say. If it's nothing, I personally would turn to a therapist who may have a more objective point of view.

Is it me that there is something wrong with?

I doubt it. It's natural to feel insecure. But no matter what, when you're in a relationship both parties should be willing to work on one another's faults if they can't learn to accept them. It can't be just you, especially if nobody is calling you out for whatever it was that was wrong with you. Don't let it bring down your self esteem, because you should have that no matter what somebody else is treating you like. It will make things a lot better in the end.

I wish you all the best. I don't personally think your partner is asexual, but that's not for me to decide.

[isillote]

Hmm, something rang a bell with me when in one of your replies you said that he'd accused you of cheating on him. What better way to stop you accusing him of something he's doing, than turning it back on you, so you won't pursue it?

One of my cousins was married to a man who did that. He was also continuously cheating on her. The first time she found out she forgave him, and he vowed never to do it again. And the second time. After the third time I asked her why she was putting up with this. He was her third long-term relationship, and she told me that she loved him, and was terrified that if this relationship failed, she'd never have another one. She was 39.

When she came home and found him in bed with her best friend, she saw sense and kicked him out.

Incidentally, she's now married to a truly wonderful man, and is really happy. And God, does she deserve it. So do you. What I mean to say is you never know what will happen in the future. But better to be alone than miserable with someone who won't realise that a relationship is a two-way thing.

[AppleCatSat]

I am so sorry that my first post on this forum will be such a negative one, but I haven't seen anyone else comment on this, just yet, so I have to say something.

It strikes me as particularly suspicious that he is having these phone conversations with his super-secret female friend when he's on night shift, and he's also ejaculating into his underwear while he's on night shift.

You are a far better woman than I, as either one of those situations would have been enough to send me into a fiery frenzy. And, as an aside, why on earth does he think its ok to keep all of these secrets from his wife?

I in no way believe that marriage means being painfully honest at all times, in fact sometimes its the little white lies that show me he cares. (as in: no dear, that baked chicken stuffed with blueberry pickle pancakes was delicious) But, this is reprehensible in my eyes.

The sex he is or isn't having with YOU doesn't even necessarily factor into it.

Honestly, you deserve much respect for your loving patience through this situation. Best of luck to you. Its my sincerest hope that you will find the love and respect that you deserve and desire.

[funaladanaly]

Could it be that as guys get older, they aren't as interested? I know that holds true for a fair bit of guys. That's why they made viagra.

[Hallucigenia]

Could it be that as guys get older, they aren't as interested? I know that holds true for a fair bit of guys. That's why they made viagra.

Viagra isn't for men who aren't interested in sex - it's for men who want to have sex but can't get or hold an erection. Mental/emotional interest and physical arousal are two very different things.

[CopyFox]

Your situation does not sound like an asexual issue to me--mostly because of what he said about his previous marriage. I have a few propositions:

1. He has hit the age in life where natural male testosterone levels drop off a lot and estrogen levels rise (I think). It's sort of like the male version of menopause. Men can become remarkably docile and non-active after this stage in their life. When menopause happens to the woman, the stereotypical female-male coupling can look switched.

2. He really is stressed about something going on in his life that he has not confided with you. This could be anything, so don't automatically jump to blaming him for cheating, but definitely make sure to keep a look-out for unmistakeable signs of it. If he really is not willing to stay and talk about you as a couple, perhaps try writing him a note.

3. He is asexual, but as with most people responding here, I have to lean away from this choice. Of course, only he can make the decision to call himself that.

Please also keep in mind that if you do find he is cheating on you, it is at your discretion whether to forgive him or not. The only thing I can suggest is that if you do and you still want to try to continue the marriage, then get marriage counceling, make sure to keep communication between you open, and if he's not willing, then I have to say that you can probably never be happy with him or trust him.

Don't let yourself be pushed into believing that this is in any way your fault, because it's not.

[BlueDownUnder]

Once again, Thanks to everyone whom has taken the time to reply to my post. Your input and support has been truly inspiring.

Update.

After reading some of the posts, like most of you I am still suspicious of his activities (cheating) but I am more inclined to lean towards male menopause (Andropause). Which is something that I hadn't given any thought to until it was posted in a reply. I have since researched this and found that he suffers from a number of the telltale signs (11 out of 17). Sure I may be giving him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN, but I WANT my relationship with this man to work.

Anyway, I did call him when I said I was going to and I got him to answer the questions (without initially telling him what the survey was for). Once he had answered the questions I then asked him if he was willing to see a doctor and request a blood test to check his hormone levels, to which he agreed!!!!!

After he had completed the survey and agreed to the blood test I then told him how I was feeling and his response was "So that's what all this is about!" and his entire attitude changed.

It has now been 6 days since our telephone conversation, he has made no further mention of our conversation or of making an appointment with the doctor. I do not want to nag him into making the appointment so I will just leave it for 1 month, if he hasn't done anything within this time I will once again re-evaluate my position in the relationship.

[BlueDownUnder]

Also I am unsure if one of you has tried to PM me. I received an email stating that I had a new Private Message yet when I accessed my messages box there was nothing there.

If someone has tried to PM me please resend the PM if you are able to so that I can read and reply.

Thanks

Blue

[Hallucigenia]

Also I am unsure if one of you has tried to PM me. I received an email stating that I had a new Private Message yet when I accessed my messages box there was nothing there.

We recently had several people experience this. What happened was that some person had made an account on AVEN for spam purposes, and had sent some people a bunch of spam PMs. When our moderators deleted the person, the spam PMs went away, but the notification emails had already been sent.

[bbctv]

from what i've read, he doesn't sound asexual (but that's my call, and i'm no expert) but it also doesn't sound like you.

despite my hating this category in the DSM-IV, there IS sucha thing called "sexual aversion disorder" and soemtimes people get it when they just dont' want sex with their partner, but still find the idea of sex fine with other people or in abstract, at least that's how i read the entry. if you can talk him into counseling, it might help, or at least you can say you tried something. also, if he's made you change a bunch of things, that's likely some issue on his end. but then again, i'm not a therapist, but it seems like you've made quite an effort to be accomodating. it's the least he can do to talk toa professional.